Parenting a grown child dilemma....what would you do?

[simka2]

Some more background:

 

We didn't invite them. We didn't plan for them. We are not on vacation. They call the day before they come, we always say,"sure, come on." Here's where I have a problem :) Don't say "sure, come on." Be honest and tell them "look honey, I love you bunches...but I can't have you and sil loafing around the house. We would be glad to have you guys over when there's a bit more of a routine. Love you, take care!

 

They get here and they stop parenting, period. They do nothing but read and spend time on the computer, period. They do not pitch in, they do not help out. When grandson asks for something he is always put off. He often throws fits because of this.

 

He does need supervision. He is extremely active. He will act out when he is tired or hungry. He gets put in time out for this, but the original problem is still not addressed. He likes routine and structure. Our family is structure oriented, but not rigid by any means. DD and SIL have *no* routine at all. They do what ever they feel like, whenever they want. If they are not hungry, they don't think about feeding him till he has a melt down.

 

I never say anything about any of this. I just do my best to be positive and cheerful. Sometimes it just gets to me though. Why should a child have to beg his parent to play outside with him, or even to get him ready for bed? Why should I have to ask my daughter to give her own son some of her attention?

 

They will be here on and off all summer. They have not told us this, but they have told other people who told us . I am cooking and taking care of house for 9 people. I do not agree with letting them be on vacation from parenting while they are here. I am not unreasonable. Of course I do things for my grandson if I am available and he asks. But I am not always free to do everything, if I send him to his mother, and she does nothing, he throws a fit. I believe in parents doing the parenting and grandparents doing the grandparenting. There is a difference. I would never have taken advantage of my mother or assumed that she would do what I should be doing.

 

In other words, I feel as though I am the only adult here. My teenage boys work and do other things. Dh goes to work everday.

 

Clearly, I will have to find a way to work through these issues. I appreciate many of the comments, especially those that give specific ideas or dialog. Thanks

 

 

Thanks for more background :) I had been following the thread and wasn't quite sure what to make of it...we all filter thru our own experiences.

[Daisy]

Some more background:

 

We didn't invite them. We didn't plan for them. We are not on vacation. They call the day before they come, we always say,"sure, come on." They get here and they stop parenting, period. They do nothing but read and spend time on the computer, period. They do not pitch in, they do not help out. When grandson asks for something he is always put off. He often throws fits because of this.

 

He does need supervision. He is extremely active. He will act out when he is tired or hungry. He gets put in time out for this, but the original problem is still not addressed. He likes routine and structure. Our family is structure oriented, but not rigid by any means. DD and SIL have *no* routine at all. They do what ever they feel like, whenever they want. If they are not hungry, they don't think about feeding him till he has a melt down.

 

I never say anything about any of this. I just do my best to be positive and cheerful. Sometimes it just gets to me though. Why should a child have to beg his parent to play outside with him, or even to get him ready for bed? Why should I have to ask my daughter to give her own son some of her attention?

 

They will be here on and off all summer. They have not told us this, but they have told other people who told us . I am cooking and taking care of house for 9 people. I do not agree with letting them be on vacation from parenting while they are here. I am not unreasonable. Of course I do things for my grandson if I am available and he asks. But I am not always free to do everything, if I send him to his mother, and she does nothing, he throws a fit. I believe in parents doing the parenting and grandparents doing the grandparenting. There is a difference. I would never have taken advantage of my mother or assumed that she would do what I should be doing.

 

In other words, I feel as though I am the only adult here. My teenage boys work and do other things. Dh goes to work everday.

 

Clearly, I will have to find a way to work through these issues. I appreciate many of the comments, especially those that give specific ideas or dialog. Thanks

 

Well, I completely agree with you. Sounds like your daughter still needs to grow up. I would never dream of letting my mother do all the work when I come to visit. If anything, I should be helping take her load off of her. Having family visit is a lot of work. I watch my own children. We cook meals together. My daughter and I will clean up the kitchen. I keep our own guest room and bathroom clean. I expect my children to clean up any and all messes they make in the common living areas. Heck, I'll even iron my Dad's dress shirts for my mom. I feel so blessed that I can visit my mom and show her some special treatment.

[Danestress]

I would focus on the nature of the visit.

