Responsibilities and Privileges for 12 year old

[bookfiend]

Every year on their birthday our boys receive a new set of privileges and corresponding responsibilities. This year we are stuck for DS turning 12. He is really wonderful, kind, and obedient. So the difficulty is that he is too young for the "big" privileges.

 

We were thinking of making this a year of transition. Not adding anything new, but asking him to become more proactive in seeking out and initiating areas of service. Also wanting to stop even the occasional reminder to move forward with chores and current resp., essentially showing a higher level of maturity before awarding the designation "young man." Does this seem appropriate for 12?

 

BTW, we ask for their input every year, and DS couldn't think of anything new either.

[eternalknot]

What an interesting idea ~ would you mind sharing some of your prior sets of privileges and responsibilities?

 

My eldest is only 10, but I live with my 12 and 14 year old nephews. I think it's very appropriate for a 12 year old to begin assuming responsibility for "things that I see need to be done" versus "things I'm asked to do." I expect this of my 10 year old, and he does a pretty good job of it -- seeing trash needs to be taken out, and doing it rather than waiting to be asked to (for example). This would be a great year for your son to begin asking himself: "What can I do for the house?" as opposed to the more immature, younger question of a child: "What will the house do for me?" House being family, responsibilities, etc., and not the literal house LOL.

[Sophia]

What is he doing now?

[bookfiend]

These were the general categories. There were several little privileges that each boy wanted that would be included along the way which I'm not mentioning here.

 

Age Five - Money

Receive an allowance and learn to spend/save/tithe in categories. Allowed to shop with discretionary funds and choose independently.

 

Age Six - Real Tools

Received real "man" toolbox and one tool. We add a new tool each year at Christmas. Responsible for working around the house, training in home chores

 

Age Seven - "work to show yourself approved"

Continuing responsibility for increased chores, sole responsiblity for care of family dog. Allowed to join older boys in Contenders group. Working toward earning "big boy."

 

Age Eight - topic is personal hygine

Responsible for all shower/hair/nails. Clothes properly cared for and laundry. Privileges didn't really correspond and were tailored to each boy.

 

Age Nine - Formal Ettiquite, refined table manners, letter writing, introductions, phone usage. Privilege invite friends to lunch/dinner. Learn to cook simple meals. Learn to type, have a penpal.

 

Ten – He who is faithful with little will be given much

Expand existing responsibilities

Increase Bible reading to 30 minutes per morning with expanded journaling

Doubled Allowance to $5.00/per week – begin to learn about investing. Purchase stock with parents matching.

Begin Guitar lessons. (had faithfully practiced w/out complaining piano for 3 years)

Begin mowing lawn.

 

Eleven - Finances

This didn't take off. We wanted him to start an independent business. So thanks for having me look back at my files. I see that for 12 I also had as an idea finance, open a checking account, begin working on the household budget. This would be OK, but just isn't sitting right.

Edited May 3, 2011 by bookfiend
clarification

[bookfiend]

What is he doing now?

 

He has the standard household chores which he rotates with the younger DS, laundry, bathrooms, vacumn, dust. He is responsible with his money. He self schedules his week's assignments for school. He reads his Bible and journals daily.

 

This is a really tough transitional age. He isn't old enough to go out and really do something independent. I don't like making up "phony work." If we lived on a farm, this would be the perfect age to - go build a chicken coop or some such. What can a suburb boy do?

[Sasharowan]

Maybe find a volunteer service he could help with. Make some bird houses to sell. Train a guide dog. Foster homeless animals. Walk dogs at the pound.

[Sophia]

T

 

Eleven - Finances

This didn't take off. We wanted him to start an independent business. So thanks for having me look back at my files. I see that for 12 I also had as an idea finance, open a checking account, begin working on the household budget. I think we may move in that direction and add in a new layer of cooking - dinners!

[/size]

 

That is one awesome list!

And thanks for reminding me about Contenders. I need to look into that for my little guys.

I bolded dinners because I was going to suggest you put that in place if you hadn't already. It is one of my regrets that I did not place a priority on teaching my oldest to cook, and now not only is he an absolute caveman in the kitchen~he doesn't have that desire that I know he would have had at a younger age had I insisted he make weekly meals. (All is not lost~learning to cook is on his summer list of projects ;).)

 

I know...I often sighed and wished we lived on a farm when ds was that age. I was able to get him outside for yardwork regularly~can you assign clearing the driveway and sidewalks? We have leaves year round so this is a regular job for us. We held off on cleaning gutters until high school...

 

The only other thing I can think of is make sure he shadows your dh on home repairs. My oldest knows more about our water pipes, breakers, etc. than I do because dh made sure to involve him when he was about that age if not before.

 

You are doing a great job!

[Cera]

What about something involving taking responsibility for his health. I think nutrition and physical fitness are important for older kids/young teens.

 

He could run, swim or bike on a regular basis to develop stamina. He could also study nutrition guidelines and prepare one meal a week.

[Haiku]

Does this seem appropriate for 12?

 

 

 

If he is really the wonderful child you say he is, telling me he needs to do better before he's considered a "young man" sounds kind-of ... I don't know ... deflating. "Son, you're doing so well we but we can't think of a way to reward you, so instead we're just telling you to do better."

 

Honestly, if he needs only occasional reminders to take care of his chores and responsibilities, THAT is appropriate for twelve, and I wouldn't pressure him to be better than the already wonderful child you say he is.

 

Were it me, I would make it more of a "As situations arise, we will consider them in light of your recent behavior and responsibility. If you continue to behave as well as you have been behaving, we will be more likely to extend privileges as the occasions arise" thing. Maturity doesn't just happen in one-year leaps; it's constantly evolving (and devolving).

