Son wants 100% or melts down

[In2why]

I don't even do grades. I do look at how he is progressing when we finish up a lesson or unit but I never make it a big deal and I never grade his work per se. Yet he freaks out if he makes a mistake and he knows it.

 

He also thinks that he should already know everything. He wants to write in cursive so I decided okay, why not. But he doesn't want to learn how to form letters, he just expects to know how to write in cursive. He actually started crying because when I dictated a sentence after he asked me to and he didn't know how to write it in cursive.

 

It is like he beats himself up to the nth degree. I alternate between trying to reassure him that it is okay, or ignoring it because I wonder if it isn't a play for attention.

 

I actually had to walk away a breathe for a bit because I am clueless.

[klmama]

It sounds to me like he may be a gifted perfectionist. If you search the boards you may find some good ideas on how to deal with that.

[In2why]

It sounds to me like he may be a gifted perfectionist. If you search the boards you may find some good ideas on how to deal with that.

 

 

He isn't gifted (although he is mine so I think he is amazing), but the perfectionist part for sure. I am going to see what I can find to help. It is tearing me up inside so I can't imagine what it must be like for him to feel that way.

[Cindyz]

My son is very similar to this. He gets very upset if he gets something wrong. He will also say, "I quit! I give up!" when trying to learn something challenging.

 

For the perfectionist part, we remind him of all the things he couldn't do when he was a baby that he had to learn and practice. We looked at old videos of him as a baby before he could talk, when just learning to talk and videos today of how he talks. We did the same thing for piano. We also talk a lot about the only thing we ask of him is that he try his best. Whenever he is upset that he got something wrong, I will ask if he tried his best. If he says yes, I say that is great, and then go into the teaching so he can learn and do better next time. If he says that he didn't try his best or I know he didn't try his best, then I will point out to him that when we don't try our best, we probably won't do a very good job and will make more mistakes. It's a work in progress.

 

For the "I quit, I give up", we told him that he's not allowed to say those things. :tongue_smilie: He can say, "I'm frustrated, I need help, can you help me, I don't understand this, I think I need more practice" or a number of other things, but we're teaching him that we do not give up because giving up is not doing our best. Again, it's a work in progress. :D

[Veritaserum]

I praise my perfectionist dd when she asks me for help instead of emotionally imploding. Rosie had a great suggestion about asking dd to be brave about trying new things and being brave about making mistakes. That has helped. I also have her repeat affirming statements like:

 

 

• "Even if I make mistakes, I'm still a good person."
  
• "Even if something is hard, I'm still a smart person."
  
• "I'm brave about trying new things, even if I make mistakes."
  
• "I'm smart enough to figure this out eventually, even if it's hard right now."
  

 

While I have her say those things, I also have her pat her head or do another physical action, which gets her to loosen up and even laugh. :)

[mom24boys]

We have had a similar problem with our first born perfectionist, ds6.5. No games are fun. Can't play dodge ball...if he gets out he flops on the floor like he's hurt and cries. Board games, he cries. Memory verses, if he doesn't get it right the first time, he cries. (This is John 3:16, not "Jesus wept".)

 

Well, he has actually improved greatly in the past 6 months or so. I have been telling him prior to trying something that it is going to take 10 tries to get this. We need to try our best and have a happy heart all 10 tries.

 

For example he went aquaboarding this summer. Picture of aquaboarding (zip sledding) behind a boat: http://media.photobucket.com/image/zip%20sled/brainard_bucket_bucket/zipsled.jpg

 

Prior to his first attempt, I managed his expectations by telling him it was going to take him 10 tries. (Underlying message: don't expect to get it right the first try.) When he got it in 4, he was ecstatic. He was so proud of himself for getting it prior to try number 10! I was just so proud of him for trying with a happy heart and not freaking out after the 3 falls. (Of course I was crazy encouraging after each time he fell, saying what a great job he did and how he was almost there and I knew he could do it.)

