Dilemma: when to travel for a funeral

[1bassoon]

Anyone want to offer perspective? Medical/hospice, especially. . . .

 

My dear 91-year old grandma has been on hospice since August of 2009. (She lives in Indiana, we're in Central AL - an 8 hr. drive) She collapsed Oct. 1, and we've been on "alert" since then. It has been a long, slow, agonizing decline. We went at the end of October, said our good-byes, loved on her. I'm at peace with that.

 

Last Wednesday, we were told she had 48 hours. Friday the nurse said, "She wont' be here Monday". She had a TIA stroke on Sunday. Is now unresponsive, Cheyne-stokes breathing, cold limbs, hasn't eaten in a week, hasn't had anything to drink since Saturday.

 

It's Tuesday. We were going to travel today, but my dd is in 2 ballet performances, so we're staying put until tomorrow morning.

 

The complication: my dd has a ballet audition in Mississippi on Saturday for a college program. We can reschedule until February, but would rather make Sat. if at all possible.

 

What are the chances she'll still be alive on Friday, and my dd can make her audition? If I was 99% sure she'd pass before Friday, we'd just go up and reschedule. But if she's still living, that means a 10 hour drive to MS for the audition, rather than a 4 hour drive.

 

My brother is in from Nigeria until Thursday night. My cousin from CA arrives today.

 

I just don't know what to do. I'm so conflicted. It's agonizing. I don't feel a particular need to see my Grandma again - I'm not sure she'll know I'm there, and we've said our good byes. There are a TON of people at her house, just "waiting" for her to pass. I'm more going to support my mom, who's the primary caretaker.

 

What would you do?

[justasque]

I'm more going to support my mom, who's the primary caretaker.

What would you do?

 

Could you discuss the situation with your mom? Then you can get a sense of how important it is to her that you be there, vs. how important it is to her that your dd be refreshed for her audition (vs. 10 hour drive).

[elfgivas]

each family is different. my mom and dh's mom would both want us to focus on the audition, and come when it is over. could you pay to have food delivered to the house as a way of helping until you get there?

 

:grouphug: its a hard time....

[AK_Mom4]

I would go now.

 

Then, I would plan on driving Friday afternoon to the audition and stay in a motel so your DD gets a good night's sleep. That let's you go help out your mom for the next few days and still get your DD there Saturday in good shape. After the audition, you can figure out if you need to go back for a funeral or head home and wait some more (not too likely).

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

You have my sympathy.

[momofkhm]

What are the chances she'll still be alive on Friday,

 

I can only tell you what happened here this summer. It was a child which was even harder for all involved. Carley was taken off life support on Monday. The nurses told the family most pass within 24 hours. The funeral was planned for Sunday. On Tuesday her daddy gave her "permission" to go see Jesus. On Friday she still hadn't passed. She finally passed within 24 hours of the funeral.

 

So there really is no telling when it will happen.

 

I echo Pauline, talk to your mom and see what she thinks. Are they waiting to plan the funeral? Will it be quick once she's gone? Can dh stay home with dd and take her to the audition? Would dd be ok with that?

 

Sorry I'm no help, just more questions.

[cjzimmer1]

When we were given the 48 hours with my grandpa last summer, I went and saw him the next day. He opened his eyes once but really didn't know I was there. I said my last goodbyes. I didn't expect to be there when he died. My husband had to work and I had 5 kids (one being under a year) plus I was babysitting two others. I was fine with not being there. I was at peace with that decision and was just waiting for the phone call that it was over.

 

Well things changed and my husband got home from work early the next day (and my family lives only about 45 minutes away). So I went with just the baby in tow. I was there when he died. I'm so thankful I went ahead and was there. It was so much more helpful to me and the rest of the family that we were all there when he died. Even though no one expected me to be there and would have been fine if I hadn't, it was a rare time for us to be together.

 

So if it were me, I'd go even if it's a bit inconvenient. I've never heard anyone expressing regrets about coming to someone's bedside near death but you do here lots of stories of people who weren't there and wished they had been.

[Unicorn.]

I would not drag my dd on that trip. You've said your goodbyes. If you feel you have to go, I would leave dd at home, and have dh or a friend take her to the audition, or be back on friday, but not drag her back and forth w/ you.

[hsbaby]

I'm so sorry about your grandma:(. I was able to be with my great-grandma when she passed. It was very peaceful and I am glad I spent her last few days with her. On the other hand, my other grandma passed a year later. We visited while she was sick, knowing it would be goodbye. It was a great visit and we were able to spend a lot if time together. In this case, her passing was not peaceful and I am glad I wasn't there for it. All this to say that there is no right or wrong answer. You have to do what feels right in your heart.

[1bassoon]

Thanks, everyone. . . .

 

It's just - oh, unbelievable. Here it is, Tuesday evening, and she's still with us.

 

We've decided to pray about it as a family, and go to sleep, and decide in the morning. Not quite a decision, eh?

