Korean culture and gifts

[chubbyhugs]

Last night my Korean neighbor gave me a gift for getting his water turned off. Both of our families were out of town for a day one month ago except we returned home hours earlier than they did. The hose of their washing machine burst and their house was flooded to the point that water was gushing out of the stucco. We live on a fairly busy street, but it was Sunday, and no other neighbors in front or on the other side noticed the gazillion gallons of water flooding my lawn and flowing into the street like a waterfall so I called the fire department because I could not find their shutoff. Damage was bad and they are staying in a hotel.

 

Anyway, I've been given gifts of cookies before for doing something simple so I though the wrapped box had chocolates in it. It was a very expensive digital photo frame. I have to confess that it was something I have wanted for some time but would never be in our budget. I am going to write them a thank you note. But, for those who know Korean culture, would it be an insult to return this gift and tell them just to do something nice to another person who needs it?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes, it would be a huge insult. Enjoy your gift and give them a thank you note, perhaps with a side of cookies.

[myfunnybunch]

Yes, it would be a huge insult. Enjoy your gift and give them a thank you note, perhaps with a side of cookies.

 

:iagree:

 

Enjoy your photo frame. :)

 

Cat

[tagglelim]

I am married to a first-generation Korean. Koreans can be very generous and are a community-oriented people that bend over backwards to care for each other in times of need. Your simple act was very thoughtful. I imagine that in your neighbor's eyes you were being part of that community. Koreans tend to say thank you in big ways and yes, to return the gift would be very insulting. Keep it and enjoy it! Welcome to the Korean way! :)

[Susan in KY]

I am married to a first-generation Korean. Koreans can be very generous and are a community-oriented people that bend over backwards to care for each other in times of need. Your simple act was very thoughtful. I imagine that in your neighbor's eyes you were being part of that community. Koreans tend to say thank you in big ways and yes, to return the gift would be very insulting. Keep it and enjoy it! Welcome to the Korean way! :)

:iagree: Totally this. Don't even think about returning it. :001_smile:

[chubbyhugs]

Many, many thanks all! Your answers have helped me a lot. I'll keep the gift, write a thank you note and take it over with some fancy chocolates.

 

Or is there a Korean goody that they would like better than chocolates?

 

I've wondered about interactions in the past. He'll wave and say hello, but his wife NEVER looks our way nor says anything. She'll be standing 5 feet from me in the front yard watering her patch of lawn by the mailbox and never acknowledge my hello. Maybe she doesn't speak English or I don't talk loud enough. I thought she was deaf but I see and hear them converse together. Their college aged son speaks English very well, but he's not home that often.

[myfunnybunch]

I've wondered about interactions in the past. He'll wave and say hello, but his wife NEVER looks our way nor says anything. She'll be standing 5 feet from me in the front yard watering her patch of lawn by the mailbox and never acknowledge my hello. Maybe she doesn't speak English or I don't talk loud enough. I thought she was deaf but I see and hear them converse together. Their college aged son speaks English very well, but he's not home that often.

 

Interesting. Our Korean exchange student (who is very sweet and friendly) told us that she thinks Americans are very friendly. In Korea, she doesn't know any of her neighbors. She also told us that when she doesn't know someone or doesn't want to talk to someone, she pretends she doesn't see them, but I'm not sure how much is cultural and how much is personal. I do know that she was very self-conscious about her (imo very good) ability to speak English, and was shy about conversation at first. It could be that even if she speaks some English, your neighbor doesn't feel her English-speaking ability is "good enough" so she is hesitant to engage in conversation.

 

Actually, all of our Asian students have been surprised that we are friends with our neighbors, but they've all lived in the city and are rarely home during the day, and not knowing neighbors is something I've heard from American friends with similar lifestyles.

 

Cat

[Susan in KY]

It's highly likely she either struggles with English or believes she does. If you can make an effort to smile and say hello, she'd probably appreciate it.

[stripe]

Or is there a Korean goody that they would like better than chocolates?

 

I've wondered about interactions in the past. He'll wave and say hello, but his wife NEVER looks our way nor says anything. She'll be standing 5 feet from me in the front yard watering her patch of lawn by the mailbox and never acknowledge my hello. Maybe she doesn't speak English or I don't talk loud enough.

