Doing business with family - update

[maddykate]

Some of you may remember my post from a few days ago where I was asking advice about paying my BIL for helping to build our house on our farm while we are in Asia. Some of you said (and we agree) that $2000 is not worth the relationship between brothers. My dh has tried repeatedly to make it right with his brother, but bil won't allow it. He will not even let my dh talk to him. And, on top of that, bil went to their parents and told them many, many untruths about what took place. So, now everyone in the family is furious with us. Last night, mil called crying (we actually thought someone had died, she was crying so hard). And blamed and accused my dh of so many things that are simply not true, but would not listen to my dh try to defend himself. It is so bad. We are all the way across the world dealing with this. And, now, we have a house and land that we don't feel comfortable even going to when we leave here because bil has spread such hatred around about us that every one there thinks we are money-hungry, horrible people. I am so sad.

 

We have been dreaming about this move to the farm for 6 years. Every decision we have made in my dh career has been leading us there. Our children are devastated and now, after all this has occurred, I feel that my in-laws are not the kind of people I want my children around anyway. I avoid people like them like the plague and now, I have a house right next door to them. If something were to happen to my dh and me, my bil and his wife were to get our children. Now, we even have to go and have our will changed. I am just so horrified at the turn of events. I never would have imagined this would happen.

 

My advice to all of you is to NEVER, ever do business with family. And to NEVER think that people are thinking about the situation the same way you are. We are completely blindsided about this, but apparantly they all have been harboring ill-will toward us for a long time. We had NO clue that they felt this way about us.

 

Please pray that there can be some kind of healing in this family. I don't think I will ever be able to live there. I have a brand new house that I don't even want to see because of the stress and grief associated with it. My dh is seriously considering selling the entire place. We are so sad.

Edited March 16, 2011 by maddykate
spelling errors....especially the word advice :)

[meggie]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

That is so sad that a grown man would act like that.

[newlifemom]

:grouphug:

[LittleIzumi]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Praying. That is such a sad situation.

[Anne Rittenhouse]

First of all hugs and support to you and your family. I am sure that this is painful, but....You might consider looking at it in this light. Thank goodness this happened NOW, BEFORE you actually got there. You have learned a very important lesson about your family and they have showed their true colors. I would pay the $2000 to the BIL in exchange for a written document that all financial obligations with him are settled. Get a lawyer to help you. Then I would get that house ready for sale and put it on the market. Under no conditions would I allow that family to sweet talk me back into living there.

 

Now as painful and life changing these decisions are, do your homework carefully and operate in a non-hurried business like manner for all things concerning this mess. After everything is cleared up, you now have all options open and all opportunities available. Nice homes in lovely areas with a bit of land and nice neighbors are available elsewhere. Set your sights on the possibilities of the future. Yes, It's a huge dissapointment but instead of shattered dreams, perhaps this is a good thing....perhaps leading you to something better.

Edited March 16, 2011 by Anne Rittenhouse
because I wasn't finished.

[kalanamak]

Ugh. I'm a run and hide person. Could you stay in Asia longer?

 

:grouphug: (I know those sobbing calls from ILs when you think someone died. The one I got was over a dress.)

[Liz CA]

I would also consider selling. You may have to live elsewhere even if the rift is healed at some point. There may be another farm somewhere or a small piece of land that could suit your family. I could not live next to people who harbor such resentment. :grouphug:

[TN Mama]

:grouphug: Praying for a resolution.

[Mama Geek]

In trying to think about how to improve the relationships, how has FIL responded? BIL may be acting out of fear due to serious financial problems and if I remember right from the other post his kid is/was sick. MIL may be very fearful for her son and be acting irrationally. Have you tried to talk to your FIL, is he more reasonable to deal with right now?

 

Some things can be repaired and some things can't. It is just a thought.

[GreenKitty]

Praying it will all work out for you. Finding out how people behave and what their true thought are, can be sad. Consider all possibilities before moving. I know how it can be living by families with so much hate.

[maddykate]

Mama geek, you are right. Nephew is very, very ill with a neurological disorder that they don't even know how to help. So, yes, BIL is extremely stressed regarding his poor son. MIL is very protective of bil. He can do no wrong in her eyes and woe unto the one who raises bil's blood pressure. FIL is slightly more reasonable than mil, but they are both very irrational when it comes to this situation. She seems to have forgotten that she has two sons and that through her words and actions, she is losing one of them. Unfortunately, there is just no resolution in sight.

 

Thank you all for your thoughts and well-wishes.

[MelanieM]

:grouphug: That's a really tough situation, and I'm sorry you're hurting so badly right now. Is it possible that these things have just been blown way our of proportion because of all the other things that are happening in the family right now? Sometimes people take their grief, stress and sadness out on the easiest target, even when that's unfair, and they just need a little grace and love to show them the way to come back around.

 

In your shoes, I might try to write everyone letters and have your say about the misunderstandings and where you feel things went wrong. Give them a chance to respond after you've been heard, and perhaps remove their own pain from the situation enough to make it right. If that doesn't happen, then at least you know now what you'd be getting into and you can make a different choice if needed. That knowledge is a blessing. :grouphug:

[May]

:grouphug:I'm so sorry for your pain. Hope that a peaceful resolution can one day be made.

[Trish]

Yes, if this hadn't happened NOW, I shudder to think what the future would hold.

 

Strange family dynamic -- everyone accepts BIL's word as gospel, and won't listen to your husband's side of the story?