 

"We love having you, of course, and you are always welcome here. But I am actually working - homeschooling, lesson planning, etc. So when you see being here as a vacation for you, it creates work for me. Which is fine some of the time, but I think we need to schedule that in advance and make sure it's actually going to work for our family. Unless we agree otherwise, when you come, it can't be a total vacation for you - you need to plan on doing some of the cooking, some of the childcare, etc. For example, you could agree to take both of the kids to the park for a couple of hours. And I need a week notice before you come to spend a night.

 

I think parenting on vacation is hard. Everyone wants to be on vacation, and it takes a while to realize that a lot of your normal obligations are still there on vacation. When children are young, vacation is actually more work than staying home - unless Grandma is on vacation and is willing to be the work horse. You might have to just work out what your position is on this without being really specific about the child part. Be specific about the fact that you are not on vacation yourself and can't provide vacation for her as a routine thing.

[TeenagerMom]

I would focus on the nature of the visit.

 

"We love having you, of course, and you are always welcome here. But I am actually working - homeschooling, lesson planning, etc. So when you see being here as a vacation for you, it creates work for me. Which is fine some of the time, but I think we need to schedule that in advance and make sure it's actually going to work for our family. Unless we agree otherwise, when you come, it can't be a total vacation for you - you need to plan on doing some of the cooking, some of the childcare, etc. For example, you could agree to take both of the kids to the park for a couple of hours. And I need a week notice before you come to spend a night.

 

I think parenting on vacation is hard. Everyone wants to be on vacation, and it takes a while to realize that a lot of your normal obligations are still there on vacation. When children are young, vacation is actually more work than staying home - unless Grandma is on vacation and is willing to be the work horse. You might have to just work out what your position is on this without being really specific about the child part. Be specific about the fact that you are not on vacation yourself and can't provide vacation for her as a routine thing.

 

 

I was about to suggest something like this:D. Instead of "You need to be doing so and so for your child", try "If you are going to be staying here as a living situation while you are temporarily displaced, I need you to help me keep up with some of the responsibilities around here. I can't keep up w/all the housework, cooking, and child care by myself when there are 9 people involved. If you could take over doing some laundry, cooking dinners or lunches a couple of nights a week, and help keep an eye on all the kids, that would REALLY take some stress off of me."

[jazzyfizzle]

I don't see how visiting family = break from parenting. How is that fair to the grandparents/extended family? You're already in their home, being provided with meals, etc, and then assume that *you* (general you) should also be provided with a break from parenting too?

 

Its one thing when its offered. Its a whole 'nother to assume that folks are there to serve you.

 

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Guest]

Oh gosh, I wasn't going to post until I read this. Really? An adult child enters the house with her child and she is suddenly entitled to a vacation while every other adult in the house is now responsible for her son? The OP has 5 children of her own, so I don't agree that she should now be responsible for one more just because her daughter has decided to visit. Now, if this were a once a year trip, I think that would be one thing. However, it sounds like this daughter is splitting her time between OPs house and OPs SIL for the summer.

 

When I visited my parents with young children, I always cared for them myself unless it was clear that a grandparent wanted to do something for them or unless I asked. I didn't just drop all responsibility at the door. Even now, with an 8 and 10 year old, if I want to run out to the store real quick with my mom, I always ask my dad if he would mind watching them. It's just common courtesy.

 

My sister on the other hand has just dumped her kids on me or my parents for years. I can remember finding her 1 year old baby climbing around in my car because she had left to chill out and didn't tell anyone (per usual). There were many adults in the room, but everyone assumed someone else was "in charge" of him.

 

And, no, a 4 year old doesn't need constant monitoring but they often do have lots of needs and wants that have to be attended to and can't always be trusted to make great decisions, especially in a house that is not their own where the rules may be different.

 

To me, it sounds like the OP wants to be grandma and does things to help, but that her daughter is not fulfilling her responsibilities. I would also wonder if this is something that just goes on when visting or if this is how she always cares for the child. Again, thinking of my sister, I know her behavior wasn't much different in her own home.