Maybe just shy? I wouldn't try to get them a Korean treat since they'd know betterwhat they'd want but all the Korean people I know looooove fruit. I think they'd love to try anything you would like to share. Maybe now the ice is broken, she will wave back. :)

[WishboneDawn]

But, for those who know Korean culture, would it be an insult to return this gift and tell them just to do something nice to another person who needs it?

 

I think that would be an insult in most cultures. :) It would tell them you're not worthy of the gift therefore their judgement is in questions and it would make a judgement about their feelings of gratefulness and what they can afford.

 

I think accepting gifts graciously is something we've lost these days.

 

Be thankful you've got such wonderful neighbours and make an effort to get to know them better if you haven't already. :)

[WishboneDawn]

Many, many thanks all! Your answers have helped me a lot. I'll keep the gift, write a thank you note and take it over with some fancy chocolates.

 

Or is there a Korean goody that they would like better than chocolates?

 

I've wondered about interactions in the past. He'll wave and say hello, but his wife NEVER looks our way nor says anything. She'll be standing 5 feet from me in the front yard watering her patch of lawn by the mailbox and never acknowledge my hello. Maybe she doesn't speak English or I don't talk loud enough. I thought she was deaf but I see and hear them converse together. Their college aged son speaks English very well, but he's not home that often.

 

This might be too big a leap but if you want to connect with them more and they're stuck in a hotel what about inviting them over for a home cooked meal?

[tagglelim]

Many, many thanks all! Your answers have helped me a lot. I'll keep the gift, write a thank you note and take it over with some fancy chocolates.

 

Or is there a Korean goody that they would like better than chocolates?

 

I've wondered about interactions in the past. He'll wave and say hello, but his wife NEVER looks our way nor says anything. She'll be standing 5 feet from me in the front yard watering her patch of lawn by the mailbox and never acknowledge my hello. Maybe she doesn't speak English or I don't talk loud enough. I thought she was deaf but I see and hear them converse together. Their college aged son speaks English very well, but he's not home that often.

 

Maybe just shy? I wouldn't try to get them a Korean treat since they'd know betterwhat they'd want but all the Korean people I know looooove fruit. I think they'd love to try anything you would like to share. Maybe now the ice is broken, she will wave back. :)

 

She might not speak English! My husband's aunt lived with his parents and any time we visited, she wouldn't be able to say a word to me. We've eventually learned a sort of sign language, but it was silence for a long time. Someone walking into the room would think we were both being extraordinarily rude to each other. Now, she'll simply speak to me in Korean and I to her in English. We then both nod our heads "yes", hoping that we aren't making fun of each other!! :lol:

 

Koreans totally LOVE fruit!!! Korean Pears - oh man, my in-laws go nuts! Family visiting from Korea will pack Korean Pears instead of clothes! If you happen to have an asian market nearby, it might not be a bad idea to pick up some pears. They are pricey for a fruit and definitely a treat. I bet your neighbors would be floored. :D

[Ellesmere]

I agree with the fruit idea, especially if you can get to an Asian market. It would probably go over better than chocolate. :)

[KrissiK]

When I taught school in Sao Paulo, Brazil I had many Korean students (I heard that Brazil has the largest population of Koreans outside of Korea, I'm not sure if this is true, but our school had a lot of Korean students) and I was suprised at the wonderful gifts they gave me as their teacher. They, too, were expensive gifts.

[sgo95]

I'm Asian but not Korean. My parents always brought gifts whenever they visited someone's house (especially fancy fruit--yes, they love asian pears, also called apple pears sometimes).

 

In Chinese, Japanese, and Korean cultures, there is a strong emphasis on "face". Hard to explain , but found this quote online:

 

The Asian concept of face is similar to the Western concept of face, but it is far more important in most Asian countries. Face is associated with honor, dignity, and a deep sense of pride. Causing someone to lose face, even if the offense was unintentional, could cause serious damage to a relationship.

The collective nature of most Asian societies means that the loss of face affects not only the individual but also his or her family, village, or even country. If one member of a group loses face, the whole group loses face. The notion of face is also present in national sporting events, where losing a game or event can be considered shameful. Chinese athletes have been known to apologize to the Chinese people for not winning a particular game, as this is perceived as damaging not only to the athlete's or team's sense of face, but to the national sense of face.

