So sad for my sister (and a bit of a vent)

[swellmomma]

My bil walked out on their marriage on Friday night. They have a 2 year old son, there is no real reason for him leaving. Basically they have hit a rough patch these last 8 weeks, and he has decided it is too much work to try and keep their marriage going and has walked away. I am so heart broken for her and my nephew, and so angry at him. I couldn't sleep last night and wrote one of those letters that you know will never be sent to him, jsut to get a lot off my chest. It is a pretty good letter imo, and it is too bad that he will not be seeing it. Even though I knew he was not going to see it I refrained from blaming and cussing etc. I am at a loss on how he could do this. This is a couple, that does not even argue, has been together 8 years, well off so no financial issues to wear at them. THis is the first tough patch they have faced ever in their relationship (before and during this marriage) and he is so quick to quit like this. They had their first fight 8 weeks ago. THis is insane. I have BTDT with a terrible marriage that had to end kwim, and if her marriage had anything going on that mine did I would understand why he is walking away. His excuse is he just doesn't love her anymore. Tough cookies, I say. You have a child together, and made a vow to each other. You do not get to walk away from that just because you don't have that euphoric feeling of love anymore, or because it is now taking some work. Love is the actions to show to the other person even when you don't have that euphoric feeling. Trust me, There are days I do not have that feeling for my kids, that doesn't mean I get to just up and walk away from them. You do not get to just walk away from my sister and my nephew. Be an honorable man and fight for your marriage, do not run like a scared little boy. They deserve better than that!

 

Sorry ladies and gents for turning it into a vent, but I have promised my sister I would not say anything to him directly about this but I am so hurt and angry for her. She did all the right things, she waited to get married and start having kids etc. And still she is in the same situation as me, on her own with her kid, and I have never done the right things. It isn't fair to her or my nephew.

[Blueridge]

:grouphug: for you, and :grouphug: for your sister!

[Jyniffrec]

His excuse is he just doesn't love her anymore. Tough cookies, I say. You have a child together, and made a vow to each other. You do not get to walk away from that just because you don't have that euphoric feeling of love anymore, or because it is now taking some work. Love is the actions to show to the other person even when you don't have that euphoric feeling. Trust me, There are days I do not have that feeling for my kids, that doesn't mean I get to just up and walk away from them.

 

My best friend just did this to her family. She refuses to see how much she is hurting everyone involved (including my children). She is no longer my best friend. :glare:

[Mimm]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry for your sister. "I don't love him/her anymore" is a frighteningly common excuse for divorce. And I just don't get it. :(

[Nakia]

Is it possible he is having an affair? It just seems weird for him to walk out on what sounds like a good marriage. I'm so sorry. :grouphug: for you and your sister.

[jenL]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry. It would break my heart to watch my sister go through that too. Hopefully, he will come to his senses and realize quitting is the cowardly way out. May your sister be strong through all this. :grouphug:

[swellmomma]

My best friend just did this to her family. She refuses to see how much she is hurting everyone involved (including my children). She is no longer my best friend. :glare:

 

That's just it. He was the main male my oldest ds looked up to. This is going to kill him when he finds out. He is still dealing with his father not being there and we have been separated for 9 years, and now this with the main guy he looked up to. I cannot stand by and let someone hurt my kids, I just can't. They have suffered enough in their few years to have the adults they trusted turn out to be like this.

 

My brother saw my bil as the brother he never had. They hang out in the same circles, and it is going to tear him up to hear this. He is on his honeymoon right now, and it was in part because of the success he was seeing in my sister and bil's marriage that he was able to get past his own fears of marriage and actually marry the girl he loves. There is no way he would accept a brother of his doing this and even worse, to hurt his sister like this will make him see red.

 

My bil came to my parents and asked permission to marry my sister, and promised to take care of her, never hurt her etc. Any and all respect my parents had for him is gone.

