ugh, why does she do this to me?

[NanceXToo]

My mother recently moved into a new apartment building and she's been having some problems with issues pertaining to the apartment.

 

She's already discussed these issues with somebody who works for the property management people, and he said he'd contact the appropriate people for her today and get back to her.

 

She's worried and wants a status update ASAP. Granted, it IS something I'd worry about, too. But she doesn't want to call back the guy she talked to because he makes her feel like she's worrying needlessly and she doesn't want to annoy him and seem like she's nagging- so she's emailing me asking ME to call him on her behalf and talk to him for her.

 

I can't stand being put in that position. She's a grown woman, for crying out loud. SHE lives there! She's having an issue that she should certainly keep on top of- but come on! Put on your big girl panties, call the guy, ask for an update, and if he thinks you're worrying needlessly, let him think that. You need to handle your business and cover your bases.

 

But why ask me (I don't even live there!) to call your apartment people for you to discuss an issue with them that YOU are having, that YOU already discussed with them, and that YOU feel too awkward to call again about?!

 

That's not supposed to make ME feel awkward?! That's not likely to annoy the people even more, that third party people are now calling on your behalf?

 

This isn't the first time she's put me in this position. In fact, she once got upset with the ex property manager while on a walk thru of this apartment, called me on my cell phone while I was driving to complain about what was happening, asked me to talk to her about it, and before I could get out more than "I'm driving, what am I supposed to....." the property manager was on the phone.

 

Acting quite irritated to have been put on the phone with me.

 

And she asked me another time after that to call the property manager for her about another issue with the apartment being ready on time for move in. Which I did (reluctantly).

 

And now this. This woman is an ex social worker who is certainly capable of having a conversation with somebody.

 

Am I just being witchy about this?! Would you want to be put in this position? Or would you see it as no big deal to do these things for her? right now I either have to call this guy for her, or email her back and tell her I'm not calling and that she needs to do it herself.

 

Ugh.

[TravelingChris]

Gently, even though she is an educated woman and would be considered to be able to do it, I would guess that she has some problems that makes these calls very difficult for her. I don't know what her problem is. I do know that while I handle most things, some issues are so likely to rile me up and cause me to get very upset, that I really do try to let my dh or my dd call for me. I don't even have anything like high blood pressure or some other reason to stay calm. But because some issues (I am thinking of my non stop printer problems) are so infuriating to me, on some days (think PMS), it is really better and more efficient for someone else to make the call.

 

Is she in her mid fifties or older? Are there any chances that she may be having the beginnings of Alzheimer's? What about depression? Depression can leave a person simply unable to cope with simple life problems. It really has nothing to do with educational level.

 

I don't know the background so I hope my thoughts haven't upset you. Hope your mom's apartment problem gets fixed soon.

[NanceXToo]

Chris,

 

You haven't upset me, thanks for your input! She is in her early 70's. And yes she does suffer from some depression for which she is on medication (I sometimes suffer from mild depression, too, for which I am not on medication although I used to be years ago, I guess it's genetic or something!)

 

I guess I just felt put on the spot too many times, she used to ask me to run interference for her and get in the middle if she was having an issue with one of my siblings, too, especially when she lived with one of my brothers up until recently, and that used to make me nuts. I don't like being put in the middle, I guess. And now that she's in this apartment, she's still asking me to get in the middle and handle these things for her (like I don't have enough on my own plate with my household, three kids, homeschooling and so on). I don't know what she thinks he's going to tell me that he didn't already tell her/or wouldn't tell her. I just feel really awkward about this!

[Parrothead]

At her age I can imagine all kinds of things going through her head which make her hesitate to call. A great many people are disrespectful to the elderly.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Just say no.

 

Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

I said, "NO".

[LibraryLover]

I know what I am about to write sounds rather 1950s and pearls-ish, but I have asked my dh to call certain people when I think they are blowing off a woman. I have noticed, and it does bug me, that sometimes a male tone is often seen as more serious than a female one. I hate that, but I do think some people (the guys at the car repair shop, for example) are sexist. And some people are ageist, and go out of their way to take advantage of, and/or ignore older folks they believe have nobody watching their back.