 

It seems like it crops up again with each new thing. Like if we were to try a new game, I'd have to do the reminding and encouraging all over again. Hopefully this will diminish and he will learn to have self control when he is frustrated/disappointed. (As a side note, he's a very gracious winner...because that's the way it's supposed to work! ;) )

 

HTH

[Amy+2]

I have a brainy perfectionist. I don't give grades but he wishes I would. (sometimes pleads for me to place one at the top of his work) Used to cry whenever he would miss ANYTHING. It wasn't often, but it was awful. It helped when I stopped and took time to do a small unit study on Thomas Edison. ;)

 

He is better now, but once in a while I have to remind him that there is a reason they make (almost) all pencils WITH erasers on top!:lol:

[Katiebug_1976]

Oh my goodness, it sounds like you all are describing my dd14! She has always been a perfectionist to some degree. She has to get everything right (she gets upset & "beats herself up" if she misses 1 problem/question), and she has to know it before it is learned or she is "dumb," or the curriculum/subject is "stupid" (both words we do not allow her to use when referring to herself or her education). I have tried everything I can think of, encouraging her, reprimanding her for using negative behavior... She resists help from me and dh. Usually she will get mad enough and "give up" for a little while, then come back and figure it out on her own. Still, this process is not enjoyable for any of us. Thank goodness it is happening less and less frequently! Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Irishmommy]

Thanks for the advice here. I really needed to hear this today. My son often doesn't try things because he's not perfect at them. I liked the idea of telling him it will take 10 tries to do something. I might steal that with academic concepts. Thanks, ladies!

[Dinsfamily]

I have a brainy perfectionist. I don't give grades but he wishes I would. (sometimes pleads for me to place one at the top of his work) Used to cry whenever he would miss ANYTHING. It wasn't often, but it was awful. It helped when I stopped and took time to do a small unit study on Thomas Edison. ;)

 

He is better now, but once in a while I have to remind him that there is a reason they make (almost) all pencils WITH erasers on top!:lol:

 

My 6yo is this way too. He will often stand next to me waiting to find out if he got all of the problems right in his math book and I cringe telling him he got one wrong. I also don't give him grades but he will put grades on his own papers...if he got a 100%. It does also translate to other areas of his life like sports and games. We're dealing with it the best we can. We might have to do that Thomas Edison study.

 

I've repeated the line about pencils and erasers so many times that we'll probably never use pens in our school :). It does seem to help him though.

[texasmama]

I have a child who becomes very upset if he receives anything approaching negative feedback. He is never wrong. I must have misunderstood.:tongue_smilie: So if he makes an error, I point at the error and tell him that he needs to look at that one again. He has improved since last year on the meltdowns, though, so I do believe we are making progress.:001_smile:

[In2why]

I appreciate the advice. I am going to try the 10 tries and see if that helps. I can't see how it could hurt. We don't do anything in pen either, and I use a whiteboard quite a lot, but today when I pointed out in spelling that the word used and e instead of an I, although it sounds like the short I sound he got so upset with himself that he wiped out all of his words and phrases and insisted on doing them all over again. I am really struggling with this because I don't have a perfectionism bone in me. I make mistakes often and shrug them off. Perhaps it will help if I point out more often to him that I made a mistake and it is no big deal.

[Amy+2]

I've repeated the line about pencils and erasers so many times that we'll probably never use pens in our school :).

 

:lol: After using this line as often as I do, I also worry about what will happen when we transfer to writing in ink!! Yikes! Although, if memory serves me correctly, didn't there used to be erasable pens?!? :tongue_smilie: Not sure if they still make them.

[tarana]

My DD(8) is a perfectionist and a neat freak. She cannot stand it when she makes a mistake & it gets worse if her twin gets it right.

She is afraid of trying anything new. She is too afraid she may fail. She thinks, she should know everything even before I teach her.

