Would this bug you?

[BMW]

Thanks, everyone.

 

Once again, I appreciate the variety of views. The older son can be very thoughtful, sharing and kind. There are many times I am proud of him for being a giving person.

 

I think, however, in the big scheme of things, this would continue to build up the already existing inequalities... Can I stop the favoritism? No. Is it my son's fault? Not necessarily. Do I think my son would capitalize on it? Absolutely!

 

I will let it take it's course, though, as said. Husband really thinks that grandma is all talk and will not go through with it. Perhaps I can make some happy suggestions regarding planning a trip for all of us... If older son does earn the money and pull off the trip, well, then, yes I would do something special for younger son... and for myself, too! Because I don't like the idea of staying home to babysit and I would feel left out along with my son... (I know that is my own choice to view it that way)...

[elfgivas]

I honestly would be more angry at the DS for not sticking up for the rest of the family. I would not tolerate that. The GM is who she is and the family unit probably sees that and you cannot change her. However, you all stick together.

 

One on one time happens, but this smacks of a child allowing and somewhat encouraging a sibling's feelings being hurt. Not gonna happen. He should have shut her down when he realized she planned to exclude the others.

 

:iagree: it makes me so sad to see an adult (grandmother) teaching a child to be self-centered and to accept privilege over another. time for lots of empathy work with oldest son. and he wouldn't be sleeping over at grandma's without the other son, either. that is tacit acceptance of her playing favourites and is simply not okay. no disneyland unless you go as a family.

 

in the short term, maybe you could handle it by planning a family outting, telling grandma "what a great idea of hers that was" and asking her to come along.

 

or if you have a vehicle that fits more people, maybe your dh can drive you all down in that.

 

some memories are best when they are family memories....

 

:grouphug:

ann

[TXBeth]

Thanks, everyone.

 

Once again, I appreciate the variety of views. The older son can be very thoughtful, sharing and kind. There are many times I am proud of him for being a giving person.

 

I think, however, in the big scheme of things, this would continue to build up the already existing inequalities... Can I stop the favoritism? No. Is it my son's fault? Not necessarily. Do I think my son would capitalize on it? Absolutely!

 

I will let it take it's course, though, as said. Husband really thinks that grandma is all talk and will not go through with it. Perhaps I can make some happy suggestions regarding planning a trip for all of us... If older son does earn the money and pull off the trip, well, then, yes I would do something special for younger son... and for myself, too! Because I don't like the idea of staying home to babysit and I would feel left out along with my son... (I know that is my own choice to view it that way)...

 

 

I would definitely end the sleepovers with older DS and not younger, but for the Disney trip, why not just say to ODS "What a great idea! Yes, you boys are welcome to do X, Y, Z around the house to earn the money for the two of you to take Grandma to Disney!" Then it's really up to each boy whether or not they want to participate.

[RahRah]

I haven't read through all the replies, but the big issue for me would be grandma making plans with a child rather than asking me/DH as the parents about it first, without the child present or within earshot.

 

We've had this issue with my MIL and have had to be firm about it - we are the parents, we make the decisions, you come to us to ask and we will discuss....IF you go to DS or ask such things in front of him and place us in a situation where we will either be the good guys or bad guys, we'll be bad guys because the answer will be an automatic NO, no matter how great an idea it is.

 

It took two "no's" for her to realize we were dead serious about it and she no longer tries to go through DS to get her way.

[WTMCassandra]

I got the "story" now...

 

Grandmother was telling son how much she wanted to go to Disneyland, that it had been over 20 years. Son tells her that he will earn the money and buy tickets for the two of them to go and that they can ride along with dh when he goes on one of his trips (several times a year).

 

I asked my dh if he thought it would be okay for son and grandmother to go and do this and leave other boy behind. He didn't seem to mind because he doesn't think it's likely that grandmother would follow through and ride along and leave her dogs (grandpa would stay home to take care of them, etc) but he doesn't think she would actually DO it, although she told son that she would. I asked dh if he thought it was appropriate for older boy to leave out brother and make exclusive plans... why not teach the boy to care about his brother? Dh really didn't seem to mind or see the problem....