 

And to the OP, I know my own mother has been in the same situation many times. She does say something sometimes and my sister will step up, but it does make her angry. I know it only changes things temporarily because the same issues crop up again and agaiin. It certainly doesn't affect her parenting in her own home. So, I think I would only say something about the issues that are either really annoying to you or which you feel are a safety issue. Otherwise, I think you are probably going to have a lot of conflict with your daughter.

 

Lisa

 

I was under the impression that it was more of a one-time visit. I did say that if they are living there, it makes it different, and I did ask if I was mistaken about the amount of time they were there. Then Virginia Dawn posted that they were not invited, and this will be going on all summer long. That is a different story.

 

We live in a different state and do not see 3/4 of the children's grandparents very often, so when we do, they want to take care of the kids, and they tell me to relax since dh and I are out here without other relatives. My mom does live out here, but she works fulltime, does not baby-sit much (dh and I don't get breaks), and she is moving out of state in three weeks, anyway. So when we do see the other grandparents, they are ready and willing to give us a break. They enjoy it. However, this only happens once a year (although it has been two years since the last visit), and we do not invite ourselves, and it is not more than a week to 10 days.

 

When we are there, if I leave the room to use the phone or go to the restroom, everyone in the room automatically takes over, although I do announce that I am going to ______. I don't have to ask them to keep an eye on the kids... that is a given. I am also extremely careful/protective of my children, and everyone else knows they need to be that way with my dc as well.

 

If the kids want something, they get it since it is their house and that is what they like. When someone is at my house, I get everything they need. I guess we just do things a little differently.

Edited July 12, 2010 by Jinnah

[Meriwether]

When I go to visit my parents, I am still the parent, but everyone helps out. The kids go outside with grandpa. Mom cooks (I will do some meals, but it isn't expected) and all the girls clean up unless I am nursing. Any adult present does what needs doing. When my sister and I are both there, we have 9 kids 7 and under. If I am in the kitchen and one of her kids is hungry or wants a drink, I would never say "Go ask your mom." When it is bath and bed time, my sister and I put the kids to bed. Sometimes I am up there alone and sometimes she is. It isn't that much harder to add her five kids to the mix. One kid wouldn't be that noticable. We throw all the laundry in together. Whoever is available runs a load, hangs it up, folds it.

 

That being said, I feel like I am on vacation at my parent's house. They live almost 7 hours away. We visit 6-8 times a year for 3-5 days at a time. I spend a day packing and traveling to their house and a day traveling back and unpacking. Several times a year, I make the trip with just the kids and I. If they want us to visit, which they do, they make it fun for us to be there. Mom is an early riser. If the baby wakes up, she will often watch her while I get another hour of sleep. I am not in charge of anything, I just help out. If I am dealing with more than one kid at a time, I feel very comfortable asking Mom to read to so-and-so or take the baby while I wipe a bottom. It is a relief to not be the only caregiver (my husband is a great guy, but not much of a caregiver) a few times a year. We LOVE going to my parents' home.

 

My ILs feel the need to give us parenting advice. We rarely go there.

 

 

I think your situation is different. Your daughter is not visiting you, she is living with you off and on. My sister lived with my parents for 6-8 weeks when they would come back from Spain each year. She bought groceries, helped with meals and laundry, and helped clean house. She always bought them a big item as a thank you - trundle bed, washer and dryer, etc. I think it would be very reasonable to have expectations of your daughter. But my parents always helped with the kids. She was free to leave the room. Really, if you are feeding your own kids, why would your grandson be hungry? Wouldn't he eat with you? I think you could include your grandson in your routine but expect your dd to help with general cooking, cleaning, etc. while she is living there. She should also be helping her siblings if they need something.

[Supertechmom]

I don't see how visiting family = break from parenting. How is that fair to the grandparents/extended family? You're already in their home, being provided with meals, etc, and then assume that *you* (general you) should also be provided with a break from parenting too?

 

Its one thing when its offered. Its a whole 'nother to assume that folks are there to serve you.

 

 

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

 

I was about to suggest something like this:D. Instead of "You need to be doing so and so for your child", try "If you are going to be staying here as a living situation while you are temporarily displaced, I need you to help me keep up with some of the responsibilities around here. I can't keep up w/all the housework, cooking, and child care by myself when there are 9 people involved. If you could take over doing some laundry, cooking dinners or lunches a couple of nights a week, and help keep an eye on all the kids, that would REALLY take some stress off of me."

