Parenting a diva

[lisamarie]

I am curious if anyone has experience successfully parenting a little diva and turning her into a regular little girl. My 5 year old DD is pretty much always the center of any fight in our house. All the toys are hers, God forbid you touch one of HER toys, and if you touch a toy that is yours but one that she wants, she will cry, rip it out of your hand, or become devious and offer you a different toy to get the one she wants. She always tries to be in charge and get people to do what she wants. She's constantly ordering my 2 yr old around and tries to order my 6 yr old around, but he just ignores her. She hates being told what to do and will ignore you 3 out of 5 times. She tries to back talk which we always discipline the first time. She tries to tell ME what WE are going to do, she tries to make up "new rules" and dictate things. Yesterday was her birthday and she decided that since it was her special day, that she could do whatever she wanted and had a fit if we didn't go along with it. She was displeased with some of her presents and with the ones she liked, she said "this is just what I ordered."

 

I saw hints of this coming out of her over the last year, but I'd say in the last 2 months it's gotten to be where DH and I are just scratching our heads wondering how our DD turned into such a little brat without us realizing what was going on.

 

I know that a lot of it is just her personality turned sour (she is extremely outgoing and confident and thinks the world revolves around her--as early as 2, she would walk into a room and say "Hi everyone! It's me, Natalie!"). She is really sweet when she wants to be and is the first to share her stuff when it's HER choice. She's like a little jekyll and hyde--some people think she's the sweetest girl ever because she is, but then her other side shows up and is creating huge problems in our house.

 

So I am looking for advice on how to parent through this.

[dansamy]

:bigear: Me too. Except I think it's too late for my diva. She's 9. I think at this point she's a diva going on a teenage drama queen.

[FriedClams]

Just one thing that helped here when my kids were younger - they each have ONE "special" toy. That ONE toy is the only one that is not fair game to share, play with, etc. For my DS it's his special horse, for DD it's her My Twinn doll. There is no switching of the special toy. EVERY other toy is to be shared. And, in our house, guests always get first pick and what they want to play with. I have NEVER done the "who had it first". Our rule is that you share what you have and we let the other go first (we base it on scripture - being a servant, considering others as more important than ourselves and the first being last). This even occurs with siblings - when you are asked you finish a reasonable turn and hand it over. We worked hard from a very young age that we can serve others through sharing and making our guests feel welcome. For my kids, when they were being selfish we trained a bit and then they went to sit quietly by themselves. If it could not be contained, that child's play date was over (or play time). I think with an older child you may have to be more firm - for every toy you fight over I take that one away from the instigator and pick 2 more to keep. Helpful, selfless behavior earns toys back. You will need to be around them when they play, but it will be worth it.

[Bird Girl]

We have a diva (the older one,) but we keep her in check with discipline--and actually, I think the homeschooling helps. The key, with my DD, is to always tell her how her actions make the other person feel ("When you grab your toy, your brother feels very sad!") and staying on top of her relentlessly. I do think that self-confident personality will someday allow her to go far, but until then, she requires constant reining-in. Some kids are just trickier than others.

[Scarlett]

I am curious if anyone has experience successfully parenting a little diva and turning her into a regular little girl. My 5 year old DD is pretty much always the center of any fight in our house. All the toys are hers, God forbid you touch one of HER toys, and if you touch a toy that is yours but one that she wants, she will cry, rip it out of your hand, or become devious and offer you a different toy to get the one she wants. She always tries to be in charge and get people to do what she wants. She's constantly ordering my 2 yr old around and tries to order my 6 yr old around, but he just ignores her. She hates being told what to do and will ignore you 3 out of 5 times. She tries to back talk which we always discipline the first time. She tries to tell ME what WE are going to do, she tries to make up "new rules" and dictate things. Yesterday was her birthday and she decided that since it was her special day, that she could do whatever she wanted and had a fit if we didn't go along with it. She was displeased with some of her presents and with the ones she liked, she said "this is just what I ordered."

 

I saw hints of this coming out of her over the last year, but I'd say in the last 2 months it's gotten to be where DH and I are just scratching our heads wondering how our DD turned into such a little brat without us realizing what was going on.

