So Frustrated Right Now!!

[tuzor]

I really need help with this. Being a stay at home homeschool mom of three, I have a lot on my plate. If I don't stick to a regimented schedule things can get out of hand quickly. This week I am not schooling so that I can catch up on some jobs around that house that need my attention. Here is my problem. My mother comes over to my house several times a week and spends hours. This is a problem because when she is here I can't do the things I have outlined to do because I feel like she is a guest in my home. I end up spending time on the couch with her and I have so many other things that need to get done. She shows up when I am schooling the boys, even though I have told her that I can not have visitors before three. To make a long story short I love my mom but then when she leaves I am frustrated because I have not accomplished what I needed to accomplish that day which makes me more stressed because it adds to the next days load. In addition things like story time with the boys or bath time get pushed to the next day because they are so wound up and tired it is too late to now bathe them and I am so frustrated that I don't have the patience to deal with the tired wiggles. How can I effectively communicate my need here without sounding so harsh. Mom says she would like to help me but we are like oil and water. Her ways are not my ways and we always seem to argue when she is trying to help me. I need some solutions that I can stick to for this situation. It applies to mom and others it seems like the moment I decide to homeschool my house is the chosen destination for everyone.

[Impish]

Phone off, don't answer the door. "We're not available until after 3 pm" and stick to it.

[meggie]

Is there a reason you can't put a sign on the door and not answer it? And then when she calls you to complain about you not opening the door you say, "I'm sorry, I'm not available right now. I can talk to you after 3." And when she offers to help you, can say, "Not your problem to worry about." Repeat. Best six words in the English language for a mom who doesn't know her boundaries.

[OnTheBrink]

The way I see it, you have a couple of options:

 

1) Tell her clearly that you can not have anyone over before 3. If she comes to the door, don't answer it. Put a cute sign on the door that says, "School in session. Will answer the door after 3pm!"

 

2) Admit her to your home, but go on about your day as if she's not a guest. Do what you need to do. If this offends her, say, "Mom, I have things I need to do. If you want to come back after 3, I'll have time to chat then."

[Mynyel]

Phone off, don't answer the door. "We're not available until after 3 pm" and stick to it.

 

 

:iagree:

 

 

Print out a sign to hang on the door and laminate it. Put it up during school time.

 

School is in session.

 

The door will *NOT* be answered during these hours.

 

Or some such thing. If all else fails you may have to be harsh. Some people think it is easy and you can do it anytime since you homeschool. You may have to just put your foot down and say do not come over. That is all I can think of :)

[MamaAkins]

I used to have the exact same situation with my mom when she lived a little closer and her work schedule was different. (Luckily, since she moved a little further away and her work schedule has changed, she does less "drop in" visits). It was so frustrating. I didn't want to be harsh (it doesn't take much to push my mom over the edge and hurt her feelings).

 

The way I look at it, in this type of situation, you have four choices:

1. Deal with it. Not a good solution, in my opinion, as it will leave you frustrated and things not getting done.

2. Be harsh. It may get your point across, but at what expense?

3. Move very far away. Again, not usually a feasible solution.

4. Make a "date" with your mom. Invite her over one afternoon a week (maybe finish up school a little early on that day). Or ask for her help. "Mom, can you come play with the youngest child so that I can work with the other kids on math?" or "Mom, would you like to join us on our field trip to the museum?" Maybe she's just lonely and is trying to be involved in this aspect of your life??

[dangermom]

Go ahead with your work while your mom's there. With luck, she'll help you. :) But you don't need to drop everything for someone who is spending hours a day in your home!

[redsquirrel]

Homeschooling has to be your job. If you don't treat it like it is, no one else will.

 

What everyone else has said about being clearer in your boundaries and sticking to them is really all you need to know. But, remember, you are the only person who can get your needs met. If you don't take care of yourself, no one else will.

