AnthemLights Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I have been babysitting for a friend of mine throughout the winter. 2 children - a 4 year old and a baby. I am a SAHM and don't really get out much during the winter so two extra children don't really disrupt my every day schedule that much. The pay is not much - $1.50/hour - but I wasn't really doing it for the pay...more just to help her out. She is a single mom working at a minimum wage job and can't really afford to pay much for childcare. However, now that it is summer - I don't know what to do. Summers here in MT are short and I am used to spending every spare minute outside -either working in the garden, on the landscaping or taking my kiddos to the beach. Or sometimes just hanging out at my husband's job site. The 4 year old is no problem. She can just ride along with whatever we are doing. But not so the baby. I am feeling really tied down and would love to just quit. We don't need the money at all. But I feel guilty (and selfish) telling my friend that I can't help her out anymore. Especially if my only reason is that I want more beach time. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Well, I'd consider it a job not a ministry. I've done the el cheapo rates to help a friend--I really understand. But your family comes first. Give her two weeks notice, and go to the beach without guilt. She will find someone else, and be grateful you were there to help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnthemLights Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 Ach, Chris, you make it sounds so easy...:tongue_smilie: I wonder how that would actually work in real life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
My3Monkeys Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Maybe you could cut it down to just 2 days a week? That way you could help her a little but still have several days of freedom? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophia Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 You've been doing this for several months already? What was your agreement when you started? Did you think ahead to summer and ask her to make alternate arrangements? Or were you both planning that you would do this indefinitely? I think if you continue to babysit when you really don't want to, it could cause some resentment and bitterness in your friendship, and well...that's not going to help anybody :tongue_smilie:. I'd just be honest with her and ask her to find someone else for the summer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnthemLights Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 I started last September and yes our agreement was only for the winter. She was going to try to find someone else come summer and I know she has been looking but so far...no luck. I know she would be understanding about it...I think I would have a harder time with my own conscience. :tongue_smilie: But actually My3monkeys had a good thought. I could do a couple days a week without feeling too tied down. Maybe I could go half and half with someone else. Don't know why I didn't think of that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Honestly, in your shoes, I'd tell her that you will continue full time for the next two weeks, and then you are available only on days x and x (whichever are best for your family). Please understand that even though it will be difficult for her, you have to stick to your guns for your family. If you don't stick to it, she'll never believe it, and will likely continue to not find other arrangements. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saujana Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 You need a break to refresh and recharge yourself well. Don't feel guilty. You will be able to do a better job when you get back on. Have a fun summer at the beach! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Ach, Chris, you make it sounds so easy...:tongue_smilie: I wonder how that would actually work in real life. In my case, it was a boundary issue. I helped two people with their kids one year; one had an infant I watched for about 4 hours, and one had two 5th grade girls that came over after school. I didn't charge very much at all. Along about January of that school year, I really didn't want to do it anymore, but I continued, because I was feeling responsible for the parents. I didn't want to leave them in the lurch, so to speak. What I didn't realize is how resentful I was feeling, and also, how my youngest son didn't like having them in our home, either. (The baby napped in his room and he couldn't use it directly after school for about an hour, and that bothered him.) Now I realize I wasn't responsible for fixing their child care dilemmas, and I could have given them appropriate notice, and they would have dealt with it. For me, not saying this is you--pls hear that!--I often felt I needed to provide solutions for people--for my kids, my husband, my friends. It took me a while to understand that I can be helpful without being responsible for the solution. It actually isn't good for the other person when I do this--I am not truly being loving when I take control of someone else's problem. I thought saving the day made me a better person, was great for that other person, and so on. But, no. When I realized that, it made me actually offer to help others more, because I was experiencing the freedom that comes with having clear, healthy boundaries and not taking on problems that don't belong to me. I'm still working on it. Hope this isn't offensive--just a thought I hope is helpful. YMMV!:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warneral Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 That is a HUGE undertaking! 