Adoption question

[Skyline]

My sister and brother in law are looking to adopt either domestically or internationally. I have a few concerns for personal reason that I will not get into on here but ultimately the choice is theirs and not mine and do I wish to support them in whatever they choose. So my question is for those who have adopted or who have had family member adopt.

 

What should I know or what did you wish family members knew before hand and how best can I support them through this process?

[KrissiK]

All three of my kids are adopted domestically through the foster care system. My family has been great. They accept our kids just as if they were ours biologically and that has made all the difference. I think the most important thing you can do is just accept them and "forget" they are adopted. I'm not sure what issues are coloring your opinion, but you are right, it's their decision and they need your support.

[Laurie4b]

I think your sister needs to read about Reactive Attachment Disorder to make sure that they go into this with their eyes open.

[deacongirl]

They MUST do the research to choose an ethical agency. If they choose international, they need to join the yahoo group Adoption Agency Research.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Adoption_Agency_Research/

http://www.ethicanet.org/

http://harlowmonkey.typepad.com/harlows_monkey/adoptive_parents_being_an.html

[ZooRho]

I've adopted twice domestically.

 

It is a roller coaster ride with lots of different emtions. Days you want to throw in the towel, days you are sick of filling out paper work. So on the discouraging days, don't add to thier down feeling.

 

I'm convinced the adoption has the struggles so that the ones who persevere are the ones who make it through the process.

 

anyway. I hate asking you what your reservations are cause I don't want you to get beat up. But maybe we can help you out with what your fears are.

 

My fil told my dh that so and so's adopted child ended up in the state pen, dh reminded him that so and so's bio kid ended up in the same place.

[Mother Superior]

I am an adoption attorney and two of my six girls were adopted. I have seen adoptions turn out great (98%) and a few not so great.

 

What I would have you say to them is "What can I do to support your decision to adopt?"

 

I recently started a blog about adoption: http://www.siadoptionlaw.com/blog. I'd encourage you to read the post about positive adoption language. Negative words about adoption were my #1 pet peeve through our adoption processes.

[jujsky]

What should I know or what did you wish family members knew before hand and how best can I support them through this process?

 

Never, ever refer to the child they adopt as their "adopted child" -- especially if they have bio children. If they have bio children, do not refer to them as their "real children." Treat and love that child the same way you would treat and love a biological child. Never tell this child he/she is "lucky" to be adopted. Never bad-mouth the child's biological parents.

 

If they feel there are issues with their child, do not tell them that the child will "grow out of it." The parents are with the child every day. They may see odd behaviors and quirks that are signs of neurological or adoption-related issues that extended family members do not see.

 

Let them handle their adoption the way they want without your opinion, unless they ask you for it. My MIL often tells us that she doesn't believe in how open we are with our son about his adoption. It bothers her a great deal. While that's been noted, it's not HER adoption, it's HIS adoption, and as his parents we believe in having an open, honest, up-front relationship with our son. We never want him to be afraid to ask us anything about his biological parents, and our hope is that if we treat his adoption as a normal, everyday thing, he will view it that way.

 

Also, tell them you support whatever decision they make. If they decide to adopt, ask them questions about their adoption. The process can take a long time and there can be a lot of frustration along the way. Let them know you are available to listen if they're frustrated and need to talk.

Edited January 19, 2011 by jujsky

[Heather in Neverland]

Reputable adoption agency with people you can see in person. We have adopted internationally twice (I have two friends that went through failed domestic adoptions and I refused to risk it so we chose international).

 

Choosing which country is VERY important as some have better programs than others.

[shinyhappypeople]

I'd encourage you to read the post about positive adoption language. Negative words about adoption were my #1 pet peeve through our adoption processes.

 

This.

 

I have one homegrown and one adopted.

 

I wish some of my family members would have done a bit of reading about adoption. It would have been nice to be able to have an intelligent conversation about it without having to define terms or correct misinformation in every other sentence.

 

Overall, the best thing they did was just loving and accepting our DD immediately. She was never "the adopted niece" or "the adopted grandchild." She was just plain LOVED from day one. When you love my child, you are showing love to me. So, their love for DD flowed right into MY heart. :)

 

If part of your reservation relates to your personal experiences with adoption, esp. as someone who was adopted or as a parent who placed a child, perhaps it'd be a good thing to focus on working through those feelings with someone who understands and can help.