 

It is pure selfishness. It's that simple. He still wants to focus on 1 person, himself and seems to have forgotten he is no longer a party of one, he has a wife and child, he is no longer number 1 in this equation.

[swellmomma]

Is it possible he is having an affair? It just seems weird for him to walk out on what sounds like a good marriage. I'm so sorry. :grouphug: for you and your sister.

 

An affair of the heart yes, physically no. Meaning he has made an emotional connection with a woman at work. They have never been sexual together but there is an emotional connection that should not exist.

[StephanieZ]

Is it possible he is having an affair? It just seems weird for him to walk out on what sounds like a good marriage. I'm so sorry. :grouphug: for you and your sister.

 

My mom was a divorce atty before she retired. She would tell me that (in general) men leave for another woman. . . Women leave b/c they are unhappy, but before straying. Essentially, both do the same thing. . . but the man doesn't bother to leave until he has found a replacement love interest.

[Nakia]

An affair of the heart yes, physically no. Meaning he has made an emotional connection with a woman at work. They have never been sexual together but there is an emotional connection that should not exist.

 

 

Oh wow. I know from experience that those kind of affairs are just about as dangerous as sexual affairs. I am just so sorry. Are the Christians? Can she contact her pastor and get some help? He needs to be confronted and held accountable for what he is doing.

[Catwoman]

An affair of the heart yes, physically no. Meaning he has made an emotional connection with a woman at work. They have never been sexual together but there is an emotional connection that should not exist.

 

Sorry to say this, but I'm not buying it. There is no way for you or your sister to know whether or not her husband is physically involved with the other woman, but if he's telling her it's just an emotional connection, please remember that it is to his advantage to say that, but it is not necessarily the truth -- and realistically, it is VERY likely that he is lying.

 

Whatever the case, please be sure that your sister consults with an attorney IMMEDIATELY. She needs to know her rights, and needs to protect her own interests (as well as those of her child.)

 

Chances are good that her husband has already gotten legal advice. Don't let your sister be taken advantage of -- make sure she gets a good lawyer who specializes in divorce.

 

I'm so sorry she is going through this, but she is lucky to have such a supportive sister. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

Edited August 10, 2010 by Catwoman

[swellmomma]

Oh wow. I know from experience that those kind of affairs are just about as dangerous as sexual affairs. I am just so sorry. Are the Christians? Can she contact her pastor and get some help? He needs to be confronted and held accountable for what he is doing.

 

No they are not. I know they believe in God and Jesus but not as their saviour kwim. I am trying so hard to honor my sister's wishes and not contact him, but honestly I want to give him a piece of my mind and I do not mean in a blaming, cuss him out sort of way. I just happen to have a bit more experience than them in this stuff, and as they both like to point out I am the older one (and I remind them often the wiser one). I want him to see all the sides of this and get his head out of his *ahem* and fight for his marriage. My sister knows I am here for her in any way she needs,a nd while I promised her I would not confront him at this time, I did warn her that the first time he hurts my nephew by missing a visitiation or whatever I WILL be in his face about it in a blaming cussing out sort of way. I will not have my nephew go through the hurt I watch my kids go through all the time.

 

I am so sick and tired of people thinking that marriage vows include the words "as long as it is fun" or "as long as it is easy". Marriage is not easy. Plain and simple. No relationship is 100% easy or fun all of the time. Whether that is the relationship you have with your neighbor, or mohter, your boss or the mailman. They all take some level of work. Marriage is just more of that work but the pay out is so much more than the what you get out of any of the other relationships in your life. I just wish he was mature enough to see that.

 

My sister wants so badly to make her marriage work. SHe is willing to do whatever is necessary to fix things, this is not what she wants at all.

[lmrich]

So sorry. I have so many friends dealing with this. Why are so many men like Peter Pan - grow up buddy. How can we, as mothers of sons, teach our boys to be better man than the examples around them? I am astonished by the attitude of so many husbands.

 

Sorry you have to deal with this. Hope you can support your sister with her needs now.

