Table Manners

[Boxing Hare]

I need help. My kids (12, 10, & 6) table manners are atrocious. So far my strategy has been to remind them of whatever manner they weren't doing at the time. They would correct it, but 30 seconds later I would be reminding them again. I AM SICK OF IT. Plus, it's clearly not working b/c they are old enough to get it now. Their friends have good table manners, so it seems to be just us.

 

Tonight, I took away ds's supper b/c I corrected the same thing 3 times. I told them if their brains weren't teaching them manners, maybe their hungry stomachs will. I am PMSing, so I am a little crazy right now.

 

How do y'all do it? Cause my starvation plan seems a little crazy even to me.:tongue_smilie:

[eternalknot]

My 6 year old sometimes talks with food in her mouth, a la my MIL, but other than that we've tackled table manners the same way we have other life skills. I break it down, skill by desired skill and we hyperfocus on that until it's sunken in; then we move down the list, and do it all again!

 

Is it general "poor table manners" or are there specific things you have to keep reminded them to do differently? I think taking away supper isn't going to help, but maybe practicing table manners outside of meal time may? Again, like a lab or a class enactment when the stakes aren't so high (mealtime). Like that icky cotillion (sp?) class my SIL made my poor nephews take LOL.

 

Your older two might also do well enough to be exposed to their friends habits more often; monkey see, monkey do? Especially if you chat 'em up ahead of time so they're focusing on their friends' habits as they eat.

[Impish]

My kids get 3 warnings, and then excused from the table.

 

Bad table manners (chewing with mouth open, smacking, slurping) completely grosses me out and literally makes me gag. Stuff like not holding cutlery like a caveman just gets corrected over and over.

[Boxing Hare]

Overall manners. I am embarrassed to share this, but here it is:

 

Talking with food in your mouth.

Chewing with your mouth open.

Taking the LARGEST possible bite you can.

Using the tablecloth or shirt as your napkin.

Not wiping your mouth at all.

Standing while eating.

Using fingers instead of silverware.

 

I'm sure there's more, but if these were fixed I'd be much happier. Plus, I'm getting a little afraid to let them eat at friend's houses...

 

I laughed when I saw the quote in your signature...I'm trying to teach pigs good manners!

[eternalknot]

Overall manners. I am embarrassed to share this, but here it is:

 

Talking with food in your mouth.

Chewing with your mouth open.

Taking the LARGEST possible bite you can.

Using the tablecloth or shirt as your napkin.

Not wiping your mouth at all.

Standing while eating.

Using fingers instead of silverware.

 

I'm sure there's more, but if these were fixed I'd be much happier. Plus, I'm getting a little afraid to let them eat at friend's houses...

 

I laughed when I saw the quote in your signature...I'm trying to teach pigs good manners!

 

The talking with food in your mouth and chewing with your mouth open are pretty awful; those are my biggies, too, and things we worked hard on. As I said, my MIL is guilty of both -she just likes to talk!- so it's been a challenge to correct my kids without pointing fingers at how my MIL is. Though FWIW, seeing my MIL did make my older one better about finishing chewing before speaking - once he concentrated on seeing what it looked like from the other side of the table!

 

I won't talk about the standing while eating thing :tongue_smilie: I'm a flight attendant, and this is habit for me. My kids are always, like, hey mom! Sit down with us [at the table]! I won't even realize I'm still at the counter top shoveling the food down before a passenger comes up asking for something and interrupts my meal LOL.

 

For awhile I did tell my kids that the answer was an automatic "no" when they were invited to eat out with their friends (or mine). I was honest; that there table habits were embarassing to me, and that I was not going to release them to the public until I felt confident they wouldn't be embarassing the family name :lol:. I held to that. It didn't take my older one very long to take an interest in correcting his habits, and once he made improvements he no longer had to decline every request.

 

I still say treat it as a subject, and teach it outside of meal times. Use fake food, or make a point of using lunch to teach the 'course' to them. If all else fails, grab a book on table manners or Emily Post or something and promise to make them work out of that if they aren't motivated enough to just humor you by making good at your luncheon class.

 

I think instead of removing a meal, I'd put it to the side for ten minutes - allowing the kid to copy 10 sentences "I'll chew with my mouth closed" and then be served again, with a second chance. Or fifth.

 

My kids have amazing penmanship :D

Edited August 1, 2011 by eternalknot
i haz awesum grammar

[Impish]

Overall manners. I am embarrassed to share this, but here it is:

 

Talking with food in your mouth.

Chewing with your mouth open.

Taking the LARGEST possible bite you can.

Using the tablecloth or shirt as your napkin.

Not wiping your mouth at all.

Standing while eating.

Using fingers instead of silverware.

 

I'm sure there's more, but if these were fixed I'd be much happier. Plus, I'm getting a little afraid to let them eat at friend's houses...

 

I laughed when I saw the quote in your signature...I'm trying to teach pigs good manners!

As I said, gross out gets them excused from the table. They do get to come back and eat when everyone else is done, but they're not allowed to inflict disgusting behaviour on others.

 

Honestly, its self preservation. It honestly makes me feel sick to my stomach and start gagging. Can't. Handle. It.

 

The other stuff would be just focus on one thing at a time and constant correction.

[abbeyej]

For kids who are old enough to know better, I let them know that a second infraction will cause them to be excused from the table for the duration of the meal. I don't mind a quick reminder, "Put your napkin in your lap, please!", but if I've said, "Don't speak with your mouth full" and they repeat that, clearly they don't wish to finish a meal in civilized company. I'm not a dragon. ;) I just don't think nagging works as well as consistent consequences.

 

Establish a day or two of "practice meals". Let them know that this is a transition to your new, more demanding table manners program. First infraction, you note gently: "Please do not stick your tongue out at the table. If you do it again, you will be excused." Second time: "You've stuck your tongue out again, starting on Wednesday, that would mean that your meal was over. Because we're still in transition, you may have one more chance." A third time, even in "transition" means the meal is over and they are excused from the table (to finish waiting in their room or sitting on the steps or whatever is *boring*). After transition, the second warning equals being excused.

[T'smom]

Here's an idea I've heard. Everyone gets a little dixie cup of m&ms at their place and anyone who catches someone breaking an etiquette rule gets to take one of their m&ms. You could let them know that you're going to do this on a certain night so they have a chance to practice for a few nights before. If you think that your kids would just be grabbing them, you could make them okay it with you before they take one. You have to say why you're taking one (for example- you just had your elbow on the table....I'm taking an m&m!)

[Daisy]

We warn them and then make them leave the table.

 

They can then come back and eat by themselves after everyone else is done.

 

They learned fairly quickly that we were not going to tolerate it.

[KungFuPanda]

How long do meals last at your house? I've noticed that my kids' friends with the most questionable table manners are the ones used to getting away from the table quickly. They almost lose their minds at our table :lol: They've managed to squeeze their food and conversation into 15 minutes and here we are spending 60-90 minutes just relaxing, talking, chewing small bites slowly. Sometimes we're there long enough to be settled and ready for dessert and the process begins again. I think our record is 7 hours :lol:

 

So MAYBE, more time, smaller plates, smaller portions AND dismissing repeat offenders before dessert hits the table would work for you.

[specialmama]

We did an etiquette crash-course over a month. Each evening we discussed and worked on one manner, then rotated each night until we finally used all at one meal. The big prize was a fancy dinner out, the kind where daddy brings home a rose and we all wear fancy clothes and put napkins on our laps. It was a fun way to get the manners in. Now if I can only teach my son to stop putting food in his nose...

[misidawnrn]

Overall manners. I am embarrassed to share this, but here it is:

 

Talking with food in your mouth.

Chewing with your mouth open.

Taking the LARGEST possible bite you can.

Using the tablecloth or shirt as your napkin.

Not wiping your mouth at all.

Standing while eating.

Using fingers instead of silverware.

 

I'm sure there's more, but if these were fixed I'd be much happier. Plus, I'm getting a little afraid to let them eat at friend's houses...

 

I laughed when I saw the quote in your signature...I'm trying to teach pigs good manners!

 

My 7 year old must be your secret daughter! I guess the only thing she doesn't do is stand while eating but if I had a penny for every time I have said "chew with your mouth shut" I would be rich! If I said you can have candy after every meal, she wouldn't forget that! Why do I have to remind her of good manners?

 

My dad used to have a saying "Melissa, Melissa, young and able, get your elbows off the table! Round and round you must go!" and we had to run around the outside of the house. Try that!

 

I also do the 3 reminders and you are finished eating. I am bad though because after 2 reminders I kind of don't pay attention so I don't have to take away her meal. I have a few times and she turns on the BIG tears and says "I will mom!"

[T'smom]

My 7 year old must be your secret daughter! I guess the only thing she doesn't do is stand while eating but if I had a penny for every time I have said "chew with your mouth shut" I would be rich! If I said you can have candy after every meal, she wouldn't forget that! Why do I have to remind her of good manners?

 

My dad used to have a saying "Melissa, Melissa, young and able, get your elbows off the table! Round and round you must go!" and we had to run around the outside of the house. Try that!

 

I also do the 3 reminders and you are finished eating. I am bad though because after 2 reminders I kind of don't pay attention so I don't have to take away her meal. I have a few times and she turns on the BIG tears and says "I will mom!"

 

 

Oh my! This brought back soooo many memories of church camp! If someone had their elbows on the table the whole table would sing

"Mabel, Mabel, Strong and able,

get those elbows off the table,

this is not a horse's stable,

but a respectable dining table"

Then...