 

Tara

[LibraryLover]

:tongue_smilie:Oh wow. I cannot even imagine trying to do this. My oldest is 22. When does it end? :auto: Color me lame. I wish I could think of something for you! :)

[dhudson]

How about taking care of others. We had my ds take first aid and CPR classes. I also had him working on making a complete meal for the family and doing his own laundry from the beginning to the end.

[HSDCY]

To the OP: I really like your list. As my ds is approaching 12, that gives me a lot to think about.

 

One thing that I can think of, and will be sitting down with ds to do, is to list some good habits that will benefit him (healthy food choice, managing personal space, daily Bible reading, etc.) that he can work on this year. He is also to list some bad habits that he needs to work on this year (for example, eating too quickly, not brushing his teeth thoroughly). I want him to know what he chooses to do will affect him in the future because little things do turn into habits.

[bookfiend]

If he is really the wonderful child you say he is, telling me he needs to do better before he's considered a "young man" sounds kind-of ... I don't know ... deflating. "Son, you're doing so well we but we can't think of a way to reward you, so instead we're just telling you to do better."

 

Honestly, if he needs only occasional reminders to take care of his chores and responsibilities, THAT is appropriate for twelve, and I wouldn't pressure him to be better than the already wonderful child you say he is.

 

Were it me, I would make it more of a "As situations arise, we will consider them in light of your recent behavior and responsibility. If you continue to behave as well as you have been behaving, we will be more likely to extend privileges as the occasions arise" thing. Maturity doesn't just happen in one-year leaps; it's constantly evolving (and devolving).

 

Tara

 

I understand your point. Our guys seem to like the structure and formality of having a previously coveted privilege "awarded" on their birthday and receiving more responsibility. Of course, for the majority of life the whole maturity process is alot more fluid. They are growing; we are responding. We just like marking milestones.

 

So you hit upon the correlating struggle which is when are we going to proclaim him a "young man"? So far the designations have been, little boy, big boy, next is young man, then grown! It started when he was tiny and people would make the natural remark - "aren't you a big boy?" I would think - no, he's not - he's a little boy; stop rushing us! So, I said - I will let you know when you are a big boy, this is a privilege that you earn.

 

I guess I'm grappling with trying to find something this year that will be a challenge to him. Something he can accomplish and really feel that he is crossing over into early manhood. Lest I paint a paragon of boyhood, he is still emotionally young, eleven has been a clingy year which many here reassured me is normal. Most of the markers of physical adolescence are missing. I would say he is on the cusp, and we will most likely see many of those changes this year.

 

Please continue with any advice. I really appreciate the suggestions. They are opening avenues of discussion for DH and I.

[Parrothead]

 

• Build a dog house
  
• Build a tree house
  
• Start a mowing and/or snow shoveling business
  
• Start a dog walking business
  
• Cat sit - I'm able to leave my cats home for a few days without anyone being here. It would be nice if there was someone close by who would let them out of the house in the morning, let them back in in the evening and, if I'm gone longer than a couple days, change the litter.
  

 

[bookfiend]

No TV or video games here, so most play is outside. Believe me fitness is not an issue! If only, I could jump on the trampoline for hours at a time...

[fairfarmhand]

why not make him responsible for the car care...washing waxing, cleaning, checking the oil and tire pressure? he can also learn to gas it up for you so that you just hand him the card and sit in the car while he gasses it for you.

Edited May 3, 2011 by fairfarmhand

[elise1mds]

I like the First Aid/CPR/babysitting class idea myself. At the age of 12, he could begin to babysit for short periods during the day if that was something he was interested in. Tutoring or petsitting/house-sitting might also be good ideas.

[laughing lioness]

What can a suburb boy do?

 

Raise bees, guinnea pigs, rabbits, grow and sell herbs, starter plants.

 

Agree with the jogging/work out stuff. My 11 yo jogs 1-2 miles with my dh several times a week, does calisthenics.

[bookfiend]

Gently let me say that things change after puberty to the point that tramp and tag aren't enough. A mile and a half run prepuberty changes to 10 miles, the weight room becomes very interesting, BMI is measured and the cycling distance increases tremendously. A lifetime type of sport is selected and expertise is developed. A young man benefits from learning more about fitness at this point and taking the responsibility to measure and maintain his fitness.

 

Raise bees, guinnea pigs, rabbits, grow and sell herbs, starter plants.

 

Agree with the jogging/work out stuff. My 11 yo jogs 1-2 miles with my dh several times a week, does calisthenics.

 

You don't have to be gentle, you can just be blunt! :D In fact, most times that works better~!I'm so grateful for the time you spend to give advice and try to listen to those wise ones who have already walked the road. Thanks for making me understand that the fitness thing is going to get SERIOUS. We do have a weight bench and such in the garage for my husband. I was concerned about young bones and have read that weights are not good for young adolescents? Guess this needs more research.

 

This totally explains why in the middle of flipping to summer closets and trying on clothes he started jogging in place and doing push-ups. Had never happened before.

 

Guess I need to dust off my bike, this could jump start a better fitness level for the whole family.

[alisonf3]

I love your list! My dd is 11 and we are working on grocery shopping. She is learning how to make a menu and list that will stay on budget. She is also helping with choosing produce, meat, and other products. By the time she is 12 she will be be given a budget and will plan and cook dinner once a week.

 

I agree fully that this is the age for them to begin being more proactive about seeing what needs to be done without being asked. I am also beginning to let her set her own schedule for bedtime and deciding when to get up. After a few late nights she has learned that it isn't fun to be exhausted and still have to do school and chores with a good attitude the next day.

 

Alison

DD - 11, DS -9, DS - 6