[Skyline]

Thank you for your answers. It looks like I have some reading to do. Two of my cousins were adopted and it never crossed my mind that anyone would see them as less then biological family. Any adopted child would be my niece or nephew period. No ‘adopted niece’ vs ‘real or biological niece’.

 

She was looking into adopting from Brazil last time I talked to her.

 

I do apologize. I was being intentional vague as I didn’t want this to become a discussion about my sister and brother in-law but rather how I could support them through the adoption process and after.

 

Truthfully, I do not like my brother in law very much. Now don’t get me wrong he is not a bad guy by any means, perhaps a tad arrogant and entitled, but our personalities clash terribly. I would hate for my personal bias to influence your answer.

 

My concern is that my sister does not truly understand some of the difficulties she will be facing. She is a very opinionated person and does not do well when someone challenges her. She seems to believe that the training she received for her education degree has prepared her for dealing with any problem a child may have. I, on the other hand, respectfully disagree with that assessment.

 

When I was a younger I spent a lot of time working with a friend of the family who was a foster parent and believe me I got an education. My sister on the other hand never did this and the bulk of her contact with our friend’s foster sons was with the one who was a close friend of my younger brother. He had none of the violent or aggressive behaviours that some of the other boys did and because of this I’m concerned she has, perhaps, an idealist image of adoption.

 

Unfortunately my sister refuses to listen to my concerns or those of our parents claiming that we just do not believe in her or support her. Because I cannot influence her decision I want to at least be as supportive and helpful as possible.

[alpidarkomama]

My concern is that my sister does not truly understand some of the difficulties she will be facing. She is a very opinionated person and does not do well when someone challenges her. She seems to believe that the training she received for her education degree has prepared her for dealing with any problem a child may have. I, on the other hand, respectfully disagree with that assessment.

 

There may not necessarily be difficulties, but it is good to read as much as possible and talk to a number of adoptive families and be as prepared as one can.

 

My husband's step-mother (an educational therapist) tried her hardest to convince us not to adopt and we thanked her for her advice many times before telling her we had thought about what she had said and to please drop it. She did not! She said we were not financially able to provide all the therapy and intervention an adopted child would be sure to need (let alone the TWO we were adopting!), and that we just couldn't possibly prepare ourselves for it. We told her that she needed to leave the topic alone or it would be difficult to continue having conversations with her. She would continue to harangue us at every conversation, so sadly the relationship pretty much ended.

 

And our two sweetie pies from Ethiopia have been the yummiest children. Yes, initial bonding was fairly intense, but nothing we were not prepared for. Now, 2-1/2 years later, it's really as if all of our children were adopted - right from heaven - and you really can't tell the difference in terms of emotional closeness between our two bio kids and our two adopted kids. I don't know when/if we'll ever hear from DH's father and stepmother again, but they are very much the ones losing out in this situation. Very, very sad.

 

So, I think it is fine when someone offers advice, but I think it is really NOT nice when that person can't stop offering it, and actually becomes offended like she did that we would not act on it and stop the adoptions. :glare:

 

So... just tread lightly. :)

[TheReader]

Thank you for your answers. It looks like I have some reading to do. Two of my cousins were adopted and it never crossed my mind that anyone would see them as less then biological family. Any adopted child would be my niece or nephew period. No ‘adopted niece’ vs ‘real or biological niece’.

 

She was looking into adopting from Brazil last time I talked to her.

 

I do apologize. I was being intentional vague as I didn’t want this to become a discussion about my sister and brother in-law but rather how I could support them through the adoption process and after.

 

Truthfully, I do not like my brother in law very much. Now don’t get me wrong he is not a bad guy by any means, perhaps a tad arrogant and entitled, but our personalities clash terribly. I would hate for my personal bias to influence your answer.

 

My concern is that my sister does not truly understand some of the difficulties she will be facing. She is a very opinionated person and does not do well when someone challenges her. She seems to believe that the training she received for her education degree has prepared her for dealing with any problem a child may have. I, on the other hand, respectfully disagree with that assessment.

 

When I was a younger I spent a lot of time working with a friend of the family who was a foster parent and believe me I got an education. My sister on the other hand never did this and the bulk of her contact with our friend’s foster sons was with the one who was a close friend of my younger brother. He had none of the violent or aggressive behaviours that some of the other boys did and because of this I’m concerned she has, perhaps, an idealist image of adoption.

