s/o MIL thread: what is your reaction to this statement

[Impish]

A note on religion:

 

MIL is fanatically Seventh Day Adventist. Its caused a LOT of issues. She's stated that she's a failure as a mother b/c Wolf isn't a pastor in her church. She's arranged, without our knowledge, to have ppl show up to take us to church. She even went so far to arrange for a dedication of our children without our knowledge (didn't happen, we refused to go). She's even left pamphlets behind after having dinner here about how I'm sending my family to Hell b/c I feed them meat.

 

Frankly, I think it boils down to respect again. No, adult children may not follow the family of origin's religous beliefs...but trying to force it upon them will lead to big problems.

 

We are Christian, but that's not good enough for her. Its a constant issue. Its to the point where we won't even attend church w/her when she's in town. We would, just to be nice, but it wouldn't end there (see her attempt to have our children dedicated without our permission).

[Murphy101]

This caught my attention, b/c it was quickly followed by a post about a son who changed religions, and so his parents choose to have no relationship with him. What does it mean to expect that they will remain Catholic? Does it mean you will be disappointed if they don't, does it mean you will try to persuade them at first but will interact with them no matter what, or does it mean you will cut off ties? Other?

 

Of course I would be disappointed and I would try to discuss whatever their issues might be with staying in the faith.

Would I cut ties? Highly unlikely if for no other reason than I don't see how that would help bring them closer to the faith.

If I did cut ties, it would be less about them not staying in the faith and more about what they ARE doing. (destructive living type things come to mind, especially if it would affect their younger siblings or if I felt not cutting ties was enabling)

 

Oh, dear, please do try! I think this and the daycare post are classic examples of what causes ongoing strife and a lack of closeness (if the in-laws give their opinion). These decisions absolutely belong to the parents, and no one else.

 

A good counter-example would be in-laws who have very strong feelings about public school, and have a very rough time keeping their mouths shut and not telling you why should send your kids. Don't they sound like fun? :tongue_smilie:

 

I think I would say something, but in a supportive way if at all possible. If they wanted/needed to put the kids in daycare or PS I'd probably offer to watch them myself. If they feel they need to work and thus they need a sitter or to send to school, there is no point in my saying something unless it is to be part of the solution. Of course, they could turn me down. :( In which case, I'd just have to suck it up buttercup and bite my tongue.

 

I hope that discussing life and such is not in and of itself an over bearing MIL. If so, I'm up creek.

I hope to have a relationship where we can talk about anything and be honest without every discussion being analyzed for barbs and judgement.

[katilac]

I hope that discussing life and such is not in and of itself an over bearing MIL. If so, I'm up creek.

I hope to have a relationship where we can talk about anything and be honest without every discussion being analyzed for barbs and judgement.

 

Timing is sometimes everything. Say the couple has been married for several years before having children of their own - they undoubtedly already know the m-i-l's position on breastfeeding, if they are that strongly held. In that case, I do think it is overbearing to bring it up for discussion when the younger couple makes it known that they are going to use formula. They know the m-i-l's position, and chose to go a different route.

 

As far as daycare, I think it's fine to gently offer your services, as long as you are prepared to quickly accept "no, thanks" as the answer. Some couples may think that daycare is truly the best option for their family, while others may simply think it is a better option than having m-i-l watch the kids :tongue_smilie:

[clarkacademy]

Had a nice chat with my 14 dd. She told me that her kids will get new jammies every Christmas Eve like we have, they will make turkey hands on Thanksgiving like we have, she will breastfeed like we have. Seems there are some changes she will make though, her kids can have one piercing besides their ears lol. I am highly against pierecings and she knows this. She also will not homeschool but it is possible that she will decide that I will hs her children and like our family gramma will be there when the babies are born whether her husband wants it or not lol.

 

She seems very determined on how things will be in her adult life. It was a fun chat but I don't think I am going to worry about these things just yet.

[amy g.]

I have not read the other responses, but I DO agree with that statement. On my wedding day, my MIL told Dh "This is your family now." She has never wavered in her position that he can honor her by being a good husband and father.

 

She let my husband go, and that has been a huge blessing to me.

 

I only have one son, but I want him to make his future wife happy-not me.

 

I will advise him to spend holidays with her family if that is what she wants, to raise his children according to her beliefs-not mine, and to honor me by having a happy and lasting marriage.

 

I've had my husband's undivided devotion for almost 19 years now. My future DIL deserves the same.

 

On the other hand, I intend to do everything in my power to be a MAGNET to my son and his wife, to make them desire spending time here because of the love and respect they receive.

 

Time will tell if i am successful.

[KristinaBreece]

I have not read the other responses, but I DO agree with that statement. On my wedding day, my MIL told Dh "This is your family now." She has never wavered in her position that he can honor her by being a good husband and father.

 

She let my husband go, and that has been a huge blessing to me.

 

I only have one son, but I want him to make his future wife happy-not me.

 

I will advise him to spend holidays with her family if that is what she wants, to raise his children according to her beliefs-not mine, and to honor me by having a happy and lasting marriage.

 

I've had my husband's undivided devotion for almost 19 years now. My future DIL deserves the same.

 

On the other hand, I intend to do everything in my power to be a MAGNET to my son and his wife, to make them desire spending time here because of the love and respect they receive.

 

Time will tell if i am successful.

 

Beautiful.

[meggie]

I definitely didn't read any snark in your words, and I do believe that it's a question sparked from genuine curiosity :).

