Why do I always have expectations of being valued by my family?

[Shelly in IL]

Extended family that is. I know I'm loved, got to be deep down some where. But, sometimes, it just doesn't feel like anyone cares. Travel 6 hours to see everyone, we all get together, I try to interact with everyone, I have huge happy things going on with our house that I want to share, and no one even wants to hear. My offer to show picture - completely ignored. I ask my mom a question, twice, looking right at her, and she ignores it to talk to my sister she sees every day. Maybe they have just moved on, and because I live far away, they just do business as usual, and tune my family out?

 

Yes, we all got together, and i really appreciate their efforts to come to mom and dads to see us, but did they really see us? Sorry to sound self-indulgent and self-pitying, but this happens every.single.time. You'd think I'd learn. Why does it hurt every.single.time. as well?

[Cassy]

:grouphug: That is really hurtful. It sounds to me as though there's some bad feeling you're not aware of, jealousy maybe.

 

My mother has passed away now, but I do remember when good things were going on in my life and I was just bursting to share them with her, imagining she'd be pleased, proud for me, and then I'd just get snarky comments and was treated very cooly. The most hurtful time was after my first son was born. It was years later, one Christmas, when my uncle, her younger brother, snapped at her that everything had to be always about her, her house, her daughter, her job. I guess I'd never considered up to that point that she might have some serious deficiencies as a person. As they say, you can't change other people, you can only change your responses to them, which can take quite some time, work and healing.

 

:grouphug: again.

 

Cassy

Edited July 1, 2011 by Cassy

[jasar31629]

My sis lives about 20hrs away. When she comes home, we all try to get together a few times, but we also learned to schedule time individually (especially her and Mom). It's given us the chance for party time, but also time to reconnect one-on-one.

[Impish]

I hear you. :grouphug:

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

:grouphug: I've been realizing that I post waaaaay more about my kids on facebook than any of the other parents, friends or family. And I don't get a lot of responses. I am starting to wonder if people are thinking I'm bragging too much/looking for validation. I see it as trying to make people laugh or smile, and updating the (smaller) half of my family where these are the only great/grandchildren. Maybe your family is feeling the same way? My mil loves to brag to people about the things the boys know because we're homeschooling, but I used to get a lot of comments about how she was never "lucky" enough to be able to stay home. At one time I thought that maybe she thought that I was judging her for not staying home (I never did. I understand the situation they were in.) And at other times she has stated that she wishes she could have stayed home. Maybe she is jealous? She has self-esteem issues. Maybe your mother is feeling similarly, and dosen't want to face those feelings, so avoids hearing about things that makes her feel that way. I sympathize with wanting to share all the awesome things our kids do. Maybe you need to wait for her to ask. And that may take a while...:grouphug:

[mom4him]

My sis lives about 20hrs away. When she comes home, we all try to get together a few times, but we also learned to schedule time individually (especially her and Mom). It's given us the chance for party time, but also time to reconnect one-on-one.

:iagree:I so agree with this. I am not a great supporter of BIG family get togethers. We have them on holidays but I really try to have my adult children here at separate times, which reminds me I probably need to set something up with my dd and her husband.

 

It is hard when there are 15-20 people in your home, you are cooking or cleaning up the kitchen after cooking to really have time to visit. I love it when it is just one family sitting around the table sharing.

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:I understand. I think you should voice how you feel. That's not right! I had to change our holidays around to celebrate on a day my sister couldn't be there simply so that our family could enjoy my parents and each other without my sister dominating the day or causing strife.

[Parrothead]

How often do you "go home?" If you are going more than once a year or so, I imagine you might be expecting too much.

 

How often do you communicate (email, blog, face book, Skype) with your family? If you are talking to them once a week or so, the visits probably aren't all that special.

 

Now if you aren't communicating or if your visits are 3-5 year apart there might be something wrong.

[Meriwether]

How often do you "go home?" If you are going more than once a year or so, I imagine you might be expecting too much.

 

How often do you communicate (email, blog, face book, Skype) with your family? If you are talking to them once a week or so, the visits probably aren't all that special.

 

Now if you aren't communicating or if your visits are 3-5 year apart there might be something wrong.

 

 

:confused:(I'm not being smart here; I really am confused) I last visited my parents in April. We are going to visit them again soon. People are already making plans. We'll get there after midnight and my dad says, "Get a nap before you leave, so you'll be ready to play Catan when you get here." All four adults (and probably several of the kids) will be awake to greet us. Because it's been soooo looong since we've been there.:tongue_smilie: My brother does come home only once a year and that weekend is all about him. His favorite foods, etc. But I do expect people to converse with me even if it has only been a few months.

