Please help with an obsessive problem with dd11

[5LittleMonkeys]

I'm not trying to over analyze my dd11 but she does some things that are quite...annoying and I'm trying to figure out why she does them so perhaps I can figure out how to get her to stop.

 

She will ask me questions that I can't really give her yes or no answers about so I will say something like, "We will have to wait and see if we can manage that." or "We should wait until closer to that date before we make plans." Basically vague wait and see type answers. But I'm truly not blowing her off, they are situations where I can not give a definite answer. I tell her that as soon as I can make a definite decision I will let her know, and I do.

 

Well, she gets upset and begins to obsess about it. She will start asking the same question in different ways and then will start throwing out different scenarios. Such as, "Well, if this happens then can we do that or if that happens can we do this?" Just basically coming up with every possible variation of the situation. All requiring some sort of answer from me. My answer is always," I don't know, we will have to wait and see." But she just keeps on and on until finally I will have to say ENOUGH! (Sometimes she has obsessed about the same question for half a day before I have to get extremely firm to get her to stop.) Then she gets this hurt and surprised look on her face like she doesn't understand why I'm upset.

 

I have tried explaining to her what "I don't know" means and that I'm not blowing her off. I have explained how frustrating it is when she tries to pin me down to a yes or no answer. She says she gets it but then will start the whole process over again with something else.

 

None of my other children do this. I don't want to discipline for this because I don't think she does it purposefully to annoy, and I don't want to scare her away from the idea that some situations may be easier to obtain under different circumstances. But, I need to train her to know when to stop or train her to deal with the uncertainties without getting upset.

 

Any insight as to why she is doing this or how to get her to stop. Is there such a thing as someone becoming obsessive over an uncertainty? It really is becoming a more and more prevalent problem and it is hard to deal with.

[jewellsmommy]

I'm not trying to over analyze my dd11 but she does some things that are quite...annoying and I'm trying to figure out why she does them so perhaps I can figure out how to get her to stop.

 

She will ask me questions that I can't really give her yes or no answers about so I will say something like, "We will have to wait and see if we can manage that." or "We should wait until closer to that date before we make plans." Basically vague wait and see type answers. But I'm truly not blowing her off, they are situations where I can not give a definite answer. I tell her that as soon as I can make a definite decision I will let her know, and I do.

 

Well, she gets upset and begins to obsess about it. She will start asking the same question in different ways and then will start throwing out different scenarios. Such as, "Well, if this happens then can we do that or if that happens can we do this?" Just basically coming up with every possible variation of the situation. All requiring some sort of answer from me. My answer is always," I don't know, we will have to wait and see." But she just keeps on and on until finally I will have to say ENOUGH! (Sometimes she has obsessed about the same question for half a day before I have to get extremely firm to get her to stop.) Then she gets this hurt and surprised look on her face like she doesn't understand why I'm upset.

 

I have tried explaining to her what "I don't know" means and that I'm not blowing her off. I have explained how frustrating it is when she tries to pin me down to a yes or no answer. She says she gets it but then will start the whole process over again with something else.

 

None of my other children do this. I don't want to discipline for this because I don't think she does it purposefully to annoy, and I don't want to scare her away from the idea that some situations may be easier to obtain under different circumstances. But, I need to train her to know when to stop or train her to deal with the uncertainties without getting upset.

 

Any insight as to why she is doing this or how to get her to stop. Is there such a thing as someone becoming obsessive over an uncertainty? It really is becoming a more and more prevalent problem and it is hard to deal with.

 

 

My 8 yr old is similar, especially that scenario thing. And let me tell you, that girl has quite the imagination! I must here "but, what if ...." all.the. time. It is enough to drive a mom bonkers. I just keep repeating "I don't know, I doubt that will happen. I don't know. Plans change. I couldn't possibly imagine...etc" So I sympathize. I have been giving her a limit related to the topic. It kind of works. She asks a question, I say "not sure" and when I here the "but.." I say "you get 3 questions, make them good and then we are moving on :001_smile:." I do it in a nice way but I hate being that way. I hope she will grow out of it.

 

I do know that some dc are natural born planners and don't like change or uncertainty. Some go with the flow. My dd seems toward the first. If we leave the house, she wants an itinerary! I can't just say "we are running errands." I have been trying to get her to understand that plans are great but sometimes plans change. Good luck. I'll be reading the responses too.

[Carrie12345]

Lol.

Sorry. That would be me at 11. And 33. ;)

 

ETA: My 12yo ds is the same way, and we consider it a part of his Asperger's. While I don't have Asperger's, I do consider it one of my aspie-like traits. It's probably what keeps me from killing him.

