12 yo ds getting picked on at lacrosse...how would you handle it?

[MotherMayI]

My ds is a naive, sweet, immature boy whose current obsession is Pokemon. He talks about it a lot- to the point of driving even my dh and i crazy. I have tried to coach him on the art of conversation and to keep Pokemon talk to a minimum, but he started the lacrosse season with an old teammate who likes the game/show too. So he couldn't wait until practice to see his buddy and talk strategy. I knew that his "passion" would make him a target and I instructed him not to talk about it during practice- that he should be focused on lacrosse, not Pokemon.

 

Well, a couple of boys are now teasing him and calling him a freak because of his Pokemon interest. He says he is not talking about it at practice anymore, but clearly he did enough in the past to get on these boys radar. I am at a loss. Part of me loves that my boy is still able to immerse himself into fantasy and be a kid, but my heart hurts for him as he does not know how to defend himself in these situations. He took my advice and tried to joke it off yesterday, and one of the kids told him he was ret@&ded...my ds then told him that his mom told him to make a joke of it (in so many words) and called him an a$@hole. (he felt that the kid was calling me a name since it was my advice he was using-does that make sense?). The coach heard him and made him run.

 

This is getting long and I am rambling...I can't sleep (It's 5:00 am here...I usually wake after 7:00) long story short, I called the coach and filled him in on the whole story. I know my boy should not have called the kid a name- I explained what led up to it, and the coach said he would keep an eye on things and make a general announcement about respecting each other and supporting each other as teammates. That he won't tolerate people picking on other people...

 

Would you let your boy deal with it and stay out of it or would you take a different approach? My ds clearly needs more "friend" time where he can appropriately share his interests outside of lacrosse-I get that. My heart just hurts for him. Even his younger brothers can be really mean to him, and he has a hard time defending himself.

 

If you got this far, thank you for reading.

[Impish]

I'd let the coach have a chance at dealing with it.

[HerdingCats]

I think it's a difficult thing, but letting your son work this out is important. If he needs to build up some mental toughness, this is a good opportunity. I feel your pain, though. I have two boys of my own who have encountered this kind of thing from time to time and it's hard not to try and rescue them. I haven't always listened to this advice and the situation never got better. My son was left feeling a victim.

[4kids4me]

I hear you...ds went through a trying time with one of his hockey teammate for different reasons. I asked dh what to do. We emailed one of the coaches but bottom line ds needs to work it out himself. If he were at school he'd be in the thick of this and learn the skills much faster...we saw it as a way for him to put to use what we've been teaching him (to stand up for himself...he's not a doormat, etc). We even coached him that it might end in a tussle and to be prepared for that (it didn't).

 

I hope you're able to help your ds stand up for himself...it's HARD when doesn't want to see their kid hurt! :grouphug:

[Free]

My ds is a naive, sweet, immature boy whose current obsession is Pokemon. He talks about it a lot- to the point of driving even my dh and i crazy. I have tried to coach him on the art of conversation and to keep Pokemon talk to a minimum, but he started the lacrosse season with an old teammate who likes the game/show too. So he couldn't wait until practice to see his buddy and talk strategy. I knew that his "passion" would make him a target and I instructed him not to talk about it during practice- that he should be focused on lacrosse, not Pokemon.

 

Well, a couple of boys are now teasing him and calling him a freak because of his Pokemon interest. He says he is not talking about it at practice anymore, but clearly he did enough in the past to get on these boys radar. I am at a loss. Part of me loves that my boy is still able to immerse himself into fantasy and be a kid, but my heart hurts for him as he does not know how to defend himself in these situations. He took my advice and tried to joke it off yesterday, and one of the kids told him he was ret@&ded...my ds then told him that his mom told him to make a joke of it (in so many words) and called him an a$@hole. (he felt that the kid was calling me a name since it was my advice he was using-does that make sense?). The coach heard him and made him run.

 

This is getting long and I am rambling...I can't sleep (It's 5:00 am here...I usually wake after 7:00) long story short, I called the coach and filled him in on the whole story. I know my boy should not have called the kid a name- I explained what led up to it, and the coach said he would keep an eye on things and make a general announcement about respecting each other and supporting each other as teammates. That he won't tolerate people picking on other people...

 

Would you let your boy deal with it and stay out of it or would you take a different approach? My ds clearly needs more "friend" time where he can appropriately share his interests outside of lacrosse-I get that. My heart just hurts for him. Even his younger brothers can be really mean to him, and he has a hard time defending himself.

 

If you got this far, thank you for reading.

 

I do not know if letting your boy deal with this himself is the right thing, since he clearly does not know how right now. That said I really don't know what strategies you can teach him to deal with situations like these. I am all ears myself... I would love to know.

[MBM]

I would allow the coach to handle it for the time being; however, if something happens again, I'd call the coach and assertively say that I do not want this to happen again. Be terse and matter of fact about it, maybe even go to practice and watch. Let your presence be known for a bit.