 

Only you know if your mother is taking advantage of you, or if she is someone who needs a little TLC these says. She may be feeling unheard by the rental folks. If there was a time your mother could juggle work, family, household, you may need to not think she is doing something *to* you, but that you are doing something *for* her.

 

My MIL is 89 and we also have a lot going on in our lives with our family, plus my dh is at at a very busy time in his career- he's been promoted etc. Yet at 89, my MIL needs our care. It doesn't matter how much we have to do, we can't let an 89 year old woman with some health issues be out there on her own. It would seem a breeze if al she needed was for us to make a phone call or two a month. (Grass is always greener, kwim? lol)

 

It's the 'sandwich' time of our lives. Our parents cared for us, now we care for them. My own MIL nursed her mother at home as she died of cancer nearly 50 years ago. It's what it is.

Edited October 12, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Cedarmom]

I do things like that for my mom sometimes. She handles most things on her own. But sometimes she feels as if they just aren't listening to her because ofher age (and she's right) so either my sister or I do it. It could also be due to herage she gets confused about what theirsaying and wants your support.That is for the property management stuff-the family stuff I would hesitate to be in the middle.

[TravelingChris]

One more thought- how is her hearing? I am only in my 40's but another reason I often prefer someone else to make certain calls is because I have trouble hearing on the phone. I am usually fine with hearing in person but not on the phone, especially with people I am not always conversing with since it is harder to decipher what they might be saying.

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

When someone says, "I'll call someone today," I give them a full business day to take care of it. Until at least 5pm or 6pm. If I had not heard anything back by noon the next day, I'd call again.

 

But your mom should do that. Not you.

[OleanderRain]

I know how you feel, I'm the one everyone calls, asking me to do things for them because they think that I'm better at it than they are. All of my family always wants me to go with them to buy things because I can haggle, they want me to call and complain (even pretending to be them) because they think I can get better results. In a way I like to help them, they are my friends and family, and I know they would do whatever they could do for me. But another part of me feels like an enabler and it does get old (like I don't have enough to do). Sorry, I know that wasn't any help....just wanted to let you know someone out there understands. :grouphug:

[Julie in CA]

I sometimes have my dh do the things that I dread. I hate talking with insurance people of any kind, and for any reason. Absolutely dread it. I (sometimes) rely on the people I love who dread that particular task less than I do, to take care of anything involving insurance. Could I do it? Sure. Do I have to? Nah, because my dh is willing to go to a bit of inconvenience to help me through something I hate to take care of myself. I think it is a matter of knowing you won't be respected, and sending in "the big guns" to be more assertive. Maybe your mom recognizes a strength in you that she doesn't have for some reason right now. Inconvenient as it may be, it's probably the beginning of caring for an elderly parent. :grouphug:

[NanceXToo]

Thanks for all the replies, and the various viewpoints (Her hearing is fine, btw, Chris!)

 

Anyway. I think, without getting too lengthy on this, there may also be some lingering long-term resentment on my part over the fact that I never really DID feel that my mother was much of a mother when I was growing up, and her life has been one drama after another with me always feeling that I didn't have much of a mother, followed by feeling that I had to BE a mother to my mother. Which continues to this day.

 

Ah I was going to go into some detail but I'm not going to bother putting you all through that lol.

 

I did email her back and tell her I felt awkward making this phone call for her and that I thought she should just do it.

 

A while later she called me and said that she'd done so, and he'd said he'd call her back in a few minutes, and that it had been 40 minutes and she was very anxious and she knows I don't WANT to call but she's asking me if I WILL call and she basically guilt tripped me into it.

[holdoll]

I understand how this must drive you nuts. My mom used to do that to me also. Seems like the older people get - the more they worry. I'm not sure why - a loss of control maybe? My dad is 85 and worries if one of his grandchildren sneezes. This from a former Marine who made it through WWII and the Korean War.

 

Nowadays, I just miss my mom calling me. Even if it were to ask me to take care of something for her, I would welcome it. She's been gone for 4 years now. It's all about perspective I guess. :sad:

[NanceXToo]

Nowadays, I just miss my mom calling me. Even if it were to ask me to take care of something for her, I would welcome it. She's been gone for 4 years now. It's all about perspective I guess. :sad:

 

Yeah.

