Moms with less than perfect birth stories

[JennifersLost]

Warning - this post not for the faint of heart. Serious whining ahead.

 

 

What have you done to get "over" that part?

 

Every March and April I fall into a funk. All three of my boys' birthdays fall in that period and inevitably I think back to when they were born and...yuck. In a nutshell:

 

Baby #1: 72 hour hard labor - about 56 of that drug-free because it was so important to my ex. The nurses and doctors staged an intervention at about hour 54 when my ex finally brought me back to the hospital shaking from dehydration, no sleep, and lack of food. They forced my ex from the room and confronted me about abuse but I talked our way out of that and let them knock me out. A day later I had the baby. (When I look back at the years with my ex I can't believe how many strangers saw exactly what was happening and tried to "save" me along the way, and that I never understood all I had to do was accept their help.)

 

Baby #2: 21 hour labor - this time we used a midwife at a birth center so "no one would be pushing interventions". This was the woman who told me that if my two year old wasn't behaving it was because "I wasn't beating him hard enough." Two great lines from her during that birth: "Shut up - you're having a baby - it's supposed to hurt!" And about four hours after my ds was born, "Wake up and get dressed! This isn't a hotel!" On the way home my ex and I had an ugly fight because I wouldn't drive two hours to pick up his friend at the train station while he was at work that day. (I wasn't supposed to drive for two weeks).

 

Baby #3: 4 hour home birth. A beautiful, beautiful birth as long as I only focus on me and the baby. Of course my ex and I had just broken up 10 days earlier and he was moving out, but he wanted to be at the birth and so did HIS MOTHER, who came and stayed with us for a week and complained bitterly about my lousy housekeeping the whole time. "She never was very good at housework was she?" That night I looked in my newborn's eyes and knew I was finally free and I thanked God for that, but I also "knew" I would be alone for the rest of my life (who would date a woman with three kids including a newborn?) and I couldn't believe that that was all there was for me.

 

I know many, many women on this board have overcome huge difficulties in their pasts. I focus on the present and I try to celebrate it, but what happens around the boys' birthdays is that I know my ex is going to call and want to talk to them. Just hearing his voice, even on the answering machine, makes it all so present again.

 

I've thought of "re-writing" my births from scratch. Just making up new stories, LOL, but that seems like starting on a slippery slope to losing grip on reality. I tell the kids the facts about their births -it took this long, here's where you were born, etc - without any of the rest, but....

 

I don't know. Any suggestions?

[Barb_]

I don't know. Any suggestions?

 

Jennifer, I don't think it's the birthstories themselves that are so bad, but the cycle of abuse that you were enduring at this point in your life that your kids' birthdays indirectly dredge back up (and I include the midwife in that statement). Sort of like dealing with the death of a close friend or relative at the same time you're giving birth. Pretty hard to rejoice and grieve at the same time.

 

Barb

[Aubrey]

Oh, Jennifer.

 

I was just thinking rewrite it, when I got to the part that mentioned why that might be a problem. And I think you're right...it might.

 

I want to say focus on the good parts, but...from what you've written, that wouldn't be much.

 

I had a difficult childhood. Not as bad as some...but... when the dc ask me to tell a story about when I was little...it's not fun, kwim? I have to work really hard to think of something pleasant, &...it makes me tired, lol.

 

So one night, I told dd about when I used to be a princess. She said, "Really?" And I went on. It was kind-of fun, refreshing.

 

So this morning she brought me a pillow from my bedroom & asked where we got it. I told her, "Walmart." She said, "Oh. I thought it was from when you were a princess."

 

It made me smile. It's outlandish enough that I'm not liable to forget that I wasn't really a princess :p, but at the same time...it deals w/ their questions & it's comforting.

 

I doubt that helps you at all, but I feel for you. My mom was abused as a child, & while she remembers & talks about that, I'm afraid she's rewritten some parts of her life in such a way that she can't distinguish reality completely any more. I've had close-up personal experience, not w/ exactly what you're talking about, but...ballpark. :grouphug: Wish I could *really* help.