[jujsky]

:grouphug: I feel this way with some of my extended family too. Not with my mom or one aunt & uncle I have (my "second parents" as I call them), but with the rest of my mom's large family. We live 2 hours away and for years I made a huge effort to go up and visit, make it to every family event, etc. No one (aside from those mentioned and my cousin -- daughter of my "second parents" aunt & uncle) ever came down here to visit me, even when they were passing through, even though I asked several times. What hurt me the absolute most was my baby-shower. I went through infertility and lost a baby in early pregnancy. When we were getting ready to adopt my son, I was so excited! Because of everything I went through, that baby shower was so important to me -- just as important as my wedding. It symbolized joining the mommy club. Granted, people only had 2 weeks notice due to the nature of the adoption, but I went up to Maine countless times on far less notice for a party or event that was planned last minute or someone thought to tell me about last-minute, even canceling other plans to do so. My mom, aunt, and my mom's well-meaning but sort of insane cousin and her daughter made the 2 hour drive. No one else. One aunt was at her timeshare in some tropical place for her annual trip. That one I can understand completely. My other aunt and cousin had already planned a Superbowl party for the same day and had a ton of people coming over to their house. Okay, again -- I can understand that. It's not like they were going to a Superbowl party they could bow out of due to a family obligation -- they were hosting it. Superbowl Cousin apologized profusely. She is my age and was one of the most sympathetic people when it came to my miscarriage. Ironically, she doesn't like or want kids and isn't normally a very sensitive person so I was blown away by her compassion when I broke down at a family party earlier that year (a family friend brought a newborn to the party and I wasn't expecting there to be a baby there and I just lost it). She held me, let me cry, and cried with me. I know she would have been there if she wasn't hosting the party.

 

I am still holding a grudge towards one aunt to this day. She had homework. That was her excuse. She was taking a college class and had homework. Okay, you have 2 weeks notice, all of your kids are either at college or in high school so it's not like you have little kids to take care of and you have to plan homework times around them. Homework. Isn't that the lamest excuse you've ever heard????? I was JUST (7 1/2 years later) starting to get over this. I made excuses for her. Maybe she doesn't like to travel. She's allergic to dogs, doesn't like them, and I have 2 dogs so maybe she thought she'd hurt my feelings by just telling me that.

 

Nope. My cousin (Superbowl Cousin) now lives down here about 15 minutes away from me. She is planning a big housewarming BBQ party in a couple of weeks. Guess who is coming down, can't wait to see her place, and wants to know what she can bring? Homework Aunt!!!!! And guess what Superbowl Cousin has at her house? 2 big dogs, one of which isn't friendly. My mom knows me so well! She called and said, "So, did you see Homework Aunt's response to Superbowl Cousin's party invite? I bet you're pi$$ed!" Yes, mom, actually, I AM!

 

I have lived in my house for 11 years. 11 years. Not once has she, or anyone besides my mom, second parents, and grandmother, come down, though I have offered. She has driven through NH to get to MA and would have only had to take a small detour to get to my house. Not once. She has never seen my brother's house either and he's lived here for 3 or 4 years, in his house for 2. And it's not like she's super-close to Superbowl Cousin or anything. Timeshare Aunt is Superbowl Cousin's "second mom" -- not Homework Aunt.

 

I started to get choosy about family parties and such a couple Christmases ago. I was tired of most of my family (aside from the few I mentioned) never coming to any of the kids' parties or our house, yet expecting me to drive 2 hours with 2 babies/young children. It got to be too much when we were trying to cram Christmas with my mom's family and Christmas with my dad's family into the same day after we had kids. My dad's family never expects/asks for anything and were just happy to see us for whatever little time we could visit with them. My mom's family would make comments like, "You're leaving already?" Well, yeah, I am. I got up this morning, did Christmas with the kids at our house, ripped them away from their new toys to drive 2 HOURS here to be with you people for several hours, and I'd like to see my dad's family for an hour or so before I have to drive another 2 HOURS back with 2 cranky, exhausted children so we can let the dogs out before they crap all over the floor. So yeah, I'm leaving "already." If you want to spend time with my kids and me, how about you pick a weekend and drive down and see US for a change? So now we don't go up on Christmas. The first year we did it, nothing changed. The second year the family decided to do a family Christmas party right before or right after Christmas, so we do go up for that. I'm choosy about other family parties too. If we don't have plans, we go, but I no longer rearrange my schedule and cancel plans to be at a party if I receive a last-minute invitation. Oh, and another thing -- 3 times now, Homework Aunt has hosted family parties up at her parents' camp ON MY SON'S BIRTHDAY WEEKEND! The first time, maybe she didn't know, but I'd think by the second time she did this and received the response, "Sorry, it's History Kid's birthday," from my mom, my second parents, and me, she would find another time to do a graduation party. Who holds a graduation party in August?????

 

I'm not bitter or anything ;) Guess I really needed to vent!

[Shelly in IL]

Today, my sister and I went shopping, walking along their little downtown. I had just come from lunch a t the senior center with my family a d my mom and dad. We told mom that we would be back in an hour (they like to nap after eating), at Which time I would take mom out shopping.