 

I know that a lot of it is just her personality turned sour (she is extremely outgoing and confident and thinks the world revolves around her--as early as 2, she would walk into a room and say "Hi everyone! It's me, Natalie!"). She is really sweet when she wants to be and is the first to share her stuff when it's HER choice. She's like a little jekyll and hyde--some people think she's the sweetest girl ever because she is, but then her other side shows up and is creating huge problems in our house.

 

So I am looking for advice on how to parent through this.

 

Just keep up the good fight. :)

 

Consistant parenting. I remember my mother saying very specific things to me...

 

1) Contrary to your belief the world does NOT revolve around you.

 

2) Pretty is as pretty does

 

3) Excuse me? Who do you think you are anyway?

 

LOL... I am making myself laugh remembering her no non nonsense approach to dealing with me.

 

When I was older she sat me down and frankly discussed being the kind of person that others want to be around. It really made an impact on me.

 

For a 5 year old...just keep modeling proper behavior and correcting (with conseqence) the bad. Reward good behavior.

[justasque]

Start by imagining her all grown up and in a leadership position - managing a large family, or a corporation, or a missionary organization, or whatever you feel would be most appropriate. She has the basic personality for it, right? Having a somewhat forceful personality can be helpful if she is working for social or political change, etc.

 

Now think about what things she will need to learn in order to do that well. She's going to need to learn to tone down the demands, be polite and socially appropriate, see things from others' point of view, acknowledge and work with others' feelings, and so on and so on.

 

The idea is to recognize her strengths and support them, instead of trying to change her into someone else.

 

I'm not sure if I'm making sense; the idea is to see the up side of her personality and respect it but to make it clear that she needs to improve in certain areas.

 

Also - use humor! "Yes, it is your birthday, and we always try to make someone's birthday special, but people don't get to do *everything* they want to do on their birthdays! Why, what if it was your daddy's birthday and he wanted us to dye our hair blue! And then eat nothing but brussell sprouts all day, even for breakfast! That would be silly!"

[Rosie_0801]

Start by imagining her all grown up and in a leadership position - managing a large family, or a corporation, or a missionary organization, or whatever you feel would be most appropriate. She has the basic personality for it, right? Having a somewhat forceful personality can be helpful if she is working for social or political change, etc.

 

:iagree: Most divas I've come into contact with will happily agree they like to be the boss, and are rather shocked if they are told they are not very good at it. What? How can there be more to it than telling people what to do? :svengo: But they want to know what else there is to it. You bet they do! I've never had one (and as a brownie leader, I met a few ;) ) who wasn't interested in learning all the secrets I had to share about being a good boss. They don't just want to be the boss, they want to be the best at being the boss :)

 

Rosie

[lisamarie]

Great suggestions. I know that she's going to be capable of doing great things down the road which is why I want to train her now to share, be nice, not try to rule the house, etc. If she doesn't learn how to be under leadership now and how to be a good friend, her effectiveness down the road will be pretty minimal.

 

I think one step I need to take is to assign chores that need to be done every day. She will do chores when I ask her, but it's rarely without complaint, whining that she's too tired, that it's too big of a job, etc. Giving her consistent daily chores will hopefully fix that.

[Starr]

I think most of the time a leader becomes a good leader but there are others... A child that learns to manipulate and control their family becomes the girl that manipulates and bullies their youth group while conning along the way. Directing their energy and doing things for others is really important.

[lisamarie]

Directing their energy and doing things for others is really important.

 

What would you suggest for this? The only thing that readily comes to mind is helping one of her grandmas with work around the house or yard. I did have her wash about 6 windows this morning and that seemed to help her bossy attitude that she was trying out on her sister earlier. Maybe working her into exhaustion would work.:lol:;):D:tongue_smilie:

[justasque]

What would you suggest for this?

 

I would suggest trying to find things that come from her, as much as possible, and are within her ability. Things like making a birthday card for a freind or relative, baking a snack to bring to church or a community event she's looking forward to, helping to clean something that's important to her, etc. When/if she notices situations where help is needed (in her eyes anyway), try to build on those as much as possible, instead of just focusing on things that *you* see as needing to be done. She might feel it's more important to give chocolate chip cookies to a sick grandma than have clean windows, or to "clean" the dog's bed than to clean her room. The important part is to get her thinking about how she, specifically, can use her talents to benefit others.

