She's almost 10....and she's decided she's going to stand up for her rights.

[gpsings]

In response to being grounded (for the rest of the day for attitude problems) she just told me that I'M grounded.

I sent her to her room to cool off, I'm thinking...grounded for the week, and must EARN her grounding being lifted by doing a list of extra chores every day.

Is that too heavy?

What do you think? Where did I go wrong?

[MIch elle]

I think you are being too harsh BUT I don't know you, your dd or the actual circumstances. I blow my stack once in awhile. Don't you? Tell her to apologize after you've discussed the situation.

 

She's learning how to fight back and that's a good thing in my book. The parent needs to teach dc what is the proper way to negotiate and when to apologize.

[Perry]

In response to being grounded (for the rest of the day for attitude problems) she just told me that I'M grounded.

I sent her to her room to cool off, I'm thinking...grounded for the week, and must EARN her grounding being lifted by doing a list of extra chores every day.

Is that too heavy?

What do you think? Where did I go wrong?

I'm sure you'll get good ideas from others, but I have to say grounding never worked for us. It turned into punishment for me, because she made life intolerable while she was grounded. My mom's default punishment was grounding me, and it didn't do anything to change my obnoxious behaviors, but it did make me resentful, hateful, and very sneaky.

 

When my dd was a toddler, she frequently told me I needed to go to time out. :lol: Sometimes she was right.

[Desert Rat]

I agree with the previous posters. I've specifically told my boys that if I start yelling and screaming, being irrational (I'm a hothead), that they may POLITELY tell me that I need a break. It's tough raising kids. My boys question my authority. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. It does make for harder days because I'm explaining myself and debating with them. I would rather teach them how to rationally question authority than rule the roost. JMHO My boys are good, honest and respectful most of the time. That's why I allow room for negotiation.

[usetoschool]

I am a firm believer in not punishing people for what they think or feel. She is only ten and needs help expressing herself, acknowledgment of her feelings and a discussion of a better way to handle things, not punishment. Her feelings are going to get stronger as she gets older and now is the time for you two to build your relationship and work out your own method of handling these things. You can't control her feelings but you can help her find appropriate ways to act on those feelings.

 

Just my advice from looking back on how I could have handled things better with my older kids :glare: and how it is working so much better with my younger.

[Starr]

I've been known to tell my dc that I overreacted and discuss what they did wrong and reduce the punishment. It gives you some time to talk about appropriate behaviors in a calmer time. I do think it's important to stop the sassy come backs when children are young. It's always something, isn't it? :)

[MelanieM]

What is your goal here? What do you want to teach her from this experience? Is grounding her and giving her extra chores going to achieve that? Those would be the questions I'd ask myself.

 

In our family we use time outs (for any of us!) as a way to go off and gather yourself so that you can come back in a better frame of mind, and prepared to talk to others in a reasonable, respectable way. So if someone is acting out of sorts, we suggest removal to a private space to cool off. It's a way to help achieve family harmony and keep someone from doing something they'll regret, not a punishment. (At least, that's the goal. ;)) So if one of my kids told me I was grounded, I would probably try to reflect on my own behaviour to determine whether or not I agreed with them.

[JFSinIL]

I'd have acted happy and said "What, I get to stay in my room and read, nap, relax? I don't have to wash your clothes or cook your food (etc.) Yeah, I'm grounded!!!"

 

Then I would have put my feet up, with a snack and book in my room , and told the girl "YOU cook/clean/dust/mop" etc.

;)

[AK_Mom4]

I'd have acted happy and said "What, I get to stay in my room and read, nap, relax? I don't have to wash your clothes or cook your food (etc.) Yeah, I'm grounded!!!"

 

Then I would have put my feet up, with a snack and book in my room , and told the girl "YOU cook/clean/dust/mop" etc.

;)

 

YES!!!!:iagree:

Oh, ground me! Please!

[gpsings]

OK....I've cooled off some. I agree it was too harsh, but I don't know what to do when they are older and get out of line, you know? My 3 year old is so easy. He goes to the 'naughty corner' (yeah, guess who I got that from!) but my oldest I assumed was a little to big for that. After the cool off, we both apologized to each other, and I asked her to write down for me what she thought my job was as a mother. Is it to be her friend and entertain her everyday? Or is it to help her grow up to be a good person and a productive member of society? How should I do that? How can she learn from me? I honestly do think all 3 of my kids have it WAY too easy around here, and I'm looking for ways to fit more into our day.

That's a whole other thread. :laugh:

[Debora R]

well....If you think her attitude is "childish" (taking into account her age, of course)....you could send her to the Naughty Corner instead of grounding her.