 

One of the best things I ever did was cultivate the idea among friends and family that I would be annoyed if contacted for any non-emergency before 2pm. I tell them I am at work during that time and can't be interrupted. I don't answer emails etc either.

 

And for the record, I don't do laundry or other housekeeping during school hours either. I am at work. It is my job to be available to my kids and to educate them. Everything else can take a number.

[PentecostalMom]

The way I see it, you have a couple of options:

 

1) Tell her clearly that you can not have anyone over before 3. If she comes to the door, don't answer it. Put a cute sign on the door that says, "School in session. Will answer the door after 3pm!"

 

2) Admit her to your home, but go on about your day as if she's not a guest. Do what you need to do. If this offends her, say, "Mom, I have things I need to do. If you want to come back after 3, I'll have time to chat then."

 

I agree with this and lean toward #2. I know you said that you are like oil & water, but you only have one mom. Is she lonesome? If she really wants to help, let her read to your dc or bathe them. Does it really matter how she reads or how they get bathed as long as they are clean? I would involve her. I am familiar with the "oil and water" as I am the same with my mom. However, now that my kids are growing up without any family because we move with dh's job, I wish I could spend more time with her. Just a few thoughts to try to keep things in perspective.

[Little Nyssa]

some ideas--

1. Let her in! but limit 'couch time' to 1 hour or 1 cup of tea. Then you have to get up & go about your day. It's up to you to set the limits.

2. Can she play with some of your DC while you school the others? that way she's involved & doesn't get sent away, but is helpful to you also.

3. Some PPs suggested sign on the door, refusing her admittance altogether-- to me that seems a little harsh. I would try my first two ideas. Good luck!

[Jean in Newcastle]

While I agree with the suggestions for boundaries that others have suggested, do you really need to school until 3 pm? Your oldest is only 6. At that age we were always done by noon.

 

Things to do with Mom -

 

nature walk with the kids and mom

 

story time

 

water play in the yard while you and mom fold clothes and watch them.

 

I really like the suggestion to make a date with her at least once a week. It is proactive, kind and solves your problem.

[tuzor]

Thanks guys for the ideas. I know she always asks how she can help. I think giving her a child to work with probably my 18 month or 3 year old will be a good idea.

 

In addition limiting the couch time to an hour is a great idea. I don't know why I did not think of that. I have tried to get other things done before when she was here but then she feels unwelcome. Part of the reason she feels unwelcome is our home is a two story home so a lot of things I have to do that are not school related are upstairs. But with couch time, I can spend some time with her but once the couch time is over I can continue my other activities and explain to her that I can only spare a certain amount of time.

 

@PentecostalMom- Yes mom is very lonesome. I am an only child. My parents divorced when I was two my mom never remarried or had other children. She is not involved in anything but work, church and me.

[tuzor]

While I agree with the suggestions for boundaries that others have suggested, do you really need to school until 3 pm? Your oldest is only 6. At that age we were always done by noon.

 

Things to do with Mom -

 

nature walk with the kids and mom

 

story time

 

water play in the yard while you and mom fold clothes and watch them.

 

I really like the suggestion to make a date with her at least once a week. It is proactive, kind and solves your problem.

 

 

Yes we don't start our day until about 10 and when things are going well we generally are done around 2.. This includes breaks and lunch time. I say three because that gives me time to do my paperwork and prepare for the next day.

[Diana B]

I just want to agree with the PPs that said to have her help you out while she's there.

 

With my mom, I wouldn't hesitate to say "Hey the 1 yr old needs a diaper change and then you can play with him while I finish up working on math."

 

or

 

"Wanna take the 6 and 3 yr olds on a walk while I put the littlest one down for a nap and then get caught up on paper work?"

 

Make a list of the things she could do that would actually help you. (Not necessarily written out, just things you could suggest when she comes over.)

 

If you know she's probably going to stop over, wait on folding the clothes until she's there and then fold and talk. Although I think trying out the pre-planned times first might be the best option. Good luck!