[Aubrey]

Jennifer, I don't think it's the birthstories themselves that are so bad, but the cycle of abuse that you were enduring at this point in your life that your kids' birthdays indirectly dredge back up (and I include the midwife in that statement). Sort of like dealing with the death of a close friend or relative at the same time you're giving birth. Pretty hard to rejoice and grieve at the same time.

 

Barb

 

I'm sorry, Barb. I disagree.

 

Can you imagine being forced to labor long enough that you get to the point of dehydration? Or having a mw tell you to shut up & get out?

 

I imagine memories like that could be pretty tender for a really long time, & I'd hate to underestimate their pain, but I do agree w/ what you've said about the difficulty of rejoicing & grieving at the same time.

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

I don't think it's the birthstories themselves that are so bad, but the cycle of abuse

 

I think that's right on. I had pretty bad birth stories. In another century, I'd be dead with the first one, and if by miracle I had survived, the second one would have killed me for sure.

 

Yet I don't associate bad memories to the bad birth stories. In fact, I'm sorta proud of them, in a sorta sick way... But it's mainly because I was surrounded by love when they happened.

 

My sister had her first birth story similar to yours. 72 hours of labour, major dehydration, but there was no abuse. In fact, she enjoyed her baby so much, she was pregnant again within months. :001_huh:

[Aubrey]

Ok, I'm totally hogging your thread, but I had another thought.

 

Have you read Woman Warrior? It's an autobiography by Maxine Hong Kingston, but it's written like fiction. I'd describe it as...a creative interpretation of one's life.

 

Anyway, you could use the same approach. Remember the woman who fought...hm...some battle...I think it was in Tx...anyway, she stopped to give birth, then picked up her gun & started shooting again. My hist prof lauded her as strong, amazing, a real American hero, etc. (All I could think was, gee, I really wouldn't have enjoyed that!)

 

So what if you reinterpret your birth stories. Instead of painting yourself as the victim (not that you weren't), look at the strength & heroism you displayed, bringing these wonderful children into the world, standing between them & the awful ex, the witchy mw (erm, the evil-witchy kind, 'k?), the rhymes-w-witchy mil. YOU ARE THE HERO!! Given such obstacles, what woman wouldn't want to overcome like you have?

 

How's that? Am I helping yet? If not, take it in the spirit it's intended. I *wish* helpfulness at you. Poof.

[Barb_]

I'm sorry, Barb. I disagree.

 

Can you imagine being forced to labor long enough that you get to the point of dehydration? Or having a mw tell you to shut up & get out?

 

I imagine memories like that could be pretty tender for a really long time, & I'd hate to underestimate their pain, but I do agree w/ what you've said about the difficulty of rejoicing & grieving at the same time.

 

We may be saying something similar. The two things you mentioned above go back to the themes of powerlessness and abuse she was suffering under the hands of her ex, and then her midwife. To me, this is different than a birth experience that is less than stellar because of an emergency or just general intervention that leads to an emergency. I had a horror of a first birth that I swear gave me PTSD symptoms. Yet, I couldn't think of a reasonably apt thing to say since Jennifer's circumstances were so different. Just thought I'd go down a bunny trail to see if there was anything interesting down there :)

 

Barb

 

ETA: I realize now that my poor wording was the reason for the confusion. Instead of saying, "I don't think the birthstories themselves that are so bad..." I could have chosen my words more carefully. What I meant to say was something along the lines of, "while the circumstances of the birth were traumatic, they happened because of the larger themes of abuse you were experiencing at that time." I'm sorry, Jennifer if I diminished your experiences in any way.

[Ohio12]

mine were pretty bad too. and I had people telling me it was my fault. if I think about it too much, or compare it to others, I can get upset, but nothing like what you are saying. I am able to almost completely get over it and be glad that my babies and I are alive..(which we would not have been 100 years ago). so I think it is probably the other horrible life circumstances that are haunting you more than the births. I feel terrible for you and really hope you can find peace with all of it someday. Have you been to counseling at all?