 

Sheesh. Still bugs me because I know how grandmother is... and I see it as older son taking advantage, even if it IS money that he earns on his own. Dh seems to think if that's what son wants to do with his money, fine.... But, really? Hurting others is fine as long as it's your money???

 

I guess if it comes to pass.... if plans are made, I'll make sure that I spend one heck of a good time with the younger son!

 

I see several problems here. I disagree with people who are minimizing this, saying your son is so sweet, let it go, etc. The context of this event is an ongoing favoritism and manipulation situation. :tongue_smilie: I have been in one of these, and it is not pretty. Honestly, if someone hasn't "been there," he/she may not understand the severe emotional damage that a scheming grandmother can inflict. :tongue_smilie:

 

Having said that, these would be my specific points of contention with this situation:

 

1. I would not be happy that I had to hear about this from DS. I would be taking this point up with DH, and making really clear why the favoritism is damaging and should be stopped. Since he's the favored one also, he doesn't get it. :tongue_smilie: He needs to. And whether he thought his mother was speaking idly or not, he should have run it by you before you had to hear about it from DS.

 

2. I do think DS was probably sincere and caring, trying to "fix" this for grandmother. I think your reminder to him about not leaving people out was good and enough was said to him. Moving on to #3.

 

3. Your MIL is parentifying your son!!! This is a big red flag in conjunction with the favoritism. It is NOT an adult's place to whine before a child about a problem and sit back and watch him frantically try to solve it to make her happy. If she had slipped about this wish, the MINUTE he started saying he would make the trip happen, she should have said something like, "It's so sweet of you, but children don't have to fix things for adults. It's our job to take care of YOU." Then she could have said that she would talk with you about making a joint trip happen. Period. There's no way she should have sat there and watched a kid try to figure out how to make this happen for her, let alone LEAVE with the impression he's supposed to carry it out. That is so wrong!!! Your son was left with a burden that is too heavy for him, and it's not good for him. And your DH's belief that your MIL might flake out does not cancel out your son's emotional damage of carrying too heavy a burden for all that time, trying to save up and figure out costs and get tickets and . . . She is leaving your son spinning, and her flaking out later will make the whole situation WORSE for your favored son. It is an emotional train wreck for your SON waiting to happen.

 

4. And put together with the ongoing favoritism, which I bet you she knows she is doing, she is cementing that dynamic of her, your husband, and your favored son against the rest of you poor sods who can't make her happy. Not good! I think you need to figure out how to make the favoritism stop. It's getting out of hand. You and your husband need to get on the same page and get this stopped.

Edited August 5, 2011 by WTMCassandra

[Jean in Newcastle]

I see several problems here. I disagree with people who are minimizing this, saying your son is so sweet, let it go, etc. The context of this event is an ongoing favoritism and manipulation situation. :tongue_smilie: I have been in one of these, and it is not pretty. Honestly, if someone hasn't "been there," he/she may not understand the severe emotional damage that a scheming grandmother can inflict. :tongue_smilie:

 

Having said that, these would be my specific points of contention with this situation:

 

1. I would not be happy that I had to hear about this from DS. I would be taking this point up with DH, and making really clear why the favoritism is damaging and should be stopped. Since he's the favored one also, he doesn't get it. :tongue_smilie: He needs to. And whether he thought his mother was speaking idly or not, he should have run it by you before you had to hear about it from DS.

 

2. I do think DS was probably sincere and caring, trying to "fix" this for grandmother. I think your reminder to him about not leaving people out was good and enough was said to him. Moving on to #3.

