Why does my oldest do this to me?

[TracyR]

My oldest turned 12 in January and let me tell you I think she is really starting to press my buttons. She doesn't want to listen to anything I have to say.

For instance she complained about her weight. She is tall at almost 5'6 at 12yrs old. Her body is developing of course so she isn't quite porportioned with herself. She isn't skinny but not 'fat' either. So I suggest to her , not tell her, to really start trying to eat more vegetables. I get " I can't eat vegetables, I don't like how they taste." Of course I tell her why its important to not eat sugary and high carb foods, not preaching of course. How if she starts trying more vegetables and being a bit more open minded about it that she would like them. She is my only one who thinks just eating lettuce counts as eating a vegetable. My other girls love veggies and will gobble them right up. Believe it or not I fed my girls all the same growing up too. Her body is changing and she can't sit and eat the stuff she used to because we all know what happens when the hormones kick in.. we can keep our weight on. I just want her to slow down, not lose weight because she still has much growing to do yet. But she just retorts back and whines and refuses to do anything.

 

For instance she is writing her research paper for the cyberschool we are with. I told her if she makes an outline she can follow it and it would make putting her ideas down on paper so much easier. I told her we can sit and do that together and I get " But I don't want to make an outline. I just want to write it and be done with it." Now you might say " Well maybe she doesn't need an outline." Oh yes she does. She's an awful writer. Her thoughts are always so scattered and I never know where to really fix her writing because there is no consistency when she starts to randomly write.

 

Even with karate class. She likes karate class but just can't understand why she has to practice the same thing over and over again. So her father explains to her how if you want to be good at something you need to practice it until you don't even think about it anymore. That it becomes part of your instinct bascially. That even firefighters, policemen(women), military,etc. practice the same things over and over again because if they didn't they would get hurt or even worse the person they protect would get hurt. He even went on to explain that Olympic athlets pratice the same thing over and over and over again to become better and greater athelets. I even explained it that we don't all master something the very first time we do something. That sometimes it can take weeks, months, years of practice to be truly good at something. For instance if you get a video game you don't beat all of the levels the very first time you get the game. That you practice playing the game doing it over and over.

Of course none of our explanations were good enough. We still got " Well I still don't understand. I'm good at what we're doing." Of course this came with her inflated ego because her kata was the best one out of the class. Not perfect, but pretty darned good like her sensei told her.

 

I'm sure everyone will tell me " welcome to the teen years." But man. The whole " why thing" and the " I don't understand" when you make it perfectly clear and can't get any simpler then what you are explaining thing is just getting on my nerves. The whinning and complaing is also coming as well with it. She whines at everything she does.

I told her that its not polite to whine ( something I think is acceptable to say to a 12 year old), and that no one likes a whiner.

 

How can I go about correcting this in the right way? I know she is growing up and is forming a mind of her own. But the way she is doing it wants to make my husband and I sit back and down a beer. Ugh.

I don't nag at her. We sit and have nice conversations with each other. I have a very good relationship with my girls.

Ugh, is there a way to get through to her as to why she has to do things. I mean I don't understand why I have to do the things I do either most of the time. I just do them. I think she should too.

[J-rap]

***

Edited February 18, 2023 by J-rap

[Chris in VA]

I think she just needs you to listen to her without offering solutions or explaining so much.

I know it's hard, on both of you.

[Perry]

I think she just needs you to listen to her without offering solutions or explaining so much.

I know it's hard, on both of you.

:iagree:

I liked the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen". It made me realize how I sounded from my kids' perspective.

[MamaT]

I just went through this same thing with my oldest dd in the past year. Things are much better now. Some things I did:

 

1) Let her know she could disagree with me if she did it respectfully. If she wasn't respectful, she was sent to her room until she could be.

 

2) When it comes to schoolwork, what I say goes. She is not in charge, non-negotiable.

 

3) Spent lots of extra time with just her doing girl things. She needed me to listen to her.

 

I have already had three boys go through this stage, but girls are a whole 'nother story. Hang in there and have some patience with her. It is a hard time for her too.

[gandpsmommy]

:iagree:

I liked the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen". It made me realize how I sounded from my kids' perspective.

 

Yes, this book was very helpful to me, as well.

[fairfarmhand]

Try this, When she whines or complains, tell her "Well, what do you think you should do about it?" She may have suggestions or not. If she doesn't have an idea ask her if she wants to know what you think. If she says yes then throw some ideas out there. When she shoots them down, just say, "well, that's what I think. If you don't agree you're going to have to come up with something on your own." And leave it at that.

[Melissa in FL]

You know it sounds like she just wants to vent. I think she's getting to the stage where all she wants to do is vent a little at the two of you and then figure it out herself. I remember when I would say these kind of things to my dh right at the beginning of our relationship. I had to teach him to just listen and not "solve" my problem. I already knew how to solve it, but I just wanted him to listen to me complain for a bit because I needed to vent before I could move on. Sometimes I needed to vent long enough to come up with my own solution. Even now when I'm venting to dh I sometimes need to remind him that I don't need advise, I just need him to listen.

 

Could this be what she's looking for? In all your examples that is what it sounds like. Try asking her if she is looking for a solution or if she's just venting. If she's just venting then try to agree with her. For instance if she's venting about her weight instead of telling her to eat veggies (a solution) tell her You know what she feels like, there are days you feel bloated and fat too. Then reassure her that her body is right for her but you know what she feel like (come on, we all feel fat sometimes even when we're not). With Karate let her know that Yes, it is boring to do something over and over again and you understand how frustrating it is. You might ask "you know why you have to, right?" but try to take the approach of just being a listener.

