can I vent a little...ugh!

[misidawnrn]

OK, I have a 15 1/2 yo stepdd that will try to get out of manual labor at any price and corner cutting...for example...I have caught her doing the dishes under just cold running water, no soap, multiple times, called her on it and asked her to please use hot water and soap! (I really try not to "parent" my stepgirls because it is their dad's job but sorry, gotta have clean dishes!)

 

OK, fast forward to Saturday. We farm 80 miles from town and have a house in both places. I had to come back to town so I had both little DD's with me. I stopped at a little town on the way back to go potty and my stupid car wouldn't go in reverse:confused::confused: A few farmers looked at it and thought it was a rock in the brakes but I should be ok to go the 80 miles back home and have my DH fix it. I got home (DH still at the farm BTW) and when DH called later that night he thought it was not a rock, it was the transmission....great, there goes a few thousand bucks.

 

Well, today DH talks to a transmission place and they think it is the brakes, not the trans. So DH has the car apart in the garage (he is also a mechanic that builds racecar engines when not farming) and he comes in and says "it is the brakes" and asks stepdd which side she put together when they put brakes on my car a few weeks ago, she said both front ones. Well after he told her that she didn't put a main bolt on the brakes is the reason the brakes didn't work, it was all I could do not to lose it! I can't believe that he let a 15 yo put the brakes on my car and didn't check the work!!!!!! Expecially one he KNOWS hates mechanic work and does a shoddy job at most everything she does! (I have an 18yo stepDD that loves it!!!!)

The thing that really makes me mad is that I drove the car 80 miles on a road that has tons of fast curves and cliffs (not that I took them that fast because I am a chicken driver!) but still, with my 2 littles in the car and if the brakes went out, we would have been in big trouble!

 

DH and I do not argue and if things are bugging me I usually bottle them up to avoid confrontation but geez...I really feel like that put the lives of myself and littles in danger! Hopefully I can find a calm way of bring this up.

 

I totally understand him wanting to show 15yo how to work on cars and that is all fine but CHECK THE WORK!!!!!

 

OK, off vent, thanks for listening.

[Harriet Vane]

There needs to be an agreement between you and your dh to check her work and to supervise her each. and. every. time. as she clearly needs the training.

 

And yes, I'd be livid in your shoes.

[2cents]

Yikes! That would make me really angry too. The passive-aggressive side of me would start taking the car to a shop for fixing. That would get the message across.

[Impish]

I'd be livid, foaming at the mouth, full body spasm livid.

[mama23]

Yikes!!! That is really a scary thought! I cant believe her work wasn't check irregardless of how good her work may or may not be, she is just 15!! I do think an argument is in order on this one though... I would be through the roof livid!

[QueenRainbow]

I would be FURIOUS! I definitely thing you need to talk to him about this. What would happen if her work wasn't right and something happened while you were driving.

[Mrs Mungo]

Yikes!!! That is really a scary thought! I cant believe her work wasn't check irregardless of how good her work may or may not be, she is just 15!! I do think an argument is in order on this one though... I would be through the roof livid!

 

:iagree:

[Aggie]

This is justified anger. If your dh sees you angry about this, it might make an impression on him. Let him see you angry about this MAJOR life threatening decision of his.

 

Ime, there is nothing wrong with anger. There are good ways to express it and some awful ways to express it. Even Jesus was angry when people weren't doing what they were supposed to be doing.

[misidawnrn]

This is justified anger. If your dh sees you angry about this, it might make an impression on him. Let him see you angry about this MAJOR life threatening decision of his.

 

Ime, there is nothing wrong with anger. There are good ways to express it and some awful ways to express it. Even Jesus was angry when people weren't doing what they were supposed to be doing.

The last line of this made me smile! thanks :001_smile: I am pretty sure DH would think me off my rocker if I started turning over tables but I was about ready to have a seizure over it, I was so mad!

 

I have taken my :chillpill: and now am more calm but this has been eating me all day. Hopefully tonight we can have some calm pillow talk.