[Aubrey]

We may be saying something similar. The two things you mentioned above go back to the themes of powerlessness and abuse she was suffering under the hands of her ex, and then her midwife. To me, this is different than a birth experience that is less than stellar because of an emergency or just general intervention that leads to an emergency. I had a horror of a first birth that I swear gave me PTSD symptoms. Yet, I couldn't think of a reasonably apt thing to say since Jennifer's circumstances were so different. Just thought I'd go down a bunny trail to see if there was anything interesting down there :)

 

Barb

 

Oh, I see. I just read what you wrote & imagined my jaw dropping if it were me. I read Jennifer's birth stories, & my heart just aches for her; I hadn't really stopped to think about the lack of intervention separate from the experience itself.

 

In the end, though...I imagine I'd rather have had all kinds of interventions w/ a supportive dh & mw, etc. Their rallying & love, etc. would help heal the disappointment or stress, etc. of a less-than-ideal birth. Otoh, w/ a healthy birth...I guess I imagine that it's easy to think about how much better it could have been. Assuming the interventions were necessary, the *people* involved were not. Kwim?

 

ETA: Wait a minute--if you're going to edit yours, I'm going to edit mine! LOL Thanks for the clarification. I think you're right; we're saying the same thing. :)

[Barb_]

Oh, I see. I just read what you wrote & imagined my jaw dropping if it were me. I read Jennifer's birth stories, & my heart just aches for her; I hadn't really stopped to think about the lack of intervention separate from the experience itself.

 

In the end, though...I imagine I'd rather have had all kinds of interventions w/ a supportive dh & mw, etc. Their rallying & love, etc. would help heal the disappointment or stress, etc. of a less-than-ideal birth. Otoh, w/ a healthy birth...I guess I imagine that it's easy to think about how much better it could have been. Assuming the interventions were necessary, the *people* involved were not. Kwim?

 

Make sure to go back and read my ETA under the same post. Thanks for the opportunity to clarify :) Sometimes I forget you folks don't have ESP and the fingers get ahead of the brain

 

Barb

[JennifersLost]

LOL - I love you both and you're both helping. You're right - either re-write them dramatically - or rewrite them with me as the "hero". I've even done that before, I think, but it kind of slips away, because I don't see myself that way.

 

What's happening this year is that I'm finally facing all this head on in a way I haven't previously. I always saw my ex's behavior as stupid or ineffective or lazy - but I have had to realize that what happened during the births was an extension of something else going on - especially the first ones. He was trying to kill us (how dramatic is that, LOL?). Not by attacking me and maybe not even consciously, but by putting me in danger over and over again and being really slow to get me to the hospital when things went wrong. Remember when I was talking about how the boys don't want to talk to him anymore? That has made me try to look for the "truth" - is he just a jerk or is he really dangerous? You can't believe the ways he did everything that make that question hard to answer.

 

Anyway, gotta run - dinner's ready. Thank you so much for even being here to hear this. I can not take this to my family anymore.

[Cheryl in NM]

Here's mine, but it's really a piece of cake compared to yours!

 

I begged the doc to induce. I was 2 weeks over the doc's due date, but 2 days past mine. Still, my mom was induced with me, almost died with my brother. I was scared; I wanted that baby out! The doc finally came in to break my water after 3 hours on the drip. I shot fluid up his arm!:tongue_smilie: I don't remember much after that. I know the contractions were very painful. I remember watching the monitor and every contraction pegged the meter. When I checked in I told the nurse I was undecided about pain meds, but wanted to nurse the baby no matter what happened. At some point the nurse came into the room and put something in my IV. Apparently her and dh decided I needed pain meds. I only dialated to 10cm and that took 11 hours! They wouldn't do an epidural until 10cm so as the guy was doing the epidural they realized that with every contraction the babies heartbeat went down. So they decided to do any emergency C-section. The details are very foggy. I remember hearing the doc say "Oh my God!" and no baby crying. I kept asking what was wrong but no one would answer me. I finally heard the doc say, "Did you see that? He was looking right at me!". It took ds a long time to cry, I don't know his apgar. Apparently, babies delivered by Csection don't have their eyes open, but ds had his eyes open, looked at the doc and around the room! They let me see ds, but then whisk me away to recovery. Finally, they bring ds to me about an hour after delivery. There's a pacifier in his mouth and bottle in his crib. I reminded the nurse that I had wanted to nurse. She said it would be okay, he'll still nurse. Well, he wouldn't nurse. He never latched on, not once. The nurses were no help whatsoever and I knew no one that nursed to help me. I pumped for two weeks and supplemented his formula. When my milk turned pink though I had to stop; it was just too painful. I was so mad because I really wanted to nurse. I knew that ds would be my only child. I already had 2 steps and dh and I figured 3 was enough. I'm still mad about that to this day and ds is 11. When I see women nurse sometimes I just want to cry.

