S/O Ballet bully thread: boys with only sisters?

[sagira]

I was puzzled to read about boys who don't know how to act around other boys, boys who are oldest, onlies, or only have sisters.. My ds (7) is the oldest and now I'm having another girl, so he'll be the oldest with two younger sisters. In our case it seems just the opposite. He's gentler than many other boys we've seen, and plays really well with girls, and boys. He's just not as rough as the boys.

 

Is this something that's common? That boys with only sisters are not as comfortable around other boys? We have playdates with boys, and when it gets too rough ds checks out. He loves playing good guys and bad guys. I think it's his personality. He's a sensitive type (in a good way), and a deep thinker. My dd is pretty tough too, even though she's just shy of 4 years younger.

 

I have found the opposite. That boys with brothers play rougher. Maybe that's just me :001_huh:

 

Any experiences? Thoughts? :bigear:

[Remudamom]

My boys have a friend that's the oldest and only boy with five sisters. He gets along fine.

[Miss Marple]

I was puzzled to read about boys who don't know how to act around other boys, boys who are oldest, onlies, or only have sisters.. My ds (7) is the oldest and now I'm having another girl, so he'll be the oldest with two younger sisters. In our case it seems just the opposite. He's gentler than many other boys we've seen, and plays really well with girls, and boys. He's just not as rough as the boys.

 

Is this something that's common? That boys with only sisters are not as comfortable around other boys? We have playdates with boys, and when it gets too rough ds checks out. He loves playing good guys and bad guys. I think it's his personality. He's a sensitive type (in a good way), and a deep thinker. My dd is pretty tough too, even though she's just shy of 4 years younger.

 

I have found the opposite. That boys with brothers play rougher. Maybe that's just me :001_huh:

 

Any experiences? Thoughts? :bigear:

 

Personally I think there are too many variables in any one child to say that he/she will be rough or gentle. The child's inborn personality will play a huge role. Also each situation will be different. What I've seen in various groups is that the younger boys may get along with their age peers, but have difficulty with the older boys. So they are generally obnoxious in order to get the attention of the older boys. The older boys then react in kind :tongue_smilie: And I'm not saying that the older boys don't bait the younger ones either.

 

The one situation I know where the boy is the only son among daughters is not involved in sports, scouting, or other activities which would allow him a lot of interaction with other boys on a regular basis. He deals OK with boys younger than he is, but cannot figure out how to make friends with boys his age or older. He is very peer focused. He wants acceptance too much. I think he'll outgrow it. He's just in that really awkward pubescent stage.

 

Most problems I've seen seem to arise around puberty. That is a tough time all around for any kid (boy or girl) as they are trying understand themselves, their world, and their relationships.

 

The biggest problem, IMO, is the hovering parent who considers a child the victim no matter what. It's hard for parents to be objective in many situations. And I've seen too many kids who have been programmed by parents to be the victim. That doesn't play out well in the world. When a parent has a child who has continual problems, he/she needs to try to identify why (and be as objective as possible) and that might include asking other parents for their perspective of the situation. Then help guide the child through the appropriate steps to deal with the issue. Most situations are not any one kids fault. There is usually fault on both sides.

[Impish]

Tazzie's stuck as the only boy in the house, with older and younger sis.

I keep telling Wolf he needs a little brother, but he isn't going for it :lol:

 

There's no doubt about his attitude and personality, though...He's definetely BOY, lol!

 

One personality characteristic he has that hasn't been taught, just something inside him...He'll pick out the one special needs child at the park, and go play with them. Wolf sat and watched him quietly dig beside a little girl with Down's Syndrome. He would talk to her, about the castle they were making together, ask her questions, and wait for her to respond. This from the kid that is usually clambering up the highest tower, running around like his butt's on fire.

 

The Mom was sitting beside him and ended up in tears. She told Wolf that her dd is usually completely ignored by other children. To have a child walk up and ask to play wasn't something that had ever happened. When Tazzie said, "I'm glad I met you. I like having you for a new friend." That's when the Mom's eyes welled up.

 

Wolf was almost in tears telling me about it.

 

Some would say that having sisters makes him more sensitive to others. I don't know that there's any truth to it. I think its just the way God made him...and I'm so glad He did.

[ondreeuh]

I thought the PP said that boys who are the eldest or who have only sisters are more gentle than boys who grow up with boys and are more sensitive to rough play. That would fit your experience, and mine as well. My middle child (9) who grew up with his older sister for his first 6 years is pretty gentle with kids his own age. My youngest (almost 3) is very rough-and-tumble and often tackles and climbs on his bigger brother in fun. This is often a problem when he plays with little girls and boys who aren't raised with other boys because they freak out when he plays rough with them.

[Rosy]

My boy is a "boy's boy", he LOVES being around boys and gets along great with them in general. He has kids he doesn't get along with, but I think that has more to do with personality than sibling gender.