[LauraGB]

I'm quite certain I would have had a holy stinkin' fit! You are a good woman, Melissa, for taking the time to calm down before you completely addressed the issue - much better than I.

 

I think, since everyone actually emerged alive from the situation, that this needs to be a major lesson in your sdd's life where she is made aware of how very important it is to do your best and not take short cuts, because those short cuts, not matter how small and meaningless, do affect others in one way or another whether she realizes it or not. Kids of all ages learn from experience; please be sure to convey to your dh that she needs to completely understand the potential ramifications her actions in all situations.

 

:grouphug: and glad you all are still alive!

[Catwoman]

This is not something that I would have even tried to handle as calm pillow talk. This is a situation that would have required immediate and direct confrontation or my head might have actually exploded. (No, really, it might have!)

 

I'm not saying you should yell and scream, but you have every right to be angry, and your husband should be mortified and sorry -- and very, very angry and disappointed with his daughter. Her laziness could have killed you and your little ones. This is not a minor issue. YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.

 

I guess my question is how your husband handled the situation. Wasn't he absolutely livid at his daughter? If he wasn't, that would seem to show a real lack of respect for you and your other children.

 

Sorry to say this, I am completely unable to comprehend why you don't feel that you can display some anger with both your husband and his daughter (her in particular) over a situation that could have resulted in a tragedy. Again, I'm not suggesting you throw a tantrum and yell and scream, but I think you are definitely entitled to a serious discussion about what happened, and if your stepdd was intentionally careless, I think she should face some serious consequences.

 

Personally, though, I can't imagine having an inexperienced 15 year-old work on such an important part of a car, particularly when it sounds like she doesn't even have an interest in auto mechanics, and even if he did have her help him, he should have checked and doublechecked every bit of her work. I think your husband really messed up by not making sure all of the work was done properly, particularly when this girl is known for cutting corners and not doing a good job.

 

BTW, I'm not criticizing you -- I just want to be sure you let your husband know how serious this was, so he will be much more careful in the future.

 

I can only imagine the frightening "what-if" thoughts you must be having! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Susan

Edited August 3, 2010 by Catwoman

[misidawnrn]

This is not something that I would have even tried to handle as calm pillow talk. This is a situation that would have required immediate and direct confrontation or my head might have actually exploded. (No, really, it might have!)

 

I'm not saying you should yell and scream, but you have every right to be angry, and your husband should be mortified and sorry -- and very, very angry and disappointed with his daughter. Her laziness could have killed you and your little ones. This is not a minor issue. YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.

 

I guess my question is how your husband handled the situation. Wasn't he absolutely livid at his daughter? If he wasn't, that would seem to show a real lack of respect for you and your other children.

 

Sorry to say this, I am completely unable to comprehend why you don't feel that you can display some anger with both your husband and his daughter (her in particular) over a situation that could have resulted in a tragedy. Again, I'm not suggesting you throw a tantrum and yell and scream, but I think you are definitely entitled to a serious discussion about what happened, and if your stepdd was intentionally careless, I think she should face some serious consequences.

 

Personally, though, I can't imagine having an inexperienced 15 year-old work on such an important part of a car, particularly when it sounds like she doesn't even have an interest in auto mechanics, and even if he did have her help him, he should have checked and doublechecked every bit of her work. I think your husband really messed up by not making sure all of the work was done properly, particularly when this girl is known for cutting corners and not doing a good job.

 

BTW, I'm not criticizing you -- I just want to be sure you let your husband know how serious this was, so he will be much more careful in the future.

 

I can only imagine the frightening "what-if" thoughts you must be having! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Susan

 

Your post is everything that is screaming inside of me! I guess I will answer it the best I can. I do not feel like I can talk to DH about my concerns/fears/problems for 2 reasons....I don't want to start a fight/issues/drama in our house and when I have brought up concerns/problems about his kids he gets defensive...not abusive or yelling, just defensive and then usually will bring up how much of a loser my 19yo pot smoking no job son is. (his girls are straight A students and can do no wrong in his eyes)

I was in a marriage that every thing became a conflict/fight and abusive so I try at all costs to avoid that. (not exactly healthy, I know).