 

Because I didn't take her with, right then, (she would not have had or been fun to shop with downtown, she doesn't like crafty/arty stores), she punished me by not being home when we returned. She didn't answer her cell. Finally, they appeared and had driven maybe 1/2 hour away to one of their farms for a drive. Intentional!!!

 

I am trying to be patient.

[Parrothead]

:confused:(I'm not being smart here; I really am confused) I last visited my parents in April. We are going to visit them again soon. People are already making plans. We'll get there after midnight and my dad says, "Get a nap before you leave, so you'll be ready to play Catan when you get here." All four adults (and probably several of the kids) will be awake to greet us. Because it's been soooo looong since we've been there.:tongue_smilie: My brother does come home only once a year and that weekend is all about him. His favorite foods, etc. But I do expect people to converse with me even if it has only been a few months.

I suppose with some people absence really does make the heart grow fonder. With others, not so much.

[catz]

It is hard when there are 15-20 people in your home, you are cooking or cleaning up the kitchen after cooking to really have time to visit. I love it when it is just one family sitting around the table sharing.

 

Oh I so agree with this. I have 15-20 people (in-laws) showing up here on the 4th. NEVER AGAIN. My husband is almost afraid to look at me right now I am so bitter about spending my holiday weekend cleaning. We also got home from a 2 week vacation a few days ago and we left right when we were trying to finish up some school loose ends (never finished of course) and our house is a pile of loose paper work and dust bunnies.

 

My in-laws have negative communication skills and think we are crazy OCD homeschoolers. Should be a good time. I better make some extra margaritas. But darnit, they don't drink, so no adult beverages. We see them regularly but they don't HEAR us and are not at all interested in anything we do or value as a family. They get together, talk garage sales for 2 hours amongst themselves, don't smile, laugh, or engage. Then leave. Good times. They exist in their own very small bubble.

 

Sorry for the vent. But I needed that! Definitely sympathetic to the OP! I think some people just have a hard time thinking beyond their own world.

[Rosie_0801]

I finally gave up on most of my extended family a year or so ago. If they hadn't been family, I daresay I would have noticed the obvious, they don't like me, sooner. :lol:

 

So now I lead a quiet, peaceful life. :D

 

 

It isn't a pleasant transition to make though.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Rosie

[LaxMom]

I finally gave up on most of my extended family a year or so ago. If they hadn't been family, I daresay I would have noticed the obvious, they don't like me, sooner. :lol:

 

So now I lead a quiet, peaceful life. :D

 

 

It isn't a pleasant transition to make though.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Rosie

 

Yup, I came to the same place with my husband's family, and you're right on all counts.

[Alyeska]

Extended family that is. I know I'm loved, got to be deep down some where. But, sometimes, it just doesn't feel like anyone cares. Travel 6 hours to see everyone, we all get together, I try to interact with everyone, I have huge happy things going on with our house that I want to share, and no one even wants to hear. My offer to show picture - completely ignored. I ask my mom a question, twice, looking right at her, and she ignores it to talk to my sister she sees every day. Maybe they have just moved on, and because I live far away, they just do business as usual, and tune my family out?

 

Yes, we all got together, and i really appreciate their efforts to come to mom and dads to see us, but did they really see us? Sorry to sound self-indulgent and self-pitying, but this happens every.single.time. You'd think I'd learn. Why does it hurt every.single.time. as well?

 

It hurts every time because eventually, deep down, you hope that things will be different. :grouphug:

 

I am so sorry. It is like that with me and my family too. And it still hurts me every time too.

[Alyeska]

 

I have lived in my house for 11 years. 11 years. Not once has she, or anyone besides my mom, second parents, and grandmother, come down, though I have offered. She has driven through NH to get to MA and would have only had to take a small detour to get to my house. Not once. She has never seen my brother's house either and he's lived here for 3 or 4 years, in his house for 2. And it's not like she's super-close to Superbowl Cousin or anything. Timeshare Aunt is Superbowl Cousin's "second mom" -- not Homework Aunt.

 

 

 

I totally get this! We lived in our old house for 13 years. For the first 4 years or so, I would fly home to visit yearly. After that, I got tired of feeling like I was the only one making an effort. The upside...my mom visited 3 times and even my mom's parents visited twice. The rest of my family? Nope. Not even after having offered to buy plane tickets for them. And if I don't call my dad and brothers, I will NEVER hear anything...they never, ever, ever call me. It has been 14 months since I have spoken to my eldest brother. I am not mad at him, I just got tired of being the initiator.

[Cassy]

I finally gave up on most of my extended family a year or so ago. If they hadn't been family, I daresay I would have noticed the obvious, they don't like me, sooner. :lol:

 

So now I lead a quiet, peaceful life. :D

 

 

It isn't a pleasant transition to make though.

 

 

Rosie

 

 

:seeya: Same here! This describes my position with my ILs exactly. Maybe we should start a social group :D (or would that be an anti-social group :001_huh:).

 

:001_smile:

 

Cassy

[GardenTenders/Kim]

:grouphug: Sometimes family stinks. I'm sorry.