 

3. Your MIL is parentifying your son!!! This is a big red flag in conjunction with the favoritism. It is NOT an adult's place to whine before a child about a problem and sit back and watch him frantically try to solve it to make her happy. If she had slipped about this wish, the MINUTE he started saying he would make the trip happen, she should have said something like, "It's so sweet of you, but children don't have to fix things for adults. It's our job to take care of YOU." Then she could have said that she would talk with you about making a joint trip happen. Period. There's no way she should have sat there and watched a kid try to figure out how to make this happen for her, let alone LEAVE with the impression he's supposed to carry it out. That is so wrong!!! Your son was left with a burden that is too heavy for him, and it's not good for him. And your DH's belief that your MIL might flake out does not cancel out your son's emotional damage of carrying too heavy a burden for all that time, trying to save up and figure out costs and get tickets and . . . She is leaving your son spinning, and her flaking out later will make the whole situation WORSE for your favored son. It is an emotional train wreck waiting to happen.

 

4. And put together with the ongoing favoritism, which I bet you she knows she is doing, she is cementing that dynamic of her, your husband, and your favored son against the rest of you poor sods who can't make her happy. Not good! I think you need to figure out how to make the favoritism stop. It's getting out of hand. You and your husband need to get on the same page and get this stopped.

 

:iagree: I also think that it's mean to let the favored son do all the work to do this, while hoping that it falls through. What does that teach him?

[Impish]

I see several problems here. I disagree with people who are minimizing this, saying your son is so sweet, let it go, etc. The context of this event is an ongoing favoritism and manipulation situation. :tongue_smilie: I have been in one of these, and it is not pretty. Honestly, if someone hasn't "been there," he/she may not understand the severe emotional damage that a scheming grandmother can inflict. :tongue_smilie:

 

Having said that, these would be my specific points of contention with this situation:

 

1. I would not be happy that I had to hear about this from DS. I would be taking this point up with DH, and making really clear why the favoritism is damaging and should be stopped. Since he's the favored one also, he doesn't get it. :tongue_smilie: He needs to. And whether he thought his mother was speaking idly or not, he should have run it by you before you had to hear about it from DS.

 

2. I do think DS was probably sincere and caring, trying to "fix" this for grandmother. I think your reminder to him about not leaving people out was good and enough was said to him. Moving on to #3.

 

3. Your MIL is parentifying your son!!! This is a big red flag in conjunction with the favoritism. It is NOT an adult's place to whine before a child about a problem and sit back and watch him frantically try to solve it to make her happy. If she had slipped about this wish, the MINUTE he started saying he would make the trip happen, she should have said something like, "It's so sweet of you, but children don't have to fix things for adults. It's our job to take care of YOU." Then she could have said that she would talk with you about making a joint trip happen. Period. There's no way she should have sat there and watched a kid try to figure out how to make this happen for her, let alone LEAVE with the impression he's supposed to carry it out. That is so wrong!!! Your son was left with a burden that is too heavy for him, and it's not good for him. And your DH's belief that your MIL might flake out does not cancel out your son's emotional damage of carrying too heavy a burden for all that time, trying to save up and figure out costs and get tickets and . . . She is leaving your son spinning, and her flaking out later will make the whole situation WORSE for your favored son. It is an emotional train wreck for your SON waiting to happen.

 

4. And put together with the ongoing favoritism, which I bet you she knows she is doing, she is cementing that dynamic of her, your husband, and your favored son against the rest of you poor sods who can't make her happy. Not good! I think you need to figure out how to make the favoritism stop. It's getting out of hand. You and your husband need to get on the same page and get this stopped.

 

:iagree: I also think that it's mean to let the favored son do all the work to do this, while hoping that it falls through. What does that teach him?

:iagree:

[RahRah]

I see several problems here. I disagree with people who are minimizing this, saying your son is so sweet, let it go, etc. The context of this event is an ongoing favoritism and manipulation situation. :tongue_smilie: I have been in one of these, and it is not pretty. Honestly, if someone hasn't "been there," he/she may not understand the severe emotional damage that a scheming grandmother can inflict. :tongue_smilie:

 

Having said that, these would be my specific points of contention with this situation:

 

1. I would not be happy that I had to hear about this from DS. I would be taking this point up with DH, and making really clear why the favoritism is damaging and should be stopped. Since he's the favored one also, he doesn't get it. :tongue_smilie: He needs to. And whether he thought his mother was speaking idly or not, he should have run it by you before you had to hear about it from DS.

