How should I handle this situation?

[KIN]

My oldest ds spent the night at a very dear friend's last night. In total, there were four boys. They went to a baseball game, then home and stayed up until 3:30, unsupervised for most of those hours at home.

 

DS told me today that they were mean to him and hurt him. It went on all night and that it was worse when there weren't adults around. Ds was crying and upset, but wasn't able to tell me any more than that. And I was dragging that much out of him.

 

Ds is a unique child (aren't they all!), but is loud and can be annoying. I chalk it up to being uncomfortable in situations and that is his way of coping. Ds also has obsessive compulsive disorder, but usually doesn't affect things when he is with friends. How would you handle this? I did email the moms of 2 of the boys because they are very close friends.

 

Do I keep trying to get my ds to talk? Or, just let it go and never permit sleepovers anymore? Because of homeschooling I just haven't had to deal with this type of hurts from friends before. My heart is absolutely breaking for him.

[fhjmom]

Dh and I had a rule with oldest DD that she could not sleep over with a friend if there were others also sleeping over (unless it was a planned slumber party for a birthday or something). It seems like when there is a small group, it can more easly escalate into problems, either posturing and hurt feelings against one of the kids or a 'mob' mentality of doing something they shouldn't (like sneaking out). I don't know why it seems things happen more often on a sleep-over vs. a play date, maybe because there is more unsupervised time, but it was a gut instinct from DH that started our house rule and it proved correct more than once. DD hated to tell us about her three friends that got picked up by the police for throwing deck furniture in the apartment pool after sneaking out when we told her she couldn't stay with them that night. There was also countless amounts of drama that started during sleepovers that DD heard after the fact mainly because they all decided to gang up and pick on one. Why kids feel the need to be so mean and stupid, I will never understand!

 

I don't know what I would do now. If you are friends with one of the mom's maybe you could ask her something like "DS came home from the sleepover really upset but he hasn't wanted to talk to me about it very much. Has your DS said anything about what might have happened?" That may be a way of clueing her into to opening a dialog about it with her son. If he is honest with her about what happened, she can deal with it, and even if he doesn't spill the beans, he knows that adults know that something happened and it's not okay.

[Mejane]

That's too bad. It's important to try to get all sides, so I would definitely have some kind of dialogue with the other moms and continue to gently ask my son what happened. He may need some time to open up. I wouldn't do any sleepovers until it was ironed out.

[phathui5]

I would call and talk to the parents of the other boys.

[KIN]

I did talk with both other moms. It was very good to talk. My ds was being annoying - singing over and over loudly, jumping on their shoulders, not stopping when asked to. Their boys took to being hurtful - yelling at my ds, giving him noogies and t--ty twisters. They thew ds out of the camper, out of the pool and squirted Febreeze in his face.

 

Their boys both became tearful when asked about it. They *knew* it was wrong. I will be working with my ds to stop whatever he is doing when asked. I think it is a nervous repsonse to being a situation that he is uncomfortable in. That doesn't excuse his behavior.

 

I'm also not going to permit my dc to go to sleepovers with a group anymore. These things just don't happen when it is one on one. These were very close friends from church that I totally trust. Please be careful about sleepovers. I have learned my lesson, unfortunately my ds had to get hurt.

[Joanne]

]I'm also not going to permit my dc to go to sleepovers with a group anymore. These things just don't happen when it is one on one. These were very close friends from church that I totally trust. Please be careful about sleepovers. I have learned my lesson, unfortunately my ds had to get hurt.

 

I am truly sorry your DS was hurt. It sounds like the other kids, while not "hurt", were out of options in dealing with their own frustrations.

 

Unless your son has special needs (I was thinking aspie when I was reading), I think that the peer consequence, while inappropriate, might help him learn that his peers don't like annoying behavior. My youngest learns this when he hangs with his brother and friends - certain behavior allows him to continue and certain behavior means the olders request he be removed from play.

 

This isn't an issue with sleepovers. It's an issue of under-supervised young boys who ALL needed additional social coaching, guidance and suggestions.

[KIN]

I am truly sorry your DS was hurt. It sounds like the other kids, while not "hurt", were out of options in dealing with their own frustrations.

 

Unless your son has special needs (I was thinking aspie when I was reading), I think that the peer consequence, while inappropriate, might help him learn that his peers don't like annoying behavior. My youngest learns this when he hangs with his brother and friends - certain behavior allows him to continue and certain behavior means the olders request he be removed from play.

 

This isn't an issue with sleepovers. It's an issue of under-supervised young boys who ALL needed additional social coaching, guidance and suggestions.

 

Well, I think the issue that I have with the sleepover is that they were unsupervised for hours and hours and hours. Being allowed to stay up until 3:30, the parents sleeping, the boys becoming tired and their frustrations just overtook everything the boys knew to be right or wrong. So, no more sleepovers being unsupervised as this was.

 

I do hope that this helps my son, but I'm not sure he is able to stop it just like that. I'm just not sure. He does have OCD. I did talk to him about it and I really, really pray that it helps him stop his actions when asked. We will be working on it more at home. He just doesn't do this unless he is stressed. So, I'm not really sure how to help him beyond talking about it. Maybe roll playing.

[AHASRADA]

My kids do not do sleepovers. The only exception is with very close family (grandparents, cousins) and possibly very close family friends, if I have total trust and confidence in the parents that they will provide the same supervision as I. Still, in the friend situation, one of us usually sleeps over as well ("boys night out" or "girls night out", respectively).

 

We try to let our kids have sleepovers here at home as much as possible (usually one on one), where dh and I provide the supervision we deem appropriate.

 

Why? Dh grew up without the concept of sleepovers with friends, and doesn't think it is necessary or wise. I also read an article from within my faith community, interviewing the parents of pious, successful young people about their "magic formula" for raising children of faith. Among the similarities, was that none of the parents allowed sleepovers away from home, but ensured their own home was a fun and welcoming place for friends.

 

I would be having a discussion with the hosting parents about why the group of boys was unsupervised for such a long period, and so late into the night.

[HeidiKC]

If you are friends with one of the mom's maybe you could ask her something like "DS came home from the sleepover really upset but he hasn't wanted to talk to me about it very much. Has your DS said anything about what might have happened?" That may be a way of clueing her into to opening a dialog about it with her son. If he is honest with her about what happened, she can deal with it, and even if he doesn't spill the beans, he knows that adults know that something happened and it's not okay.

 

:iagree:

[Scarlett]

This isn't an issue with sleepovers. It's an issue of under-supervised young boys who ALL needed additional social coaching, guidance and suggestions.

 

Brilliant as usual Joanne.

 

(((Kin))) I have a son like this...I try to get him to understand that while HE is super sensitive to how others treat him, he doesn't seem to see that OTHERS can be hurt/annoyed by him. And my son also gets a little crazy acting when he is out of his normal element.

 

That is why I LOVE what Joanne said about the boys being under-supervised. I've learned that having a friend over for 2 hours is great....but after 4 hours someone is annoyed and hurt and/or crying. I reeeealy try to limit the length of time ds spends with friends.

[mooooom]

but it sounds like a pretty normal response from kids that age, pumped up, way past their bedtime to a kid yelling and jumping on them. I think it's hard for parents to make kids go to sleep at a sleepover - maybe the parents thought they were asleep when they went to bed? Just a bad situation for any 9 yo. FWIW, my dd had a sleepover with a friend who got out of control. Her response, to telephone us at 1AM to come pick her up (thank heavens for my dh who can open his eyes at that hour). She was 13, and that was the only way she could think of to deal with the situation.

[KIN]

but it sounds like a pretty normal response from kids that age, pumped up, way past their bedtime to a kid yelling and jumping on them. I think it's hard for parents to make kids go to sleep at a sleepover - maybe the parents thought they were asleep when they went to bed?

 

It might be "normal" but that doesn't make it right. My ds was hurt and he was being annoying, I get that. The parents knew they weren't sleeping and had given them a bedtime of 3:30am. The parents went to bed around 11:00. It was a bad situation. One I do not intend to repeat. And, we will be working with ds and his behavior. I am not excusing that at all. None of them had a way out or knew what to do. Not good.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It might be "normal" but that doesn't make it right. My ds was hurt and he was being annoying, I get that. The parents knew they weren't sleeping and had given them a bedtime of 3:30am. The parents went to bed around 11:00. It was a bad situation. One I do not intend to repeat. And, we will be working with ds and his behavior. I am not excusing that at all. None of them had a way out or knew what to do. Not good.

 

I would be upset with the host parents (whether my child was yours or one of the others) because they did not supervise the boys. I would not be upset with the other boys or your boy (all of whom share responsibility in the problem). I wouldn't be upset with the other boy's parents either because I would assume that they thought that their kids were being supervised too.

[KIN]

I would be upset with the host parents (whether my child was yours or one of the others) because they did not supervise the boys. I would not be upset with the other boys or your boy (all of whom share responsibility in the problem). I wouldn't be upset with the other boy's parents either because I would assume that they thought that their kids were being supervised too.

 

Jean - The parents honestly did what they thought was best too. I'm not going to be upset there either, although I agree, that is who could have made the biggest difference in this situation. I just didn't realize that boys would be that way.

 

Here is a kicker: My ds and 2 out of the 3 other boys are supposed to go to camp for a week, starting Sunday, and room together. I could just puke. I don't think there is any way to put ds and the other boys in the same position again. I don't know if they will have a counselor in their room or not (it is on a college campus in quad rooms) or if they will have another child there. I'm thinking we will just skip camp this year or not? I just don't know what to do.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Jean - The parents honestly did what they thought was best too. I'm not going to be upset there either, although I agree, that is who could have made the biggest difference in this situation. I just didn't realize that boys would be that way.

 

Here is a kicker: My ds and 2 out of the 3 other boys are supposed to go to camp for a week, starting Sunday, and room together. I could just puke. I don't think there is any way to put ds and the other boys in the same position again. I don't know if they will have a counselor in their room or not (it is on a college campus in quad rooms) or if they will have another child there. I'm thinking we will just skip camp this year or not? I just don't know what to do.

 

KIN, your son does not sound like he has the capacity right now for a camp that does not have a counselor in the room. And the other boys showed that they did not have capacity for the situation either. And what just happened has produced a social situation that would make most adults unsure how to handle it. I would either see if you or your dh could go to camp and supervise him yourself or I would skip camp this year.

[Jennifer in MI]

Oh Kathy. My heart breaks. My oldest was like this - loud, bossy, and annoying. We had to severely limit time with friends. He has Aspergers. I can't tell you how many times he'd come in from playing with the boys in the neighborhood sobbing because they were mean to him. I was usually very nearby, but it still happened and it broke my heart. I KNEW the kids were at their wits ends with him. I knew it. And, because of that, I stayed very near him. But, it still happened.

 

What has made a HUGE difference for us was Social Stories by Carol Grey. http://www.thegraycenter.org/social-stories/carol-gray I know your son doesn't have autism, but I think most kids could benefit from this type of training/help. Basically, you do a LOT of role playing. You write your own stories for the child and act them out. I spent a LOT of time talking with my d.s. about expected behavior. "When we walk in to the church and Mr. X smiles at you, what are you to do?" DS: GROWL!!! ME: "Let's think of some other things we can do!" We'd brainstorm and practice, practice, practice. This took a LONG time to work (but it sounds like my ds's problems were a bit more severe - he'd growl at people, hide under chairs, scream, plug his ears, etc). You can make up books for your d.s. to read about expected behavior.

 

He's now 14. He's fine in social settings. A bit awkward, but I think most 14 yos are.

 

As for the camp. I agree with Jean. These boys have proven they aren't ready to be alone in that type of setting. Maybe next year. :grouphug::grouphug:

[KIN]

Oh Kathy. My heart breaks. My oldest was like this - loud, bossy, and annoying. We had to severely limit time with friends. He has Aspergers. I can't tell you how many times he'd come in from playing with the boys in the neighborhood sobbing because they were mean to him. I was usually very nearby, but it still happened and it broke my heart. I KNEW the kids were at their wits ends with him. I knew it. And, because of that, I stayed very near him. But, it still happened.

 

What has made a HUGE difference for us was Social Stories by Carol Grey. http://www.thegraycenter.org/social-stories/carol-gray I know your son doesn't have autism, but I think most kids could benefit from this type of training/help. Basically, you do a LOT of role playing. You write your own stories for the child and act them out. I spent a LOT of time talking with my d.s. about expected behavior. "When we walk in to the church and Mr. X smiles at you, what are you to do?" DS: GROWL!!! ME: "Let's think of some other things we can do!" We'd brainstorm and practice, practice, practice. This took a LONG time to work (but it sounds like my ds's problems were a bit more severe - he'd growl at people, hide under chairs, scream, plug his ears, etc). You can make up books for your d.s. to read about expected behavior.

 

He's now 14. He's fine in social settings. A bit awkward, but I think most 14 yos are.

 

As for the camp. I agree with Jean. These boys have proven they aren't ready to be alone in that type of setting. Maybe next year. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

Thanks, Jennifer. I'll look into that resource.

[Starr]

I am truly sorry your DS was hurt. It sounds like the other kids, while not "hurt", were out of options in dealing with their own frustrations.

 

Unless your son has special needs (I was thinking aspie when I was reading), I think that the peer consequence, while inappropriate, might help him learn that his peers don't like annoying behavior. My youngest learns this when he hangs with his brother and friends - certain behavior allows him to continue and certain behavior means the olders request he be removed from play.

 

This isn't an issue with sleepovers. It's an issue of under-supervised young boys who ALL needed additional social coaching, guidance and suggestions.

 

Thanks Joanne. It is the under-supervision that is the problem most of the time.

[TravelingChris]

I have two kids who can do sleepovers (or could do them) and one kid who really couldn't do it very well unless it was a very small group. Why- because she is annoying at night. It bothers all the rest of her family but we are used to her. No one else is. I don't think what the kids did was right but What should have happened is that the kid who lived there got his parent and either your kid was separated from the others or you were called to come get your kid. Is there anything you can do? Maybe or maybe not. As a mom of a loud child, and not even one who jumps on people, I can say that it is not something I wish to inflict on others particularly other kids who are nine or ten and don't have the maturity to deal with an annoying person in a reasonable way.

[Scarlett]

KIN, your son does not sound like he has the capacity right now for a camp that does not have a counselor in the room. And the other boys showed that they did not have capacity for the situation either. And what just happened has produced a social situation that would make most adults unsure how to handle it. I would either see if you or your dh could go to camp and supervise him yourself or I would skip camp this year.

 

I agree with Jean....no adult in the room, no camp. Will your ds be heartbroken over this? I hope not, but he (and the others) just aren't ready for that much unsupervised time together.

 

I really do feel for him....my own son lets situations like that eat at him for years sometimes. He can burst into tears over a conversation that happened years ago. Just today on the way to swim he was sadly remembering a time when he was 6 !!!!!! He is 10 now...when at the pool he tried to go down the water side with waterwings on and was corrected---not harshly either....I witnessed it...he was just told he couldn't do that....well today he was 'sad' remembering that. :( I get frustrated with him at times, but feel sad that he hangs on to things like that for so long....I tried to tell him today...hopefully with some success....that he wasn't in trouble that day....he was just told sometime he didn't know...no big deal.

 

It is hard though...I sure feel for your boy.