 

I've done that to my older boys a time or two when their behavior was more in line with Baby Brother....It got the point across. :tongue_smilie:

[AK_Mom4]

I, too, have sent my teens to stand in the corner when their behavior was less-than-age-appropriate.

 

My older kids have always responded well to a list of chores. It just seems like if it's written down, they can look at it and get it done quickly. Then they go on to their own activities and everyone is happy.

[MamaSheep]

I'd have acted happy and said "What, I get to stay in my room and read, nap, relax? I don't have to wash your clothes or cook your food (etc.) Yeah, I'm grounded!!!"

 

Then I would have put my feet up, with a snack and book in my room , and told the girl "YOU cook/clean/dust/mop" etc.

;)

 

Lol. I like that...lol.

 

I'd probably have just laughed and said, "Nice try, my little monkey, now off to your room until you're ready to work."

 

But then, we use time-outs kind of like MelanieM described. And we do try to have our first reaction to conflict be attempting to examine the situation objectively and talk about how to fix it, rather than establishing dominance and placing blame. It just works better that way. Sometimes one or all of us needs to go calm down before we talk it over, and there are times when we, as parents, just have to stand on our authority and lay down the law, but as the kids get older and wiser that happens less often. Usually we can calmly discuss things like the fact that "rights" are closely tied to "responsibilities" and if a person wants more "rights" they have to be willing and able to take on the corresponding responsibilities.

 

(In fact, funny story. When ds was about 9 he tried to assert his "right" to do whatever he wanted in his room because it was HIS room, and we had no right to tell him what to do in there. We explained that HIS room was part of OUR house, on which we take the responsibility of paying a mortgage, thereby acquiring the legal "right" to establish rules for what goes on in our house--all of our house, including rooms we generously allow our children to use. If we didn't take the responsibility of paying the mortgage, the bank would kick us out and we wouldn't have any house to live in. We told him that we would be willing to hand over some of those rights to him if he was willing to take on some of the responsibility in the form of paying rent. We gave him a very generous rental rate of $300 a month, to include non-exclusive use of the upstairs bathroom and meals with the family, though if he wanted to specify what food would be served that would cost extra, like restaurant rates. He looked at us like we'd lost our minds and said, "WHAT? I'm NINE years old! I can't even legally get a job yet, so WHERE am I going to get $300 a month?" We said that sadly if he was unwilling or unable to take on the responsibilities that correspond with the rights, then that demonstrated, logically, that he was not yet ready to have those rights. That being the case, he'd better get his room cleaned up if he wanted to keep all that stuff in there. Otherwise, we'd start exercising our "right" to get rid of some of the extra junk cluttering up our property, since we are "responsible" for keeping our home safe and sanitary. The look on his face was priceless. And it worked so much better than threats, punishments, or grounding. (But then, those kinds of things have NEVER worked with this child--and they haven't really been necessary for the other one, all I have to do with her is look disappointed, and she bursts into apologetic tears--the boy, though, psychological warefare all the way). For a couple of weeks afterward when he started fuming about his rights being violated I could just say, "Oh, do you have your rent payment for the month pulled together then?" and he'd quit. After that we didn't hear any more about rights for a loooong time...lol. And on the flip side, a very effective technique with him has been to say, "You know, Dad and I have been talking and we've both noticed that you've been really responsible about X lately so we've decided that a guy who's responsible enough to do THAT is probably ready to take on X privilege as well--so long as you are responsible about it. He now goes around just LOOKING for ways to be "responsible". It's great.)

 

P.S. to the OP : Some of this is probably age-related. My mom once read me a (tongue in cheek) bit from their local newspaper about how such and such a political candidate planned to win by running on a platform in which she promised to lock up all nine year old children. That wouldn't have been nearly as funny if nine weren't such a common age for this new level of defiance (aka streak of independence) to start emerging from so many kids.

Edited May 29, 2010 by MamaSheep

[MamaSheep]

well....If you think her attitude is "childish" (taking into account her age, of course)....you could send her to the Naughty Corner instead of grounding her.

 

I've done that to my older boys a time or two when their behavior was more in line with Baby Brother....It got the point across. :tongue_smilie:

We've done that sort of thing too. Early bedtime works wonders around here, because we've tied later bedtimes to age and maturity. For ds, being sent to bed at the same time as his little sister can be very effective. But hey, if you act like a 7 year old, you'll get treated like a 7 year old. If you act like a 13 year old I'll be happy to treat you like one. What do you suppose might happen if you're only 13, but can behave as maturely as, say, a 15 year old, dear darling son? That's right, extra privileges! Yay! (And a proud and happy mama, to boot.)

[CroppinIt]

She is only ten and needs help expressing herself, acknowledgment of her feelings and a discussion of a better way to handle things, not punishment. Her feelings are going to get stronger as she gets older and now is the time for you two to build your relationship and work out your own method of handling these things. You can't control her feelings but you can help her find appropriate ways to act on those feelings.