 

And I would add that they need to at least contribute to the water and grocery bill. We were in a similar situation where hubby was working in a new town and the house sold 9several states away) before we found the new place. I was shuffled between hotels and parents for awhile. We picked up the water bill for the parent hubby was rooming with and bought groceries for the one I stayed with.

[secular_mom]

Some more background:

 

 

Wow, I'd have to say, "I just heard from so and so that you two are planning to stay with us repeatedly this summer, I would have appreciated hearing that from you so that we could plan accordingly. Since we do have that information now, I'm going to have to be clear about some things to prevent frustration and exhaustion on my part"

Then I'd lay down the rules for them being there.

I would NOT do their laundry.

I would say : I am planning on preparing x for lunch, and x for dinner- what are your plans for those meals? Should I prepare enough for you three also? If they say they want something different or at a different time then I'd let them know that they are financially and otherwise responsible for obtaining their food on their time.

I'd tell them that they must supervise their child if they want to stay there, as you are busying taking care of your own children and doing other work and you can't have the cops showing up because your grandson wandered down the street (or worse).

I tell her that she needs to ask for your to babysit, ahead of time and for a certain amount of time. If they are eating there, I'd ask them to help clear the table and do the dishes without feeling a bit of guilt.

 

Basically, I'd tell her that they aren't 'off work' while they stay with you, that they still have a job to do as parents and that I'd expect them to meet grandson's needs WRT food, sleep and attention so that he isn't disrupting your day with tantrums.

[Alicia64]

Obviously I don't know your daughter or how old she is (she sounds young), but my initial gut instinct would be to take her to lunch or a spa or something fun without the kids and have a heart to heart.

 

Nothing condescending. I'd probably start with, "when I was a young mom I absolutely hated it when so and so told me blah, blah, blah." And then get into it and really recall what it felt like to be told stuff as a young person.

 

So then I would say, "it's killing me to say this to you -- and above and beyond anything I want a great relationship w/ you (for the sake of the grandchild) -- and we need to talk. And I want you to let me know what I can do to help.

 

Then I'd slowly bring up maybe 2 items (big picture things) that need work. Ask her if there's anything you can do to help -- like help the family pay for a sitter one night a week or something like it.

 

Sorry if I'm no help.

 

My heart truly goes out to you.

 

Alley

[Barry Goldwater]

You have hit a deeper issue here. My daughter had my grandson before she was married. I took care of him while she worked. Her husband is not the boy's father, but he does as well as he can.

 

Wow...that changes my perspective on this...if you substantively helped with parenting your GC, that may better explain (not justify) this behavior...you are still seen by your daughter as somewhat in charge of the child IMHO, because of the history. She hasn't taken command back...

 

I liked the suggestion of putting boundaries on the 'drop-ins,' for your sanity. Good luck.

[Lovedtodeath]

3/4 of the couples I know that had their kids very young are very neglectful parents. Not only do their children lack in attention, they get much less sleep than they should and are not fed very often. They then get spanked when they throw fits even if they have had only 7 hours of sleep and no food for 6-8 hours.

 

Now, 1/4 of the parents I know that had kids very young are super... much better than me in fact, because they have more energy.

[nono]

I'm still stuck on the laptop part, which wasn't described as being constant when I replied.

 

Pardon my bluntness, but someone coming to visit and hauling out a laptop for any extended period of time is being VERY rude. And I am about as addicted to technology as they come, since it was my profession for many years before I came home.

 

I am wondering how you've contained yourself to this point! "Yes you can come over. NO, your laptops may not." House rules. :)

[Miss Sherry]

My honest opinion? This is silly. IMO, she should get to feel like she is on vacation when at your house. She should be able to leave the room for 15 minutes for a breather. It's silly to make her ask someone to watch her child when there are other people in the room when she leaves it. It's your grandchild... watch him! No biggie! If she left him in a room with other people, and he got outside, well it's the fault of the people that were in the room, IMO! I hope this doesn't sound harsh, I'm just giving my honest opinion.

 

I agree with the other poster who said if you were going up, anyway, you should have put your grandchild to bed, too. If you have young children, and need a break, she can return the favor a different time.

