15 yo son wants to be a rockstar and do drugs....

[Debora R]

Oh My. I haven't read the other responses yet, so forgive me if someone else has already replied along these lines.....

 

 

It sounds to me like this may have started of as a typical teenage rebellion (All teens rebel about something, and each child needs to be handled a little differently to get them through it and back on a reasonable course). Are you sure that he's not fanning the fire by telling you he wants to try drugs?

 

It seems like perhaps you have handled this in such a way that you've pushed your son into a corner. You are probably going to have to give some ground somewhere, some how or you are going to lose your son to this destructive dream.....by giving ground like letting him know that you love him and are worried and acknowledging that you cannot control his adult life, you just want to see him make healthy choices. You may also consider allowing him to resume guitar lessons, provided he pays for them himself and doesn't join any rock bands until he is living on his own.

 

Please understand that I fully respect your position as parent and provider. I am however, speaking as a child who once had a very different vision for my life than my parents had for me......and who dramatically overreacted as I was figuring out what direction I wanted to go......I was a good kid, and never lied to my parents until they backed me into a corner and gave me, literally, no other choice. I told them the truth. They just refused to hear it.......

 

In my case, it wasn't drugs, but like your son, it was about making some choices regarding my life. What I wanted from them, as perhaps your son may want from you, is that you love unconditionally, and trust him to ultimately make the best choices in his life for himself - with appropriate guidance rather than an iron hand.......

 

ETA: Overall, some of his behavior is indeed extreme, and counseling both individually and as a family may help.

Edited May 29, 2010 by Debora R

[Jen in NY]

:grouphug:

 

I wish I had some great advice. I don't. As the mom of a 15yo girl I am astonished almost daily at what goes through her head... sometimes in a really great and grown up way, sometimes in a scare the you-know-what out of me teenager mind warp way. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and I will be sending positive vibes your way.

 

Best to you,

Jen

[Greta]

This isn't 'new' behavior. As I said, he has struggled his whole life with moodiness, irritability, etc. However it has stepped up considerably since 12/13.

 

I am by no means an expert, but this sounds to me like you might be dealing with a biochemical issue that has gotten worse wih puberty. I think in your shoes I would be looking for medical (psychiatric) help.

 

You sound like a deeply loving and committed mother. :grouphug: Your family will be in my prayers.

[Sonshine]

Many have posted much deeper advice than I have. I have two points. One, I would not send him to school. Academics and social skills are the least of his problems, and access to who knows what through friends at school, as well as reinforcement of his erroneous thinking by others, would be like handing matches and gasoline to an arsonist. You also would have even less control over his life than you do now - much less.

 

Also, bi-polar can be diagnosed before age 18. It often manifests itself at puberty. I'm not saying that's what your son has, but didn't want you to rule that out if it otherwise fits.

[Lovedtodeath]

I see too many signs of mental illness (depression, bipolar, whatever) to suggest anything other than counseling.

He may just need medication.:iagree:

[Oney Jones]

Michelle :grouphug:

 

Keeping a journal is a great idea for all those reasons. Also, I understand about your husband's work and travel. Is there any way at all your son could go with his dad and help him, spend time with him, have that time to talk, just be together with him for more than a couple hours at a time?

 

Praying for you Mom--and your precious boy.

[Journey]

Neither have I read all six pages of responses but I doubt anyone said what I'm going to say!

 

First of all, I applaud you for telling us about your son and the problems he's having. I'm getting really tired of hearing so many people (not so much on this board) say how perfect and great their kids are. Sorry, but I don't buy it for a second! I am SO sorry that you are going through this with your son and I have no advice because I have not gone through anything like this at all. Well, my daughter does lie. Your son sounds like he's pretty smart and he knows how to play the game he's playing (game is a terrible word to use here) and I think if he goes to counseling he is just going to lie to the counselor because he probably doesn't want to go so he's not going to try to help this guy help him. I do think putting him in school is a great idea (sorry people). It sounds like he has you, his mother, right where he wants you...where you are at your wits end with no idea of what to do next. He definately needs to be with other people and he definately needs to be with people (teachers) who know how to deal with this type of personality....on a daily basis. Homeschooling works for some but NOT for everyone. Your son is in a crisis (your family is in a crisis) right now and getting him out of the house daily is, in my opinion, what needs to be done. Thankfully he hasn't done anything really, really bad...and that may be because deep down, he is a coward and that's a good thing in this situation. So he wants to be a rock star drug addict....really....how many people actually succeed at this "dream"? Not many. He is going to grow up some day and look back on all of this and laugh....if you think about it, most of us went through stages similar to this...some of us less so, some of us more so but we all turned out pretty good I'd say. I will be praying for you and your family. It's in situations like this, when we have NO idea at all what to do, that we have NO other choice but to put it in God's hands. We know He loves your son more than you ever could and while it's breaking His heart to watch what is going on, He can and will fix it if we ask Him to. Please keep us posted and also, remember, there is nothing wrong with medication of that's what's needed. I know lots of people think medication is bad but I so don't agree with that. Heck, if the barn needs painting...then PAINT it.

