Do YOU have a free-range kid?

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

I don't have free-range kids. I wish I could, but I think Americans have the wrong culture for it. Our sense of community is severely lacking. I have lived overseas and visited many other places, including some of the poorest of the poor. There are places where I would feel comfortable letting my kids be more free. America is not one of them.

 

Tara

 

:iagree: I also think that sure there are crime shows and CNN which tend to portray only the bad stuff. OTOH, as a free range kid myself in the 1960's and 1970's I had several close calls with such things as the man in the car pulling up and offering us little kids candy as well as having 2 classmates brutally murdered in 4th grade by a stranger and I lived in a small town:(

 

After watching the Oprah show where actors were able to convince kids who had been taught about stranger danger to leave a park area in 15 seconds with the parents consent, I especially became convinced that young kids do not have the judgement an adult has.

 

I think one can protect ones kids and teach them life skills, work skills, and common sense skills as well.

 

MY 2 cents:)

[Ester Maria]

I didn't read the previous replies. I wrote in some of the earlier threads on the topic about how I grew up free range (in Europe - and Rome has always been a potentially dangerous place, in all epochs), and how it's hard to find a balance when raising children here, since this is a society of largely insecure and overprotective people, and you might end up sued for neglect if you do some of the things I grew up considering "normal".

1) Imagine a person who has CNN on in the background for several hours a day. Then, in the evening, they "relax" by watching popular shows like Law and Order and CSI. Unusual? Probably not.

Does this kind of viewing affect one's psyche and outlook on the world? Does it cause anxiety levels to rise? Does it make people think the world is more dangerous than it actually is?

I think so. People tend to overlook two things: one, that today's media is largely, as my husband says, "yellow and black" - we're being informed mostly about the world of celebrities, gossip and entertainment (thus the "yellow" component) in one hand and, in the other hand, about the underworld and all kinds of atrocities and threats that are going on; and two, that there is, objectively speaking, more people in the world today so the greater prevalence of some things is actually statistically expected. It's just that now those things make headlines as the imperative of the media is to sell, and especially to sell that which excites and disturbs the "animal component" of the human psyche - which is, if we're going to simplify it, sex and violence. That's what's the media is about since that's what sells - not the other way round. If intellectuality were selling, the media would be about university professors and ways to improve your learning abilities. The media are profit-driven, never forget that, and exploit what makes people excited.

 

We don't really watch television over here (not on the regular basis, and we don't get our news that way), so it makes us see it with totally different eyes when we do. There is something really disturbing about the sensational way the news are being presented, about the choice of the news in the first place, and about all kids of visual and auditory effects to worsen it. It inevitably influences the psyche, on a very physical level indeed - your body, disturbed, "prepares" for a reaction (as if it were in a situation of a defense), which doesn't occur. And then we wonder why we have a nation of hyperactive unhappy children (well, the overprotectiveness and media and overall societal psychosis is half of the story - the other half is even more physical, on the level of fructose mostly, but that's another discussion).

2) Teens and tweens today are so used to years of being told, "Don't do this; it's not safe" or "Don't do that; that's something for an adult to do!" that they are turning passive and useless in a way past generations typically were not. No wonder teenagers are surly and self-centered when they are given little independence and responsibility. A hundred years ago, 17 year old females were often married and running households of their own. Today, a female a year or two much younger might not even go to the grocery store alone, ever, to buy a jug of milk.

Yeah, I find it incredible. My parents and relatives at home even more, when they hear about the extremes going on here (not allowing a teen to go grocery shopping or, as you later bring up, going to the mailbox), they comment on how America is raising the generation that's going to destroy it, because the lack of real freedom and "making invalids our of your children" is directly connected to the lack of real responsibility and reliability.

3) Along those same lines, there is not much opportunity today for teens to work. It used to be that, at age 12 or so, you could get a job delivering newspapers -- and kids used to babysit at ages 10 and 11. Now, most newspapers will not even hire a deliverer under the age of 18. And many people think a 10 year old needs to HAVE a babysitter, not be one.

You know, I didn't work until I was 19-20 (my parents had a different work philosophy, but that's another topic), yet I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself AND handling money AND I could be trusted to be left alone.

 

I disagree on the work topic with most of the people here, I assume, since I honestly don't think that neither chores nor work constitute the crucial part of teaching responsibility to children, in fact, I think it's a cultural thing more than anything else - but I see no reason why a teen should not work because they're considered "incapable" of working (as opposed to not working because they don't have to and their parents don't make them), should they wish or need to work.

3) In most non-English-speaking countries,children are given much independence than American and English children. Just as one example, in other countries, at age four people starting leaving their children at public park filled with other children of various ages, but no adults. In fact, people from other countries think Americans are kinda weird in this regard. One German was quoted as saying, incredulous, "The land of the free and the home of the brave? Ha!"

True.

4) Is it any surprise that child obesity rates are rising, when kids are rarely allowed to play outside or GO anywhere themselves? (A few parents were quoted as saying that they would not let their children walk to the mailbox at the end of their driveway alone "because something bad could happen.")

Yes, but it's not the exclusive cause. For example, I grew up on high carb diet (Italian home :D, with pasta and stuff) and never did more than occasional recreational sports, and I was slim to normal (on the lower end of the scale, with periods of being underweight!). Why? No artificial stuff, and very small amounts of fructose (plus the European meal portions are half American ones). In the US they put fructose in EVERYTHING, it drives my husband (who is a pharmacist ;)) INSANE. He's actually the one responsible for what we eat here, due to his profession, because the food industry is so poisoned with everything. I think that's the principal reason, but when combined with physical inactivity and emotional immaturity (babbying the "children" at the age when they should be responsible agents, and the babbying in the school system), it's a killer both for physical and mental health.

5) Since today's kids are rarely alone anymore, we as parents tend to not teach them the skills they need, since we're always there for them. For example, if a kid never rides their bike or walks to school or the library alone, we are unlikely to teach them the rules of being a pedestrian, etc.

That's when you take a big breath and figure out that "preparing" the kids for life is a useless concept unless you're putting it into practice by making your child LIVING the life they can live at the given age.

And how do you personally give your kids responsibility and independence in a society where most people are afraid to let kids do much of anything?

The most I can, from handling the kitchen to flying.

Something can always happen, but what this society is doing is insane and a great damage to children.

[LibraryLover]

 

The most I can, from handling the kitchen to flying.

Something can always happen, but what this society is doing is insane and a great damage to children.

 

 

I don't want to judge the people here, since I tend to trust that most are good reporters. However, I agree with you.

 

I know people in my own community who demand that children hold their hands *everywhere*, including our safe library. I know a woman who made her 4 yr old child sit on her lap at a playgroup because the children were running in a large yard and she didn't think her child would be safe running with the bulls. He squirmed, she pushed down harder on his thighs with her forearms. 'Oh, he is so shy!". It was awkward.

 

I think people do more damage by yelling at their children, holding them fast to their laps, and/or punishing normally developing 3+ yr olds for walking a couple of feet away in safe public places. "Hold my hand! Get over here!" sounds so shrill and sharp. It makes it all that much worse for the child. Those paniced parent voices invite fear where there shouldn't be fear.

 

I have traveled a lot; my dh was not born here, and we have visited his home country several times. Bad things happen everywhere sometimes, bu I have not witnessed many (any?) folks talking to thier children as fearfully as Americans do, and children are not abducted more here, per capita. Most abductions are by parents and people well known to children.

 

I hate to say that, but it's true. Americans have been lied to (media makes the most money with big drama) and have been encouraged to live a life of fear, even when the statistics of their own communities show otherwse. If we are content, there is no money to be made, nobody to watch the next installment of harrowing news.

 

Many Americans have not traveled abroad, so they don't know that places like Rome or Athens or Hong Kong have their own issues. They tend to romanticize Other Places. I see my community in a very different way than many I know. While danger may exisit, I try to temper my thoughts to the reality. I see that many caring community members are watching out for all. (That's why the nosy old lady asks you so many questions). If most everyone is watching, children are safer. Nothing is 100%. Even in a 5 point safety seat, an 18 wheeler can mow you over. Each day we have to hedge our bets to a greater or lesser degree--- no matter where we live.

Edited June 15, 2010 by LibraryLover

[littlebug42]

Just for a point of reference, here is the Playhouse Disney video mentioned in the blog. The kids do cook with their mother in the kitchen and get to help but are not encouraged to handle hot pans/sharp knives on their own. Again, Playhouse Disney's target audience is 3-4 years old. My 8 and 6 year olds do assist me in the kitchen and I am helping them learn the proper way to handle these items. I did not allow them to handle sharp knives at all when they were 3-4. Appropriate things come in time.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jey3VZJkkiQ

[LibraryLover]

Just for a point of reference, here is the Playhouse Disney video mentioned in the blog. The kids do cook with their mother in the kitchen and get to help but are not encouraged to handle hot pans/sharp knives on their own. Again, Playhouse Disney's target audience is 3-4 years old. My 8 and 6 year olds do assist me in the kitchen and I am helping them learn the proper way to handle these items. I did not allow them to handle sharp knives at all when they were 3-4. Appropriate things come in time.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jey3VZJkkiQ

 

 

Ha, thanks! That's upsetting to people?

 

Safety violations. Orange cones in the kitchen. LOL

 

That is geared to 8 yr olds? My kids would have died of boredom. Perhaps. I don't know. But by 8 they could mix and bake cookies on their own (me being at home, nearby, of course), make lumpy pancakes and lots of other things.

Edited June 15, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Peela]

BTW I DID allow my 3 and 4 year olds to handle sharp knives and not ONCE did they cut themselves. They also drank out of glasses, not plastic. I learned to do this when I studied a bit of Montessori- they use smaller size adult utensils, rather than plastic versions, and I figured small glasses and a good vegetable knife would be fine- they were. They just have to have a grip or size that a small hand can handle.

If you trust an intelligent small kid to handle a sharp knife, and dont hover over them anxiously just WAITING for them to cut themselves- they will amaze you. They have enough life experience by 3, or they should, to know that a sharp knife will cut them if they are not careful and their natural self preservation instincts will kick in. I dont think my kids are so unusual, although neither was especially hyper and you should always know your own kids. My kids never stepped into fires either, or anything like that, because after being taught and shown how hot a candle or a fire is, they just wouldnt! Who would?

Fear is not a good guide of children! Fear creates what it is trying to prevent, by focusing on it.

[LibraryLover]

I can't do plastic cups. They feel greasy to me. And no plastic plates or silverware for anyone. No can do.

 

I think about all those Reggio Emilia toddlers in Italy who are eating off real dishes and drinking from real glasses. In a school! Isnt that crazy! Those kids are going to need stitches, just you wait! lol Americans who do Waldorf at least have the good sense to use enamel-wear and wood! :lol:

 

BTW I DID allow my 3 and 4 year olds to handle sharp knives and not ONCE did they cut themselves. They also drank out of glasses, not plastic. I learned to do this when I studied a bit of Montessori- they use smaller size adult utensils, rather than plastic versions, and I figured small glasses and a good vegetable knife would be fine- they were. They just have to have a grip or size that a small hand can handle.

If you trust an intelligent small kid to handle a sharp knife, and dont hover over them anxiously just WAITING for them to cut themselves- they will amaze you. They have enough life experience by 3, or they should, to know that a sharp knife will cut them if they are not careful and their natural self preservation instincts will kick in. I dont think my kids are so unusual, although neither was especially hyper and you should always know your own kids. My kids never stepped into fires either, or anything like that, because after being taught and shown how hot a candle or a fire is, they just wouldnt! Who would?

Fear is not a good guide of children! Fear creates what it is trying to prevent, by focusing on it.

Edited June 15, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Ester Maria]

I can't do plastic cups. They feel greasy to me. And no plastic plates or silverware for anyone. No can do.

I can't do plastic dishes either, to save my life, I can't; I was shocked when upon moving to the US I realized some people use plastic cups or plates in their own homes. Okay for, I don't know, field trips, when they're obviously more convenient, but - at home?! :confused:

 

Then I turn on the "it's all equal but different" politically correct mantra in my mind and think, whatever floats your boat. :D

[LibraryLover]

I can't do plastic dishes either, to save my life, I can't; I was shocked when upon moving to the US I realized some people use plastic cups or plates in their own homes. Okay for, I don't know, field trips, when they're obviously more convenient, but - at home?! :confused:

 

Then I turn on the "it's all equal but different" politically correct mantra in my mind and think, whatever floats your boat. :D

 

 

:) When I visit people, I am fine with drinking or eating from whatever. I have a friend who has plastic cups with various colored bands you can attach snap arpund the bottom; in a crowd of parents and kids, you can put your cup down and know which is your own when you get back to it. Of course, half the time I forget what color band was my own, but enough people do seem to remember, so that helps.

[astrid]

BTW I DID allow my 3 and 4 year olds to handle sharp knives and not ONCE did they cut themselves. They also drank out of glasses, not plastic. I learned to do this when I studied a bit of Montessori- they use smaller size adult utensils, rather than plastic versions, and I figured small glasses and a good vegetable knife would be fine- they were. They just have to have a grip or size that a small hand can handle.

If you trust an intelligent small kid to handle a sharp knife, and dont hover over them anxiously just WAITING for them to cut themselves- they will amaze you. They have enough life experience by 3, or they should, to know that a sharp knife will cut them if they are not careful and their natural self preservation instincts will kick in. I dont think my kids are so unusual, although neither was especially hyper and you should always know your own kids. My kids never stepped into fires either, or anything like that, because after being taught and shown how hot a candle or a fire is, they just wouldnt! Who would?

Fear is not a good guide of children! Fear creates what it is trying to prevent, by focusing on it.

 

:iagree:I couldn't agree more, Peela.

Another mom who allowed real silverware and glasses, not sippy cups here. Thank you for your post.

 

astrid

[Wheres Toto]

I think people do more damage by yelling at their children, holding them fast to their laps, and/or punishing normally developing 3+ yr olds for walking a couple of feet away in safe public places. "Hold my hand! Get over here!" sounds so shrill and sharp. It makes it all that much worse for the child. Those paniced parent voices invite fear where there shouldn't be fear.

 

.

I keep my kids close in public places but not because I worry about their safety, its because I worry about the safety of the stuff around them. My kids are pretty destructive. I get glared at all the time when I let my kids wander a bit. Places like the mall, playground, walking around our neighborhood I like to let them walk a bit ahead to explore. I've had people intercept my kids when they were going to look at something and tell them to be careful and not touch. :glare: When they do get too far away, I'll usually speed up myself rather than call them back (unless they go in opposite directions, in which case I do need to call out to one of them).

 

It's not an easy balance - letting them explore without giving them a chance to cause real damage.

 

Ha, thanks! That's upsetting to people?

 

Safety violations. Orange cones in the kitchen. LOL

 

That is geared to 8 yr olds? My kids would have died of boredom. Perhaps. I don't know. But by 8 they could mix and bake cookies on their own (me being at home, nearby, of course), make lumpy pancakes and lots of other things.

 

No this is geared toward 3 to 4 year olds.

[susankenny]

I've not read all of the replies yet, but I'd say my daughter (soon to be 9) is not really a free-range kid. I trust her, but not others. She is able to be home alone with my phone while I'm next door at my mom's house. She can play in the backyard alone, but it has a privacy fence. She gets the mail for me & I do let her ride her scooter on the front sidewalk but she has to stay between my house and my mother's. She also can cook independently when I'm home. Our library is in walking distance (a block away) and our town is very small, so I hope as she gets older, we can let her have more freedom. I know there are sex offenders registered within miles of us though. I realize many people see this as paranoid on my part, but I don't care. She is too small to defend herself & I'm the one that has to live with it and is ultimately responsible if anything were to happen to her. She's not replaceable, ykwim? so until she's older, I am comfortable with how much freedom she has.

 

 

Susan

 

ETA - my kids can also use glass plates. My daughter has tea parties daily with my grandmother's china. I know she is responsible enough to handle that & she always takes very good care of her things and mine. Even my 6 year old does well with it and uses real plates and cups, etc.

Edited June 15, 2010 by susankenny