Halcyon Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 (edited) My son is friends with a young 6 year old boy--he's perfectly nice, and his mom is too. She and her son...and her 9 yo daughter...come over to play fairly often. But the thing is...I don't care for her daughter. She's rude, self-centered, always proclaiming how much 'better' she is at whatever topic the kids are talking about. She's bossy, obnoxious, and seriously, if she was my kid, she'd get a serious talking to. But..she's not my kid. And I like her mom, and my son really likes her son. But as a homeschool family, they're almost always together. I won't go into the most recent interaction with her. Suffice to say, my DH happened to be around and afterward he turned to me and said "You have GOT to be kidding me. I don't want our kids around her." He's usually very, very tolerant of other kids, but he was simply shocked. She even came up to him at one point with her garbage and said "here, take this and put it in the trash" and walked away. How can I maintain my friendship with this woman, and my son with her young son? Oh, and they all play together when she comes over--she doesn't sit and read, or chit chat (which is fine, of course!) so separating them is not really an option. And I know someone is going to suggest I talk to her mom, but her mom thinks she is an angel, and I really, really hate telling other people how to parent...it would be so uncomfortable and I fear it would ruin whatever relationship we have..... :confused: Edited March 17, 2011 by Halcyon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Koerarmoca Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Would it be at all possible to set up a few play dates just for the boys? and limit the times where the mom and daughter come along? I know you don't want to tarnish the friendship but maybe it would be easier to just limit how often the sister comes too. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 Would it be at all possible to set up a few play dates just for the boys? and limit the times where the mom and daughter come along? I know you don't want to tarnish the friendship but maybe it would be easier to just limit how often the sister comes too. :grouphug: Thank you. We will try that for sure. Unfortunately, we do a lot of HS group park days and for those activities, the daughter would come to. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I have a similar problem...my son is friends with a boy but the older sister is nasty and often is part of our family playtimes. Last time I said to just drop off the boy. I don't get to see my friend but I am limiting her dd being around my dd. And I find now the child rarely speaks to me in public even with her mom around...so I know I am doing the right thing in only allowing the boy to be here. She too is an 'angel' to everyone but I have seen some disturbing things and just don't put us in social settings with her anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Is it possible that this isn't a matter of 'bad' parenting or a child being rude, but Asperger's? If that's the case, the mom could point out rude behavior until she's blue in the face, but her daughter may not really get it until she's much older. Sounds like a tough situation! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halcyon Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 Is it possible that this isn't a matter of 'bad' parenting or a child being rude, but Asperger's? If that's the case, the mom could point out rude behavior until she's blue in the face, but her daughter may not really get it until she's much older. Sounds like a tough situation! I am really not familiar with Asperger's, but I seriously doubt it. The girl was in a public school program until last year and does quite well academically (not that children with Asperger's don't do well academically, but there don't seem to have been any warning signs with her). Based on my limited knowledge of Asperger's, I think I can safely say this is NOT the problem She just does things that are plain ol' rude and selfish. That's all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Would it be at all possible to set up a few play dates just for the boys? and limit the times where the mom and daughter come along? I know you don't want to tarnish the friendship but maybe it would be easier to just limit how often the sister comes too. :grouphug: This and I would say something directly to the girl. Fir example, over the trash issue. I wouod have called her back over and said, "No. It's your trash, so you throw it away." And when she is bossy, I'd tell her so. "Hey, you don't get to tell them what to do. Either play WITH them or not." I'd give my kids permission to refuse to play with her when she is rude or bullying. If the mom doesn't like it... Well that stinks... :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertDweller Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Is it possible to call the child on it? Next time she says something rude, say, "Gee, Mary, we don't speak that way to each other. That wasn't a nice thing to say". Or, "I'm sorry, but in our home, we each pick up our own trash and throw it away". If the mother isn't addressing the behaviour, I probably would. I wouldn't do it in a mean or confrontational way, but I would let the child know that her behavior is wrong. Maybe the mom will start to get a clue. You might even say to the mom that you've noticed little Mary seems to be having a bad day. You could mention that you noticed she seems out of sorts and ask if she's okay. It's not directly addressing the problem, but it would be a way to acknowledge that you are noticing something amiss. Then you could see how the mom responds about whatever has happened that particular day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Sherry Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Since your dh has said this "You have GOT to be kidding me. I don't want our kids around her"I think you need to simply not invite her over or send your children over to play with her. Just let your son's call and invite the boy saying they can only have one child over. If she asks why she can't come your son's can say because Mom said we can only invite one friend right now. If the Mom asks you may want to say you just need less commotion so you're only letting the boys invite the son over. There is a good chance the Mom or girl will be offended if they find out you do not like the girl. The thing is, you don't need to tell people everything you think. I suppose it's a good thing our brains don't have a loud speaker broadcasting everything that comes to mind. They may need to hear what you have to say about the girls behavior but my guess is it won't go over well. You could try to work with the girl on her issues but it sounds like she's got a very strong personality and it will be a challenge. You could talk to the Mom but I can't imagine that she hasn't already experienced these same issues with her daughter. If she's not already working on them there's a good chance telling her your opinion won't help. Sorry I'm not more positive about this. I've seen too many Moms with snotty daughters think they were angels. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I'd speak to the child. The words, "That is not the way we behave in my house, " would preface any direction. That way you teach her that you have different expectations than her mom. Maybe not so much better, just different. "I'm sorry. In my house we each put our own trash in the bin." "That is not the way we behave in my house. In my house we..