[Catwoman]

My sister wants so badly to make her marriage work. SHe is willing to do whatever is necessary to fix things, this is not what she wants at all.

 

If my husband were having an affair ("emotional" or otherwise,) I'd throw his sorry butt to the curb so fast it would make his head spin.

 

But that's just me.

 

Whether or not she wants to work things out with her husband, I still think your sister needs solid legal advice.

 

And remember, this affair may have been going on for quite some time, and your BIL could have already made plans for a future with this woman.

 

Cat

[Nakia]

No they are not. I know they believe in God and Jesus but not as their saviour kwim. I am trying so hard to honor my sister's wishes and not contact him, but honestly I want to give him a piece of my mind and I do not mean in a blaming, cuss him out sort of way. I just happen to have a bit more experience than them in this stuff, and as they both like to point out I am the older one (and I remind them often the wiser one). I want him to see all the sides of this and get his head out of his *ahem* and fight for his marriage. My sister knows I am here for her in any way she needs,a nd while I promised her I would not confront him at this time, I did warn her that the first time he hurts my nephew by missing a visitiation or whatever I WILL be in his face about it in a blaming cussing out sort of way. I will not have my nephew go through the hurt I watch my kids go through all the time.

 

I am so sick and tired of people thinking that marriage vows include the words "as long as it is fun" or "as long as it is easy". Marriage is not easy. Plain and simple. No relationship is 100% easy or fun all of the time. Whether that is the relationship you have with your neighbor, or mohter, your boss or the mailman. They all take some level of work. Marriage is just more of that work but the pay out is so much more than the what you get out of any of the other relationships in your life. I just wish he was mature enough to see that.

 

My sister wants so badly to make her marriage work. SHe is willing to do whatever is necessary to fix things, this is not what she wants at all.

 

I know what you are going through. My brother's first wife cheated on him, and she even moved the man into their home, while he was on his first deployment to Iraq. I wanted to rip her face off. But somehow I refrained. I hated seeing my brother hurt like that. But it has been 6 years, and he is healed from that. He is remarried to a wonderful woman, but he doesn't get to see his children very often.

 

Anyway, I feel the same way about people casually walking out on their marriage. It makes me sick. I know there are very valid reasons to leave a marriage, but just because you don't want to work on it during the rough patches is no reason.

 

I will pray for them. And for you. I know how you are hurting.

[ChiMomNP]

Brandy,

 

I'm so sorry. "I don't love you anymore" is very often part of the fog wayward spouses are in when they are involved with someone else. So she does know why he left, he left because he is having an affair. Emotional affairs are just as damaging and usually they are physical but the wayward spouse denies, denies, denies and the affair partner denies as well. If I were her, I'd start digging a little deeper into this, looking at cell phone records, emails and so on. Cheaters lie and liars cheat. The odds are far higher they are having a physical relationship than that they are not(or will be before long). My heart breaks for her. She needs to seek legal advice immediately. I can't stress that enough. Even if she wants to try and save her marriage, she needs to be protected incase he has already moved on and won't consider ending his affair and reconciling.

 

There is hope after an affair, even if the spouse leaves for the affair partner. The marriage can be saved. It takes a tremendous amount of work but it is possible. My husband and I are 17 months into our reconciliation after his affairs and things are really good. I'll be praying for her and their son.

[lynds2]

:grouphug: We had this happen in our family a few years ago. Support your sister, it is such a difficult thing to go through.

[Kathleen in VA]

Is it possible he is having an affair? It just seems weird for him to walk out on what sounds like a good marriage. I'm so sorry. :grouphug: for you and your sister.

 

This is what crossed my mind as well. It seems like he's feeling guilty about something which probably led to the fight - people get defensive about stupid stuff when they're hiding bigger issues - and he just doesn't want to tell her there's someone else in the picture. I'm sorry, but she's probably better off without him if that's the case. I hope she gets a good lawyer. He owes her big time.