[Doran]

Adding to what Barb and Aubrey started, I agree that what you experience every March/April is not the result of the birth stories themselves but the result of what you were enduring at the time. But, I also think it goes beyond that. The three deliveries were fraught with sadness, yes, but the fact that each spring those same birthdays coincide with a call from your ex causes you to spiral into a depression. Clearly, Jennifer, you are still affected by all that happened TO YOU (not because of you) during the time you were married to him. You have said as much in other posts that have nothing to do with spring or birthdays. You still hide new clothes in your closet. You don't feel comfortable confronting a man whose behavior may be inappropriate. Your time with your Mr. Ick has made a deep and lasting impression on you, and I believe you still feel vulnerable. His voice triggers all those horrid feelings, and you anticipate that each year at this time. It's like your body is readying itself for the blow.

 

I'm not sure what you do to celebrate your kids' birthdays, but by way of a suggestion to help you move past the trigger every spring, I would like to invite you to create a new story - a real one - around their birthdays. What if you celebrated YOU in some way? You know, establish Jennifer's REbirthday around the same time of year? Perhaps that celebration could be a retreat alone for you one weekend during those two months when you could go and meditate, eat wonderful foods, share joy and peaceful times. Perhaps it could be a time when you and your dh go away just for a day and a night, spend hours gazing happily into each others' eyes, making love, dancing, and creating a happy memory. It strikes me that your work in this is to replace the power that the old stories have over you by substituting new energy, new triggers, ones that will crowd out the old, bad ones.

 

The birth stories are secondary, in my opinion. They are painful - most definitely - but the pain grows from what they represent, not from the actual experiences themselves. They represent the dreams lost during those years, the powerlessness you felt, any weakness you inadvertently attribute to yourself for what happened. The solution may lie in yet another direct attempt to remind your brain and your heart that you're not the same girl anymore.

 

 

(((Jennifer)))

[Janna]

Doran, I tried to give you positive rep, but it wouldn't let me. I just wanted to let you know that I love the way you support people here and the way you word things.

 

And Jennifer, all I can offer you is hugs. I have no words, but lots of sympathy. I'm so sorry for you. (((Jennifer)))

[Doran]

Thanks, Janna. That means a lot.

 

Hugs to you and that round belly. I wish I could pat it -- but..oh, wait..are you one of those personal space addicts like PariSarah? ;)

[jail warden]

The birth stories are secondary, in my opinion. They are painful - most definitely - but the pain grows from what they represent, not from the actual experiences themselves. They represent the dreams lost during those years, the powerlessness you felt, any weakness you inadvertently attribute to yourself for what happened.

 

 

:iagree: I had a terrible first birth, but I hold it like a badge of honor like Cleo talked about. My 2nd was pretty good. My 3rd was a c-section, planned, but still tough. During that time, my job was cut in half, we were adding on to our house and it was really tough. It's a family job, so I felt very betrayed, my brother did terrible things to our family. My dd is 2 and I found myself in tears the day before her b-day, so I know a tiny little bit how you feel(your abuse was way worse). It's the situation surrounding the birth that overshadows and makes all the bad parts stand out. I'm not sure how to change that, I'm working on it myself. I felt really bad last week that I couldn't feel ecstatic that my beautiful, sweet little dd was having a b-day. I'm relieved to know I'm not the only one who has these feelings. ((Jennifer)) I hope you feel better soon. Maybe write down all your old experiences and then rewrite them. Keep them somewhere if you're scared of blurring the lines of reality.

[Amy in Orlando]

Janna, I gave Doran a rep for you.

