Caught off Guard by a Comment

[Lux Et Veritas Academy]

I was at church last week when a teacher of my 16 year old daughter came up and said - "Wow, she is just so sharp. I just love having her in my class." I said "Thanks" and smiled.

 

(Background-My daughter says that most of the kids sit in class, lean back in their chairs, don't listen and don't care to answer any questions-so it is not hard to look good in there.)

 

Shortly after, he said..."My only fear is that she will have a problem relating to other teens."

 

I was tounge tied..and responded by saying "I guess that is better than the alternative." I didn't even make sense, because I was so flabbergasted.

 

I wanted to say- "Wow" ....She plays the harp, has won several national awards for community service and several scholarships, dual enrolled in CC. What more could people want in a teen these days?

 

Would you rather have her dysfunctional on drugs and alcohol, hanging with the goths all tattooed? (No offense please!)

 

I admit that she hasn't fit in well with two or three girls who don't have similar interest as her.

 

Infact, one of the "more popular high school" girls last year found out she was spending a month in Sweden on an exchange with a family we knew in Europe, responded by saying "That sucks..why would you want to spend your whole summer doing that and post-pone getting your drivers license?" (She received her DL 3 months later when the next class was available.)

 

I wish I would have been more quick to defend myself against the teacher.

 

What would you have done?

 

-------------------------------------------

Blogging today on "A discussion on The Art of Homemaking and Motherhood"

[Laurie4b]

I would go back and talk with the teacher and say, "I was so flabbergasted by your comment, I didn't even make sense. Would you mind unpacking that for me?"

 

Then listen. It may be hard, but it's possible that he has information that would be helpful to you.

 

It's also possible that he has stereotypes of homeschoolers that he could hear from you about.

 

It's also possible that the adults in that class have not found how to relate to teens in a way that elicits their passion. My guess is that she sticks out from the other teens in that particular group (leaning back, not listening, not answering questions.) However, that is NOT the norm in every teenaged Sunday school class, youth group, etc. Your daughter would not stick out in our high school Sunday school class and it is a mix of homeschooled students, public-schooled students, and private-schooled students. The majority are public-schooled students. However, a majority of them (not all) are interested in following Jesus and do tune in. Additionally, the teachers work hard to engage all the kids, not just the ones who answer most easily. What is possible is that your church is not a good fit for your teen and she would fit in better in another church youth class.

 

Be careful of this: "I wish I would have been more quick to defend myself against the teacher. " As homeschooling moms, it's easy to get our own value, sense of self, etc. intertwined with our kids. It's best if we guard against that. He might have something for you to hear. Be open to that so that you can objectively hear that. If you hear it as about you, too, that will be harder.

Edited February 8, 2011 by Laurie4b

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:I think your response was kind of perfect.

[stephanier.1765]

:grouphug:I think your response was kind of perfect.

 

I do too. You probably knocked him back on his heels with that one and he's more than likely still trying to figure out what you know that he doesn't. :lol: Good for you!

[Jean in Wisc]

I am trying my best to remember to ask questions in these situations rather than answer them.

 

"Why do you say that?" is always a good one.

 

This gives them a chance to truly explain themselves in case they did have something concrete. This also gives them a chance to get all tongue tied and walk away feeling sheepish.

 

Your response to their answer can be something as simple as, "Oh," or "Hm", or "Interesting".

 

Often that is enough to get them rethinking what they just said, and in a thinking person, that can go a long way. For a non-thinking person, you did not "answer a fool with foolishness".

 

Just my perspective, though.

 

:)Jean

[amyco]

:iagree:

 

I am also trying to remember to answer comments like this with questions--it saves me from having to think too much on my feet or deal with it later. So in this case, if you asked, "Why do you say that?" or "What makes you say that?" you'll either get something concrete, or they will stumble around and you'll discover they are biased against homeschooling.

 

This way you can be sure you've heard them right and they get a chance to explain themselves.

[Sylvia in CA]

I got similar feedback about my ds. The question was to his sibling "Is he homeschooled?" My ds DOES happen to be quite shy and probably considered socially inept. I have tried putting him in class situations, groups, and such, but he's still shy. He is involved in Boy Scouts and AWANA consistently. Some kids are that way naturally even if they are public schooled (I was), so can't blame the homeschooling, but that's what people see as the culprit.

 

I usually (not always) explain that he is that way by nature.

 

Sylvia

[Sylvia in CA]

BTW, I think your response was appropriate. You made sense. The teacher just needed to wrap his brain around that one.

 

Sylvia

[Yolanda in Mass]

I am trying my best to remember to ask questions in these situations rather than answer them.

 

"Why do you say that?" is always a good one.

 

This gives them a chance to truly explain themselves in case they did have something concrete. This also gives them a chance to get all tongue tied and walk away feeling sheepish.

 

Your response to their answer can be something as simple as, "Oh," or "Hm", or "Interesting".

 

Often that is enough to get them rethinking what they just said, and in a thinking person, that can go a long way. For a non-thinking person, you did not "answer a fool with foolishness".