 

But the biggest ? is for my dd - she's praying about and thinking over the impact all of this will have on her audition. Would she really be her best if her heart is so sad about her grandma - they were about as close as a great-grandma/granddaughter can be. I also need to call the college (Belhaven) and ask what the impact on scholarships would be - do they tend to "run out" of their scholarships at this audition day, or are there still some in February. That could be pivotal.

 

But - honestly - the Lord and my grandma could decide all this tonight, or tomorrow. If she passes away between now and Friday morning, we'll have to cancel the audition.

 

There is never, never a good time. I certainly understand why Jesus wept at Lazarus' tomb.

[tex-mex]

I would not drag my dd on that trip. You've said your goodbyes. If you feel you have to go, I would leave dd at home, and have dh or a friend take her to the audition, or be back on friday, but not drag her back and forth w/ you.

:iagree: Your family will understand the need for her to make that audition. She can always fly out later. You may be needed to be there to show support for your parents. DH is not obligated to attend but may be needed to show support. My DH had the same dilemna when his grandmother died 1,000 miles away due to lack of finances and a meeting he had to attend. He ended up not attending and only his parents attended. Later, his parents gave us a lovely DVD of the service and memorial -- we all sat together (his parents and us kids) and watched it -- then we each offered a tribute to her memory and a group prayer. It was very sweet. His family is fine with the decision. Not many grandkids or great grandkids could attend.

[tex-mex]

Thanks, everyone. . . .

 

It's just - oh, unbelievable. Here it is, Tuesday evening, and she's still with us.

 

We've decided to pray about it as a family, and go to sleep, and decide in the morning. Not quite a decision, eh?

 

But the biggest ? is for my dd - she's praying about and thinking over the impact all of this will have on her audition. Would she really be her best if her heart is so sad about her grandma - they were about as close as a great-grandma/granddaughter can be. I also need to call the college (Belhaven) and ask what the impact on scholarships would be - do they tend to "run out" of their scholarships at this audition day, or are there still some in February. That could be pivotal.

 

But - honestly - the Lord and my grandma could decide all this tonight, or tomorrow. If she passes away between now and Friday morning, we'll have to cancel the audition.

 

There is never, never a good time. I certainly understand why Jesus wept at Lazarus' tomb.

Most grandmas would be horrified if they caused their great-grandchild to lose a scholarship over this. I know in my family GG would INSIST the child go to the audition. Her future education is very important.

[Catwoman]

Ask your dd what she thinks her great-grandma would want her to do. Also, ask your mom what she needs.

 

If great grandma was still awake and alert, I'd say that you should go and see her one last time, but if she's unaware of what's going on around her, it's probably not worth having your dd miss her audition. Perhaps someone could hold a phone next to great-grandma's ear so your dd could say a last goodbye to her and tell her that she's dedicating her audition to her.

 

I hope I don't sound heartless, as I am sure you are all very upset about this.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

[1bassoon]

Nah, no one sounds heartless :)

 

The thing is, there IS another audition day - and I'm wondering if she won't perform better without this added emotional turmoil, you know? We've already been to say goodbye - I'm very ok with that aspect.

 

I'm going to call Belhaven in the morning - Lord willing - and ask what the implications are if we wait until February. I seriously doubt they will have given away all their scholarship monies by then. . . . but it can't hurt to find out!

 

It's tricky, this bit. But we're really looking forward to being there as a family. We have a pretty close extended family, even though some of us are scattered.

 

Off to sleep, but I'll read any more thoughts in the morning.

[1bassoon]

We're staying until she passes.

 

Grandma is still - Wednesday morning, a WEEK after the nurse said, "48 hours" - with us.

 

At this point, I'll take the younger 4 kids up when she passes, dh will take dd to her audition and drive up to Indiana once it's over.

 

We're glad to have the decision made. I've just - never - heard of anyone lasting this long, in this bad of a condition.

[Catwoman]

I'm sure you're relieved to have finally made your decision, Heather. I think it's the most sensible thing to do.

 

BTW, my MIL lingered for almost 2 weeks after the doctors said she only had a day or two to live. It was agonizing for my dh to sit at her bedside and wait, knowing that there was nothing he could do to help her. I feel so badly for your family.

 

Cat

[unsinkable]

We're staying until she passes.

 

Grandma is still - Wednesday morning, a WEEK after the nurse said, "48 hours" - with us.

 

At this point, I'll take the younger 4 kids up when she passes, dh will take dd to her audition and drive up to Indiana once it's over.

 

We're glad to have the decision made. I've just - never - heard of anyone lasting this long, in this bad of a condition.

 

So sorry, Heather! :grouphug:

 

My MIL was dying in May. She was on a medication for low blood pressure and we were told she would die within hours if it was stopped. She lived for 5 more days. It was awful b/c we thought (some of us) we gave up hope too soon.