 

Jeniifer, I cannot imagine your "former life." I think Doran and Aubrey and all the others have given you some good suggestions.

 

I "rewrote" my life with my evil inlaws once we finally broke all ties with them and I have to say it was incredibly cathartic. It was a hard, but good exercise.

[JennifersLost]

Doran - the first time I read what you said about doing something for me I thought you were off base, and then I was typing a reply and realized you are totally on-base. One of the things I was going to write was that when it came down to it, during the space of time I was giving birth it should have been all about ME. As selfish as that sounds, everyone present should have been helping me. There was a birth going on, for crying out loud, LOL. Instead each of those stories became about him - he hijacked them all. So you're right - maybe coming up with something that is about me would help.

 

The other part is the realistic part. I've made excuses for him this entire time. I did not stand up for my babies like I should have. I did a lot - I got custody and I got his visits shortened and I made sure he never had them overnight, but I'm also facing how much he did get away with, even with them. I bought too long into the accidents and "need for discipline" and all of the rest of it.

 

And the thing that just kills me about all of this is how many times I didn't stand up for me or them. I didn't leave him - he left me. I didn't get the kids away from him - dh moved me to another country. How pathetic is that?

[Amy in Orlando]

:grouphug: You are not pathetic.

 

You did what you could when you could. Your kids are safe. You're done with excuses and you need to find a way to stop beating yourself up about what's past. You can't change it. You are a different person. You'll never allow yourself to be in that kind of situation again, nor will you allow your kids to go down that road.

 

:grouphug:

[Doran]

And the thing that just kills me about all of this is how many times I didn't stand up for me or them. I didn't leave him - he left me. I didn't get the kids away from him - dh moved me to another country. How pathetic is that?

 

 

This is where I want to wrap you in my arms and give you all the time you need to just feel loved. I would never call pathetic where you are, how far you've come, and what you've done with your life, especially your married life, from these beginnings. Maybe it feels better to try to shoulder some of the blame, to accuse yourself of being pathetic because you need to punish someone. But, gracious, Jennifer, it's not you who is pathetic!! Abuse breeds an environment which devoids the victim of self esteem, of power. That's how it works. That's why it's abuse!

 

Yes, a celebration of you is definitely in order. You're exactly right -- it should have been about you, and about those babies, not about whatever crazyness he had going on in his warped brain.

 

Grrrrr.

[JennifersLost]

God, Doran - can I tell you that every time the word "abuse" comes up in this thread I want to cringe and say "it wasn't really abuse".... Ugh. I constantly find the ways to excuse it all because it makes it far less frightening to think about and deal with. If I admit to myself that he actually did everything that he did, that he was actually a very smart man who knew exactly what he was doing....can you see how terrifying that is?

 

But it's true. He was a smart guy, because he also managed to steal money and conduct multiple affairs and deal drugs and a hundred other things while all of this was going on without me realizing it.

 

And I'm not stupid. Arrrrrrrgh! I keep wanting to show all of you my SAT scores, LOL. I'm not stupid. Really. Except I'm such a freaking idiot. Darn, my pride hurts worse than anything.......

 

All right - I've got friends coming over and I'm going to have a lovely evening, so don't worry about me. But thank you, thank you, thank you....

[Rose in BC]

I'm sorry you endured that trauma.

 

I kind of get the idea of re-writing history. Sometimes I would like to re-write the first four years of my boys lives given that we adopted them at the age of four. I often have to "pretend" or just imagine those years we missed. This was particularly painful for me while doing their scrapbooks. Fortunately we did get infant photos but I had to write my own captions (which are completely fictitious) based on what I think happened in the photos. And I wished I was there right from the start to protect them and love them. BUT, this was not an abusive situation (at least not for me). Re-writing abuse is difficult.

 

I'm not sure how one really gets over these events but I do know that you were not the pathetic one in the situation and that in life we do the best we can with the tools we have in the season of life we're in. Maybe it's true that what doesn't kill you can make you stronger? It is encouraging to see how your life as changed for the positive as a result of good decisions you have made to make those changes. (Okay that sounds like a mouthful.)