 

I don't mean expect in either of those ways -- it's not an issue of doubt (or security) nor will it become an issue of force (or allowance). I expect this of my kids much the same way that I expect them to .... say, wash their hands after using the toilet. Or to leave their shoes by the door. I fully expect that they will continue many of our family's traditions in this same manner ... it's just what I expect them to do! Will they necessarily do it? No, not necessarily. That doesn't change my expectation of them, though. If my son wears his shoes inside because "real quickly" he needs to run in and grab something from the table and he's too lazy to remove his shoes, he has not fulfilled my expectation ... but my expectations don't and haven't changed. I still expect him to remove his shoes before coming into the house. I don't nag, I don't manipulate, ... but I do re-state the expectation and I don't hide my disappointment. Once I've said my piece, it's done with until the next offense - at which point we do the dance all over again.

 

This is how I assume we'll continue to treat these things, even as the issues become larger and perhaps more emotionally-charged. It's how things work currently within my larger, extended family. I have a good model from which to follow.

 

I don't know that this makes it any clearer LOL. Sometimes my expectations leave me disappointed; sometimes they don't. Either way, they are what they are ... and they are no secret to anyone. What's important to me is my family. I'm not going to sacrifice my kids on the altar of our traditions. That said, I'm also not going to hide or deny my expectation that these kids have a duty to the family that sometimes supercedes their own individual desires. It's not popular 'round these parts, but it's how we do it. I don't expect 100% compliance, but I do expect some. On the big issues, and with the big traditions.

 

If my kids chose to not follow any of our traditions, I'd respect the distance they were putting between us. To not follow any tradition would sting like the slap in the face it's intended to be; to me that's very different from marrying together a variety of traditions brought to the relationship by each of the couple. I'd probably go all Joy Luck Club mom if that were to happen; unapologetically. That's a different thing entirely, though, IMO.

 

Ok, that makes more sense to me. I guess I was thinking more of traditions that don't really matter, like mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving. :001_huh: I thought one could have Thanksgiving without mashed potatoes, but according to my husband, you can't. So he got to make them. That kind of thing doesn't matter to me in the least, so if my kids don't take that tradition with them I really won't care.

 

But yes, I do expect my sons to go on missions and all my children to marry in the temple, etc. Should they choose not to, I won't cut them off. I won't love them any less.

 

I think some people on the thread were having different definitions of traditions and expectations. I know for myself, I interpreted it as, "You need to do what I tell you and if you don't, you and your spouse will never hear the end of it." That's the kind of thing I wouldn't do.

[meggie]

I have not read the other responses, but I DO agree with that statement. On my wedding day, my MIL told Dh "This is your family now." She has never wavered in her position that he can honor her by being a good husband and father.

 

She let my husband go, and that has been a huge blessing to me.

 

I only have one son, but I want him to make his future wife happy-not me.

 

I will advise him to spend holidays with her family if that is what she wants, to raise his children according to her beliefs-not mine, and to honor me by having a happy and lasting marriage.

 

I've had my husband's undivided devotion for almost 19 years now. My future DIL deserves the same.

 

On the other hand, I intend to do everything in my power to be a MAGNET to my son and his wife, to make them desire spending time here because of the love and respect they receive.

 

Time will tell if i am successful.

:iagree:

[TeenagerMom]

I DO expect my children to carry on some of our traditions, even if they are blended with another family's traditions.

 

I view marriage not as the forming of a completely new family, but as a blending of 2 families into one.

 

In the very frew MIL-from-Hell conversations I have ever had IRL, it is usually a case of an unbending DIL who wants everything HER way without recognition of the fact that her DH had parents who loved him before their marriage.

 

My mother is a VERY good MIL. She loves her DILs like they are her own children & treats them with the same respect that she treats us.

 

Still, I have seen my mother be repetitively hurt by exclusion. Not being called until an hour AFTER a Grandchild is born when DIL's entire family was IN the room for the birth and not being included in various other events in her children's & Grandchildren's lives. And throughout all of it, has never raised an ounce of complaint.

 

I will teach my daughter to be a good DIL. To respect her MIL as she DID raise her husband to be the man he is. To realize that she should treat & include her MIL as she does me, because in regards to the familial relationship, we are equals. Both sets of parents should have equal respect & opportunities for participation in their life.

 

I will teach my son to be a good SIL also. To realize that when there is a problem, his wife is going to likely want to seek the wisdom of her Mother and that I will gladly, if asked, give my insight too.

 

I realize that there ARE toxic In laws out there. I have a friend who has a doozy despite all of my friend's efforts to love the woman, but I honestly never heard the majority of the MIL from Hell stories until I joined a few different message boards.

[Impish]

I think the assumption being made is that both ppl come from healthy families of origin...and that's simply not the case with everyone.

 

My husband and I completely became a 3rd family. We're independant of our families of origin. We follow none of the religious dictates, raise our children completely differently, and our marriage is vastly different. We've conciously rejected about 90% of what and how we were raised.

 

We make decisions based on the health and welfare of the family under our roof. That's our baseline, our normal...we've no other choice.

 

I'm sure my MIL complains about me...actually, I know, b/c I've heard from various family members. She can't control me or run me, and it upsets her mightily. She was under the mistaken fantasy that I would side with her and control Wolf to do our bidding. *snort*

[AuntieM]

Instead of an outright answer, I have to stop and think about how many of my (own nuclear family) traditions were carried over from my own family. About how many were passed down from my husband's. Then, how many did we decide to initiate ourselves.

 

Sure gives pause to my initial knee jerk reaction to your question.

 

I think I will be honored if the kids choose to continue things in the way we've done them at home. But I pray for grace on my part as they exercisel the freedom to run their own (nuclear) families in the ways they think best.