 

Why should she get to feel she is on vacation ? This isn't just a short visit, but they have been over a lot because they will not have a permanent home of their own until August.

[Catherine]

My mom was critical at times of my childrearing. It really created a painful rift and did NOT motivate me to "be a better mother". We are all bumbling along this road of life, trying to figure it out as we go along. In my experience, well-intentioned people rarely respond well to critical input from loved ones, unless there is a serious problem (in their hearts, they will know it is a serious problem).

 

When my mom criticized my kids' bedtimes, how often I washed their hands, how I dressed them and talked to them, I felt angry and it created distance between us. It never once occurred to me to change their bedtimes or dress them differently.

 

Give her love, not criticism. Only love changes people.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

My honest opinion? This is silly. IMO, she should get to feel like she is on vacation when at your house. She should be able to leave the room for 15 minutes for a breather. It's silly to make her ask someone to watch her child when there are other people in the room when she leaves it. It's your grandchild... watch him! No biggie! If she left him in a room with other people, and he got outside, well it's the fault of the people that were in the room, IMO! I hope this doesn't sound harsh, I'm just giving my honest opinion.

 

I agree with the other poster who said if you were going up, anyway, you should have put your grandchild to bed, too. If you have young children, and need a break, she can return the favor a different time.

 

Yes, but I think the poster has young children as well. Guests should not abuse their welcome. Maybe the OP needs a break too;)

 

My 2 cents:)

[Lovedtodeath]

She may well be ignorant of how much attention a 4 year old needs, how often they should eat, or how many hours of sleep they need. This information may be helpful to her. Getting it to her without being insulting is the dilemma.

[Garga]

I only read 3/4 of the replies, and have to leave, but wanted to chime in.

 

I agree with the others who say not to let them visit until ground rules are made.

 

"Hey mom, mind if we stop by?"

 

"Oh, sweetie pie, I love having you guys for a visit, but right now I'm in the middle of (whatever.) If you want to come and help me with (whatever) that'd be great, but if not, then I'll have to pass on a visit."

[Guest]

Why should she get to feel she is on vacation ? This isn't just a short visit, but they have been over a lot because they will not have a permanent home of their own until August.

 

I'm confused... did you not see my second post? Did you not read in the first post where I asked about how long they were staying and if I was mistaken? I did say if they were living there (in the first post) that would change things. Try reading all of what someone says.

 

Yes, but I think the poster has young children as well. Guests should not abuse their welcome. Maybe the OP needs a break too;)

 

My 2 cents:)

 

 

All I'm saying is that granparents should help out, and sometimes allow the parent to have a vacation. If she has young children, that would be a little more difficult, but adding in her grandson isn't much more work. Then her daughter could return the favor and take care of all the kids and let her mother have a vacation. Again, originally, I was under the impression that this was one short trip.

 

I do still think her dd should be able to leave the room for 15 minutes, and know her child will be looked after by his grandparents... not allowed to get outside by himself! Also, if the grandmother is putting kids to bed, I still think she can put her grandson to bed without a fuss. I also said her dd can return the favor!

Edited July 13, 2010 by Jinnah

[Merry]

I would suggest that you continue with the way you have been with your own household even if your dd and grandson are there. If you can fold your grandson in with your family at meals, bedtime, and other times when your dd is not around, great. If not, those are the things you and your dd need to talk about. Have you talked with her about how she handles those things at her own home? What are their own mealtimes like, how do they settle down for the night, how does she deal with her ds while she is on the laptop, etc? If she wants to continue with her own routine, how can she in your household? Figure out how you can work this out. When you have the talk, approach this as if she were a roommate or another mom who needs a temporary place to stay. Be neutral. (Easier said than done, I know). Maybe you can have a family meeting with your dh and other children there? Make agreements on who should watch the grandson if the mother should leave the room and for how long. Decide on the laundry issue. Mark the times on the calendar on when they would be visiting and try to stick to those times only.

If you are frustrated now and feel like you can't resolve the issues that are bugging you, your resentment will get worse. I know that you already know this but sometimes we need the reassurance and push to rise above our emotions and do the sensible thing to take care of ourselves.