 

Enjoy your evening with your company.

[OnTheBrink]

Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer. I know just how you feel. Not about your birth stories, but about being an abused woman. I felt so STUPID after I threw EX out, thinking, "I became one of the very women I don't understand!" We aren't stupid; we're women. And we wanted to be loved, so, for whatever reason, we picked men unworthy of OUR love.

 

But you know what? We're OK! We aren't stupid and man, look at what we can give another woman who finds herself in our situation: comfort and understanding. We're not eternal victims left to wallow in the mire of self-pity, we're overcomers! We've learned from our mistakes and that doesn't make us stupid.

 

I'm sorry the circumstances surrounding the births of your children weren't great. Out of those circumstances came blessings: your three dc! Don't let their father continue to have power over you by allowing his voice on the machine pull you back in time to a time when you had no control. Every time you beat yourself up over that relationship, HE'S won. Every time you kick yourself for being married to an abuser, you're continuing the abuse on yourself! JUST STOP THAT, MISSY! ;) Every time one of your dc has a birthday, congratulate yourself for overcoming an abusive relationship, and praise yourself for now setting a healthy example for your dc to follow. Had your EX stayed, the chances of your sons following his example, or your daughters seeing his abuse as normal increased every day. Now, you have a fighting chance of breaking a cycle of abuse that your sons or daughters won't have to be a victim of themselves! YAY!

 

So, don't rewrite what happened. Let it be, and allow yourself to overcome the pain and allow it to make you a stronger woman. Prepare yourself in the winter time that spring is coming and that you know that you're prone to feeling badly. Put it on your calendar, even. Then, instead of falling into depression, consciously talk yourself into feeling empowered to change a course your EX had set and be thankful that your dc don't have to live in a home where they see abuse every single day. It'll feel funny and weird and odd at first, but do it. I know you can! :grouphug:

[lighthouseacademy]

Even the most intelligent of us have fallen to abuse... it is not that you are stupid. Those abuses do stay with us. It took me 5? years and lots of excuses and tears and a friend looking me in the eye and pointedly telling me the truth about somethings that happened to me really did happen and were not only not ok but were not my fault. There were something that were but the end results were NOT my fault...

 

I have had 3 babies born at home and all had their positives and negatives- I think all are like that. I also learned from all of them. I had a ridiculously pompous and know-it-all blooming idiot assisting the last birth (#3) and I wanted to scream at her stupid comments... but I choose to focus on the joyous moments instead and I feel better.

 

I have to agree not to re-write your birth story because you don't want to lie to yourself. You want to learn and grow and not ever be in the same situation again. You might find it helpful to work through the book Birthing from Within. It might help you to gain some power back. The fact that you birthed your children means you do have power. He did not take it from you. Don't allow that.

 

I do want to comment on your sadness that no one would ever want to be with you with 3 kids. I don't know you or your story except this thread, but I can tell you from experience that there are MANY amazing and wonderful men out there who would not be turned away from a woman with 3 kids. You are WORTH A LOT! You are worthy of love and kindness. You are worthy of happiness.

[JennifersLost]

Thanks again to all - this is why I come here. I know out of the number of women on this board SOMEONE will have gone through something similar.

 

Lighthouseacademy - yeah, the sadness about being alone didn't take too long to heal. I meant that on that day it looked like my future would be to be alone. Three months later I was dating again and never looked back, LOL.

 

The thing where you said you had a friend look you in the eye and tell you "Yes, those things did happen." That's what I'm dealing with now, and the struggle I'm having is that this is where ex was a bit of a genius. He had a way of doing awful things that were either "excusable" in the situation, or could be taken more than one way or he did them while he was so drunk/high that he wasn't responsible for his actions.....so even all these years later I'm trying to figure out what's "real" and what's not.

 

I have an irl friend who went through something similar and I keep calling her up and telling her all the situations in order so she can tell me, "Yep - that's what happened. That's what he did." But some of it is almost too over the top to be believed, so I keep second-guessing it.

