fairfarmhand Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 (edited) I am finding myself a bit concerned about my family. There is alot more negative, strong emotions expressed in unhealthy ways from pretty much everyone. (yelling. griping. saying needed things in a tone that is rather harsher than needed. bouts of bad temper) This includes me and my dh. So how does one go about having LONG TERM change? Seems like we'll try this or that for awhile but nothing seems to "stick" for the long haul. Suggestions please? Edited February 18, 2011 by fairfarmhand Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 hear the crickets??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 I found that I had to figure out the source of my stress/ anger/ frustration that I was taking out on my family. And not only the source but the signs that it was starting to build up. For me, I will start to have a clenched jaw, tight muscles and other signs long before I blow. I'm starting to recognize those cues and deal with it right then while I can still be nice about it. I will say, "I'm getting stressed or frustrated. (You need to back off. I need some time alone. I need you to take out the garbage now before I blow my stack.. . . ie. whatever would allow you to de-escalate.) My kids are learning to say the same to me. And we're all learning to respect each other when we do so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 For my family, it trickles down from me and dh. If we are calm, kind and patient, the kids are much more likely to be. It is hard sometimes, and I have to remind dh to do this. But things really do go much better when we do so. Also, if everyone is stressed out, we stop and do something low stress and fun - popcorn and movie at home, for instance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitestavern Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 I found that I had to figure out the source of my stress/ anger/ frustration that I was taking out on my family. And not only the source but the signs that it was starting to build up. For me, I will start to have a clenched jaw, tight muscles and other signs long before I blow. I'm starting to recognize those cues and deal with it right then while I can still be nice about it. I will say, "I'm getting stressed or frustrated. (You need to back off. I need some time alone. I need you to take out the garbage now before I blow my stack.. . . ie. whatever would allow you to de-escalate.) My kids are learning to say the same to me. And we're all learning to respect each other when we do so. :iagree: When I feel myself getting ramped up, I try and take a quick time out (bonus: I usually go clean something in another area of the house!). By the time that's over, I've usually calmed down and can more calmly handle a situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 For me it always comes back to me and only me. When I get myself in a good space, I can influence dh, and the kids. I get myself in a better space by meditation, exercise, time away from everyone, prayer, reading uplifting books, and having a good look at what is bothering me or stressing me out and looking at what *I* can do to influence it. Waiting for anyone else to change never works for me, although I have been known to give them a metaphorical kick in the butt at times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 "Peaceful Parents, Peaceful Kids" helped us come up with some good skills and routines. when things are going well, i don't need to remind myself, but when i notice things beginning to slide, i just put it on my nightstand and read one chapter a night. that's all it takes (now) to remind myself how i want to be. when i am that way, it is much easier for the others to be that way, too.... and for me to help them get there. fwiw, ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 hear the crickets??? Okay, I'll come clean. Did you ever read Franny and Zooey? There was a line about how the dad thought "everything would be fine if he'd turn on the radio and some little schnook would start singing?" (I paraphrase.) When things look like they are getting ugly, I sing my complaint. If the other won't buy into this, I start singing Smile, when your heart is aching, smile... or I'll be seeing you in every lovely summer's day. And yes, things are better if some little schnook starts singing. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted February 19, 2011 Author Share Posted February 19, 2011 Okay, I'll come clean. Did you ever read Franny and Zooey? There was a line about how the dad thought "everything would be fine if he'd turn on the radio and some little schnook would start singing?" (I paraphrase.) When things look like they are getting ugly, I sing my complaint. If the other won't buy into this, I start singing Smile, when your heart is aching, smile... or I'll be seeing you in every lovely summer's day. And yes, things are better if some little schnook starts singing. :001_smile: for some bizarre reason this appeals to me.....:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyCamper Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Appeals to me too! Humor often works so well.:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 (edited) I try to remember to voice my gratitude on a daily basis. I try not to take anything for granted. I always have stories swirling around in my head... and I share them. If I think of a cute thing they did when they were 4, I tell them. If I think of a time they helped when we really needed it, I tell them. I thank them for everything, too. For being so quiet in the morning (I hate waking up too early). For unloading the dishwasher, for transferring their clothing to the dryer so the washer is empty etc. Maybe that's overkill, but I enjoy letting them know I appreciate their small kindnesses. Edited February 19, 2011 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Okay, I'll come clean. Did you ever read Franny and Zooey? There was a line about how the dad thought "everything would be fine if he'd turn on the radio and some little schnook would start singing?" (I paraphrase.) When things look like they are getting ugly, I sing my complaint. If the other won't buy into this, I start singing Smile, when your heart is aching, smile... or I'll be seeing you in every lovely summer's day. And yes, things are better if some little schnook starts singing. :001_smile: This reminds me of the Anger Management scene in which Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson sing "I Feel Pretty".:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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