 

IME, we've had coaches say they'd handle a situation and they didn't. That's when I would step in.

 

Does your son like any of the other kids in particular? Maybe you could arrange a time for ice cream, pizza, bike riding, whatever works so that your son can make some allies. It's always good to have allies.

[EmilyinND]

My ds is a naive, sweet, immature boy whose current obsession is Pokemon. He talks about it a lot- to the point of driving even my dh and i crazy. I have tried to coach him on the art of conversation and to keep Pokemon talk to a minimum, but he started the lacrosse season with an old teammate who likes the game/show too. So he couldn't wait until practice to see his buddy and talk strategy. I knew that his "passion" would make him a target and I instructed him not to talk about it during practice- that he should be focused on lacrosse, not Pokemon.

 

Well, a couple of boys are now teasing him and calling him a freak because of his Pokemon interest. He says he is not talking about it at practice anymore, but clearly he did enough in the past to get on these boys radar. I am at a loss. Part of me loves that my boy is still able to immerse himself into fantasy and be a kid, but my heart hurts for him as he does not know how to defend himself in these situations. He took my advice and tried to joke it off yesterday, and one of the kids told him he was ret@&ded...my ds then told him that his mom told him to make a joke of it (in so many words) and called him an a$@hole. (he felt that the kid was calling me a name since it was my advice he was using-does that make sense?). The coach heard him and made him run.

 

This is getting long and I am rambling...I can't sleep (It's 5:00 am here...I usually wake after 7:00) long story short, I called the coach and filled him in on the whole story. I know my boy should not have called the kid a name- I explained what led up to it, and the coach said he would keep an eye on things and make a general announcement about respecting each other and supporting each other as teammates. That he won't tolerate people picking on other people...

 

Would you let your boy deal with it and stay out of it or would you take a different approach? My ds clearly needs more "friend" time where he can appropriately share his interests outside of lacrosse-I get that. My heart just hurts for him. Even his younger brothers can be really mean to him, and he has a hard time defending himself.

 

If you got this far, thank you for reading.

:grouphug: I have no advice. This sounds EXACTLY like my son who is also 12 & talks constantly about Pokemon. We also have had conversations about not talking to his friends to the point of boredom about Pokemon, and also listening to his friends interests, but when it comes right down to it, he forgets & rambles on about who is on his 'team' & what such & such evolves into...my son is an Aspie, so it's not uncommon to be fixated on certain topics, but still, would like him to learn social reciprocity!

[kchara]

At your son's age, I'd let the coach and your son handle it. If he was younger, yes, I might step in, but I do think there's something to be said for letting kids figure things like this out on their own. Unless the boys' teasing becomes seriously excessive, or physical, I'd let them work it out.

[ondreeuh]

I'd find out what they are specifically saying, and do some role-playing for how he can respond. Basically he needs to not show that he's bothered - easier said than done, but it takes the challenge/fun out of it for the bullies. And they may not really be bullies, they could end up being friends with him, so I wouldn't burn any bridges.

 

(My almost-ten-year-old is a pretty big Mario fan and just started playing with stuffed Mario characters. I don't think this would go over so well with his peers, so I'm going to have to deal with this too.)

 

"Oh my gosh, you never stop talking about Pokemon!"

- "I know, I am a huge fan. What can I say?"

 

"You're a freak."

- "And proud of it."

 

"You're annoying."

- "Then why do you keep talking to me if I annoy you so much? If someone annoyed me I'd go to where I couldn't hear them. Bye."

 

"Where's Pikachu?"

- "Don't you know that's just a game?"

 

"You're a baby."

- "And you care because ....?"

[katilac]

I would try to let ds and the coach handle this specific problem. I would, for now, take the coach at his word that he doesn't tolerate picking on people and will not let it escalate.

 

I think you and dh should try and help ds with some general social coaching. I get that you're doing this already, but I would try to step up the efforts, with books and videos targeted to this issue and possibly with social skill classes, if they are available in your area. Certain things you mention make me think that this goes beyond just being talkative and a bit less mature than his teammates; in particular, having issues with his younger brothers and him telling the other boys that mom told him what to say, plus just the general degree of it. I'm thinking of the materials geared toward kids with Asperger's and such - - not saying that he has that or any dx, just that they address the issues he needs to address, in a way that often gets through to "oblivious" kids.

 

Expert advice from people who deal with this stuff all the time can really help, when our parenting common sense just doesn't do the trick. For example, it was a great idea to role play with him, but who is going to think of telling the kid not to announce that his mom told him what to say? It's obvious to most people, but not to kids who aren't socially aware. It's hard for most people to help these kids, because we just make too many assumptions about what they know, or about what's obvious!

[J-rap]

I'm not in the camp of letting him figure it out by himself, because clearly, he has not been able to. I liked someone else's idea of role-playing, throwing different comments at him and then advising him on different ways to respond. I would even coach him on how he carries himself: head up, eyes up and not on the ground, looking confident, etc. Help him to not see himself as a victim, but as someone who can reach out and help others. Help him see that when other people tease and bully, THEY have a problem. Lastly, I would help connect him with one or two other kids on the team that seem to have a gentle spirit and are kind. Invite them over for pizza and a movie, offer to pick them up and take them to practice, etc.

[katilac]

I agree with this in general, but I'd change the response to "you're annoying" and consider saying something like, "Sorry, I got carried away! No more (current obsession) talk." And either go silent or suggest throwing the ball, whatever.

 

Two reasons: one, socially unaware kids really don't need to encourage others to stay away from them; two, while it's certainly not a polite way to say it, the socially unaware kid probably was being annoying, and blunt reminders can often be helpful in the long run. It's not a kindness, imo, to NOT let a kid know he's being annoying. I'd rather see other kids flat out tell him he's being annoying, rather than politely avoiding him, kwim?

 

 

 

I'd find out what they are specifically saying, and do some role-playing for how he can respond. Basically he needs to not show that he's bothered - easier said than done, but it takes the challenge/fun out of it for the bullies. And they may not really be bullies, they could end up being friends with him, so I wouldn't burn any bridges.

 

(My almost-ten-year-old is a pretty big Mario fan and just started playing with stuffed Mario characters. I don't think this would go over so well with his peers, so I'm going to have to deal with this too.)

 

"Oh my gosh, you never stop talking about Pokemon!"

- "I know, I am a huge fan. What can I say?"

 

"You're a freak."

- "And proud of it."

 

"You're annoying."

- "Then why do you keep talking to me if I annoy you so much? If someone annoyed me I'd go to where I couldn't hear them. Bye."

 

"Where's Pikachu?"

- "Don't you know that's just a game?"

 

"You're a baby."

- "And you care because ....?"

[RanchGirl]

I'm not in the camp of letting him figure it out by himself, because clearly, he has not been able to. I liked someone else's idea of role-playing, throwing different comments at him and then advising him on different ways to respond. I would even coach him on how he carries himself: head up, eyes up and not on the ground, looking confident, etc. Help him to not see himself as a victim, but as someone who can reach out and help others. Help him see that when other people tease and bully, THEY have a problem. Lastly, I would help connect him with one or two other kids on the team that seem to have a gentle spirit and are kind. Invite them over for pizza and a movie, offer to pick them up and take them to practice, etc.

 

This is what I would do as well. In addition, I would give the coach a chance to deal with it from a team dynamic perspective. If he is a good coach, he will follow through and he is right that this is a team issue, they shouldn't be picking on each other because it hurts the team. They need to pull together to do their best as a team.

 

Oh if only he had listened to you and not brought up the whole Pokemon thing to begin with! Hopefully that will be part of the lesson as well -- listen to your mother! :)

[Starr]

I'm not sure it's all his fault. While he needs some coaching the other boys have no reason to be mean! Why is it always the victims fault?

[RanchGirl]

I'm not sure it's all his fault. While he needs some coaching the other boys have no reason to be mean! Why is it always the victims fault?

 

I don't think anyone is suggesting the OP's son is at fault at all. But he still needs a way to deal with this. They can't remove the meanie from the team at this point (and hopefully it won't escalate any further to where they would have cause for kicking him off the team).

[MotherMayI]

Thank you all for your great advice. While it has only been one day since the "event", things looked a lot brighter today. Each of you offered some great advice. I am going to give the coach a chance to handle it and I hope that it ends there. I agree that ds needs to handle this...with coaching. It never occurred to me that I would need to coach him NOT to tell the kids that his mom told him to say something. I now see that I have to be much more specific when coaching him. I also told him that if he chooses to use the "I'm not bothered" response then he needs to take that all the way to the end and he can not break down and let them see it bothered him. We do need to do a lot more coaching. I think it is important that he does learn techniques that don't burn bridges and that allow for a possible friendship in the future.

 

For now we have invited one of his teammates over to hang out next week, and he got another teammate's phone number. In my observations he generally seems to be getting along with most of the boys, so I am hopeful that this was a wake-up call to tone down the Pokemon stuff and even to get more serious about his efforts on the team.

 

They had a game tonight and he had a great time and worked harder than I have seen in a long time.

 

If anyone has any specific book/movie recommendations on social skills I would really appreciate it. I feel so inadequate in this area. I am not quick with the comebacks...and my dh is exceptionally quick, but he can cut to the quick- so I'd like some middle ground:tongue_smilie:

 

Thanks again...each of your responses helped me relax a bit today. It's funny how one incident can make you question how you are doing everything! Sorry it took me so long to respond.