 

I'm forcing myself to look at it hard because I need to break the cycle. I don't see any of my boys acting remotely like he does, so I think I've already done that. But because of everything I've read about divorce I've always thought it was important to support their relationship with him. I'm not going to do that anymore, because I'm finally going to admit how dangerous he is and that he's not good for any of them.

 

It's also giving me the impetus to face head-on the fact that I need to do more to set my daughter up for a good life. It's not enough to try to protect her - my parents did everything they could for me and I still fell for all of it. I think next year I'm going to start her in some martial arts class and probably take it with her.

[JennyB]

 

But you know what? We're OK! We aren't stupid and man, look at what we can give another woman who finds herself in our situation: comfort and understanding. We're not eternal victims left to wallow in the mire of self-pity, we're overcomers! We've learned from our mistakes and that doesn't make us stupid.

 

 

I needed these thoughts from you ladies today. Thanks to everyone for being willing to share their love, wisdom and experience. Jennifer, it takes such an amazing person to do what you have done. I find help from this sentence that I say to myself sometime. "Jenny, this (x,y,z) has happened to you what can I do, think, feel now" This puts ME back in control. Not the person or event. I haven't been quite where you have been so take this in the spirit that my heart was full with wanting to just reach through the computer screen and give you a great big hug. You are awesome and I have admired all the wisdom that you have shared through the years on this board. :grouphug: Hope you have enjoyed your company tonight and give those boys a great big hug. You worked hard to get them here.

[Whisperlily]

I learned a little about you today, Jennifer.

 

You have sure gone through a lot, and it's amazing how strong you are. I think you're getting some wonderful wisdom from these women here.

 

I do want to mention something... after reading along, I realized that what I was going to say doesn't really address the heart of the question you were asking, but it might be something worthwhile anyway.

 

When you talk to your children, and visualize the day of their births (separate from the events/emotions surrounding your life at the time) I think it is possible to pick and choose the moments you want to relate to your children, and that you want to sear into your own memory about their entry into the world.

 

I have some less than perfect birth stories, but mine weren't like yours. When I talk to my children, and remember their birth, I don't discuss the labor/delivery aspect with them, or really the events leading up to labor. It's not because I want to hide these things from them, but because what *they* want to know is about themselves.

 

I often mention the emotion I felt when I saw their eyes for the first time. I talk about how soft their baby skin was, and the way their hair smelled. I talk about the wonder I felt when seeing their tiny fingers, and how I counted their tiny toes. I talk about what it meant to me to hold THEM in my arms, and how glad I am that they came into my life.

 

You can relate how you wondered what they looked like, and how *even though* the circumstances around the labor and delivery were difficult, they were the one thing that was worth it. How they are the one bright spot in all that chaos.

 

If you focus on who *they* are and who they will become, maybe you can re-write the story as their individual beginning. The sparkle of their life/light coming into the world. It doesn't change the circumstances, but it changes the focus of their birth story.

 

The circumstances that surrounded their birth shouldn't be re-written... they are a part of your life. An important part that shaped who you are becoming. Something that you survived. But *when you are talking to that child about their own beginning* you can share the joy of their new life... and it isn't the same as rewriting history.

[JennifersLost]

Whisperlily, while I was reading your words I remembered one other nugget - my ex was a bear before, during and after the labor and births....but during the actual pushing/delivery part he shone.

 

The one positive thing my ex had in his life was sports. He was a national wrestling champion - the kind that's an olympic sport, not the tv kind. And he could coach. In each of those horrendous births there was the period of time when I was pushing and the baby was born and he was "there" for it - I got to see the man he could have been if he wasn't such a twisted mess. He "got" the magic of the moment of the birth - and for a brief bit we actually were a team. Those were the moments that kept me with the guy, you know? And those are the moments that have made it so hard to take the kids away from him.

 

JennyB, I like what you said, too. Focusing on what I did, rather than what everyone else did and focusing on what I can do now, rather than what everyone else does really sounds like the way to go.

[Carol in Cal.]

You got your children and you saved them--and you saved yourself.

 

It was really, really hard, and you did it!

 

Please, think about how you would react if you heard someone else describe these accomplishments. Wouldn't you admire her? Wouldn't you be in awe? Wouldn't you be inspired?