 

2. I do think DS was probably sincere and caring, trying to "fix" this for grandmother. I think your reminder to him about not leaving people out was good and enough was said to him. Moving on to #3.

 

3. Your MIL is parentifying your son!!! This is a big red flag in conjunction with the favoritism. It is NOT an adult's place to whine before a child about a problem and sit back and watch him frantically try to solve it to make her happy. If she had slipped about this wish, the MINUTE he started saying he would make the trip happen, she should have said something like, "It's so sweet of you, but children don't have to fix things for adults. It's our job to take care of YOU." Then she could have said that she would talk with you about making a joint trip happen. Period. There's no way she should have sat there and watched a kid try to figure out how to make this happen for her, let alone LEAVE with the impression he's supposed to carry it out. That is so wrong!!! Your son was left with a burden that is too heavy for him, and it's not good for him. And your DH's belief that your MIL might flake out does not cancel out your son's emotional damage of carrying too heavy a burden for all that time, trying to save up and figure out costs and get tickets and . . . She is leaving your son spinning, and her flaking out later will make the whole situation WORSE for your favored son. It is an emotional train wreck for your SON waiting to happen.

 

4. And put together with the ongoing favoritism, which I bet you she knows she is doing, she is cementing that dynamic of her, your husband, and your favored son against the rest of you poor sods who can't make her happy. Not good! I think you need to figure out how to make the favoritism stop. It's getting out of hand. You and your husband need to get on the same page and get this stopped.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[OH_Homeschooler]

I see several problems here. I disagree with people who are minimizing this, saying your son is so sweet, let it go, etc. The context of this event is an ongoing favoritism and manipulation situation. :tongue_smilie: I have been in one of these, and it is not pretty. Honestly, if someone hasn't "been there," he/she may not understand the severe emotional damage that a scheming grandmother can inflict. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

:iagree: After my dad died when I was a kid, my only living grandparent--his mom--was nasty to my mom (I'm sure it started before then but it only became evident to me after his death). She lived in the same town as us and we would see her drive by our house in a remote area, slow down, etc. but never stopped by to actually see us. Since I was 10 and couldn't drive, it was hurtful that she would go to the trouble to spy on us but didn't bother to try to see me. She couldn't be the bigger person.

 

My older brother sent her a Christmas card the year my dad died, and she sent him one back, specifically addressed to him and no one else. I was pretty young but even then I knew how petty she was being. What kind of adult snubs the youngest daughter of her dead son during the hardest time of her life?

 

When she died about 10 years ago, the only emotion I can say I felt was possibly very slight guilt...that I didn't care that she was dead. But still, as I type this, I feel like crying because now that I have kids, I see how grandparents are supposed to adore their grandkids...all of them, and how much that love means to kids. A grandparent should never show preference for one kid over another.

 

In the OP's situation, the grandmother should absolutely shut the whole thing down immediately. I am just sad for the other boy who was not involved in the plan, even if your older boy was planning to pay. That's terrible behavior on the grandmother's part. She shouldn't be relying on a grandkid to pay for her admission to an amusement park in the first place, and she should instead propose to take both kids to the zoo for the day, or something she can afford.

Edited August 5, 2011 by OH_Homeschooler

[gardenmom5]

BMW, I was the favored grandchild, and it still haunts me to this day. It was painfully obviously. I was the "smartest, prettiest, best behaved, had the cutest figure" blah blah blah. My brother and cousins resented me, and my cousins still bring it up to me, often. We are all in our 30s, btw. My grandmother is still alive, and I'm still the favorite. I try to stop her, but she is 80 years old. It's too late now, and it still hurts. I wish my parents had put a stop to it when I was little because I sure didn't know how. My grandmother has tried it with my girls, but I will not allow it.