 

Just my perspective, though.

 

:)Jean

 

:iagree:I learned early in my homeschool journey to ask exactly those kinds of questions when presented with unusual comments. I've also learned that we learn something from the most unexpected comments.

 

Yolanda

[ks-sunflower]

Well maybe it is true that she finds it hard to "relate" to people her age with whom she has little in common in terms of interests, motivation, and social skills. To me, his question assumes that she is the one with the deficit. Why do adults assume that just because kids share a chronological age that they should also share interests, etc.?

[Beebalm]

Hmmmm. This hits close to home. Why is it that when a bright, articulate, well-behaved, 'sharp', hard-working, sweet teen girl who HAPPENS to be home-schooled stands out among her peers, SHE'S the one with the problem? Has the teacher maybe considered the possibility that the OTHER teens might have trouble relating to HER? Because she might not know their latest gossip or dance move or silly catch phrase of the day, SHE'S not relating well? This steams me. Don't let it bug you. Ignorance concerning homeschooling is rampant. You keep on keeping on. BTW, I teach SS and would NEVER say anything so hurtful to a parent. Homeschooling or not.

[RanchGirl]

I like your response and wouldn't pursue it further unless you have both a concern for your dd and a reason to think this guy might be able to help. Which I doubt.

 

When people are insinuating that homeschooled students lack appropriate socialization, they never fail to miss the irony that it's usually in the middle of a social situation (e.g. Sunday school class). Nor that insulting someone with a ridiculous stereotype smacks of poor socialization skills. To say nothing of offering inappropriate, unneeded, unwanted advice -- not the best way for this man to relate to you now is it??

 

Sheesh!! Anyhoo, I would blow it off as a foot in mouth moment for this man and just feel sorry for him for his momentary lapse of social skills! ;)

[johnandtinagilbert]

I like your response and wouldn't pursue it further unless you have both a concern for your dd and a reason to think this guy might be able to help. Which I doubt.

 

When people are insinuating that homeschooled students lack appropriate socialization, they never fail to miss the irony that it's usually in the middle of a social situation (e.g. Sunday school class). Nor that insulting someone with a ridiculous stereotype smacks of poor socialization skills. To say nothing of offering inappropriate, unneeded, unwanted advice -- not the best way for this man to relate to you now is it??

 

Sheesh!! Anyhoo, I would blow it off as a foot in mouth moment for this man and just feel sorry for him for his momentary lapse of social skills! ;)

:iagree:

and I'd borrow RanchGirl's lovely red boot and give a good kick :)

[amtmcm]

I like your response and wouldn't pursue it further unless you have both a concern for your dd and a reason to think this guy might be able to help. Which I doubt.

 

When people are insinuating that homeschooled students lack appropriate socialization, they never fail to miss the irony that it's usually in the middle of a social situation (e.g. Sunday school class). Nor that insulting someone with a ridiculous stereotype smacks of poor socialization skills. To say nothing of offering inappropriate, unneeded, unwanted advice -- not the best way for this man to relate to you now is it??

 

Sheesh!! Anyhoo, I would blow it off as a foot in mouth moment for this man and just feel sorry for him for his momentary lapse of social skills! ;)

 

:iagree: Me too!

 

She's only going to be a teenager for two or three more years. What difference does it make if she can relate to teens or not? Isn't it more important that we can all relate to adults since that's the ultimate goal and it's how we'll spend the majority of our lives (as adults - God willing)?

[Robin in DFW]

Shortly after, he said..."My only fear is that she will have a problem relating to other teens."

I guess I'm wondering why he thinks it is any of his business???

 

I have found people in general to be very vocal about the horrors of homeschooling, but very rarely do they approach publicly schooled kids' parents and say these types of things.

 

I've had my fair share of commentary from people I thought were our friends.

 

I just don't understand why they think they have the right to make comments about things in which they have no experience.

 

I mean, I would never go up to a ps parent (or anyone else) and start in on the horrors of the social behaviors of many, many of those kids and how they won't be able to relate to people who don't misbehave, use drugs and bad language and who respect their parents!

 

I think people need to check themselves. Since when is it "normal" to pierce your tongue, use so many bad words it sounds like a foriegn language, act uninterested, be disrespectful and sleep around? Just wonderin'...

[Sylvia in CA]

:iagree: Robin

[RanchGirl]

and I'd borrow RanchGirl's lovely red boot and give a good kick :)

 

 

:D this made me smile this morning! (I almost said "I got a kick out of that").

[RanchGirl]

She's only going to be a teenager for two or three more years. What difference does it make if she can relate to teens or not? Isn't it more important that we can all relate to adults since that's the ultimate goal and it's how we'll spend the majority of our lives (as adults - God willing)?

 

That is a really good point that you don't hear very often.... all those hardwon social successes for teenagers do not carry over into adulthood. Unless one is planning to enter a prison, one won't be seeing the same social situation ever again.