 

Unfortunately my sister refuses to listen to my concerns or those of our parents claiming that we just do not believe in her or support her. Because I cannot influence her decision I want to at least be as supportive and helpful as possible.

 

Encourage her to really research this in depth. It is exceptionally hard for an American (or any non-Brazilian) to adopt from Brazil, last I checked.

 

Brazil is very protective of the children available for adoption being adopted by Brazilians &/or those who live in-country. Even living here, we would need a Permanent Residency status before being allowed to adopt from here.

 

Unless they've changed that recently, it is unlikely your sister will be able to adopt from Brazil.

 

*note: I've not looked into it in-depth in the past 6 or 8 months, so things could be different now. Just a head's up, in case.

[DawnM]

Honestly, this is why we didn't tell anyone in the family until we were VERY FAR into the process.....everyone has varying opinions on this and will give their .02 even if they really don't know that much about it.

 

Dawn

[ZooRho]

Thanks for clarifying. I was trying to see if we could calm your fears. but it seems you have an understanding, but it is more a personality thing.

 

I will say I don't think there is much you can do to "help" her. And it could be two things, either she really is in denial about possible issues OR she knows it and understands the issues but doesn't really want to discuss them with others.

 

*my side note on that. We were going to be missionaries in Zimbabwee back in 2001-lots of huge issues with white/black issues- we knew it, read lots, but we were not discouraged, We had friends who were about to go insane on us and our decision to move forward, they felt we weren't getting it, etc. We knew, but we were trusting God had called and would take care of us. We ended up with our org in a different place anyway.*

 

so for now then just be encouraging. maybe look for other blogs or other things, books etc to talk to her about. Let her be the one that is more open to the talking rather than you always bringing it up.

 

 

AND don't ever say I told you so, even if she deserves it. ;)

 

Just be there ready to listen, support and care. Even if things get hard and difficult and impossible for them.

 

along with our 2 adoptions, we had a disrupted adoption, that to this day affects our family.

 

 

Thank you for your answers. It looks like I have some reading to do. Two of my cousins were adopted and it never crossed my mind that anyone would see them as less then biological family. Any adopted child would be my niece or nephew period. No ‘adopted niece’ vs ‘real or biological niece’.

 

I do apologize. I was being intentional vague as I didn’t want this to become a discussion about my sister and brother in-law but rather how I could support them through the adoption process and after.

 

Truthfully, I do not like my brother in law very much. Now don’t get me wrong he is not a bad guy by any means, perhaps a tad arrogant and entitled, but our personalities clash terribly. I would hate for my personal bias to influence your answer.

 

My concern is that my sister does not truly understand some of the difficulties she will be facing. She is a very opinionated person and does not do well when someone challenges her. She seems to believe that the training she received for her education degree has prepared her for dealing with any problem a child may have. I, on the other hand, respectfully disagree with that assessment.

 

When I was a younger I spent a lot of time working with a friend of the family who was a foster parent and believe me I got an education. My sister on the other hand never did this and the bulk of her contact with our friend’s foster sons was with the one who was a close friend of my younger brother. He had none of the violent or aggressive behaviours that some of the other boys did and because of this I’m concerned she has, perhaps, an idealist image of adoption.

 

Unfortunately my sister refuses to listen to my concerns or those of our parents claiming that we just do not believe in her or support her. Because I cannot influence her decision I want to at least be as supportive and helpful as possible.

[Murmer]

Thank you for your answers. It looks like I have some reading to do. Two of my cousins were adopted and it never crossed my mind that anyone would see them as less then biological family. Any adopted child would be my niece or nephew period. No ‘adopted niece’ vs ‘real or biological niece’.

 

She was looking into adopting from Brazil last time I talked to her.

 

I do apologize. I was being intentional vague as I didn’t want this to become a discussion about my sister and brother in-law but rather how I could support them through the adoption process and after.

 

Truthfully, I do not like my brother in law very much. Now don’t get me wrong he is not a bad guy by any means, perhaps a tad arrogant and entitled, but our personalities clash terribly. I would hate for my personal bias to influence your answer.