[*Inna*]

My heart goes out for your sister. :grouphug:

[celticmom]

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

However another point, if it is even remotely possible that he has had a physical relationship that he is not admitting to a visit to the doctor may be prudent for both health and legal reasons.

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Catwoman]

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

However another point, if it is even remotely possible that he has had a physical relationship that he is not admitting to a visit to the doctor may be prudent for both health and legal reasons.

 

That is an excellent suggestion.

 

Cat

[swellmomma]

Brandy,

 

I'm so sorry. "I don't love you anymore" is very often part of the fog wayward spouses are in when they are involved with someone else. So she does know why he left, he left because he is having an affair. Emotional affairs are just as damaging and usually they are physical but the wayward spouse denies, denies, denies and the affair partner denies as well. If I were her, I'd start digging a little deeper into this, looking at cell phone records, emails and so on. Cheaters lie and liars cheat. The odds are far higher they are having a physical relationship than that they are not(or will be before long). My heart breaks for her. She needs to seek legal advice immediately. I can't stress that enough. Even if she wants to try and save her marriage, she needs to be protected incase he has already moved on and won't consider ending his affair and reconciling.

 

There is hope after an affair, even if the spouse leaves for the affair partner. The marriage can be saved. It takes a tremendous amount of work but it is possible. My husband and I are 17 months into our reconciliation after his affairs and things are really good. I'll be praying for her and their son.

 

This is how she found out. She saw he fell asleep after texting with this woman for an hour one night and left his phone on. He swore he would cut off as much contact as possible (but he works with this woman). My sister checked his emails and found one from her to him saying she wishes things were different and they could be together, how she wants to be physical with him (though in smut talk), and wishes he would stop refusing her. So that is how we know it has not gone physical with her. It is because he has refused tyo be physical with this woman that my sister is wanting to work at this. Somewhere deep down he knows what he is doing right now is wrong, he is just not facing it kwim.

[sonsmama]

:grouphug:

[Tess in the Burbs]

There is hope after an affair, even if the spouse leaves for the affair partner. The marriage can be saved. It takes a tremendous amount of work but it is possible.

 

Ditto. My dh and I are 1 year into reconciliation and it's been wonderful to get back to a great relationship. it was hard work on both our parts, but it's possible.

[Blueridge]

My bil walked out on their marriage on Friday night...

 

And, sorry to say, he probably headed straight for that nasty woman's house. I am very sorry for your sister. If it were me in this circumstance, I would be very tempted to go visit that woman at their workplace, and very calmly (in front of lots of witnesses) ask her why she was flirting/committing adultery with MY HUSBAND. :glare: Not a good idea, I know, but I would sure think about it. I just wouldn't be able to be passive or patient at this point. These terrible things are almost impossible to believe. :grouphug: He'll be sorry one day and your sister will heal with the passing of time.

[savoybrwn]

:grouphug:It's like an epidemic. I have friends going through the same thing. Married for 17 years and now the husband doesn't "love her" anymore. Hasn't for the last 8 years he says. We met them 3 years ago and one of the things we loved about this family was the love the showed each other. The way he looked at his wife was so beautiful. Facebook happened. So sad that the grass is greener. Wish I could give you advice. Just praying.

 

Dianna

 

married 15 yrs

dd 12

dd 10

ds 6

[Catwoman]

This is how she found out. She saw he fell asleep after texting with this woman for an hour one night and left his phone on. He swore he would cut off as much contact as possible (but he works with this woman). My sister checked his emails and found one from her to him saying she wishes things were different and they could be together, how she wants to be physical with him (though in smut talk), and wishes he would stop refusing her. So that is how we know it has not gone physical with her. It is because he has refused tyo be physical with this woman that my sister is wanting to work at this. Somewhere deep down he knows what he is doing right now is wrong, he is just not facing it kwim.

 

He was texting back and forth with her while he was at home???

 

Your poor sister!