DH never reprimands his girls. I used to bring any problems to him like please tell the girls to pick their dirty laundry up out of the bathroom and bring the towels out of their room when they go back to their moms so we actually have towels. (they both have long hair and would use 2-3 towels a shower so at the end of the week the towels are all dirty and in their rooms) Nothing ever became of it. I asked him to please make the 15yo sit up in church and not to sleep on his or other DSD's shoulder, it is disrepectful and she needs to sit up....again, nothing became of it...so I quit bringing it up. I throw their dirty socks in their room and shut the door. I now will at least say "please take your dirty glasses/dishes to the kitchen"

 

Anyways, I went to the garage where DH was working tonight and asked him calmly..."so, what exactly happened to my brakes?" and he said "Mary put them on and didn't tighten the bolts" so I said..."I am not trying to start a fight, but why didn't you check them? You know the curves I have to drive going to and from the farm and could have went off the cliff with the girls in the car with me"........WRONG! Then it was all about how when my son helped with a repair job and how he did this and that wrong.

 

I just turned and left the garage before I started crying...and that is where I sit. Now I am sitting here ruminating about if DSD did that on purpose or was she just being lazy...the world may never know!

 

I try hard to be a good Christian wife, to not argue, to let my DH make all the major decisions, to keep the house clean, meals cooked, kids taken care of, to not "pick" on his girls but I am still so mad I am shaking and nothing will become of it.

 

Well, the good thing is my car is fixed, we are all OK and the world will revolve around the sun by morning.

[Mimm]

Anyways, I went to the garage where DH was working tonight and asked him calmly..."so, what exactly happened to my brakes?" and he said "Mary put them on and didn't tighten the bolts" so I said..."I am not trying to start a fight, but why didn't you check them? You know the curves I have to drive going to and from the farm and could have went off the cliff with the girls in the car with me"........WRONG! Then it was all about how when my son helped with a repair job and how he did this and that wrong.

 

I just turned and left the garage before I started crying...and that is where I sit. Now I am sitting here ruminating about if DSD did that on purpose or was she just being lazy...the world may never know!

 

I try hard to be a good Christian wife, to not argue, to let my DH make all the major decisions, to keep the house clean, meals cooked, kids taken care of, to not "pick" on his girls but I am still so mad I am shaking and nothing will become of it.

 

Well, the good thing is my car is fixed, we are all OK and the world will revolve around the sun by morning.

 

Ok, I'm really not trying to offend you or anything, but this is really messed up. You try to approach him with your concerns, and he misdirects onto your son? And you feel like it's a "good Christian wife" thing to do to just walk away? Are good Christian wives not supposed to stand up for themselves when they're clearly being mistreated? Not supposed to stand up for the safety of their children? I really can't comprehend this...

[Impish]

I do my best to be a good Christian wife.

 

That said, my HUSBAND would be ready to rip faces off if someone, ANYONE had put the lives of his wife and babies in danger. He's admitted that if we ever get into an accident with a drunk driver, his first instinct will be to get over to that driver, crawling if necessary, and choke the life out of him.

 

And if a mechanic didn't put our brakes on right? He'd probably show up at his door step, enraged...and if not that, call the police wanting him charged with attempted murder.

 

Your HUSBAND should be angry about this. Be it at himself, his daughter, whatever. You and your kids could have been killed. For him to turn it around on your son is absolutely ridiculous. As much as the Bible tells us to be good wives, it also commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. He's so not holding up his end of the bargain.

 

I'd write him a letter, since talking doesn't work. Tell him everything you're thinking and feeling, and leave it for him in his morning coffee cup or somewhere else he can't miss it. He can't talk back to a letter, or switch it all on to you. That way, even if nothing more is ever said, you know you were heard, that you had your say.