 

Now, give yourself that admiration, and awe, and inspiration. Because you do deserve it. And you are worth it.

 

What you describe of your ex is such a common pattern. After all, those guys can't very well face themselves, and so they have to create their own reality, their own excuses. It does not excuse him that he was on drugs or drunk when he did wrong things. He failed to take responsibility for himself and his own actions, but that does not mean that he is not responsible for them. He will never admit what he did, but he does not have to create YOUR reality anymore. Not ever again. Because you know what? You can see clearly now, and you know the REAL reality--the one that he can never know because then he would have to face himself.

 

He does not deserve this space in your head. He is out of your life. Give yourself something better to think about...like maybe your great DH, your wonderful kids, your other accomplishments. If this is difficult, start practicing. It gets easier and easier, I promise.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Jennifer, I can relate on two fronts to what you went through.

 

First, I was in a violent relationship for a number of years when I was finishing up college. I can still have flashbacks and nightmares that leave me shaking. A couple of years ago I was called to jury duty for a trial that involved DV. Jury selection wasn't even finished and I started the nightmares. I had to testify before the judge ( with cross-examination from the two attorneys) to get released from possible jury duty. Having attorneys question what happened to me and why I had not called the police at the time was very difficult. I had to realize that I can't change the past. What happened, happened. But the good news is that I'm not the same person anymore. I grew from that experience. I've grown from having subsequent positive experiences. That comforts me.

 

Second, my first labor and delivery with ds10 was definitely in the "less than perfect" category. It started with an induction (my water had broken but I was in unproductive back labor that was going no where). I went into one long contraction that wouldn't end - the nurses were yelling "turn it off! turn it off!" I was in labor for 73 hours - 14 of those hours were spent throwing up. The doctor was giving me chemotherapy drugs (the anti-nausea drugs) to try to get me to stop. Nothing worked. There were a cascade of things that went wrong at the hospital - an earthquake caused a number of labor emergencies to go beyond what the hospital could handle. Despite my distress and the distress of the fetus, I simply had to "wait my turn" for an operating room. As it turned out I was finally on the operating table being prepped for an emergency C-section when my ds literally popped out (the doctor almost didn't catch him). My very exhausted, unmotherly thought when I first saw the baby was - "that is what caused all this pain. Get it away from me!" Fortunately my dh could see my mental distress and bonded with ds until I was able to cope. I can't share all of this with my ds. I share with him my deep love and care for him as a baby (and now of course!). I tell him that the circumstances of his actual birth were difficult but that God helped me through it. And I celebrate his birthday with the knowledge that he's out!:D

[Doran]

Jennifer, I can relate on two fronts to what you went through...

 

[snip]....

 

 

You are brave and kind to share your stories.

[Carol in Cal.]

. When I see women nurse sometimes I just want to cry.

 

Getting nursing going is often not easy or 'natural'. It is normal to have some serious difficulties. SO MANY WOMEN came up to me when they saw me nursing--friends, relatives, and strangers--and said, "I wanted to nurse, but I just couldn't." And they still felt bad, some of them 40 years later. So I want to tell you what I used to tell them.

 

Yes, it is hard. I am so lucky to have had a lot of help. I had a lactation consultant and a sister and some friends to show me the way, and lots of good books, and two classes! You were trying to do this all by yourself--wow, good for you. If I had had to do that, I don't think I would have been successful. I'm sorry that there was not the support for you, and I bet you were and are an awesome mother!

[Cheryl in NM]

Getting nursing going is often not easy or 'natural'. It is normal to have some serious difficulties. SO MANY WOMEN came up to me when they saw me nursing--friends, relatives, and strangers--and said, "I wanted to nurse, but I just couldn't." And they still felt bad, some of them 40 years later. So I want to tell you what I used to tell them.

 

Yes, it is hard. I am so lucky to have had a lot of help. I had a lactation consultant and a sister and some friends to show me the way, and lots of good books, and two classes! You were trying to do this all by yourself--wow, good for you. If I had had to do that, I don't think I would have been successful. I'm sorry that there was not the support for you, and I bet you were and are an awesome mother!

 

Aw, thanks!:blush: