Osmosis Mom Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Not sure how to title this, but how to deal with a child who is more selfish than not? One of my kids is extremely extroverted to the degree that staying at home (when she is not at college being a social butterfly) is just numbing to her. It has become so bad that she doesn't even keep loyalty to her family or especially to her close sister. I am right now feeling very upset with her, not on a personal level, but on her sister's behalf. More specifically then child B cannot for the life of her get friends because child A is so much more charismatic and everyone around them want to be around A. They'll court B just to get to A (which is so not a good feeling). This is becoming more obvious as A is becoming quite visual in the youth group here and is not always around due to college and other obligations. B is always getting hurt and can't more to different circles (pretty insular community when it comes down to it). Recently A and B were invited to a get-together/party. B was really looking forward to it. A called last minute to say she just couldn't make it timewise (too much school-work at college), but would make it up to the b-girl who is one of her best friends. B went straight from work, not knowing that A would not be there and had the worst time of her life. Basically the girls there just wanted A and were even rude to B. Now A says that the girls didn't really mean to be rude, but just behave like that, unknowingly? OK< so the real dilemma is that one of the "mean" girls is hosting a b-party ont eh same day that B has her b-day. I had told B to not go (when she got the informal invite) so she could do stuff on her own, but she did not want to be excluded and said she was going. Well, now after she was mistreated like this, then she refuses to go. I am myself a bit annoyed as well (to put it mildly) since we live an hour away and found out two other moms are staying at the place while I have not been invited (I am an outsider, but my two girls are going plus A is the party girl's fav. friend). So I am supposed to do what while waiting around on a Friday night?? So,what does this have to do with being selfish? A wants to go even though her sister is hurt. She does not care that it is her sister's b-day and that nobody is doing a party or surprise thing for her. A told B that she'd make it up to her (see the pattern here?) in March while yesterday telling me that she got invited to another party this weekend (b-party) and that B was also invited. I told this to B when she got home, but lo and behold she never received an invite and again was left to feel that she is just a tag-along to A. Plus now she is badly hurt how A is doing all this to be out with people while not doing anything for her, her own sister. I should mention that A has a summer b-day, but that B this summer did a surprise thing for her with A's friends. I should also mention that I suggested 3 months ago that they plan a party and I'd pay for it, that they could have it at some place so people did not have to go "all" the way to our house. A never pursued this and B is too shy to do it on her own so that idea was scrapped. This incident here is just one in a long row where A chooses her "public" profile over loyalty to her family or just her sister, but I have sort of had it. A has been having some heart-ache this past year and we have spent hours upon hours upon hours (ongoing) listening to her. Yes, she is still a teen, but she is an old soul actually and I can't sacrifice B for her sake anymore.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickelfritz Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 I don't have advice, just:grouphug: My sister is 15 months younger than me. When I went off to college, I became very "me" focused and wrapped up in my new life. Luckily, my sister is the more extroverted one and was fine. But, my neglect extended to friends too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 It sounds really painful for you, Nadia, to watch it going on- family dynamics can be so tricky. I have one selfish one in particular but both can be and it cuts deep at times. I would not take a child to a party an hour away that I was not invited to stay over at or wasn't friendly with the people. It doesn't sound like you are very happy about the situation anyway so maybe its a good time to say to A that you are not willing to drive her- and you don't really need to justify yourself but you can give your reasons if you want. Sounds like you maybe have a build up of resentment and its good to get real. I think teen years are when kids start to realise the world doesn't revolve around them. Mine think they can fly then crash land frequently. I just remember its not me that needs to keep telling them- life will do it. I think they learn a lot of lessons in the family but just as many out with their friends. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Osmosis Mom Posted February 15, 2011 Author Share Posted February 15, 2011 Thanks, Peela and Snickelfritz. As an addendum, then A is in college so she chooses where to go -and she is going to the party whilst her sister is hurting and even her dad thinks it is a bit much that the mother wasn't invited. I guess it is a matter of teen/sibling-dynamics, but it is just the trend that A always chooses her public image over her own family. Now mind you, she loves us all, but these choices still hurt. Now I have to compensate and find something fun and enticing to do with B on her b-day so make up for her not being around friends (who are not her friends anyways apparently). Headache. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 I'd be having a long, firm talking to with A. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Osmosis Mom Posted February 15, 2011 Author Share Posted February 15, 2011 I'd be having a long, firm talking to with A. Oh, yeah, had that one. She has her point of view and has made her decision, thinking it is all a matter of being kind to the person who invited her, not seeing how hurt her sister is. That's why I am upset and uninvited her from coming home this weekend with her girlfriend (another one whom B loves also, but we don't want to cater to A taking us that for granted). Sounds mean, but so be it. I don't want to be too verbal with her as she is under school-pressure, but I do want my point to come across by sort of withdrawing love? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 I am really sorry. :grouphug: There is nothing more painful than to watch your children not treat each other well. I might not be popular but since A is living at home and dependent on you I would put my foot down. If she can't be nice to her sister I wouldn't be taking her anywhere. Life as she knows it would come to a crashing halt college or not. I know how it is when things aren't going well and they seem to take everything out of you. I'm always retooling and trying to be sure my younger gets enough attention. I think everyone stays home and does a special family activity for Bs birthday. The self esteem of your younger one seems to be at stake from what amounts to a kind of bullying. Are these girls really worth As time? She could make B popular if she wanted. Is she making herself feel good at her sister's expense however unintentionally? Hopefully if you make some rules for A, B doesn't feel responsible. It sounds like you have some long conversations coming at your house. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Ah, 18 - what a lovely age. ;) Mine will be 18 in two days. She's always been a bit ego-centric, but lately... well. The world revolves around she and her boyfriend and their plans. NOT. We are still driving her around and tell her that as long as she lives under our roof, she's under our rule. We're not always "besties", but that's life as a parent, yes? Sometimes she goes to her room to cool off and vent via i-touch. The underlying selfishness is probably not something you or I are apt to change (life will take care of that), but I do think they need to abide by rules and be kind to family members. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 :grouphugs: to you and B. Perhaps ya'll can go do something fun as a family without A to make B's day special (out to dinner, some shopping, etc)? B will just have to realise that A is selfish and making her own choices. B will have to learn to create her own life apart from her sister. I know it's hard and it hurts :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 :grouphug:Nadia, I'm sorry, and wish I knew of some way to fix it. Teens sharing friends often leaves one slighted. That's how it always was for me and my sister. My mom always put her foot down = grounding and insisted birthdays were for family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 I've been fortunate to avoid some of this because my oldest has gone far away for school, but we did see some of this over the holidays when he had 3 weeks off. People inviting younger ds/dd places and "mention" they should bring along the older brother (who then gets all the attention while the younger gets ignored). Here's what I would recommend: You and "B" need to cut "A" loose socially. Invite her to spend time with family, but don't discuss other parties, etc. And encourage "B" to make friends outside of "A"s circle - yeah, I know that's easier said than done. Nurture "B" to pick out one or two people and help her make plans to spend time with them. I would put my energy at this point into "B". You don't have to be mean to "A", but she's 18 and off at college and can fend for herself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in TX Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 I would put my energy at this point into "B". You don't have to be mean to "A", but she's 18 and off at college and can fend for herself. :iagree: Focus not so much on punishing A (sounds like you've made your feelings well known to her), as finding new outlets/activities, and hopefully, friends for B. I've got an elder dd who seems to suck a lot more of the energy out of me than anyone else, and I often have to remind myself to focus more attention on her younger sister. Parenting...sigh... :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Osmosis Mom Posted February 15, 2011 Author Share Posted February 15, 2011 Everyone, thanks for your thoughts. B-days for family, well, if you are surrounded by your family day in and day out, then something has to give at some point. My kids are a bit isolated due to geography and our family is not around, so some things are a bit unique to our situation. But I get the drift. What has happened since last night is that B totally get that A is