Spinoff: introverts, how do you handle life with small children?

[caedmyn]

How do you manage to get the alone time you need with small children? I feel like I'm going to lose my mind sometimes (ok, quite a lot of the time) because they are so demanding. It's actually easier now that DD is in school because she asks questions CONSTANTLY and sometimes I just cannot deal with one (or six, or ten) more question(s)! The baby rarely naps more than 30-40 minutes (never longer than that in the afternoon when his brother naps). The boys' naptime is when DD is neediest. And DH's love language is quality time so he tends to feel hurt if I choose to do something alone once the kids are in bed instead of spending time with him.

[Parrothead]

Enforcing nap and early bed time worked for me. It doesn't matter if they are sleeping so much as it is that they are in the bed.

[The Girls' Mom]

Enforcing nap and early bed time worked for me. It doesn't matter if they are sleeping so much as it is that they are in the bed.

 

 

This was my life saver. I had three children under the age of 4 at one point. We always had strict bed and nap times, sleepy or not. My oldest quit needing a nap at the age of 2, but she still had to have "quiet time" in her room with the door shut every day. She was allowed to play quietly or read, but I got an hour or so of uninterrupted time.

 

Also, have a heart to heart with your dh. He may not realize how draining it is to have someone touching/needing/talking/whining/crying at you ALL day can be. Even if it is for just a little while each night, you need some down time. Just be sure to re-engage with dh after your time is up :001_smile: (that is where I had trouble sometimes.)

[LAS in LA]

Enforcing nap and early bed time worked for me. It doesn't matter if they are sleeping so much as it is that they are in the bed.

 

:iagree: Things would definitely not go well without our 2-hour quiet time in the afternoon. With a baby, it's tough, but he'll (she'll??) soon be old enough to at least play quietly for a while alone.

[Momof3littles]

2 hour nap time/quiet time (18 month old naps, 7.5 yo DS1 reads his Nook or books, or finishes up schoolwork if he was really dawdling, 4.5 yo DD plays in her room or takes a nap about 25% of the time).

 

Even that isn't enough, honestly. 3 people talking to me at the same time makes my head spin. The toddler is forever climbing, trying to find writing implements to get into trouble with, or attempting something else dangerous. He wants to nurse whenever I'm sitting down. He stays in the Ergo a lot ;) in a back carry.

 

I need to hear my own thoughts, and that doesn't happen much. I am starting (starting....) to be more proactive about getting me time. I'm going to try heading out to the bookstore one night per week or every 10 days. I do get a little time to myself on weekends when DH is around. Thankfully DH is supportive and he's the one bugging me to get "me" time, because he knows I'm a better, happier spouse and mom when I get it. I often stay up late just because I relish the quiet, uninterrupted thinking/reading time. It has its downsides but I really need that time to recharge.

[Grover]

I am having one of those days right now... I NEEEEED some time out and there's just no way to get it. Both kids are not well and are extra clingy / demanding and whiny and I just run out of anything to give. We have an enforced rest period here too, but some days (like today) they spend the time singing at the top of their lungs and/or winding each other up by calling across the hall. I either spend the entire time going down there to tell them to knock it off, handing out punishments or losing the plot. Sometimes I go outside when they are resting just so I can't hear them on days like this. Usually they are very good at rest time and just play or read quietly so I get a break though. Sometimes I resort to parking them in front of the computer and not being in the same room so the incessant questions and conversations stop for a while. We also have an early bed time and I usually head off for a walk alone after dinner so I can have some introvert time out. Most days it all works out... today, not so much!

[Ginevra]

When mine were little, I went "out" at least one night a week, without fail, and then also often for a few hours at some point on the weekend. The time "out" might be dinner with friend or it might be as simple as going to the library alone or to Walmart, but I definitely had to have time to decompress from the small people.

 

In your case, it doesn't sound like the baby is napping enough. When my little kids would nap, that was also a good opportunity for me to get alone time. Is the reason you say DD is neediest then because she's coming home from school then?

[twoforjoy]

We have a two-hour nap time here, too. It's a lifesaver. It seems like every day either DD is having a rough day and needs me all day, the baby is fussy and needs me all day, or both of them take turns being fussy all day. And on some lucky days both are in a bad mood and need my attention all day. And then DS needs me for homeschooling and at night he likes time with me and DH once the babies are settled in.

 

Right now the baby isn't going down for the night until 10 or 11--although he's already sleeping a 6-7 hour stretch once he does get down, so I can't really complain--so I don't get much alone time at night, but I do make sure the two littles go down for a nap each afternoon. I usually try to get the baby settled so that he'll at least be fed and happy during DD's nap, if he's not sleeping. DS can read or write or play quietly or, if he's been really good or I really, really need to rest, he can get some extra screen time and play a video game or watch TV while the babies and I lay down. I can usually manage to have the two littles quiet simultaneously for at least an hour, and sometimes I luck out and they're both quiet for two.

 

The thing I need to be careful about is taking that time to actually do quiet, refreshing things, like reading or napping. No chores, no going online. Otherwise I get caught up doing things, lose track of time, and then the babies are up and I'm still feeling overwhelmed.

[Jyniffrec]

I have 4 children from ages 12 to 3. The 12 year old is constantly criticizing everything I say, the 10 year old is a man always on the move, the 7 year old hangs on me a lot and the 3 year talks non-stop (she is my little ball of sunshine, but I prefer the dark ;)). It has been getting to me more and more over the last couple of years. I have always been introverted and needed my time to recharge, but I find I go nuts now if I don't get it, or at least some quiet time. So I have gotten stricter for everyone's sake. The first thing that I say is in the form of a warning - "I just want you to know that if you guys don't back off I am going to explode." That gives them fair warning and they go do something else. Another measure I take is something along the lines of, "You can stay in here with me if you don't talk. If you do talk you have to leave." It only takes a couple of times of them being booted out to get the message (even the 3 year old). And then the third thing I do that I heard here awhile back was when I am reading I tell the kids that if they interrupt me then I will close the book and there will be no more reading for that sitting. Again, just once or twice gets the message across.

 

I used to not know how to set limits and it made things negative for everyone. Things aren't perfect now, but they are improving.

[Daisy]

Enforcing nap and early bed time worked for me. It doesn't matter if they are sleeping so much as it is that they are in the bed.

 

Yep. :iagree:

 

And I got up super early so I'd have a couple of hours to myself in the morning.

[BarbecueMom]

We have 2-hour nap/quiet time and early bed times but it's still not cutting it for "alone time" for me. Honestly, I need time (just one night!) to recharge, completely away, where I'm not even "on call", where I'm not getting up several times a night to help someone go potty or cover someone back up or blow a nose, where I don't have to spend nap times scrubbing food off the chairs or sanitizing potty seats.

 

I'm not going to get that any time soon. Most days I'm okay with that, because I made the choice to stay home. Today was one of those days where this INTJ just wanted to fix toddlers so they'd quit acting like toddlers. :tongue_smilie:

[mommymilkies]

I enforce nap time with older kids. Babies and young toddlers do not cause problems with my introversion. I like the connection, but the "why" stage I need a break from.

[2squared]

How do you manage to get the alone time you need with small children? I feel like I'm going to lose my mind sometimes (ok, quite a lot of the time) because they are so demanding. It's actually easier now that DD is in school because she asks questions CONSTANTLY and sometimes I just cannot deal with one (or six, or ten) more question(s)! The baby rarely naps more than 30-40 minutes (never longer than that in the afternoon when his brother naps). The boys' naptime is when DD is neediest. And DH's love language is quality time so he tends to feel hurt if I choose to do something alone once the kids are in bed instead of spending time with him.

 

I so understand, and I have a walking 10mo as well! My current baby sleeps well, but his naps aren't consistently at the same time every day. My 3yo still naps, but her naps rarely coincide with the baby's naps. I can't go to bed until the baby is ready for bed which some nights isn't until 10:00 (and it's not for lack of me trying to get him to sleep). This is just a rough, rough season. I remember the other four times I've been through this. It was painful then too. :tongue_smilie:

 

I have constant noise and commotion just from the amount of bodies in our small house. Someone somewhere always needs something, and everyone likes to touch me. Add in late afternoon activities for my olders which interfere with the youngers' naps, and some days I am positively crazy by dinnertime. If I want them in bed early, I have to do it by myself and still wait for my toddling baby to be ready.

 

My only saving grace has been quiet time in the van. When my olders are in activities, I can sometimes get the baby to fall asleep and let the other two watch movies. I sit in the front seat and relish the stillness and quiet.

Edited September 21, 2011 by 2squared

[2squared]

We have 2-hour nap/quiet time and early bed times but it's still not cutting it for "alone time" for me. Honestly, I need time (just one night!) to recharge, completely away, where I'm not even "on call", where I'm not getting up several times a night to help someone go potty or cover someone back up or blow a nose, where I don't have to spend nap times scrubbing food off the chairs or sanitizing potty seats.

 

Oh, my! This is so me!! I wish the work would just stop for a few hours. I wish my body and my mind could have a break. My dh goes on his reserve weekends every month, and I am so unbelievably jealous of his time. He doesn't even want a break from the kids, and here I am dying for it.

 

So I have gotten stricter for everyone's sake. The first thing that I say is in the form of a warning - "I just want you to know that if you guys don't back off I am going to explode." That gives them fair warning and they go do something else. Another measure I take is something along the lines of, "You can stay in here with me if you don't talk. If you do talk you have to leave." It only takes a couple of times of them being booted out to get the message (even the 3 year old). And then the third thing I do that I heard here awhile back was when I am reading I tell the kids that if they interrupt me then I will close the book and there will be no more reading for that sitting. Again, just once or twice gets the message across.

 

I used to not know how to set limits and it made things negative for everyone. Things aren't perfect now, but they are improving.

 

This was very helpful.

 

I feel so guilty that I need quiet and I need them to give me some space. I have seriously gotten to the point where I don't like to be touched. My body has been pregnant and/or nursing for 10+ years. It is just too much.

[caedmyn]

 

Also, have a heart to heart with your dh. He may not realize how draining it is to have someone touching/needing/talking/whining/crying at you ALL day can be. Even if it is for just a little while each night, you need some down time. Just be sure to re-engage with dh after your time is up :001_smile: (that is where I had trouble sometimes.)

 

I have trouble with that too. He tends to say, "Well what did you expect when you had kids?" Well...I guess I expected that when you put them to bed they would actually stay in bed, and that they'd take regular, reasonably long naps. And it never crossed my mind that it would be possible to have three horrible sleepers in a row and I'd be sleep deprived for almost 6 years straight because of it. It's very draining.