 

Your younger son, if he hasn't already, will come to resent his brother and his grandmother, and it has the potential of permanently damaging the boys' relationship. Nothing good can come of this.

 

I just wanted to share another side. :grouphug:

 

:grouphug: You deserve so much kudos for recognizing it, and stopping it when you were old enough to deal with that. You should never have been in that position.

 

My sister was the favored grandchild, but she never recognized it for what it was or what it was doing to her. anything bad she did, I was blamed for. anything good I accomplished on my own, was resented by them both because I 'didn't deserve it', she did. they did a very sick and twisted version of keeping up with the jones'. The last straw was when 1dd got into a high-ranked university. today, we barely speak, and only because dh is trustee of mom's estate.

 

oh, and since my brother was the boy, he also got attention (just not as much as sister), he ended up marrying two women just like her. he's on his second divorce, and it has been VERY! ugly.

 

Those who have not experienced this, need to understand. This is the fallout of that kind of preferential treatment - and mother's who allow it are harming not "just' their children. I lost respect for my mother because she didn't even try to stop it or restrict her mother's access to us when we were young, implying she supported it. she even ended up engaging in it. (when I was 18, I actually had my mother suggest I be a surrogate for my sister. uh, no. - not even when hades freezes) The irony was I was the child mother had the most confidence and trust in.

 

 

 

I see several problems here. I disagree with people who are minimizing this, saying your son is so sweet, let it go, etc. The context of this event is an ongoing favoritism and manipulation situation.

4. And put together with the ongoing favoritism, which I bet you she knows she is doing, she is cementing that dynamic of her, your husband, and your favored son against the rest of you poor sods who can't make her happy. Not good! I think you need to figure out how to make the favoritism stop. It's getting out of hand. You and your husband need to get on the same page and get this stopped.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: if you've never experienced this kind of behavior up close and personal as well as over a long enough time period to see the effects, it is very hard to comprehend how utterly destructive it is.

 

After my dad died when I was a kid, my only living grandparent--his mom--was nasty to my mom (I'm sure it started before then but it only became evident to me after his death).

I was pretty young but even then I knew how petty she was being. What kind of adult snubs the youngest daughter (child) during the hardest time of her life?

my maternal grandmother HATED my father. she flat out told me I wasn't allowed to grieve and to stop crying. I was 12, and adored my father.

When she died about 10 years ago, the only emotion I can say I felt was possibly very slight guilt...that I didn't care that she was dead.

I'm so proud of myself. I did NOT have a grave dance to the tune of "ding dong the wicked witch is dead". even my mother admitted she felt nothing but relief.

But still, as I type this, I feel like crying because now that I have kids, I see how grandparents are supposed to adore their grandkids...all of them, and how much that love means to kids. A grandparent should never show preference for one kid over another.

as nice as it would have been to have had a healthy family relationship growing up, I realized I would rather have this relationship with my own children, and how much more I cherish it. 1dd understands what I dealt with that she doesn't have to, and respects me more for it.

Edited August 5, 2011 by gardenmom5

[zaichiki]

Where I differ from many of my IRL parent peers, especially the Americans, is on the issue of fairness. I don't base parenting or family decisions from that POV, whereas it seems to drive many of their parenting decisions. It's interesting, to me, to see how different family -and, I guess, social- culture can be :)

 

Good point.

 

I think current, American culture makes parenting *very* child-centered. Eek. I see it in myself. It's part of the reason we ended up homeschooling. I'd like to get away from that more, but I don't know how to do that. Because of the way I was raised I'm very driven to be an attentive mother (maybe overly attentive?).

[zaichiki]

why not just say to ODS "What a great idea! Yes, you boys are welcome to do X, Y, Z around the house to earn the money for the two of you to take Grandma to Disney!" Then it's really up to each boy whether or not they want to participate.

 

Hey, great approach!