 

I hope your sister isn't groveling and begging him to come back home. Right now, he probably thinks he's Joe Studmuffin because he's in the middle of two women who want him, and that is not a good thing for your sister.

 

Your sister needs to stand up for herself and let her dh know that what he is doing is unacceptable. Personally, I wouldn't give him another chance, but if that's what your sister wants to do, she needs to be very clear that he has one chance to straighten up and make it clear to this other woman that he is committed to his marriage and he is finished with her.

 

And then he needs to get another job, pronto. ANY job. No excuses.

 

The other woman isn't going to give up that easily, and she clearly doesn't care at all that your BIL has a wife and young child, so he simply can't work with her anymore. Ever. Truthfully, the woman may not even be in love with him; he could be nothing more than a conquest to her, but ultimately, that doesn't even matter. What matters is that he is responding to her advances, and if he's texting back and forth with her at home in the evening, he is not trying to cut off contact, and he is being incredibly disrespectful to your sister.

 

Your sister needs to act a lot stronger than she feels, and I know I've already suggested this, but she needs to see an attorney, and she needs to do it right now. She needs to protect her interests and those of her child.

 

I know she's heartbroken and wants to make her marriage work, but it's not working right now, and she needs to be prepared for the possibility of a divorce. She needs to document all of the things that have happened, and keep copies of texts and emails. If things eventually work out between your sister and her dh, that's great, but she needs to be realistic and prepared, in case everything goes south in a hurry.

 

The biggest thing she needs to remember is that her dh cannot be trusted right now. He has lied to her, and he is actively cheating on her. He will lie to save face. He will lie to get what he wants. He will lie to keep her at a disadvantage while he gets all of his ducks in a row as he prepares to file for a divorce.

 

I hope I'm wrong about him, but I have seen too many friends go through similar situations, and things never ended well for the women who didn't assume the worst and prepare for it.

 

Cat

Edited August 10, 2010 by Catwoman

[Catwoman]

And, sorry to say, he probably headed straight for that nasty woman's house.

 

I was thinking the same thing.

 

He'll be sorry one day and your sister will heal with the passing of time.

 

He'll probably be sorry one night when Other Woman falls asleep on the couch and he notices that she was texting with some other guy from work... or at least I hope that's what will happen.

 

Cat

[Catwoman]

How is your sister holding up, Brandy?

 

Cat

[swellmomma]

How is your sister holding up, Brandy?

 

Cat

 

She is taking things hard. He did not go to the woamn's house that night. He has been staying at his brother's place(and his ready to pop wife) and they have been giving him what for everyday.Saturday night, Monday night and Wednesday night he stayed at home with their son and my sister stayed at my folks. They are trying to keep things as normal for their son as possible through this transition. Sis hates having to leave her own home and not tuck her son into bed etc on those nights, but she knows if she sticks around while he is there he will not focus on the little one and will instead try to argue. They are going to sit down tonight to talk while my mom watches my nephew.

 

Fortunately my nephew was already scheduled to ramp up his hours at dayhome in preparation of her going back to work in a couple weeks(she teaches high school level math, social and law at one of the colleges in the city). So he has had a safe and happy place to be during the mornings allowing my sister time to focus on herself and wrok through this grief without neglecting him. She seems better able to focus on him with out the tears etc in the afternoons with this arrangement. It will be interesting to see how she does in a few weeks when she is back at work. After being away from her little one all day working, she then has to go to my folks place and not get to see him until after work the next day kwim.

 

I know most single parents that share parenting and this is the norm but it is not what she planned for when planning her child kwim. It is one thing I have been ever grateful for with having an absentee ex. I never have to miss out on those times etc with my kids, I don't have to share when I don't want to.