 

I stopped going to my dad (parents were divorced) during my teen years because I felt all I got were lectures from him. I didn't want or need lectures, just someone to listen. As an adult looking back I see that he was just trying to continue to parent me by giving advise and offering solutions. It's not what I needed and I pretty much stopped talking to him about anything important. I went to my friends instead who also vented on me. I have never been close with him since that time period, he's still one to give advise instead of just listen.

 

When my 13 yr old comes and talks to me I don't offer any advise until he asks. I realize that he's just thinking out loud and often will talk through to the solution if I give him enough time.

 

It sounds like you are doing a good job with her and she's coming and talking to you! Now you just need to listen.

HTH

Melissa

[Lolly]

You cannot correct her behaviors. She has to do that. You can give advise. Once. Then, it becomes nagging. It is up to her as to whether she takes it or not. Sometimes, when people complain they are just looking for reassurance. When she doesn't like her weight, she may just be wanting you go let her know she is fine the way she is. Unless there is a real weight problem with a young girl, that is really as far as it should ever go. If you want to discuss her eating habits, I would suggest doing it at a different time and without any weight mentioned at all. Perhaps just a concern that she isn't getting enough vitamin X. She could try eating Y to make sure she does. But, I gotta tell you, some people really DON'T like fruits and vegetables. Dh has never eaten them except in very limited quantities. He insists that they taste bitter. Imagine that, an extremely sweet strawberry, bitter? Yet, he is a 47 yo man with absolutely no health problems at all.

 

Karate practice, well, if she is one of the best in the class... You will probably have to let her figure this one out on her own. I've seen a lot of kids her age who CAN be the absolute best with little of no effort on their part. They are just naturals. I've seen those same kids start to be passed as they get on into the teen years by the ones who do practice. Two things happen at this point. One, the natural suddenly notices and starts working hard. Then, they truly shine. Or, two, they become frustrated and quit. Does her sensei know how little she practices? She may listen to him more than to you or dh. (If he is the type of person you can approach about this.)

 

What I have found to work best with my teens is to give advice matter of factly. Sort of in a "this is what worked for me" type of way. Then, it is in their court as to whether they take my advise or not. (Not in life or death matters of course, but really, how many of those are there?) By not giving ultimatums, I have found that they listen more. You also have to learn to know when they are just wanting an ear, a hug, and a soft shoulder. Just a hug and a "yeah, this is tough" is often all they really want or need.

[Starr]

While she needs to make some decisions for herself I agree with you being in charge of her school work. If she needs an outline she should be writing one. 12 is tricky but it does set you up for 16. Yes, listen and spend time with her but she still needs direction and to be respectful. I tell my dc they are not cooked yet or they would be living on their own. Now ,used to the changes, I really enjoy my teens.

[Lawana]

She doesn't want to listen to anything I have to say. .......

Is there a way to get through to her as to why she has to do things.

 

I think you've done a great job patiently explaining the "whys" of what she needs to do. Words can only go so far, however.

 

A book I read many years ago called Games People Play or something like that describes the "yeah, but" game. Person A complains about some problem, Person B responds "yeah, but ..." and then proceeds to shoot down all offered suggestions. What it boils down to is Person A at some level wants the problem to go away, and wants the interaction, but the interaction is not about problem solving.

 

I think it's perfectly legitimate to ask, "Are you looking for help to solve your problem, or are you just venting?" Then it's also legit to limit the amount of *your* time *you* spend listening to mere whining. I certainly am not implying that you limit the time you spend with your dd, but the quality of the interactions shouldn't always leave you drained.

 

Also, it would help to clarify to yourself what things you intend as requirements, versus suggestions. I think it's fine to require a 12 yo to eat 3 (or whatever number you want) servings of vegetables a day, as long as they are prepared and served to the family. Wanting her to *want* to eat vegetables is an admirable goal, but she may not be there yet. If you decide to let it be a true suggestion, then be prepared for her to possibly reject that idea, and then you'll need to give up your frustration over it.

 

 

I also think it's fine to *require* an outline for the research paper, if you, as the parent, have evidence to believe it is a necessary step for her. "I need an outline by tomorrow. If you want my help, I can sit with you for an hour after lunch today, as long as you will agree to not whine about it." Or, if you are prepared to let her take the (I'm assuming external) consequences for a poor paper, then something like, "Your paper is due Friday. I need a draft in my hands Wednesday at noon. I am available for questions until then. And no whining."

 

I think we, as parents, sometimes fall into the trap of letting our desire for our dc to *want* to do what *we* want them to do, that we spend way too much energy trying to *convince* them. I absolutely believe in explanations, and going for the heart, but at some point, due to the immaturity and human condition of our dc, we need to shut up and require action.

 

I wish you the best with your situation.

[Haiku]

I don't have the same conversations over and over with my kids (I also have a fifteen year old in addition to the ones in my sig). We discuss things, and then when they bring them up again (not to actually discuss, just to whine and nag), I say, "We already discussed that" and move on. I also don't tell my kids stuff they already know. Sometimes they want to engage in a conversation just to be argumentative. I don't take the bait. My fifteen year old asks for my advice/opinion and then proceeds to tell me why it won't work. I just look at her and move on. Sometimes I say to my dd, "Well, you seem to know how you want to handle this. Good luck." *Big smile*

 

My fifteen year old is very hard-headed (and sometimes very thick) and I have discovered that it's far better to let her fall on her own face than it is to strong-arm her into doing it my way or try to get her to agree with me. She's much more likely to listen to hard knocks than she is to her stupid mother. ;)

 

Tara

Edited May 28, 2010 by TaraTheLiberator