 

My concern is that my sister does not truly understand some of the difficulties she will be facing. She is a very opinionated person and does not do well when someone challenges her. She seems to believe that the training she received for her education degree has prepared her for dealing with any problem a child may have. I, on the other hand, respectfully disagree with that assessment.

 

When I was a younger I spent a lot of time working with a friend of the family who was a foster parent and believe me I got an education. My sister on the other hand never did this and the bulk of her contact with our friend’s foster sons was with the one who was a close friend of my younger brother. He had none of the violent or aggressive behaviours that some of the other boys did and because of this I’m concerned she has, perhaps, an idealist image of adoption.

 

Unfortunately my sister refuses to listen to my concerns or those of our parents claiming that we just do not believe in her or support her. Because I cannot influence her decision I want to at least be as supportive and helpful as possible.

 

Just a quick thought on this...many people go into adoption without knowing everything. A good adoption/homestudy agency will make sure they get the training they need for a successfully adoption, hopefully this would include special needs, transracial adoption, and openness. That said I went into my dd's adoption not knowing everything and have really come to learn a lot just living life just like any other mom. I would say that it might help if you gifted them a book or two like the Open Adoption Experience or one on international adoption with a super supportive message and then offer to read it when they are done so that you are educated too. I know one of the best things my family has done is read some of my books on racial development and open adoption so that I don't have to keep telling them everything.

[Dobela]

I am going to turn the tables on you a bit. Some of your questions, while genuine, are naive and offensive to me as an adoptive parent. Some of them are, well, immature in a way IMO.

 

Adoption is a very long process. What you set out thinking will happen, and what actually does can often be very different. Our first adoption was private and happened quickly. Our second adoption was domestic foster care that took 5 years - and we actually started out doing the dossier and paperwork for an international adoption from Haiti when we began the processs the second time. We ended up with a newborninfant instead of the toddler or older that we originally started applying for. So yea, she may be saying Brazil now. Smile, say how nice, let her know you are praying for them to be connected with the right child for their family, and when they change their mind on country, age, sex, number of children,(and sometimes this happens several times in the process as laws, regulations, agency connections change, etc) Keep encouraging them. It is a frustrating process. And unless you have been thru the process, it is best for you to not give unsolicited advice.

 

The initial paperwork is sometimes called the 9month paper pregnancy because it can take that long to get back the references, background checks, write autobiographies, and more for the homestudy. Our first one is the size of a small book. It grew with each additional update.

 

Just because you don't like the man doesn't mean he will be a bad father. His personality may be perfect for the child(ren) that come into their family. I know you are trying to be honest and open, but say he had a voice in your being pregnant based on how well you got along with him. That is no more right, IMO, than the judgement you are trying to pass on him.

 

Not all children come with loads of problems. Most don't actually. I have seen happy healthy infants born than go on to have major medical issues. I have seen other infants, like my dd, live when they should have died at birth and go on to become amazingly healthy wonderful children. Not all children have RAD, and of those that do, not all are serial killers. Most can be healed and helped with time, love, stability, and hope. Not all children with RAD are older - I have seen infants with RAD, and I have seen older children without RAD. But then again, when someone becomes pregnant, there are no promises or guarantees that the biological child will be perfectly healthy always and never have a behavioral or mental health issues.

 

We very much knew about potential issues as adoptive parents. A lot of that is because we used a reputable agency that required lots of training of potential adoptive parents. What we tired of hearing was people only wanting to talk about the negatives of adoption - the absolute horror stories or a friends cousin's friend. Yes, we were terrified of the potential bad. We didn't need to hear about that. We were constantly being asked if we would accept a child with this disorder or that disease and if was painful to turn children down when we wanted on so badly. What we needed to hear was that friends were praying for us, the child, and for the best possible scenario to work out.

 

Oh, I also tired of hearing the stories of other women who adopted and then got pregnant. Adoption is not a consolation prize for infertility nor it is some magic fertility pill.

 

You say your sister doesn't understand the difficulties she will be facing. Honestly, did you fully understand everything that was involved in being a parent before you became one? Have you never needed advice because you already knew it all? Were there days that were difficult? Have you ever struggled? Or has it all been perfect bliss because they are your biological children? Raising children that you have adopted brings about different questions than biological children at times - the where did I come from and why did you adopt me ones that are hard to answer at times. Because my children are a different color than us we do get more questions and stares at times, but I wouldn't say that our life is so much more difficult than a couple that has not adopted transracially that no one should do it. Most of my parenting struggles have been the same struggles as other parents - potty training, getting them to do their chores, eating healthy foods...