[Splash]

Just my thoughts. My ds had similar symptoms this past summer/fall as your ds. He did not use drugs or alcohol but otherwise fit your description. He has always struggled with things and we know he has sensory processing dysfunction,LD and ADHD.

 

Things became much, much worse the past 2 yrs. though so we sought a psychiatrist. I did most of the talking, he only had to verify that what I was saying was true or not true. Psychiatrist doesn't really do any counciling or talk therapy, just works through a few points. Ds was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and the beginning of OCD. Medication has done wonders. It took quite a while to get everything working at the correct dosage but it is so much better right now. He is still difficult but not like he was. We also put him in school.

 

For us it was public school because we don't have great private options. This has also been really good for him. It has been good to have deadlines, assignments and expectations from other adults. It has helped me to see the good parts about my son again and that there are kids struggling so much more than he is that have blown school and adults off while my son still wants to succeed. He has had struggles but has succeeded as well. It gives the rest of the family a break from the stress and drama of the past year. It gave me more time for the other kids. I do think he needed to feel he could do it on his own without me.

 

Anyway, I hope you find what works for your son. I never thought we'd end up on medication. One reason we homeschooled was because I didn't want my son to end up medicated due to the stress he puts on himself but we ended up there anyway, just like the books that deal with his LD predicted.

[Chris in VA]

Just wondered how you are.

 

Also, pls know that a person does not need $ to use drugs, and alcohol is extremely accessible.

[Ottakee]

My first thought was bipolar or other bio-chemical issues.

 

I woudl try to get in to a adolescent psychiatrist ASAP--even going in through the emergency services program, etc.

 

What you write sounds so much like my friend's son who is 17. I have thought bipolar since I met him 10 years ago but the doctor they saw didn't agree.

 

Things kept getting worse and worse and the physical violence did start. Right after Christmas he stepped in front of a semi and barely survived. He may never walk again and might have a long term brain injury. He though did get on the correct meds for bipolar and his mom reports that he is the best he has been since he was a very young child.

 

I urge you to get professional help NOW. Ask about bipolar, a mood disorder, etc. Do some research, etc.

[at the beach]

Well, I think it may just simply be a case of teenage romanticism, and they tend to be so dramatic and moody. Combining those three things can lead any adult to think something is seriously wrong when in fact it could just be that he's being a kid. I do agree that behavior as you describe can seem and be extreme.

 

Teens can tend to view tragedy as romantic because they have not experienced life yet. They are looking for excitement. As middle-aged adults, we've often experienced all the excitement we want and then some. We can tend to forget what we felt like all those years ago.

 

Not saying it CAN'T be mental illness, but I wouldn't bet on it. It sounds like he still does many very normal activities with you and your family. He may feel backed into a corner. You say he has no friends. I probably would try to remedy that somehow and maybe school would be the right thing depending on how he feels about it. I'd give him back the guitar lessons. I, personally, don't think I would have made a big deal out of the book. I'd discuss it with him. And I would tell him that if you are willing to let him pursue guitar that he should be willing to accommodate you and agree to hang out with a friend once a week or so. And talk, talk, talk about his dream to play music.

 

When my oldest was a teen, I read her journal (long story) and I concluded she had serious problems. Then I discovered the notes in the journal were song lyrics. :tongue_smilie: Her friend's grandmother told me that I should not worry too much as kids that age were dramatic and moody and that they romanticized things that we didn't. She was fine then and she's absolutely fine now.