[hornblower]

Is it the 'his' dd's and 'my' ds thing normal now? Even if step parenting I'd think that everything becomes "OURS" now. :confused: I'd parent these girls & take them in hand while at your home just like you would a bio dd. I wouldn't be waiting for my spouse to deal with it, I'd deal with it.

 

 

As for the rest - I dunno. I'm not a submissive Christian wife so my response would be completely different. Nothing to do with avoiding or choosing to have arguments or strife, and everything to do with a mother's responsibility to her children & the safety of everyone in the home. There would be a lot of talking from me & a total end to DIY mechanics for some time.

 

And criticisms of a son - troubled or otherwise??? I would not take that well at all. I suspect my views of marriage are too different from yours to offer anything useful - what you're describing does not sound healthy or good or actualy even like a marriage to me.

[Catwoman]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Melissa, I have to preface this by saying that we don't do the "submissive wife" thing in our house, so maybe I'm completely out of line with my advice, but here I go anyway... and please don't think I'm being hard on you, because all I'd really like to do is give you a big hug!

 

I have to agree with the others who have said that this is absolutely not healthy. You are not being a good wife by bottling up your feelings about what happened. Arguing is not a crime. Stressing that you and your dds could have been killed is a fact; it's not nagging. Telling your dh's lazy daughters that there are rules in your house and they must abide by them is not illegal!

 

Your dh and his daughters don't appear to be treating you like a loved and respected wife and mother; they're treating you like a maid service! And if your dh isn't mortified by what could have happened because of the bad brake job, that is just plain wrong! My dh would feel incredibly guilty if he ever did anything to put his family in danger, and your dh seems entirely unconcerned.

 

I have a real problem with that.

 

I understand that you don't like to make waves in your household because you had a bad experience in your first marriage, but this is a different marriage, and if you don't demand respect from your dh and his dds, you won't get it. Ever.

 

I think you need to sit down and make a list for yourself of all the things you feel need to change in your household, and figure out how that could be accomplished. Your dh needs to support you and assign chores to his dds -- not auto mechanics, but things like picking up after themselves, doing their own laundry, cleaning their rooms, and treating you as a mom and not as the hired help. Family members should be one team, not "his" and "hers," and should treat each other with love and kindness -- or at the very least, with basic respect and consideration. If your dh starts to get defensive, tell him that you're not accusing him of anything, but that you want to work together to solve these problems. Blaming other family members or trying to divert your attention away from the problems is not going to help anything get better. Focus on being constructive and try not to get sidetracked.

 

I'm hoping that your dh is really a great guy who has fallen into bad habits because you've been silent about the problems, and he doesn't realize how serious they are (and again, I don't blame you for that -- you were just trying to keep the peace in the best way you knew how.) I'm sure it will take time and multiple discussions, but if you don't stand up for yourself, nothing will ever change and things will likely get worse.

 

What good is a peaceful household if you are silently miserable and internally raging? Please try to get up your courage and have a real heart-to-heart talk with your dh. He may not even realize what he has been doing, or the pain that he and his dds have been causing you. (And I agree with the previous poster -- you should both think of all the kids in terms of "our kids," not "my kids" and "your kids.")

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this, as I honestly believe your dh's defensive behavior is inexcusable. He should be SORRY!

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

Edited August 3, 2010 by Catwoman

[mycalling]

 

Anyways, I went to the garage where DH was working tonight and asked him calmly..."so, what exactly happened to my brakes?" and he said "Mary put them on and didn't tighten the bolts" so I said..."I am not trying to start a fight, but why didn't you check them? You know the curves I have to drive going to and from the farm and could have went off the cliff with the girls in the car with me"........WRONG! Then it was all about how when my son helped with a repair job and how he did this and that wrong.

Wow! I would have lost it right there! His comment would have been followed by a seething, "Well, my son didn't about kill our daughters and I, now did he?!? YOUR DAUGHTER DID!":cursing: Then likely followed by a comment questioning why he doesn't care about that and it causing serious doubt in my mind about him.

[Catwoman]

I hope you're feeling better tonight, Melissa! :grouphug:

 

Cat