 

In fact, there is a phenomenon of committing suicide if you've really "lost face" (CEO's of failing companies, people in heavy debt, sometimes even trivial things, sadly).

 

From your neighbors' point of view, they probably felt indebted to you for helping them and feel better being able to give you a nice gift (otherwise, they owe you, see?). Not to put anyone's motives down, but an expensive gift can also be an intentional sign of their financial/social status. I don''t think it's necessary to give them an additional gift; the thank you note would probably be enough. They may feel that they've balanced the scale of responsibility and if you give them something else, they'll be at a disadvantage again. Maybe save the chocolates for Christmas, not right now. Perhaps in the thank you note you could list your phone number and let them know you would be happy to look out for their house while they're in a hotel?

 

In terms of the neighbor's wife, I agree with PP's that she may not feel confident in her English. My parents have been in the US for 30+ years and my dad's English is still heavily accented and awkward sometimes. Obviously, the other explanation is that she just isn't that friendly. We all know crabby people...

 

HTH!

Edited June 28, 2011 by sgo95
punctuation

[eternalknot]

I'm Asian but not Korean. My parents always brought gifts whenever they visited someone's house (especially fancy fruit--yes, they love asian pears, also called apple pears sometimes).

 

In Chinese, Japanese, and Korean cultures, there is a strong emphasis on "face". Hard to explain , but found this quote online:

 

 

 

In fact, there is a phenomenon of committing suicide if you've really "lost face" (CEO's of failing companies, people in heavy debt, sometimes even trivial things, sadly).

 

From your neighbors' point of view, they probably felt indebted to you for helping them and feel better being able to give you a nice gift (otherwise, they owe you, see?). Not to put anyone's motives down, but an expensive gift can also be an intentional sign of their financial/social status. I don''t think it's necessary to give them an additional gift; the thank you note would probably be enough. They may feel that they've balanced the scale of responsibility and if you give them something else, they'll be at a disadvantage again. Maybe save the chocolates for Christmas, not right now. Perhaps in the thank you note you could list your phone number and let them know you would be happy to look out for their house while they're in a hotel?

 

In terms of the neighbor's wife, I agree with PP's that she may not feel confident in her English. My parents have been in the US for 30+ years and my dad's English is still heavily accented and awkward sometimes. Obviously, the other explanation is that she just isn't that friendly. We all know crabby people...

 

HTH!

 

:iagree: Excellent post.

 

I'm also a non-Korean Asian, and think that if you give back a gift you're going to be starting this crazy 'war' of gift-giving that's going to get exhaustive and expensive LOL. Asians are weird about gifts. There are important subleties that never cross the minds of non-Asians, and it can get hairy for everyone if you don't know the steps to this particular dance.

 

I really like the idea of leaving your phone number and letting them know you're happy to continue looking out for them.

 

You sound like a great neighbor, OP :)

[stripe]

I laughed when I read the last two posts because of course you guys are so right!

 

I think the neighbors think you saved their house and that is a huge thing for them. But you don't need to reciprocate and send a thank you present for a thank you present.

[MelanieM]

I think that would be an insult in most cultures. :) It would tell them you're not worthy of the gift therefore their judgement is in questions and it would make a judgement about their feelings of gratefulness and what they can afford.

 

I think accepting gifts graciously is something we've lost these days.

 

Be thankful you've got such wonderful neighbours and make an effort to get to know them better if you haven't already. :)

 

This. I'm not Korean, and I would be quite exasperated if someone tried to return a thank you gift I had given them. It would make everything very awkward for, IMO, no good reason. Gift-giving is a two way street... people really need to be gracious givers *and* gracious receivers.

[chubbyhugs]

Thank you sooooo much for all your replies. I'm definitely going to include my telephone number in the thank you note. And for Christmas, since it's traditional giftgiving season in the United States, I'll give them asian pears.

 

The post from sgo95 really resonated with me; it has helped me better understand the "why" of dynamics in oriental culture. My brother-in-law worked in South Korea some time ago and was exasperated with them. I knew I did NOT want to ask his opinion or for his suggestions.

 

You people are the greatest!