 

As far as your sister's background in education and her training, I will agree some what with her. I don't know her exact area of expertise, but mine was special education. When we entered adoption, I knew more about lots of things than did many of the other parents in our classes. I'm not bragging but I had at least been introduced to many types of disorders, treatments, behavioral plans, psychology, and so on that many people had never heard of. I was by no means an expert, but I was also by no means totally naive or uneducated about what was out there, and how it effected children and their families.

 

Adoption is a roller coaster emotionally. To adopt 2 children, we had 4 other adoption attempts fail. Those are miscarriages. The first was a beautiful baby boy that the biological mother decided to give to someone elsethe morning he was born. We were so thankful that we had not told anyone about him because we didn't want to hear stories of 'well, maybe God thinks one child is enough for you'. The next failed adoption was of another baby. One month before she was born, the biological mother dropped out of sight, then gave the child to another family with another agency. The last failed adoption involved 2 precious girls - age 4 and 5, that we brought into our home joyfully after talking with counselors, social workers, former foster parents, teachers. And then after bringing them into our home we found we had been lied to and bother had severe RAD.

 

Domestic adoption has struggles and hurdles. There are no guarantees. International has different struggles and hurdles. There are no guarantees.

 

I think you can give your sister a hug, tell her you love her, and then give a huge benefit yard sale to help pay for the adoption.

[Skyline]

Thank you everyone for your advice.

 

And you are right looking back on my post I do see how I came across as judgmental. I appolagise for that and will try to become more open minded and less judgmental.

 

I do feel I need to defend myself on here and this is why my first post of so vague. My sister told me of their intent to adopt and expressed my concern ONCE, she gave her side and I backed down and have not nor will I again bring it up. In hindsight, perhaps, I should not have brought it up at all but I can not change the past.

 

As I said my issues with my brother in law are a personality clash not an issue with him but more of an issue with me. I do not believe he will be a poor good father and would certainly not try to prevent them adopting for that reason.

 

I really just want to know what the process will entail and how I can best support my family through this.

[KrissiK]

I didn't want to quote everything Dobela said, but she is spot on.

 

Regarding the process: Yes, it can be very long and very frusrating. But it is different for every single person who adopts. Really. Every situation is different. We have lots of friends who've adopted and every one has a different story, a different relationship (if any) with birth-parents. Our own children's stories are different. Our boys were a very easy process through DCFS, our daughter was a safe surrender baby, which was the easiest way to adopt there is, but it almost never happens. But, we want to adopt again and we've been waiting for 3 1/2 years now.

 

I also agree that not all children have issues. None of my children had the ideal intra-womb experience (I won't go into all the details), but they are all extremely healthy, moderately bright, cheerful and good kids. No problems here.

 

There is no typical adoption and people who are expecting it to be a certain way have never done it before because even though there may be a basic "set method" for adoption, every situation is different. You just cannot have expectations. You have to deal with each event as it comes. Things that you think you are totally prepared for never happen, and some things that happen you are totally unprepared for. THat's just the way it is.

 

One thing that I have learned in my life with friends and family is that unless they are doing something illegal or immoral, you just need to suck it up, put away your personal feelings and love and support them. Because that's what family does.

[Dobela]

Thank you everyone for your advice.

 

And you are right looking back on my post I do see how I came across as judgmental. I appolagise for that and will try to become more open minded and less judgmental.

 

I do feel I need to defend myself on here and this is why my first post of so vague. My sister told me of their intent to adopt and expressed my concern ONCE, she gave her side and I backed down and have not nor will I again bring it up. In hindsight, perhaps, I should not have brought it up at all but I can not change the past.

 

As I said my issues with my brother in law are a personality clash not an issue with him but more of an issue with me. I do not believe he will be a poor good father and would certainly not try to prevent them adopting for that reason.

 

I really just want to know what the process will entail and how I can best support my family through this.

Go to the library and check out books on adoption. There is a great magazine available at bookstores simply called Adoption. Tapestry.com has great books available. There is a website called adoption.org with discussion boards you can read. Those are the most emotionally draining ones for me honestly because there are groups of angry adoptees that hate having been adopted and speak loudly against it. There are also families hurting and begging for children to adopt. And then there are lots of good information and places to learn. Rainbowkids is a great international adoption photolisting and discussion area.