[Dobela]

I hate conflict, especially conflict iwth family. I have plenty of it here and I really wish I didn't live so close to my family. Sad, I know. If some of the ugliness I now experience had come up before we moved, I would have never moved near them. Seriously. But now we are stuck. As much as it hurts, maybe you can see the blessing in this - that you are seeing true colors before you move and can now move away to avoid it. Imagine this stress as your full time life. Imagine not knowing about this until after you are moved and can't move again. Stressed or not, family doesn't have to act the way you are describing.

[2cents]

I'm so sad for you. BIL sounds like a truly horrible horrible person. Even with the stress, it is wrong what he is doing. It says a lot about the rest of the family that they just blindly believe what he says without giving you a chance to explain. If it were me, I'd seriously consider selling and find another dream home...far away from toxic relatives. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[LittleIzumi]

Mama geek, you are right. Nephew is very, very ill with a neurological disorder that they don't even know how to help. So, yes, BIL is extremely stressed regarding his poor son. MIL is very protective of bil. He can do no wrong in her eyes and woe unto the one who raises bil's blood pressure. FIL is slightly more reasonable than mil, but they are both very irrational when it comes to this situation. She seems to have forgotten that she has two sons and that through her words and actions, she is losing one of them. Unfortunately, there is just no resolution in sight.

 

Thank you all for your thoughts and well-wishes.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[katemary63]

In your shoes, I might try to write everyone letters and have your say about the misunderstandings and where you feel things went wrong. Give them a chance to respond after you've been heard, and perhaps remove their own pain from the situation enough to make it right. If that doesn't happen, then at least you know now what you'd be getting into and you can make a different choice if needed. That knowledge is a blessing. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: I can commiserate! My inlaws 3 acres and home are adjacent to our cattle farm. They use our farm road to get to their house, passing by our home several times daily. Yet we never speak. We do not visit. They never see their grandchildren. Over a year ago, some silly things happened, MIL told some lots of lies and now no one in DH's family will have much of anything to do with him. My DH is an angel and an ideal husband, father, son and brother. He is totally blameless in this situation. But they have villified him with their lies and now he has essentially no family. His sisters have not spoken to him in over a year. Isn't it always the good ones who get blamed? I agree with writing a letter. State your case. Tell the truth. Offer Grace, understanding and forgiveness. If they do not respond in kind, then you will know you did the right thing and can move on with your lives. True colors have been revealed and it's tragic, but there's not much you can do about it. Just remember. You are not alone. Tragically, this happens to lots of good people. :grouphug:

[kalanamak]

Tragically, this happens to lots of good people. :grouphug:

 

I didn't grow up in this, so it took me a few years to figure it out: some families "function" by uniting themselves over a "bad guy". Some families this shifts, leading to terrible sibling conflicts as each endeavors not to be the schmuck on the bottom, sometimes it is "fixed". Countries do this, too. I am reminded of a friend who once noted that mankind would be completely united only if attacked by aliens.

[arghmatey]

Some of you may remember my post from a few days ago where I was asking advice about paying my BIL for helping to build our house on our farm while we are in Asia. Some of you said (and we agree) that $2000 is not worth the relationship between brothers. My dh has tried repeatedly to make it right with his brother, but bil won't allow it. He will not even let my dh talk to him. And, on top of that, bil went to their parents and told them many, many untruths about what took place. So, now everyone in the family is furious with us. Last night, mil called crying (we actually thought someone had died, she was crying so hard). And blamed and accused my dh of so many things that are simply not true, but would not listen to my dh try to defend himself. It is so bad. We are all the way across the world dealing with this. And, now, we have a house and land that we don't feel comfortable even going to when we leave here because bil has spread such hatred around about us that every one there thinks we are money-hungry, horrible people. I am so sad.

 

We have been dreaming about this move to the farm for 6 years. Every decision we have made in my dh career has been leading us there. Our children are devastated and now, after all this has occurred, I feel that my in-laws are not the kind of people I want my children around anyway. I avoid people like them like the plague and now, I have a house right next door to them. If something were to happen to my dh and me, my bil and his wife were to get our children. Now, we even have to go and have our will changed. I am just so horrified at the turn of events. I never would have imagined this would happen.

 

My advice to all of you is to NEVER, ever do business with family. And to NEVER think that people are thinking about the situation the same way you are. We are completely blindsided about this, but apparantly they all have been harboring ill-will toward us for a long time. We had NO clue that they felt this way about us.

 

Please pray that there can be some kind of healing in this family. I don't think I will ever be able to live there. I have a brand new house that I don't even want to see because of the stress and grief associated with it. My dh is seriously considering selling the entire place. We are so sad.

 

I 100% agree with your advice not to mix business and family.

 

The only exception I would allow is one where both parties have legal representation, and contracts are involved. If imposing this qualification on the arrangement hurts feelings (when in fact it is designed to preserve the quality of each relationship), then the parties would know up front that the business relationship would be difficult.

 

I'm so sorry you have had to experience this.

 

As far as MIL and the rest of the family, my friends and I refer to them as "flying monkeys", innocently (or not) doing the bidding of the "injured party" whether they are truly injured or not, when they should not be involved at all.

 

I have had to say, "This is between x and us. Please do not bring it up again. I love you and must insist upon this if you want to continue to have a relationship with us. We are adults and will handle this without your assistance."

 

Then I simply don't entertain their advice or questions until they are willing to comply.

[katemary63]

some families "function" by uniting themselves over a "bad guy". Some families this shifts, leading to terrible sibling conflicts as each endeavors not to be the schmuck on the bottom, sometimes it is "fixed". Countries do this, too. I am reminded of a friend who once noted that mankind would be completely united only if attacked by aliens.

 

:iagree: Exactly!