"Round the table you must go, you must go, you must go.

Round the table you must go, that was awful."

Then when the person went around the table and sat back down, it would start up again with-

"Back around the other way, other way, other way.

Back around the other way, that was awful."

 

I hadn't thought about that in years! Probably not a solution to your current situation though! Sorry for the hijack!

[Boxing Hare]

Here's an idea I've heard. Everyone gets a little dixie cup of m&ms at their place and anyone who catches someone breaking an etiquette rule gets to take one of their m&ms. You could let them know that you're going to do this on a certain night so they have a chance to practice for a few nights before. If you think that your kids would just be grabbing them' date=' you could make them okay it with you before they take one. You have to say why you're taking one (for example- you just had your elbow on the table....I'm taking an m&m!)[/quote']

 

I'm going to try this! My kids love m&ms, and love "catching" each other even more.

 

The round and round saying was cute, but my kids would think it was funny and would purposely put their elbows on the table so they could run around it...

 

We'll try m&m's for the rest of the month, then I'll implement the 3 strikes rule.

 

Thanks for all the advice!

[Parrothead]

As I said, gross out gets them excused from the table. They do get to come back and eat when everyone else is done, but they're not allowed to inflict disgusting behaviour on others.

 

Honestly, its self preservation. It honestly makes me feel sick to my stomach and start gagging. Can't. Handle. It.

 

The other stuff would be just focus on one thing at a time and constant correction.

:iagree: Disgusting behavior needs to be done alone. I have no problem with the average kid eating alone or even missing a meal, if that is what it takes to get their attention, for being disgusting at the table.

 

Caveman hands, elbows on the table, napkin in the lap just get told over and over - especially the elbows and napkin.

[abbeyej]

Here's an idea I've heard. Everyone gets a little dixie cup of m&ms at their place and anyone who catches someone breaking an etiquette rule gets to take one of their m&ms. You could let them know that you're going to do this on a certain night so they have a chance to practice for a few nights before. If you think that your kids would just be grabbing them' date=' you could make them okay it with you before they take one. You have to say why you're taking one (for example- you just had your elbow on the table....I'm taking an m&m!)[/quote']

 

See, this to me just sounds like an invitation to *more* bad table manners. M&ms on the table during a meal (and I'm not sure I could stand dixie cups on the table during a family dinner, lol, but that's probably a personal problem), pointing out each other's lapses (it's the height of rudeness to point out someone else's poor manners in front of others *unless* you're a parent/authority figure gently training a child), grabbing across the table... It's just not something I would want to introduce at family dinner.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Why is putting elbows on the table rude? :confused:

 

I have never understood that. I put my elbows on the table every single day. It would seem awkward NOT to. Maybe I'm just short or with short arms or something, but when people try so hard NOT to put their elbows on the table it just looks awkward and uncomfortable, like they are trying to curtsy while ordering at McDonald's.

 

ETA: Just so you all don't think I'm a complete CaveGirl,...I don't put my knees or chin on the table. Just elbows.

[Boxing Hare]

The m&m's worked! :D No one lost a single m&m except for dh. Their manners were beautiful! Mouths closed, napkins in lap, small bites, using silverware, the works! I've never experienced a dinner like that before with my dc. I am so amazed and happy! I guess they needed a positive motivation.

 

I did mention that normally pointing out someone's faults is bad manners, but we were doing this for fun and to improve as a family. I liked how several of you explained that the purpose of manners was to make others feel comfortable. Thanks to y'all I sounded like a wise mom.

 

Thanks T'smom!

[T'smom]

Yay! I'm so glad!! I'm not sure I've ever given good advice before! :party::party:

[Laura Corin]

Why is putting elbows on the table rude? :confused:

 

 

It's comfortable without seeming... unconventional.

 

Laura

[Lily_Grace]

See, this to me just sounds like an invitation to *more* bad table manners. M&ms on the table during a meal (and I'm not sure I could stand dixie cups on the table during a family dinner, lol, but that's probably a personal problem), pointing out each other's lapses (it's the height of rudeness to point out someone else's poor manners in front of others *unless* you're a parent/authority figure gently training a child), grabbing across the table... It's just not something I would want to introduce at family dinner.

 

We do the same thing but with buttons and it really works to improve table manners. The offending party hands over the button and the one at the end with the most picks the after-dinner family activity.

 

I guess it works because it makes us very aware of how we are perceived, but without any true "punishment", just a simple reward that still benefits us all.

 

There are many things done in families that are not acceptable to do to guests/in front of guests, which is why those manners are separate. I'd never insist a guest scrape his own plate or the like, but I would for my child. When the buttons are put away, so is the game, but not the requirement of table manners.