 

KrissiK is right, no adoption is ever like another. My son's and my daughters adoptions are like night and day. One did not prepare me for the other. There are general things that are supposed to happen, and general timelines that must be followed but those vary from state to state, and sometimes from agency to agency. How long a birthmother has before changing her mind is determined by the state the baby is born in - it can be no time to 6 months. That is part of the reason so many want international adoption. Finding a good agency is key. The one we used for our son made a mess of his adoption but we made it thru naively. Just 2 years ago that agency, considered one of the best in our state, was shut down for fraud and mismanagement of client money. Oh, but they looked good.

 

We had to provide names and address for 5 nonrelatives to be references, Then we had to give 5 family members. Then our employers. Since we used a Christian agency the first time, we had to have 5 references from our church including leaders. The references were not brief - they were very time consumming for them to fill out.

 

For our portion of our homestudy we had to detail our lives - the good, bad, and ugly of us, our parents, our siblings, our religion, how we expect to discipline, educate, provide financially ...

 

Adoption is going to cost thousands of dollars to bring home a child. We spent $1000 ordering multiple certified copies of our birth certificates, marriage licenses, medical records, going for medical evals, psych evals, background checks, special classes, and more. That is before we ever discussed what kind of child we thought we could parent. Some agencies now expect all money in advance. And, if for some reason that adoption falls thru - then you just lose the money. Others might let you move a portion of that money to another adoption. And you get to start all over again. We have friends that lost $32,000 that way.

 

Paperwork gets lost. Everytime you go over the one year mark on the homestudy, portions of it have to be redone - and those usually cost money.

 

And then somewhere, months or years later, you finalize this adoption, and this child becomes yours and it was worth all the hassle. So much so, you want to do it again.

[Dobela]

You also didn't mention why your sister is considering adoption. If it is due to infertility, that may be a huge reason why she is so defensive. When I was struggling with infertility there were many times I felt less of a woman somehow. I had people make all kinds of not so helpful remarks - like maybe I needed to try harder, or lose weight, or get rid of extra sin in my life. It was very gut wrenching and I was personally left emotionally raw. Then, when we decided to adopt, more well meaning people made comments like you did - innocent, off the hip, first reactions that were really painful to hear as well. We didn't want to know all the bad things, all the reasons why we wouldn't want to adopt and such. We just wanted someone to hold our hands and love us down what felt like a very lonely road.

[MotherMayI]

I am going to turn the tables on you a bit. Some of your questions, while genuine, are naive and offensive to me as an adoptive parent. Some of them are, well, immature in a way IMO.

 

Adoption is a very long process. What you set out thinking will happen, and what actually does can often be very different. Our first adoption was private and happened quickly. Our second adoption was domestic foster care that took 5 years - and we actually started out doing the dossier and paperwork for an international adoption from Haiti when we began the processs the second time. We ended up with a newborninfant instead of the toddler or older that we originally started applying for. So yea, she may be saying Brazil now. Smile, say how nice, let her know you are praying for them to be connected with the right child for their family, and when they change their mind on country, age, sex, number of children,(and sometimes this happens several times in the process as laws, regulations, agency connections change, etc) Keep encouraging them. It is a frustrating process. And unless you have been thru the process, it is best for you to not give unsolicited advice.

 

The initial paperwork is sometimes called the 9month paper pregnancy because it can take that long to get back the references, background checks, write autobiographies, and more for the homestudy. Our first one is the size of a small book. It grew with each additional update.

 

Just because you don't like the man doesn't mean he will be a bad father. His personality may be perfect for the child(ren) that come into their family. I know you are trying to be honest and open, but say he had a voice in your being pregnant based on how well you got along with him. That is no more right, IMO, than the judgement you are trying to pass on him.

 

Not all children come with loads of problems. Most don't actually. I have seen happy healthy infants born than go on to have major medical issues. I have seen other infants, like my dd, live when they should have died at birth and go on to become amazingly healthy wonderful children. Not all children have RAD, and of those that do, not all are serial killers. Most can be healed and helped with time, love, stability, and hope. Not all children with RAD are older - I have seen infants with RAD, and I have seen older children without RAD. But then again, when someone becomes pregnant, there are no promises or guarantees that the biological child will be perfectly healthy always and never have a behavioral or mental health issues.