 

 

I agree.

 

I tend to look at it this way: The relationship I have with my kids is the foundation that we build on. If that foundation is sound, they will want to do what I ask, rather than being forced. If that relationship is sound, they will know they can come ask me about anything, anytime, at any age. That is important to me.

 

I tend to use the word "choice" a LOT in this kind of situation. I tell my kids that I can't control them (they were a bit shocked when I said that the first time) but that they can't control me either. So if they make the choice to leave a mess for me to clean up, for example, I will choose to not take them to the park later. It all comes down to the choices we make.

 

In your situation, she made the choice to talk back. Feelings are fine; opinions are fine (they're like bellybuttons, after all -- we all have them, but they're not all pretty). It's what we choose to do with those feeling and opinions that matters.

 

I have also taken away the privelege of speaking if they can't be nice. Yes, I'm the lady who made her daughter walk through the grocery store with her hand over her mouth because she smarted off in the van. "You know, honey, if you can't talk to your mother nicely, I'm afraid of what you might say to the strangers in the store. I can't take the chance that you will choose to smart off to them, too."

Edited May 29, 2010 by CroppinIt

[KidsHappen]

My children have sent me to my room before when I really needed a time out and it helps. :001_smile:

[gpsings]

well....If you think her attitude is "childish" (taking into account her age, of course)....you could send her to the Naughty Corner instead of grounding her.

 

I've done that to my older boys a time or two when their behavior was more in line with Baby Brother....It got the point across. :tongue_smilie:

 

Yeah. Good point. :laugh:

 

I, too, have sent my teens to stand in the corner when their behavior was less-than-age-appropriate.

 

My older kids have always responded well to a list of chores. It just seems like if it's written down, they can look at it and get it done quickly. Then they go on to their own activities and everyone is happy.

 

Thank you. This is so true!

 

I agree.

 

I tend to look at it this way: The relationship I have with my kids is the foundation that we build on. If that foundation is sound, they will want to do what I ask, rather than being forced. If that relationship is sound, they will know they can come ask me about anything, anytime, at any age. That is important to me.

 

I tend to use the word "choice" a LOT in this kind of situation. I tell my kids that I can't control them (they were a bit shocked when I said that the first time) but that they can't control me either. So if they make the choice to leave a mess for me to clean up, for example, I will choose to not take them to the park later. It all comes down to the choices we make.

 

In your situation, she made the choice to talk back. Feelings are fine; opinions are fine (they're like bellybuttons, after all -- we all have them, but they're not all pretty). It's what we choose to do with those feeling and opinions that matters.

 

I have also taken away the privelege of speaking if they can't be nice. Yes, I'm the lady who made her daughter walk through the grocery store with her hand over her mouth because she smarted off in the van. "You know, honey, if you can't talk to your mother nicely, I'm afraid of what you might say to the strangers in the store. I can't take the chance that you will choose to smart off to them, too."

I do like the 'Love and Logic' method, I'm just stumped when they say or do something that shocks me, and I can't come up with the consequence, you know? Then I wind up standing there stammering while they 'put me in my place' :lol:

 

An early comer to the logic stage? :lol:

 

I'm not into grounding but I am all for hard labor to aid in working out emotions.

 

At a later time it might be a good idea to sit her down and explain the appropriate, polite procedure for appealing a parental decision. I think that this is an important skill and I also think it is important that they see it is possible to appeal to authority and have some control over their lives. We are not perfect after-all and a calm well stated, evidence backed appeal for change is appropriate at times.

 

THIS is something I'm going to do. What is the polite procedure for telling me 'no'? LOL ...no, seriously. Good ideas. All of them.

[Chris in VA]

In response to being grounded (for the rest of the day for attitude problems) she just told me that I'M grounded.

I sent her to her room to cool off, I'm thinking...grounded for the week, and must EARN her grounding being lifted by doing a list of extra chores every day.

Is that too heavy?

What do you think? Where did I go wrong?

 

I don't know, she sassed you. That doesn't fly in my book. I don't think you were harsh, even if you do.

[amydavis]

I don't know, she sassed you. That doesn't fly in my book. I don't think you were harsh, even if you do.

:iagree:

[gpsings]

Where do I find the balance? I've been out of line with their routine, and I'm afraid I've spoiled them some. I don't think the sassing is ok, but I'm not really feeling justified in a harsh punishment right now. :( Maybe I am having some issues, IDK.

I had her write an essay, and she did sincerely apologize. I do need to have something in place for discipline, though. I'm really pondering this right now, because things have been out of order over this spring with family things popping up, there's been a lot of traveling...and a lot of days off. :(