Use her fledgling helpful-ness instincts, even if they're somewhat misdirected, and over time help her see other things that need to be done and other ways she can be helpful.

 

Also - talk about feelings - yours, hers, her siblings', and those of others.

What is she feeling when she is being bossy? Talk about it with her. Ask her what she thinks the sibling is feeling. Etc. By understanding how she is feeling, you can open up dialog about the choices she is making and the effects of her actions on others, and teach her better ways to deal with those feelings that don't involve being bossy. At her age, communication skills are key - help her learn that often she can solve her problem with better communication/negotiation skills.

[elfgivas]

two book suggestions:

"nurture by nature" that has great tips for handling different personality types well.

"peaceful parents, peaceful kids" which also addresses a lot of what you mentioned.

 

one of my all time favourite wishes is that i didn't have to be so relentlessly consistent as a parent.....

 

good luck!

ann

[Guest Rossfamily]

My DH and myself took a class called Parenting on Purpose through our church and it was great! It talked about children having a mix of a barbarian personality and/or pleaser personality. I have 2 barbarians (which sounds very similar to your diva discription) and 1 pleaser. We have a written spreadsheet that states what the consequence will be for a specific action that is not acceptable in our home. It is specific to each child. Our youngest is 3 yrs so her actions are link mainly to appropriate behavior, such as obeying, talking back, putting things away that she has out. The consequences include going to bed 20 minutes early, which means no bedtime reading; time outs; and extra things to clean if she doesn't put things away. Chores are a part of everyday responsibilities in our home everybody does their part. Even at 3 yrs she can make her bed, put her clothes in the hamper and feed the dog.

 

It helped a lot to have the spreadsheet, because it made us be very consistent in the consequences so it wasn't linked to how my days was going or my reaction. A very calm response helps them see that they have choices. If they choose to do an action they know that they are also choosing the consequence.

[Rosie_0801]

Take her favourite obnoxious phrases, translate them into something more acceptable and encourage her to use them.

 

"Get outta my room" sounds much better translated as "I really need some personal space now." The key here, though, is she must be rewarded for using the proper language by being allowed her personal space.

 

Etc :)

 

Rosie

[Scarlett]

Take her favourite obnoxious phrases, translate them into something more acceptable and encourage her to use them.

 

"Get outta my room" sounds much better translated as "I really need some personal space now." The key here, though, is she must be rewarded for using the proper language by being allowed her personal space.

 

Etc :)

 

Rosie

 

Oooooh.....I like it!

[dhudson]

I found that teaching my little girl that she is to put others needs before her own helped. We made an effort to work at homeless shelters, make meals for others, go on mission trips to Juarez, do food drives and work at food banks. We make sure and have them "work" for money - even to donate. It might be by pulling weeds or washing windows or folding laundry but it had to be valuable to us. She also has chores everyday and there are things that she has to do daily to serve her brothers (they have the same rules) whether it is to clean the bathroom, sort their laundry or even make a snack for them before she makes one for herself. As she is the only girl and very outgoing, pretty and charming we wanted to make sure that she didn't become a diva. We make sure she reads books about others who serve and we continually reward her for those behaviors.

 

If she starts showing signs of unkindness or selfish behaviors then she must serve someone else - especially the person that she has been unkind to. It might be making their bed or taking one of their chores or having to do everyone's dishes. If she is unkind or bossy to Mom then she has to do some of Mom's work as well as apologize.

 

Privileges are earned, they are not a right to be demanded in our home and we have seen this to be a valuable tool.

 

We have found this to be very fruitful and are very proud of the young lady she's turning into.

[Anne]

:bigear: Me too. Except I think it's too late for my diva. She's 9. I think at this point she's a diva going on a teenage drama queen.

 

When my little diva was about that age, I started talking to her about her organizational and leadership gifts. We started talking about what made good leaders, why some people were successful and others were not, some were liked and others were not. This worked really well for her - after all, we were talking about *her* gifts!! :D

 

When she was a bit older, I told her to watch some of the grown women in our church and make note of the qualities they exhibited that she wanted to have. Again, this really seemed to make her think more concretely about how her behavior appeared to other people.

 

Anne