 

She would not even try to play Wii. So we rack up points on our profile & allow her to use it so she feels SHE is not losing. She uses HER profile only when she starts getting better at a game.

When we are leraning a new dance step, I ask her to teach me & I deliberately make mistakes & in the process of teaching me she practises it.

Teaching how to write was a big adventure for me. I had to rub her back, hug her every few strokes.

Every week on Thursday night we do spelling tests & it is a tantrum night, because DD is not a great speller!

 

I also realised the " I Quit", "I'm dumb" tantrums happens when she is tired or hungry. So before correcting her I give her a sip of OJ or a small snack.

Being patient & positive is so important with this child.

[zaichiki]

Is this a child who is used to already knowing everything or for whom everything comes easily? I have a ds like this. When he was younger he just expected himself to *already know* anything new. It was a *huge* learning curve when he began to learn to play the cello. He compared himself to his teacher, who had played for 30 years and played for a well-known Symphony Orchestra, and found himself coming up short. :leaving:

 

In the end those cello lessons became his saving grace. He had to work hard every day to progress. He found that he *would* learn something he didn't know before if he kept working on it.

 

We still have our moments, but it's much better at 11 than it was at 5.

[zaichiki]

Ah, I forgot!

 

Mothers:

 

One thing that has helped us immensely was this mantra--

 

(Practice doesn't make perfect.)

"Practice makes it EASIER!"

 

Thank you Edmund Sprunger.

http://yespublishing.com/

[Country Mouse]

Wow, it so nice to hear from other moms who have dc with these same issues. The suggestions made here have really given me some great ideas for coping with my ds who thinks he should know everything, freaks when he makes a mistake and is so hard on himself! Thank you!

[Carrie12345]

I don't know how well it might work with your son, but I have a couple of perfectionists in the house, and my 12yo was the worst about 2 years ago.

 

It took multiple conversations for it to sink in, but I somehow managed to convince ds that I wasn't really interested in what he already knew, but was looking to see what NEW things he could learn and accomplish, and that THAT was what learning and education were all about.

 

It helped to start with non-academic things like improving his running time, baking a batch of cookies, or putting a model car together. We also did a lot or reminiscing. "Remember when you thought you'd never be able to tie your shoes?" "Remember how long it took to write before you learned to type?" Giving examples gave him more confidence in his ability to meet challenges.

 

He's still a perfectionist, but he doesn't give up as easily or as often as he used to.

[Splash]

One thing that helped my dd is I told her that if she always got everything right and knew everything already then I must be using the wrong materials/grade level since school was about learning new things and learning from our mistakes. This for some reason really helped her.

[Molly]

I have a daughter just like this, only I have just realised from reading this thread that deep down she is a perfectionist. I think I will be changing tact with her. Thank you.:thumbup:

[Dinsfamily]

:lol: After using this line as often as I do, I also worry about what will happen when we transfer to writing in ink!! Yikes! Although, if memory serves me correctly, didn't there used to be erasable pens?!? :tongue_smilie: Not sure if they still make them.

 

They do still make them. Dh's grandmother uses them for her crossword puzzles. I don't like how they write but I might have to get over that, huh?

 

Ah, I forgot!

 

Mothers:

 

One thing that has helped us immensely was this mantra--

 

(Practice doesn't make perfect.)

"Practice makes it EASIER!"

 

Thank you Edmund Sprunger.

http://yespublishing.com/

 

That line will probably work well for my ds as well as the ten times. Thanks for sharing.

[Aoife]

DS1 is my super perfectionist. It almost scares me at times. He's been like this since he was pretty young too (probably since around 18 months old) I is very very hard on himself but at the same time very very determined. He will beg for things like handwriting sheets but then when he can't trace them up to his standards he freaks out but refuses to quit. He will sit there and erase and do over until he feels it is ok for him. This carries over to so many things too like playing sports, stacking toys, you name it and it probably frustrates him. It's almost like he knows what it should look like or do but his little body just is capable of it yet and that makes him nuts. DH was outside last week kicking around a soccerball with him and he got sooooo upset that he couldn't kick it the way he wanted (the way pro soccer people do) Or the other day he had his coloring book out and got really upset because he couldn't stay 100% inside the lines.