1.50 an hour - no wonder she hasn't found anything else. She won't either! I'm guessing daycare would cost 10x that much or more for 2 children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnthemLights Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 That is a HUGE undertaking! 1.50 an hour - no wonder she hasn't found anything else. She won't either! I'm guessing daycare would cost 10x that much or more for 2 children. I shouldn't have even mentioned the pay in the the OP, because it wasn't really pay...it was more just doing what she could to help pay for the increase in groceries while the children are here. IF she had to pay real childcare costs, there is no way she could afford to work. I don't know how other single moms do it. I know that she is getting some government help but I also know that she feels like she has to work, so obviously it isn't enough to cover living expenses. But I don't really know the details of her finances. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwickimom Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I think dropping down to a few days a week would be a good option. You would be helping, but still putting your family first. I can totally understand helping out (I do it too) but there is only so much you can do. I had to let go of the guilt of not being able to help everyone out all the time. While we were struggling financially, I was watching other children for free or next to nothing and I wasnt putting my kids first and we were suffering. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnthemLights Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 In my case, it was a boundary issue. I helped two people with their kids one year; one had an infant I watched for about 4 hours, and one had two 5th grade girls that came over after school. I didn't charge very much at all. Along about January of that school year, I really didn't want to do it anymore, but I continued, because I was feeling responsible for the parents. I didn't want to leave them in the lurch, so to speak. What I didn't realize is how resentful I was feeling, and also, how my youngest son didn't like having them in our home, either. (The baby napped in his room and he couldn't use it directly after school for about an hour, and that bothered him.) Now I realize I wasn't responsible for fixing their child care dilemmas, and I could have given them appropriate notice, and they would have dealt with it. For me, not saying this is you--pls hear that!--I often felt I needed to provide solutions for people--for my kids, my husband, my friends. It took me a while to understand that I can be helpful without being responsible for the solution. It actually isn't good for the other person when I do this--I am not truly being loving when I take control of someone else's problem. I thought saving the day made me a better person, was great for that other person, and so on. But, no. When I realized that, it made me actually offer to help others more, because I was experiencing the freedom that comes with having clear, healthy boundaries and not taking on problems that don't belong to me. I'm still working on it. Hope this isn't offensive--just a thought I hope is helpful. YMMV!:D Not affensive at all, Chris, and thanks for taking the time to respond a second time. You gave me a lot to think about. I can really relate to much of what you said because I often feel the same way. Especially about fixing things and "saving the day" for people. In this situation, I find myself feeling so responsible for her....for her job, for the children, for her financial situation. And, in my case, I also keep thinking what would Jesus do. I want to be a blessing to her family. Even though the original arrangement was for me to help only through the winter, I still feel like I am being a quitter...being selfish....leaving a poor single mom in the lurch while I go blithely on my way, etc. Still not sure what I am going to do...cutting down sounds like a good solution on my part but I actually don't know who she would get to cover the other days unless she pays more the going wage. In which case, does it even pay for her to work? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 For me, not saying this is you--pls hear that!--I often felt I needed to provide solutions for people--for my kids, my husband, my friends. It took me a while to understand that I can be helpful without being responsible for the solution. It actually isn't good for the other person when I do this--I am not truly being loving when I take control of someone else's problem. I thought saving the day made me a better person, was great for that other person, and so on. But, no. :iagree: I don't know what line of work she is in -- perhaps she can switch her shifts and you can cut back to keeping her children just two or three days per week. When I was a single parent I worked full-time and still qualified for assistance, which I took advantage of. I paid full price for daycare, which was 1/3 of my income at one job and 1/4 of my income at another. I did receive rental assistance when I worked the first job but not the second. I made it work. Obviously we don't know the ins and outs of her finances. I'm just saying that I found a way to make it work because I had to. Perhaps she might quit working for a while and go back to school if that would help her secure a better paying job. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I will be sending my kids to Montana for the summer. I expect the $1.50 an houir rate! (assuming you provide snacks...) :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 States have assistance for parents with minimum wage/low wage jobs. This includes single moms and 2 parent households. If she is truly making minimum wage they will pay most of the cost of daycare in a licensed daycare. I know this is true in Wisconsin and Illinois. I'm fairly sure its true elsewhere. The state would rather pay for that then have her on welfare. My sister has had a home daycare for almost 10 years. Her clients are almost exclusively on this kind of state aid. They each pay a percentage of daycare and the state pays the rest. The state also reimburses her for food. If your friend doesn't know about this option, she should. Maybe you could do a little research for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 States have assistance for parents with minimum wage/low wage jobs. This includes single moms and 2 parent households. If she is truly making minimum wage they will pay most of the cost of daycare in a licensed daycare. I know this is true in Wisconsin and Illinois. I'm fairly sure its true elsewhere. The state would rather pay for that then have her on welfare. My sister has had a home daycare for almost 10 years. Her clients are almost exclusively on this kind of state aid. They each pay a percentage of daycare and the state pays the rest. The state also reimburses her for food. If your friend doesn't know about this option, she should. Maybe you could do a little research for her. I was thinking the same thing. There are several types of assistance available to low-income families: rental assistance, childcare assistance, WIC, welfare/food stamps/TANF (I'm not sure which is the correct term these days), etc. If she qualifies for one then she likely qualifies for more than one. She needs to check these things out if she hasn't already done so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnthemLights Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 I was thinking the same thing. There are several types of assistance available to low-income families: rental assistance, childcare assistance, WIC, welfare/food stamps/TANF (I'm not sure which is the correct term these days), etc. If she qualifies for one then she likely qualifies for more than one. She needs to check these things out if she hasn't already done so. I know she is getting WIC and food stamps. I don't know about any of the other things. I didn't know that there was childcare assistance available and maybe she doesn't either. I will have to ask her about that. Maybe that would be an option although she might not want to put her children into daycare. Thanks for all the ideas/advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnthemLights Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 I will be sending my kids to Montana for the summer. I expect the $1.50 an houir rate! (assuming you provide snacks...) :lol: LOL, Unfortunately I only have room for 2 extras in my home and at present they are both filled. I will let you know when I have an opening. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MolleenCarie Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I understand your predicament; I'm always trying to be the hero and save people, too. I think you've gotten enough posts on the pay and hours, I just want to suggest ways to make it easier to take a 2yo to the beach. ;) #1. Life jacket. My toddlers stay in one from the time we get out of the car until we're back again (or at the shower) until they're at least 3. At three they understand that they wear the jacket in the water and they know the danger of not doing so. #2. Okay. I just had one tip. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwickimom Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I know you want to help, but (and I hope you dont take this as harsh as it sounds) finding a place for her children to go while she works....is not your responsibility. As sucky as it is, its only her responsibility. I know that it sounds mean, but it is the truth. You either have to do what you can and what works best for you (cut down or quit) or watch the child and just deal with the consequences of it for you and your family. Your friend is lucky to have you, btu you made a deal and the deal is over. She will find somewhere else because she has to. I have totally done what you are doing, but had to come to the realization that it wasnt my responsibility to find places for everyones babies. :) Here in Illinois there is a program that pays for daycare or part of daycare. I hope you get this worked out and your friend finds somehwere else for her kid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Um, yeah. Give her notice and plan that beach trip! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnthemLights Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 I understand your predicament; I'm always trying to be the hero and save people, too. I think you've gotten enough posts on the pay and hours, I just want to suggest ways to make it easier to take a 2yo to the beach. ;) #1. Life jacket. My toddlers stay in one from the time we get out of the car until we're back again (or at the shower) until they're at least 3. At three they understand that they wear the jacket in the water and they know the danger of not doing so. #2. Okay. I just had one tip. ;) :D Thanks for the tip. So far this summer I went to the beach only once with the whole gang. It was quite an interesting experience. :tongue_smilie: The baby is only 11 months old and stayed in her stroller the whole time and was actually very happy. We do have a very strict life jacket rule for those old enough to go into the water. The whole beach thing is doable, I know. I just don't have the energy for it if it gets too complicated. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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