[Carrie12345]

I have a slightly obsessive 10yo. I just ordered this book so I can't give a review but I like what I've read of it. It talks about obsessive thoughts like a plant in the garden. If you pay attention to it it grows and flourishes and when we ignore it it dies.

 

http://www.amazon.com/What-When-You-Worry-Much/dp/1591473144/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1283453542&sr=8-1

 

For some people, I'm sure that's quite true.

For others, particularly with anxiety issues or OCD tendencies... Let's just say that ds would go into a rage if ignored, and I would go into a resentful depression! You might be able to shut our mouths up, but our brains will go bananas!

[5LittleMonkeys]

She asks a question, I say "not sure" and when I here the "but.." I say "you get 3 questions, make them good and then we are moving on :001_smile:." .

 

I did try this a while back but it about threw her into a fit to narrow it down to the few questions I allowed her. I might try that again but give her 4 instead of the 2 I gave her. She does think she has to have a viable plan for every possible scenario that happens. She doesn't deal well at all with plan changing.

 

While I will look into the book recommendation, I know that if I completely ignore her or if she feels she is being blown off or dismissed she gets super depressed and very argumentative with her siblings. I have to acknowledge her question and make her feel like I am taking it serious and giving it attention. She just doesn't seem to be able to deal with the non-committal answers she gets. Not in a bratty-I want an answer now- way but more of a -okay, I'm feeling very overwhelmed because I don't know where to go from here- way. Does that make sense?

[Daisy]

Sounds like my 11yo. She just WANTS to know what is going on. I think it is that struggle between childhood and adulthood. She is still a child and doesn't need to know every single detail of our plans, but it drives her crazy not to know what the adults know (or she thinks we know). LOL. I tell her what I can. I tell her when I can't tell her everything. And I tell her she is just going to have to get used to not knowing everything. Heck, even grown ups don't know what is going on half the time. Often when she thinks we don't have our plans all worked out she does start presenting various scenarios and solutions.

 

She is nosy, a bit bossy, a planner, and a bit of a control freak.

 

I was the exact same way so I can read her like a book.

 

When she pushes too hard, I just look at her and tell her the discussion is over. If and when I'm ready to provide her with more information or request her help in planning, she'll know about it. She usually has a pretty good grouch on about that but she accepts it with a little attitudy. She often thinks she can solve every problem. She has the innocence of a child, the curiosity of a cat, the vocabulary of a lawyer, and the tenacity of a bulldog.

Edited September 2, 2010 by Daisy

[WTMCassandra]

I don't think my children are as obsessive as that, but what mostly works is for me to say, "I do. not. have. enough information to decide about that now. I can't tell you what I don't know." And rinse, repeat. Over time, they seem to be *beginning* to learn that I mean what I say and will indeed get back to them when the needed information appears. And I would cut off the questions after a certain point. Not meanly, but firmly. One's need to obsess does not give carte blanche to pester someone to death. She needs to learn that you are a person too.

[Corraleno]

Any insight as to why she is doing this or how to get her to stop. Is there such a thing as someone becoming obsessive over an uncertainty? It really is becoming a more and more prevalent problem and it is hard to deal with.

 

Some people are just go-with-the-flow types who have no trouble with uncertainty, and others tend to feel nervous or unsettled if they don't know what's coming. Put yourself in the place of a child who needs to feel that things are planned out and under control in order to feel calm & secure — when the parent repeatedly says "I don't know" it can make a nervous child feel even more nervous, because it seems (to them) like the parent hasn't even planned things out and doesn't have things under control. My DS12 is a need-to-know type, and I don't think these kids have any clue that they're being annoying (or even why it would be annoying), because in their minds they're simply trying to clarify the situation: OK, you couldn't answer that first question, let me ask in a different way with more concrete details and see if that helps you answer it. If you look at the situation from your DD's perspective, she probably finds it annoying that no matter how much she tries to help you clarify the situation, you still won't answer the question. ;)

 

I've found that what works best is to give as much concrete information as possible up front, even if you can't provide a definitive yes or no. For example: "I don't know yet if you can have a playdate on Friday afternoon. That partly depends on how much homework James has for the weekend and if his mom needs him to do some of it on Friday. It's also possible that Uncle Bob may come on Friday instead of Saturday. If neither of those things happen, then you can probably have a playdate. We should know for sure by Thursday afternoon." That way, the child understands what the parameters are and has a time frame for a more definitive answer — and they understand that the parent has thought it through, and that therefore everything is under control.