 

She is going to speak to a lawyer about getting a legal separation order. In our province because their was no abuse etc they have to be separated for at least 1 year before they can even apply for divorce. Int eh eman time I want her and my nephew protected so I have been talking to her about doing this. It was something I neglected to do, and it meant for 6 years I got no child support, and custody was up in the air. Our province really pushes for joint custody, so their arrangement will be much different than what I live with daily. I have 100% sole custody, so unlike my situation my sister will have to consult with my bil about every major decision for my nephew which is good in some respects but at the same time I can see it leading to some major issues as he gets older. Plus the shared time. I am hoping they can get to a better arrangement than what they are currently doing. It is not right that my sister has to leave her own home several times a week when he is the one that walked out. I understand WHy she is doing it but do not agree with it(which I have told her). they are listing this house for sale as soon as she has a lawyer and legal separation order in place to protect the proceeds. In addition they were building their dream home which is nearly completed. He has been rubbing in that he can buy it on his own yada yada. It was her dream home that SHE designed etc so it is just another low blow. He will be given the option to buy her out or they will list that as soon as it is ready too.

 

Her current plan to do this house sharing thing until January/February. At that time she is already scheduled for 2 months paid vacation, and both houses will be on the market if not already sold. It will give her the time she needs to find a suitable rental house, save up needed funds, find a new dayhome for my nephew (she is going to mvoe back to our hometown and be closer to my folks).

 

What a weird thing for me to be thinking I was so jealous, they were getting their dream home etc, and now I am the one owning a home and she is reduced back to renting. She has a plan of attack and while she is hoping for reconciliation, and has said she is greatful for my prayers in that regard she is making plans to protect herself and my nephew legally.

 

In another twist my mom is getting this wierd possessive/jealous streak. My sister and I have a talked at length a few times about her options/plans etc. We have also been back to the city twice already this week. My sister wanted to see us while we were at my moms etc. My mom has made a point of kicking us out and sending us on our way before my sister can arrive. Yesterday she declared it is better for my sister not to discuss all of this with me. In her opinion I make single parenthood "glamorous" and will make my sister stop trying to fix her marriage. Umm, yup I make living in poverty way over my head look good. At no point have I told my sister not to try, I have simply told her of ways to protect themselves. I also made a point of letting my sister know the strengths I see in her with her situation (silver lining type of thing). That she has such a well paying, secure job she loves, her son is happy and healthy and i have no doubt he will continue to be even through this because of her dedication to him, her son is in a very good dayhome with a provider that loves him, and despite my bil being an idiot right now, he does still lvoe his son and is there for him right now, etc. So SO much different than me having no real education or job prospects when I left my ex. I went to work for minimum wage in a daycare in exchange for free daycare. Turned out the place was abusive, not good. I lived in a mouse infested run down apartment etc until I could get into subsidized housing etc. I has taken 9 years to get to the point we are at now that I can afford to stay home etc. My sister and my nephew will never have those worries, her salary will afford them a very nice upscale rental house. She will never skip eating a whoel day to make sure their is enough food my my nephew, or choose to battle a throat infection with salt water gargling rather than antibiotics, not because she has strong feelings about it but because she can not afford the meds etc. There is nothing glamorous about my life but my mom thinks that is what I am presenting to my sister.

 

I think what it really comes down to is that I am the black sheep and yet I am the one being turned to and my mom isn't kwim. I am the one the experience and knowledge in this area and my mom hates that. Plus she is big on simply walking away from stressors and refusing to face them. (which is why she wants my to give my oldest ds up to foster care rather than fight for his health etc my self.)

 

All in all I think my sister is going to be okay no matter what the outcome of all of this is. And in the end I just might end up getting jealous now and then again. If anyone is making single parenthood glamorous I think my sister can do it.

[Catwoman]

Brandy, your sister is so lucky to have you as her sister! You are giving her excellent advice, and I'm sure your sister will be ok as time passes.

 

It sounds like your bil is taking a lot of heat on all sides, so maybe he will come to his senses, but your sister needs to think long and hard about whether or not she will ever be able to trust him again, and whether she could trust him not to run away again every time the going gets a little tough.

 

Time and a lot of talking with friends and family will help her think more clearly.

 

Cat