selfish (and B is the polar opposite, but also needs some loving). I was totally set on going all out and be motherly and do some loving for B (as I had offered a while back, but she was looking at being with friends). She spoke on phone with a mutual friend at A's college (who loves B, but has strong ties to A) and that friend strongly encouraged B to attend that darn party to let everyone know (in this small circle of friends) that B's own b-day was being slighted, but that she was woman enough to still attend and put on a happy face. Of course I had suggested this very same thing, but coming from this lovely girl apparently made it sound more attractive. I still don't really want A home this weekend because I know I'd blow things up. I suggested to B that she sleeps over this weekend at A's college (either with her sister or with this close friend of both of them). That way they can sort their problems out, have peer fun while I buzz out and don't wreck it with all my mothering and what-not. The issue with friends will probably solve itself shortly as people start to see the difference between the gals (one is fun and charismatic while the other is loyal and resourceful) plus B is applying to different colleges and will meet new people. Sorry for all this AM drama.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 They drag us into the drama and then sort it out themselves. lol You are an insightful and loving mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 :grouphug:'s this sounds difficult. Is ddA 18 and ddB12? I wonder if some of this is a result of their age differences. Just my 2 cents;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Osmosis Mom Posted February 15, 2011 Author Share Posted February 15, 2011 :grouphug:'s this sounds difficult. Is ddA 18 and ddB12? I wonder if some of this is a result of their age differences. Just my 2 cents;) Nah, 19 and turning 17. Yes, they do drag us into the drama and it ain't fun! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 :grouphug: You sound like a great mom who cares so much for all her children - it's hard to see them hurting. Personally, I'd definitely not be driving A to the b-day party - she can get there some other way if she chooses to go there instead of being with family on her sister's birthday. I'd also plan something absolutely awesome to do with the family and B. :) Think about something that she'd really like to do - maybe go to a musical or ballet or whatever she'd really enjoy and have a special dinner out. Maybe during the day both of you can go and get your hair done, or a manicure, or do some shopping together - just some special mother/daughter time. I'd also think about if there's a way for your daughter B to meet some new girls. Is there some activity that she's interested in? It might help her self esteem to have some new friends - even just one good one - who likes her for who she is and not because she's A's sister. I'd keep inviting A to the family events, but leave the decision up to her. I think that eventually she'll come around and figure out what's important in life. But A's friends sound toxic for B. She deserves better than that. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tabrett Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 (edited) Why is A going to youth group? She is in college. She needs to go to a college group. Youth group is for middle/high school. The needs of a college student is very different than the needs of a middle/high school aged dc. If your church is too small for a college group, I think A should try to find a study group of your religion on campus. Maybe even start one if it doesn't exist! Why are you driving the girls to the party? A college student is old enough to drive herself. Stopping A from attending youth group would help. A needs to find college friends. I would take B out or fix a special dinner for her b-day, on her b-day. I would tell A that you are not driving her to the other party because you are having a family party for B. I would tell A-If she wanted to drive herself to the party and miss B's b-party, so be it. But don't expect to be able to make it up to her sister. I would try to remove A from friends still in high school to give B some space to blossom without being under the shadow of A. Don't let B go to the same college as A! B need to be able to be her own person without her sisters influence on the people around B. Edited February 15, 2011 by Tabrett Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Somehow I don't understand why A is blamed for her outgoing personality. She can't help it that people like her, that they seek her company, and she can't help it that her sister is quiet and more of an introvert. Punishing her for wanting to be at a friend's party does not seem fair to me. (And yes, if I were 18, I would see it as a punishment if my parents told me, no, you are not allowed to come home this weekend because I am mad at you since you have not been nice to your sister... wow, writing it like this, it strikes me as utterly absurd) I am coming form a culture where the birthday person herself organizes her party and does the inviting... makes far more sense to me than being at the mercy of somebody else's thoughtfulness. Btw, I find it rather normal that young people prefer to be with their friends whom they have chosen than with their siblings