 

Jackie

[Daisy]

Some people are just go-with-the-flow types who have no trouble with uncertainty, and others tend to feel nervous or unsettled if they don't know what's coming. Put yourself in the place of a child who needs to feel that things are planned out and under control in order to feel calm & secure — when the parent repeatedly says "I don't know" it can make a nervous child feel even more nervous, because it seems (to them) like the parent hasn't even planned things out and doesn't have things under control. My DS12 is a need-to-know type, and I don't think these kids have any clue that they're being annoying (or even why it would be annoying), because in their minds they're simply trying to clarify the situation: OK, you couldn't answer that first question, let me ask in a different way with more concrete details and see if that helps you answer it. If you look at the situation from your DD's perspective, she probably finds it annoying that no matter how much she tries to help you clarify the situation, you still won't answer the question. ;)

 

I've found that what works best is to give as much concrete information as possible up front, even if you can't provide a definitive yes or no. For example: "I don't know yet if you can have a playdate on Friday afternoon. That partly depends on how much homework James has for the weekend and if his mom needs him to do some of it on Friday. It's also possible that Uncle Bob may come on Friday instead of Saturday. If neither of those things happen, then you can probably have a playdate. We should know for sure by Thursday afternoon." That way, the child understands what the parameters are and has a time frame for a more definitive answer — and they understand that the parent has thought it through, and that therefore everything is under control.

 

Jackie

 

EXACTLY! LOL. You nailed it. BTW, I'm still this way. I have learned that life is often uncertain and so now I just have multiple scenarios running in my head at all times. I'm probably a little bit crazy.

[ChrisB]

Some people are just go-with-the-flow types who have no trouble with uncertainty, and others tend to feel nervous or unsettled if they don't know what's coming. Put yourself in the place of a child who needs to feel that things are planned out and under control in order to feel calm & secure — when the parent repeatedly says "I don't know" it can make a nervous child feel even more nervous, because it seems (to them) like the parent hasn't even planned things out and doesn't have things under control. My DS12 is a need-to-know type, and I don't think these kids have any clue that they're being annoying (or even why it would be annoying), because in their minds they're simply trying to clarify the situation: OK, you couldn't answer that first question, let me ask in a different way with more concrete details and see if that helps you answer it. If you look at the situation from your DD's perspective, she probably finds it annoying that no matter how much she tries to help you clarify the situation, you still won't answer the question. ;)

 

I've found that what works best is to give as much concrete information as possible up front, even if you can't provide a definitive yes or no. For example: "I don't know yet if you can have a playdate on Friday afternoon. That partly depends on how much homework James has for the weekend and if his mom needs him to do some of it on Friday. It's also possible that Uncle Bob may come on Friday instead of Saturday. If neither of those things happen, then you can probably have a playdate. We should know for sure by Thursday afternoon." That way, the child understands what the parameters are and has a time frame for a more definitive answer — and they understand that the parent has thought it through, and that therefore everything is under control.

 

Jackie

:iagree:

[ThatCyndiGirl]

My aunt is like this. Not with the obsessive "well, what about this" part, but she HAS TO KNOW THE ITINERARY of the day, even on vacation. My thought process is: we are on vacation, let's just see what happens. (We have never planned tours or anything else in which someone else is counting on our presence.) She keeps on us until we say SOME PLANS. The last time she was at our house she said,"I just can't get a straight answer out of anybody around here!" I was thinking that we were relaxing and taking it easy.

 

Maybe if you said to your dd, "I can't possibly know the answer to that question because it depends on several different factors. My answer right now is that I DO NOT KNOW. If you keep pestering me then the answer will quickly change to NO."

[5LittleMonkeys]

 

I've found that what works best is to give as much concrete information as possible up front, even if you can't provide a definitive yes or no. For example: "I don't know yet if you can have a playdate on Friday afternoon. That partly depends on how much homework James has for the weekend and if his mom needs him to do some of it on Friday. It's also possible that Uncle Bob may come on Friday instead of Saturday. If neither of those things happen, then you can probably have a playdate. We should know for sure by Thursday afternoon." That way, the child understands what the parameters are and has a time frame for a more definitive answer — and they understand that the parent has thought it through, and that therefore everything is under control.

 

Jackie

 

This is good. Maybe I'm not giving her enough info.

 

I will start making a big effort to give her as much info as I can and maybe even beat her to the punch and throw in a few scenarios of my own. It certainly can't make things worse.