[Miss Marple]

I thought the PP said that boys who are the eldest or who have only sisters are more gentle than boys who grow up with boys and are more sensitive to rough play. That would fit your experience, and mine as well. My middle child (9) who grew up with his older sister for his first 6 years is pretty gentle with kids his own age. My youngest (almost 3) is very rough-and-tumble and often tackles and climbs on his bigger brother in fun. This is often a problem when he plays with little girls and boys who aren't raised with other boys because they freak out when he plays rough with them.

 

I know I mentioned something like this - I don't know if anyone else did in the other thread. But, yes, the boys I've seen are often overwhelmed at the level of jostling that happens in a group of playing boys. Too often I've seen boys engaged in good natured wrestling or other physical activity that takes a turn to ugliness because a boy interprets the jostling as too rough and he in turn escalates the physical activity "because they were being mean to him". The other boys are stunned! They were having a great time!

 

Moms often see good natured jostling amongst a group of boys and infer that someone is going to get hurt or that it is bullying. These moms don't have a lot of experience with boyish behavior esp. if they only have one son.

 

Just from my own experience (I only had sisters) as a mom of all boys I can say that having 1 or even 2 boys is NOT the same as adding in that 3rd or 4th or more. The dynamics are ever so different! I would guess it to be similar with all girls - just maybe not so physical but I would assume it could be more of a verbal assault ;)

 

An interesting thing happened the other night at scouts. My sons are in the leadership and the younger boys really like them. But one younger boy witnessed another older boy (who isn't well liked) and my son verbally sparring (my son said it was all in fun). The younger boy immediately went to an adult and informed him that boy X was "bullying" my son :D My son was astonished! He had no problem dealing with boy X and thought it funny that the younger scout thought he needed the help of the adult.

[angela in ohio]

I think ds could easily not know how to play with boys, because of always being with sisters, so we (mostly dh) make a conscious effort in the other direction. Ds can definitely take a hit - even a cheap shot - without anger or retaliation. And he can hang in rough play with the best of them, because he and dh play rough all the time.

 

I have no problem with my ds (or even dds) being hurt in play. It happens. So that is not the issue. My issue is that it is disruptive to have boys who can't control the wrestling, hitting, shouting for more than ten seconds to do something else.

 

Our issue is more how to get along with boys who think that it's always time for rough play, even when they are supposed to be doing something else (soccer practice, den meeting activity, etc.) It does seem to be boys who have a lot of brothers, but it usually seems to be based more on the level of discipline in the home. Ds wants to talk to other boys -- about Legos, about animals, about whatever -- and get to know them. He was telling me last night on the way home from Scouts that he really wanted to get to know one boy who seems nice, but he was running around playing with the other boys (ds isn't allowed to run around during the meeting.) He loves to play rough with the boys and run around, but I think he wishes there could be more to the relationships. Maybe that's from having sisters, who knows?

[Lolly]

a boy interprets the jostling as too rough and he in turn escalates the physical activity "because they were being mean to him". The other boys are stunned! They were having a great time!

 

 

 

 

We had this problem with ds when he was younger. We talked about it. I thought we had it figured out.Then, he would stick with it and he would be accused of being too rough. Me, I can't figure out why it was okay for the other kids, but not for my ds. He was quite large for his age and very strong. I don't think I will ever get it.

[Miss Marple]

We had this problem with ds when he was younger. We talked about it. I thought we had it figured out.Then, he would stick with it and he would be accused of being too rough. Me, I can't figure out why it was okay for the other kids, but not for my ds. He was quite large for his age and very strong. I don't think I will ever get it.

 

 

I feel so sorry for those boys who are big for their age! They seem to have a hard time knowing just how strong they are. They are like "Clifford, the Big Red Dog". They are well meaning, but just don't know their own strength.

 

A little off subject: one of the things that I've been intrigued about (maybe because I'm female) is the unwritten code that one male does not "rack" another male. And if one does inadvertently, another male does not take advantage of it. The play stops, the boys are very sympathetic, and they wait for the poor fella to recover before continuing the play. It's really quite civilized!;)

[BMW]

There are lots of variables!

 

My middle daughter is rough and tough, never stayed "clean", even when she comes in for the weekend from college I have to stop her from wrestling and taking down her brothers!! Her sisters are the opposite.

 

I happen to have 6 boys and can say that if you give a boy lots of brothers that doesn't insure that they will be rough, tough boys!

 

My oldest son is a "gentleman" and always has been. He is kind, loving and thoughtful. He is masculine, though! He loves to use weights and show off muscles. He isn't looking for fights or picking fights and doesn't have to "act tough", though.

 

The next son is sensitive. Thoughtful. He adores girls. He gets along fine with boys. He isn't rough and tough, but he IS competitive!! Very much so.

 

I could go on about each son... I have one who is a bully and we are always trying to reign him in because he is inappropriate with his frustrations and anger. That said, he is also wimpy when it comes to getting hurt. He was coddled by his mom and got a lot of attention for complaints. So, we work on it. He was raised with 3 older brothers.