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ayden Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Is it possible to call the child on it? Next time she says something rude, say, "Gee, Mary, we don't speak that way to each other. That wasn't a nice thing to say". Or, "I'm sorry, but in our home, we each pick up our own trash and throw it away". If the mother isn't addressing the behaviour, I probably would. I wouldn't do it in a mean or confrontational way, but I would let the child know that her behavior is wrong. Maybe the mom will start to get a clue. I would do this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I am really not familiar with Asperger's, but I seriously doubt it. The girl was in a public school program until last year and does quite well academically (not that children with Asperger's don't do well academically, but there don't seem to have been any warning signs with her). Based on my limited knowledge of Asperger's, I think I can safely say this is NOT the problem She just does things that are plain ol' rude and selfish. That's all. Well, Asperger's (or PDD-NOS) often doesn't mean a child struggles academically. They can often excel academically, but struggle socially. I was just putting that out there in case you spoke with the mother and she said her daughter was on the spectrum. A lot of times the need to be #1 and saying socially unacceptable things (the issue with your husband) are things that come along with spectrum disorders. In my home, if kids are acting out, I tell them it is unacceptable behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GnomeyNewt Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I'd speak to the child. The words, "That is not the way we behave in my house, " would preface any direction. That way you teach her that you have different expectations than her mom. Maybe not so much better, just different. "I'm sorry. In my house we each put our own trash in the bin." "That is not the way we behave in my house. In my house we..." :iagree: Sometimes when kids enter a new house (unless she has been there and been told before) they might try to pull some stuff? But you might know her better and if she is like this in other settings too? I actually don't mind telling other kids or even adults how they cannot treat me. This is not parenting, this is defending my own sanity! If you give into any of that, it gives that child/person more reason to continue said behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Maybe suggest signing the boys up for some gender or age specific activity that would exclude the girl. Cub scouts. . . or most sports since most are gender segregated. . . Downside: you'll have to tolerate the girl when you are on the sidelines. If you want a friendship with the mom, you can suggest mom-only activities such as a yoga class, a walking date, book club, etc. FWIW, I have known several 'odd duck' kids who really have Asperger's or some similar thing. . . but if you don't know them well, you'd just think they were rude or weird. I'd suggest trying to consider this girl as 'special needs' and putting on your patient pants when you are around her. If you can put on those patient pants very intentionally, you might find a delightful human being under there. . . it's just hard to see when they don't follow the social norms. HTH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Basically you need to give her the same directives you'd give your own kids if they were doing/saying rude things. And if you don't want to do that, then you need to not have the girl over. If she were spouting off swear words I assume you'd say something directly to her, why not with the other inappropriate stuff? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sewpeaceful Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Is it possible to call the child on it? Next time she says something rude, say, "Gee, Mary, we don't speak that way to each other. That wasn't a nice thing to say". Or, "I'm sorry, but in our home, we each pick up our own trash and throw it away". If the mother isn't addressing the behaviour, I probably would. I wouldn't do it in a mean or confrontational way, but I would let the child know that her behavior is wrong. Maybe the mom will start to get a clue. You might even say to the mom that you've noticed little Mary seems to be having a bad day. You could mention that you noticed she seems out of sorts and ask if she's okay. It's not directly addressing the problem, but it would be a way to acknowledge that you are noticing something amiss. Then you could see how the mom responds about whatever has happened that particular day. I agree. AND it is possible the mom simply doesn't know what to do and has tossed in the towel. Sometimes it DOES take outsiders to lovingly call a child on bad behavior to show the child their are boundaries that exist outside the home and they are expected to live by them. I have had to do that with my kids' friends and a few drawn boundaries is usually all it has taken to shape up their behavior in our home. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 You'll have to decide which is more important: your friendship with the woman, or surrounding your children with positive influences as best you can. I am a very conscientious hostess; however, we do not permit rudeness in our home. We also do not respond to demands. I would not invite them over again, and if my friend asked why, I would be honest and let her know that while I do not correct the behavior of others, I also refuse to allow myself or others to be treated rudely in my home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snipsnsnailsx5 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I know what you mean about parenting other people's kids. I have issues with that too. However I think its a good idea that if the mom isn't going to say something ,then you should. I have a friend who has kids around the same ages as mine. We get together frequently for playdates. Whether at her house or my house, or even church (we go to church together too) if one of my children is acting up - she'll say something to them. ;) At first maybe I was a little taken aback because I'm just not used to other people disciplining my kids for me. However now I'm greatful for it. Its good for them to hear from another adult sometimes. They tend to tune me out after awhile. ;) When another adult says something, its much more serious to the child and they would likely straighten right up. When you guys are together and the girl starts being bossy, just nicely intervene and say that they need to share/take turns/etc. You don't have to sound rude/scary. :) HTH! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HistoryMom Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 We had a similar situation just today. A neighborhood girl (7 y.o.) came over the play with my kids in our yard. I caught the tail end of a conversation in which she said some unpleasant things. I called everyone over and asked for a repeat of the conversation. They all told the same story, so I told the girl that we don't talk to each other like that. We'd like her to be able to play with our kids, but if she's not going to be nice, we'll have to ask her to go home. She apologized to DS and it seemed to go well after that. Who knows what she told her parents when she got home, but honestly, I'd rather her parents be ticked off at me than to have my kids think that such behavior is acceptable or have them think that they don't deserve to be treated with respect. I don't think of that as parenting someone else's child, but instead as socialization. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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