[Laurel]

Some people are just go-with-the-flow types who have no trouble with uncertainty, and others tend to feel nervous or unsettled if they don't know what's coming. Put yourself in the place of a child who needs to feel that things are planned out and under control in order to feel calm & secure — when the parent repeatedly says "I don't know" it can make a nervous child feel even more nervous, because it seems (to them) like the parent hasn't even planned things out and doesn't have things under control. My DS12 is a need-to-know type, and I don't think these kids have any clue that they're being annoying (or even why it would be annoying), because in their minds they're simply trying to clarify the situation: OK, you couldn't answer that first question, let me ask in a different way with more concrete details and see if that helps you answer it. If you look at the situation from your DD's perspective, she probably finds it annoying that no matter how much she tries to help you clarify the situation, you still won't answer the question. ;)

 

I've found that what works best is to give as much concrete information as possible up front, even if you can't provide a definitive yes or no. For example: "I don't know yet if you can have a playdate on Friday afternoon. That partly depends on how much homework James has for the weekend and if his mom needs him to do some of it on Friday. It's also possible that Uncle Bob may come on Friday instead of Saturday. If neither of those things happen, then you can probably have a playdate. We should know for sure by Thursday afternoon." That way, the child understands what the parameters are and has a time frame for a more definitive answer — and they understand that the parent has thought it through, and that therefore everything is under control.

 

Jackie

 

:iagree: 100%

 

I am the exact same way. I always need to have a plan and know what is going on. And I always have a plan b, and usually c, d, and e running through my head, so that if things do not go according to plan, I Still Have A Plan. This actually enables me to be a very go-with-the-flow type of person because rather than insist we stick to one plan, I can very easily make the transition to the next plan.

[simka2]

Just wanted to add (and take it or leave it :D) but we have started to talk to dd about "future tripping." We will discuss how much energy she is putting into the "what ifs?" and if it is really helping her or hurting her.

 

Now, I am a firm believer in finding out what dd needs, how she is wired, and teaching her to cope and thrive...but I have also found that I can point out that "Yes, all those things "could" happen, but what are you gaining by worrying about them?"

 

That said...I like to have a plan :D. Dh is actually kinda like this...and sometimes I have to stop him and say, "future tripping, doesn't allow us to not press forward in the here and now." But that is a more adult concept.

[Laurie4b]

My most organized kid does this. Drives me cuckoo. He just like to have plans nailed down and I get frustrated when my first answer isn't accepted. "I don't know means I don't know! I don't know now what I didn't know a few minutes ago just because the question is more specific!" He's 11 too.

[Corraleno]

My aunt is like this. Not with the obsessive "well, what about this" part, but she HAS TO KNOW THE ITINERARY of the day, even on vacation. My thought process is: we are on vacation, let's just see what happens. (We have never planned tours or anything else in which someone else is counting on our presence.) She keeps on us until we say SOME PLANS. The last time she was at our house she said,"I just can't get a straight answer out of anybody around here!" I was thinking that we were relaxing and taking it easy.

But can you see that from her perspective you probably all look like a bunch of disorganized flakes, lol? Each "side" in the issue thinks that they're the normal ones and the other people are the crazy ones.

 

Just wanted to add (and take it or leave it :D) but we have started to talk to dd about "future tripping." We will discuss how much energy she is putting into the "what ifs?" and if it is really helping her or hurting her.

 

Now, I am a firm believer in finding out what dd needs, how she is wired, and teaching her to cope and thrive...but I have also found that I can point out that "Yes, all those things "could" happen, but what are you gaining by worrying about them?"

There's a subtle but significant difference between someone who just wants to know what the plan is, and someone who worries incessantly about things going wrong with the plan, KWIM? If a child keeps "pestering" a parent for information about where they're going that day or when their next playdate is or where their birthday party will be held, etc., then they're really just looking for information, and IMHO that's not obsessing. That's just a child (or the PP's aunt, lol) getting frustrated because they're not getting a straight answer!

 

OTOH, a child who is obsessing about what could go wrong (what if no one comes to my birthday party, what if no one likes me, what if I cry and embarrass myself, etc.), that's a different issue. Those are the kind of issues where a child needs to learn not to "feed" the anxieties and not to let "future-tripping" interfere with their daily life. But if a child is just asking for information, because they're Type A and always like to have a plan, then I think the parent really should try to meet their need for information (to the extent they can), rather than just treat their questions as unnecessary annoyances.

 

Jackie

[KidsHappen]

"I can't possibly know the answer to that question because it depends on several different factors. My answer right now is that I DO NOT KNOW. If you keep pestering me then the answer will quickly change to NO."

 

This is what I do. Pestering always leads to NO.

[KidsHappen]

It might help to tell you child that you don't know right now but she could plan for either eventuality so that she is prepared when the answer comes. It might even distract her while she makes these plans.

 

My hubby is a big planner probably because he has limited time at home and a certain number of things he needs to accomplish before leaving again. I am more of a wake up and see what I feel like doing kind of person. It drives me nuts when he asks me first thing in the morning what my plans are. Well, I don't have any yet, because I haven't even had my coffee yet. Or sometimes he will ask what I am going to do when I am already clearly doing something. Well, I am going to continue doing what I am doing until I am done and then I will figure out what I am going to do then.