whom they have not. Insisting on prefering siblings over friends goes a long way towards ruining sibling relationships (ask me how I know) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Osmosis Mom Posted February 16, 2011 Author Share Posted February 16, 2011 Ok, lots of other thoughts here obviously. A does not drive and would transport herself. A is the leader of her own youth group while B is under the leadership of someone else in another group (same Mosque). I found the perspective on me sort of punishing A for being an extrovert interesting. I have catered to her needs all her life, in ways you wouldn't imagine and on the account of her younger siblings. She was homeschooled and is now resentful of the loneliness she claims she felt which is sort of why she is right now over-compensating! She has had a lot of room to air her feelings out in, but right now I feel enough is enough. Move on and stop feeling ungrateful. I agree that young people need some space. We have a lot of restrictions due to our religion and culture (obviously I think they are good restrictions!), but my kids do get plenty of space (as in fx. dorming at college and doing sleep overs, going into town alone and what not as long as I feel it is safe). So, punish A by requiring her to finally get a grip and consider her sister? Her sister who did a surprise outing for her during the summer where A got to be surprised and meet up with friends? Just a teeny tiny bit of consideration for your sister here.... About special outings and all that jazz, then what I usually have done on my teen girls' b-days is that we spend the day doing something crazy and fun together (b-girl and her sister and/or a friend). I think I mentioned that I had offered a few different things and B was interested in getting some space this time around. I offered this AM to plan something (had a few options in mind for something different, no ballet and no musicals as tickets are way too high right now), but B does not want me to spend the money and basically does not want to let A feel more stressed out and guilty (B is a pretty decent sister). So, some character reinforcement there that I am proud of. A is, yes, outgoing, charismatic, fun, but also a bit too selfish. I am not sure if it is a teen thing or a character flaw. The thing about not having her home this weekend is due to many other facts; she was supposed to bring a girlfriend who was NOT invited to that darn party and whom I was supposed to pick up on my own (thanks, mother!), then she suggested they go to another party over the weekend while I had suggested I was having people over that she and her friend and sister would also enjoy (she had said great to that). I mean, the girl is stressed and is over-extending herself and I think it might be best that they stay at college, have their fun while I grump and huff at home and get over myself and my girls!! Sorry to be venting here, but dh can only take so much talk from me and I have had enough of talking things over with those girls. I understand this is all petty, but it fuels their tempers and gives me sleepless nights, not wanting B to feel like she is less important. BTW, A does love her siblings like crazy, but she is feeding her public persona (being a leader in different areas) and has not yet figured out how to set limitations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacy in NJ Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 her sister. Maybe B is too dependent on riding her sister's coat-tails with regards to friendships. I have two boys who are close in age; my oldest son is more outgoing and makes friends easily. It can be difficult, but older sibs do need room to have friendships away from little brother/sister, and younger sibs need to NOT depend on the other for their social entrance. Since your older dd is college age, I really think it's time to let her determine how she'll handle friendships on her own. While this maybe painful for your younger girl, it really is important for her to stand on her own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Osmosis Mom Posted February 16, 2011 Author Share Posted February 16, 2011 her sister. Maybe B is too dependent on riding her sister's coat-tails with regards to friendships. I have two boys who are close in age; my oldest son is more outgoing and makes friends easily. It can be difficult, but older sibs do need room to have friendships away from little brother/sister, and younger sibs need to NOT depend on the other for their social entrance. Since your older dd is college age, I really think it's time to let her determine how she'll handle friendships on her own. While this maybe painful for your younger girl, it really is important for her to stand on her own. Yes, this. She is trying, but mostly really they are in the same circles and apart from perhaps one or two girls then the rest use her as a stepping board to get to A. She understands this and is refocusing her energy to not expect friendship from these girls. It's just been hard, really hard. She was riding older sister's coattails but is now so different and so confident that she is fully capable of being on her own. It's been nice to hear that others experience these kind of things and I appreciate the room for venting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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