Merry Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 The way the thread was worded bothered me a lot because I myself am a mother in law to two wonderful daughters. I hate being lumped with other mil's who get on their dil's nerves. Several posters in that thread said that they needed to vent here and that it didn't matter because their mil's would not read their posts. I see that the op was trying to solve her problem by talking about it and I understand that but could the op and other posters try to write their threads or posts as if the general public might read them? And vent with more tact if that's possible? Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delaney Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I guess you should be glad your DH even has a mom. Mine lost his mom when he was 13 years old and left him raising his 2 brothers while his dad fell apart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I had nothing to contribute to that thread. My MIL is a jewel, always has been. Ironically, I had nothing to contribute to that thread either, and my MIL is a pill. But so am I frequently... :D However, people process and learn all different ways, so there could be some good stuff going on in that thread for some folks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I love my mother in law too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 The way the thread was worded bothered me a lot because I myself am a mother in law to two wonderful daughters. FWIW, I absolutely adore my MIL. I do not have a single vent about her. So, not everyone is in that position. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retired Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 well I posted on the thread cause my mil continues after 20 years to treat me and my kids differently than my SIL kids. I treat her like my own mother and still know that I will never be like her daughter. And I truly hope that both of my future dil will let me love them but after reading this board I realize that some women don't want another mother in their mil and yeah thats going to be hard one for me cause I am a nurturer. I even try to mother strangers:001_smile: I didn't realize I did that but my friend, dh, and kids say I just want to help everybody. Mmm I guess its good I am a nurse it fits my personality:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Dulcimeramy Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I have had some horrible times with my MIL. She drove me to a real, full-blown panic attack when my oldest son was a baby, and I am not prone to hysterics. Still, after 16 years, I give her infinite credit for finally realizing that she and I do not and cannot understand each other. Her answer to that was beyond my wildest dreams: She sensitively backed off and quit trying to shame me into interpreting her thoughts. (Which I'd found impossible.) She faithfully sends birthday cards to all of us, listens politely when preschoolers lisp at her over the phone for half an hour, and decided to re-marry and build her own life instead of trying to raise her daughter-in-law from a distance. These concessions on her part have made it possible for me to forgive the past and encourage my DH to call her often, fly out to see her, etc. I also send photos to her and make sure the boys write now and then. And when she brought her intended to meet us, I was on my absolute best behavior. (It helped that we really like him.) Anyway. As the mother of four boys, I hope and pray I'll be a good MIL. I would rather gain four daughters than lose four sons. Not a fan of the MIL bashing, at all. How does it help anything? How does 'venting' help? I don't get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmgirlinwv Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I don't have a problem w/ people "venting". Everyone needs to let off a little steam sometimes. Obviously, any group of people could have complaints against them by others....DIL, SIL, DC, doctors, dentists, plumbers, ect. I don't understand why some people take it personally when it has nothing to do w/ them. If DH's want to vent about their DW's, it doesn't bother me. It's not about me. If you find yourself to be sensitive, don't read those threads. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merry gardens Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I hope to become a MIL one day too. :D People often forget when they complain about theirs. Do unto others, and all that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Venting helps b/c it lets off pressure. It also helps to know that others deal with challenges that they never planned for, anticipated, nor wanted. I firmly believe that my MIL isn't mentally well. And dealing with her is exhausting and painful and isolating. Our relationship isn't how I imagined it would be. Its not what I want it to be. At the same time, I've had to recognize that its not going to change, and the only thing I can do is batten down the hatches as best I can and try and prevent or heal any damage that is done. Frankly, I envy those of you who have a positive relationship with your inlaws. I wish with everything I am that it was possible for us. For my husband's sake, my children, my MIL, and myself. Feeling like I constantly have to be on my guard from attacks on my marriage, family, husband is wearing. Not at all how I pictured my married life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merry Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 from what I heard, my dh's mother was a wonderful and loving mom so I wish I had gotten to know her. I guess I'll stay out of the mil's threads from now on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emeraldjoy Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I think venting is okay and as Impish just mentioned, it lets off steam that may otherwise be let off in an even more damaging ways. My problem with the original thread was the wording in the title. It kept me out of it for a long time even. When I finally entered I was surprised to find what I did. I felt like the title was far too minimizing and cliche, if that makes sense. It almost seemed like an invite to come inside and bash MIL's (which is sort of a popular thing to do) which is far differerent that venting, in my opinion. However, again in my opinion, the actual post went down a different path than I had expected from the title. e Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I think it's fine for people to vent in that thread. If you have a great MIL, then that's great. In no way do I assume that there are no great MILs. I think the thread is helpful because: 1) we do need to vent, and it is helpful to us personally. Like I said in that thread, I can't say much to my dh about it. It's his mom. He knows some of her issues, but I don't want to bring up every single thing she does that drives me crazy. 2) that thread can be a very effective warning (not sure if that's the right word) for all future MILs here (myself included), on how not to drive your DIL or SIL crazy. 3) to those who say, just be glad you have one, or, she died x-years ago, or, etc... I'm not living just in the moment...I do think ahead, to what may happen in the future, what will things look like then, will she still be alive x-years from now, how will she behave, what if things go downhill with her health, how will we feel when she's gone, what regrets we may have, etc... I do temper the situation in my mind with what the future may hold for our relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aquinas Academy Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I adore my MIL. :) She really is like a second mother to me. We have a few communication issues since she doesn't speak any English and my French is less than perfect, but we get along very well neverthless. Now if you asked me why my FIL gets on my nerves I could give you a massive list of reasons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glennis_b Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 No comment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilymax Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I think it's fine for people to vent in that thread. If you have a great MIL, then that's great. In no way do I assume that there are no great MILs. I think the thread is helpful because: 1) we do need to vent, and it is helpful to us personally. Like I said in that thread, I can't say much to my dh about it. It's his mom. He knows some of her issues, but I don't want to bring up every single thing she does that drives me crazy. 2) that thread can be a very effective warning (not sure if that's the right word) for all future MILs here (myself included), on how not to drive your DIL or SIL crazy. 3) to those who say, just be glad you have one, or, she died x-years ago, or, etc... I'm not living just in the moment...I do think ahead, to what may happen in the future, what will things look like then, will she still be alive x-years from now, how will she behave, what if things go downhill with her health, how will we feel when she's gone, what regrets we may have, etc... I do temper the situation in my mind with what the future may hold for our relationship. :iagree:...especially with #2. As a mom of 3 boys, I am fully aware that one day I'll be the MIL dependent upon my DILs' acceptance of me to be involved in my sons' and grandchildren's lives. And I really hope I don't screw it up! My in-laws and my own relatives have taught me quite a lot about the things NOT to do. I've vented about them in the past...there's really no need to rehash it as I've come to my own acceptance about things. As so many said on the other thread, at some point you have to accept the fact that some people aren't going to love you no matter what you do. Hey, nobody's perfect. I am sure that no matter how considerate I try to be, my daughters-in-law are going to have something to complain about behind my back. So the fact that someone needs to vent about her MIL isn't any reason to feel offended. I, too, am envious of those who have great in-law relationships. I hope to enjoy that, too, one day. And it'll be just fine as long as my boys marry the girls I've already chosen for them. :lol: (Hey, I can hope...right? LOL) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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