 

Just my two cents.

[Dmmetler]

If you choose to put your son in school, make sure the school counselor knows of your concerns. One of the positive points of having a child in school is that you have another adult who can give a second opinion on whether or not concerns are valid-but if they don't know you have them, it takes longer (especially with a high school student) for data to pile up such that a teacher is willing to take the risk of talking to a parent and getting a hostile response. And the school won't know your son to realize that this is a new behavior and a personality shift for him.

 

In addition, it's entirely possible that there is a support group or something for "kids going through stressful home situations" that he could be plugged into if it would help him at this point-but, again, the school has to know it might help.

[elizam]

I see too many signs of mental illness (depression, bipolar, whatever) to suggest anything other than counseling.

 

tears of frustration

limited social interaction

negative thinking

anger

self-medicating (drinking, smoking)

fixating

lying

stealing

 

He needs an intervention. The sooner, the better.

 

 

Same thoughts here, because this sounds very much like my son. He was always moody and sensitive, but a "good kid" till the tpreteen yrs hit. now, some would say that htis is "normal" or "because of hormones", or even, "because of homeschool sheltering", but sometimes it's much deeper than that. mental illness is more common than many people realize. My son was initially thought to have ADHD. Then we thought it was just depression. But he eventually was dxed with bipolar disorder which make the most sense. he has gotten into alcohol and drugs (not sure which drugs besides pot andpainkillers, but we do know that many people use those to self medicate their depression, anxiety, mood swings, etc.)

 

Boot camps work for some kids, but not typically ones with mood disorders, etc. They tend to make them worse. I don't know for sure, of course, if he is just rebelling or if he might have some sort of chemical imbalance. But I do believe it's serious and it's NOT your fault.

[elizam]

I would just get a psych eval done first before meds are prescribed. Like someone else said, if your son is using (which I would suspect) you can double (or triple, quadruple) what they are really using, based on what they are admitting to. Psych meds = powerful stuff. I'm just wary of meds with kids in particular, but that's just me.

My point isn't one profession is "better" than another. I'm actually thinking you want a professional team, which would include both. The psychologist will most likely have more face time with your son. That's why I would start there. No offense, just my opinion.

 

 

A good psychiatrist probably WILL prescribe meds because it is MUCh better to take prescribed meds under a pdoc's care than to self medicate with whatever (Xanax, klonipin, booze, pot which can lead to psychosis...not to mention cocaine, heroin, crack...MUCH better to take prescribed meds if that's what a good psychiatrist recommends. And I'd be wary of any pdoc or therapist who says it's "just behavioral."

[elizam]

Thanks for all the great advice. I have wanted to get him help but ds is refusing to 'talk' to anyone. He says he doesn't need it.

 

Despite the fact that it seems as though we have only given out harsh punishments, we haven't. There was much more involved than just getting the book. We simply connected certain behaviors to the book. Forgive as I didn't go into the details of all of that.

 

This isn't 'new' behavior. As I said, he has struggled his whole life with moodiness, irritability, etc. However it has stepped up considerably since 12/13.

 

He isn't using drugs because he can't get them. He has no money as what he earns goes into a savings acct and he can't get to it because of this very problem.

 

But I believe his goal is to use drugs because he said so in his journal. The alcohol isn't available what so ever, so he can't partake of that.

 

He is close to his father. They go to the gym early every morning he is in town. One the weekends we all hang out and go do things together as well as work around the house. He is close to his older sister and they often go do things together. I spend time with him alone too. We have a couple of TV shows we watch that nobody else appreciates, and he looks forward to us hanging out alone and talking. But I don't get out alone with him as my husband does. I think I will give up my knitting night and grab a bite to eat with him or maybe catch a movie, or whatever he wants. Despite all this I still do not think he feels loved and valued. Not sure why. We have had so many heart to heart talks that it amazes me he is acting this way. I guess I am coming to the conclusion that this is a deeper psychological issue.

 

My husband not traveling isn't an option. It's a job requirement. In this economy, I am grateful he is able to provide for us at all . We have insurance and our son will get help because of my husbands work.