 

Granted this is the kid that could count to 20 by the time he was 19 months old and new all of his letters and his sounds before he was 2 just from videos and learning on his own so he is a bit accelerated.

 

It's just so hard to get him to let loose and be a kid sometimes instead of an adult stuck in a tiny body. He doesn't want to get dirty, he hates messes and likes things to be in order. Past all this though he is the sweetest most caring kiddo I know.

 

so you are not alone but if you figure something out let me know as I'd love to help DS relax more!

[texasmama]

One more thing I do is point out any mistakes I make to the perfectionistic one (and I seem to frequently to write down something incorrectly, particularly numbers) and laugh, saying loudly, "Look! I wrote down the wrong number! That is so funny!" to diffuse the "seriousness" of making mistakes. The kids get to see that making a mistake doesn't bother me and in fact, I can laugh about it. I overexaggerate a bit for effect, but it seems to help.

[swainsonshawk]

I have struggled with this for years. We have used both firmness and scolding, punishments and patience, examples and time outs. I don't know what exactly works. He is just not comfortable with the learning curve. Everything that is hard is "too hard." He expects to know it already and put forth no effort to get it right.

 

The only thing that works (a little, sometimes) for him is to talk about the expectations at the beginning of the assignment:

 

"We are going to learn something new today. Don't freak out. It will probably be hard. That's okay. I'll help you. You don't have to learn it today. I will help you. I will explain in 50,000 times in 50,000 ways. It will be okay. Don't freak out."

 

I also have learned to be firm with my expectations. No destroying the page because he's mad--or he does it over. I don't try to teach when he's freaking out. I walk away and tell him we'll work on it when he's calmer. He gets sent to his room if he follows me still freaking. I know he learns nothing when melting down. Maybe some of this will help you a little.:001_smile:

 

I know things are a lot different now that he is 12 than when he was 6. It's an entirely different ball game. Some better, some harder, but at least it's a different challenge than it was before. This will be one of your child's challenges in life: dealing with perfectionism. Think of it as a teaching opportunity for life.

[zaichiki]

One thing that helped my dd is I told her that if she always got everything right and knew everything already then I must be using the wrong materials/grade level since school was about learning new things and learning from our mistakes. This for some reason really helped her.

 

Yes!

[zaichiki]

"We are going to learn something new today. Don't freak out. It will probably be hard. That's okay. I'll help you. You don't have to learn it today. I will help you. I will explain in 50,000 times in 50,000 ways. It will be okay. Don't freak out."

 

Instead of coaching ds that it will be hard and hinting that I am expecting to have to head off a "freak out," I usually tell him that this is new but it will be interesting and I'm confident that he'll be able to handle it calmly. I find that my kids generally lean towards living up to my expectations. (Especially when they're younger -- current 4 y.o. really responds well to this approach.)

[nmoira]

One thing that has helped us immensely was this mantra--

 

(Practice doesn't make perfect.)

"Practice makes it EASIER!"

 

Thank you Edmund Sprunger.

http://yespublishing.com/

 

We use "Practice Makes Progress," but yes, this is very helpful mantra.

 

One thing that helped my dd is I told her that if she always got everything right and knew everything already then I must be using the wrong materials/grade level since school was about learning new things and learning from our mistakes. This for some reason really helped her.

:iagree:

 

There was an example in Mindset as to how to respond to a child who has scored 100% on, I believe, a math test, and the answer was to apologize for wasting their time. There was another fantastic example about a child at a gymnastics competition. If you search "gymnastics" in the link above, most of the text is available in Look Inside. This was a book I took to heart; it helped me make practical changes in how I talked with my kids about effort and success.