 

I'm sorry :(

[MrsBasil]

My mother is only 52, but she does this as well. Mainly she asks me or has my dad do a lot for her. She has trouble remembering things, difficulty with problem solving, and has trouble understanding things without multiple explanations. This has been going on for awhile and I'm pretty sure I know why.

 

She is a wonderful mother and grandmother, so I just roll with it and do what she needs. It can be frustrating though.

[Cedarmom]

Thanks for all the replies, and the various viewpoints (Her hearing is fine, btw, Chris!)

 

Anyway. I think, without getting too lengthy on this, there may also be some lingering long-term resentment on my part over the fact that I never really DID feel that my mother was much of a mother when I was growing up, and her life has been one drama after another with me always feeling that I didn't have much of a mother, followed by feeling that I had to BE a mother to my mother. Which continues to this day.

 

Ah I was going to go into some detail but I'm not going to bother putting you all through that lol.

 

I did email her back and tell her I felt awkward making this phone call for her and that I thought she should just do it.

 

A while later she called me and said that she'd done so, and he'd said he'd call her back in a few minutes, and that it had been 40 minutes and she was very anxious and she knows I don't WANT to call but she's asking me if I WILL call and she basically guilt tripped me into it.

 

I think you're right that all this history goes into it. I was one of the people that said I would do it for my mom. But my feeling comes from remembering all the things she has done for me, and gratitude for that. My mom also asks seldom. Your circumstances are differant. If you don't feel like it is something you need to do, then don't.

[Mrs Mungo]

Anyway. I think, without getting too lengthy on this, there may also be some lingering long-term resentment on my part over the fact that I never really DID feel that my mother was much of a mother when I was growing up, and her life has been one drama after another with me always feeling that I didn't have much of a mother, followed by feeling that I had to BE a mother to my mother. Which continues to this day.

 

Ah I was going to go into some detail but I'm not going to bother putting you all through that lol.

 

I did email her back and tell her I felt awkward making this phone call for her and that I thought she should just do it.

 

A while later she called me and said that she'd done so, and he'd said he'd call her back in a few minutes, and that it had been 40 minutes and she was very anxious and she knows I don't WANT to call but she's asking me if I WILL call and she basically guilt tripped me into it.

 

I understand that sort of resentment, I truly do. I have let go of any sort of resentment like that. It just doesn't do me any good. Yeah, my parents still don't always act like real grown-ups. Yes, it's frustrating. It's particularly frustrating when I have to do things for them that they should be able to handle on their own.

 

But, the thing with your mom? She's old. People will see her as someone that they can blow off or take advantage of. You are young and strong and she sees you as someone who people will not take advantage of. I understand there were times in the past when she could have done it herself and I can't blame you for feeling resentment for that. But at this point in her life? There is actually a genuine reason.

 

I would do it, because I always do for my parents when I can, even if they are frustrating me with things they should be able to do on their own (and my parents are in their fifties), even if they were not always there for me. Because I am a real grown-up, even if they aren't.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Mrs. Mungo, that is sweet of you to do that for your mom, but it sounds like the OP's mother is manipulative and THAT is why OP was having trouble with these requests.

 

I get that frustration. My own mother had me RUSH her to the ER saturday night (after I refused to call 911) for a ....

 

 

wait for it......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

wait for it......

 

 

nosebleed. A nosebleed that stopped soon after arrival at the ER. No treatment required. It just required that my mother wake me up as well as my oldest and her sleepover.

 

 

GRANDMA'S NOT GETTING ENOUGH ATTENTION!!!! :glare:

 

ETA: I feel for people who have lost their moms and are hurting. I remember talking to a co-worker just after my Dad died and co-worker's cell phone rang. He ignored it saying,"It's just my dad". That stung and I still think about it. HOWEVER, I would take no mom at all rather than the passive aggressive narcissistic nonsense we deal with on a daily basis. I've had many years to think about that statement and I truly mean it.

Edited October 12, 2010 by ThatCyndiGirl