 

We very much knew about potential issues as adoptive parents. A lot of that is because we used a reputable agency that required lots of training of potential adoptive parents. What we tired of hearing was people only wanting to talk about the negatives of adoption - the absolute horror stories or a friends cousin's friend. Yes, we were terrified of the potential bad. We didn't need to hear about that. We were constantly being asked if we would accept a child with this disorder or that disease and if was painful to turn children down when we wanted on so badly. What we needed to hear was that friends were praying for us, the child, and for the best possible scenario to work out.

 

Oh, I also tired of hearing the stories of other women who adopted and then got pregnant. Adoption is not a consolation prize for infertility nor it is some magic fertility pill.

 

You say your sister doesn't understand the difficulties she will be facing. Honestly, did you fully understand everything that was involved in being a parent before you became one? Have you never needed advice because you already knew it all? Were there days that were difficult? Have you ever struggled? Or has it all been perfect bliss because they are your biological children? Raising children that you have adopted brings about different questions than biological children at times - the where did I come from and why did you adopt me ones that are hard to answer at times. Because my children are a different color than us we do get more questions and stares at times, but I wouldn't say that our life is so much more difficult than a couple that has not adopted transracially that no one should do it. Most of my parenting struggles have been the same struggles as other parents - potty training, getting them to do their chores, eating healthy foods...

 

As far as your sister's background in education and her training, I will agree some what with her. I don't know her exact area of expertise, but mine was special education. When we entered adoption, I knew more about lots of things than did many of the other parents in our classes. I'm not bragging but I had at least been introduced to many types of disorders, treatments, behavioral plans, psychology, and so on that many people had never heard of. I was by no means an expert, but I was also by no means totally naive or uneducated about what was out there, and how it effected children and their families.

 

Adoption is a roller coaster emotionally. To adopt 2 children, we had 4 other adoption attempts fail. Those are miscarriages. The first was a beautiful baby boy that the biological mother decided to give to someone elsethe morning he was born. We were so thankful that we had not told anyone about him because we didn't want to hear stories of 'well, maybe God thinks one child is enough for you'. The next failed adoption was of another baby. One month before she was born, the biological mother dropped out of sight, then gave the child to another family with another agency. The last failed adoption involved 2 precious girls - age 4 and 5, that we brought into our home joyfully after talking with counselors, social workers, former foster parents, teachers. And then after bringing them into our home we found we had been lied to and bother had severe RAD.

 

Domestic adoption has struggles and hurdles. There are no guarantees. International has different struggles and hurdles. There are no guarantees.

 

I think you can give your sister a hug, tell her you love her, and then give a huge benefit yard sale to help pay for the adoption.

 

:iagree: (and I am a certified Special Education teacher too!)...We adopted through the foster system. Our daughter came home at 1 day old. She has been pure joy. She will be 3 in February. There are no guarantees on biological children either.

[jujsky]

You also didn't mention why your sister is considering adoption. If it is due to infertility, that may be a huge reason why she is so defensive. When I was struggling with infertility there were many times I felt less of a woman somehow. I had people make all kinds of not so helpful remarks - like maybe I needed to try harder, or lose weight, or get rid of extra sin in my life. It was very gut wrenching and I was personally left emotionally raw. Then, when we decided to adopt, more well meaning people made comments like you did - innocent, off the hip, first reactions that were really painful to hear as well. We didn't want to know all the bad things, all the reasons why we wouldn't want to adopt and such. We just wanted someone to hold our hands and love us down what felt like a very lonely road.

 

:iagree: I experienced similar things too.

 

Read as much as you can about adoption and listen to them without judgment. That's the best thing you can possibly do. If this adoption is due to infertility, throw your sister a baby-shower once she's home with the baby. She deserves to do all the usual "mom stuff."

[hana]

 

Just be there ready to listen, support and care. Even if things get hard and difficult and impossible for them.

 

 

 

 

:iagree:

[Guest esmusgrove]

Adoption is a great way to add to your family. We have one biological child, and one adopted. Find an agency you trust, decide if you want open, closed or a variation of the two. It is important if the family lives near relatives, that they are supportive because you do not want any children treated differently, especially if they are of another race, as my daughter is.