 

So, I guess my point is, boys have their own personalities and don't have to be with boys to be less rough and tough and they might be more rough and tough with girls. I think it sometimes has to do with parenting. I never babied my boys and taught them from toddlerhood on not to whine or fuss. (I am loving, really! There was nurturing, just not babying.)

[Perry]

When my son was a baby, his pediatrician told me that boys with older sisters tend to be the most well adjusted of children. I don't know where she got that information, but it is not how things have played out in my house.

[Kate CA]

I have one son and four daughters (two on either side of my son). He gets along with all his boy buddies just fine and doesn't mind playing roughly with them. He is probably a little more gentle/in-tune towards girls than the boys in families that are mostly boy or all boy, but not by much. He may have a head up on all boy families when he gets married having been surrounded by girls his whole life, but that remains to be seen! :D

[Miss Marple]

He may have a head up on all boy families when he gets married having been surrounded by girls his whole life, but that remains to be seen!

 

I think that is entirely possible. I have worried about my dss understanding of women. I have been a typical tom-boy all my life. My interests tend to lie closer to what the boys do/did than to what girls were involved in. I was a tree-climber, daredevil, anti-makeup, anti-fashion, I'm not highly emotional, if I cry I do it in the shower so no one sees, etc. And I continue to be similar to this day. So my boys haven't really experienced life with what people would describe as a "feminine" female. So just to shake things up once in a while, I try to put on what I would consider the normal female persona. They usually have a very stunned look on their faces. But really, they've never had to deal with PMS in sisters, sharing a bathroom with sisters, being more "modest" because someone of the other sex is around, etc. And I fully intend to apologize to my future daughter in laws for any deficit they may have in the "understanding the female of the species" area. ;)

[Kate CA]

And I fully intend to apologize to my future daughter in laws for any deficit they may have in the "understanding the female of the species" area. ;)

 

:lol:

And I am sure they will appreciate any help you give their future husbands along the way! :D

[Paige]

My son is the oldest with 3 younger sisters. He is just like how you describe your son. My mother says that the evidence that he doesn't know how to play with boys is that he checks out when it gets too rough. :glare: It really annoys me that she thinks he has to enjoy playing rough to be a real boy.

[sagira]

Interesting discussion. I'm not very feminine either, and my dh thinks that I'm not a typical female role model. My daughter, who's very feminine, tries to imitate me and wear my shoes (the three pairs that I own - seriously), but there's not much there. I don't wear jewelry, hardly wear make-up, and when I remember (once a month LOL) I put on cologne or perfume to use up my perfumes that are years old. I'm more comfortable in pants and shorts, and didn't start wearing skirts until I became pregnant with ds (hand me downs). I appreciate long, flowing skirts now because they're breathable and as my weight fluctuates during pregnancy (I'm pregnant again), they last longer.

 

It's probably more a personality issue. My ds was invited to an all-girls sleepover last year :D I think it's great that he will have greater insight into the female psyche and hopefully he will grow up with a sense of respect for women and appreciate their femininity. He knows I'm not a girly girl, but can see that his younger sister is (but at the same time she loves to climb trees, is more likely to hit, kick or punch in anger, and enjoys playing good guys and bad guys with him). He likes the princesses, because they're beautiful. My kids play endlessly with each other. I'm so happy, as they are different genders and are four years apart, and people told me they may not play together.

 

Thanks for the insight, ladies. I can sleep better tonight :tongue_smilie::)

[mktkcb]

This is kind of interesting actually. I personally think there are so many other factors that come into play that to point to just one thing is sort of ridiculous. My son is the youngest with 2 older sisters. I think where he is in the family pecking order, combined with his unique (very unique, ha) personality has affected how he interacts with others. In our genetic line, extreme intensity is a given. All my kids have variations of SPD, and are very sensitive in their own ways. DS is extremely competitive...but I don't think that the fact that he has sisters makes any difference. I think it is a youngest thing. He's especially competitive with my middler....who began to musically "come into her own" just about the time ds began to really "get" that he was fairly gifted musically (not something we make a big deal about, btw). Well God forbid his sister should tread on his turf...doesn't matter that she plays violin, and he plays piano... so we are constantly working on them encouraging one another, instead of just being irritated with each other. Anyway...ds is just quirky, and walks to his own drummer. Not quirky enough to warrant an official label, but quirky enough to sort of set him apart a bit from a lot of peers. He's not cool, macho, or very muscular. He is not into sports (we don't have a tv, and are not into sports either), so he can't really shoot the breeze on that topic much. He does like computer games and such like, so he has his geek friends that he enjoys. But he is very sensitive, so doesn't take teasing well....not good with 13-14 yo boys. makes him a bit of a target. All this to say that I think being the semi hen-pecked youngest, plus his personality plays a bigger role than the fact that he has sisters.