 

Christian counseling isn't going to help this boy. Someone suggested he get guitar lessons from a trusted, respectable man.....well he was. He was taking lessons from our pastor. In return for lessons, he would mow his lawn. But, that was cut off due to the obsession with the guitar and Nikki Sixx and not EVER finishing his schoolwork. Add to that he is mean to his siblings and threatening to me. He has been given ample time to correct his shortcomings and regain some independence.

 

No, I do not think he is suicidal. If I did, I wouldn't be asking for help here. He would have gotten help. But this causes me to wonder if he will be. So, this lights a huge fire under me to get in asap with a psychologist.

 

I don't know if we can change his direction, but I will die trying. This was the first child I pulled out of ps after two months in Kinder because he was sinking, emotionally. I am not willing to just sit by and watch him go down in flames.

 

I have to say, sadly, that he is not the only hs young man I know who is having major issues. I am seeing problem behavior all over. I think certain boys get to a point where being home with mommy is not a good thing. They get bored and they are questioning life and beliefs and mommy isn't going to cut it anymore. He is one of those. I could name quite a few, all moms I have spoken to at length to. Most have already 'lost' their young men to the world. They are devastated and I don't want to be there in a few years.

 

So, I will find him some medical help. I don't expect it to be easy.

 

Thanks much,

Michelle

 

 

I have been on this journey and I have about lost hope for my son, who is now 17 and sayed behind with my abusive dh when I left him. I don't even know why he chose to, as he and his dad never got along and he was even abused by my dh. :(

 

 

I regret taht my son stopped his music lessons. Piano was his major outlet. he had a wonderful teacher who was like a therapist for him. He'd actually open up to her. Consequences like taking away his music lessons only made him harder of heart and with a lot more time on his hands to get into trouble. It was my dh's idea--take away even the good things to make him "wake up." It all backfired.

 

you can't change someone with "behavioral" consequences or talks about sin and rebellion if they have an underlying mood disorder. my ds grew up in church and used to love it, wanted to be there for everything they offered. Dh wanted to take away kids' ministry, etc. as punishment for various offenses. Backfired in a big way! Ds eventually gave up on church and church friends. But then, for periods of time, he'd reminisce and want to go back, be friends with the "good kids" etc. Sometimes he will hate and denounce God and other times he is all into being a Christian again. Anotehr symptom of underlying mental illness.

 

peope have suggested that my son's issues came from doing drugs, even just smoling pot. But I know the truth--his issues came first, then the weed. he told me himself that he was miserable and knew there was "something wrong" with him, but taht he didn't know what and he didn't want counseling, ADHD meds, or anything else. he did better on mood stabilizers, but no longer takes them. We see the mood swings even more sharply now when we do see him. I feel I have lost my son. Please get help for yours before it's too late.

[elizam]

I completely agree! My husband went undiagnosed for years. He self medicated and had much of the behavior you describe your son having. It does not go away and my dh has stuggled with it all of his adult life as well. His mother still has a difficult time accepting that it is more than depression(which she readily accepts as she suffers from this herself)as he has been diagnosed as bipolar. This could have been dealt with so many years ago and it is so sad to me. Please take him to a psychiatrist (or two or three til you get the results that you are comfortable with). I completely understand not wanting to medicate and always hesitate to even give Advil, but in this case, if it can help your child to have a normal life, the outcome may be worth it. It has been a roller-coaster ride around here for years(I have been with husband since I was 17 and he was 23~he had already been dealing with this stuff since he was 15, and depressed from an even earlier age, poor man). It takes a lot of love and understanding, and seeking help will also help YOU to know how to deal with him. Sending many hugs!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Same thing with my dh, except he does not believe that he has a mental illness andwon't get help for it. He tried meds and they worked. Then he went off them. he's been declining for several years and abusing us, which got to the intolerable point last fall. I finally left him in Feb. I won't go back. Untreated mmental illness is very hard to stomach. It's a crying shame more teens don't get the help they need, because that's when MI manifests itself.

[elizam]

:iagree: Have you had him checked out by his pediatrician to rule out depression, ADHD, bipolar or other biochemical issues? I second some type of program like Teen Challenge or Scared Straight -- some ex-user counseling him on the truth behind drugs and alcohol. He sounds very determined and strong-willed? That is a tough call. Hang in there. :grouphug:

 

 

 

if he does have an issue like ADHD or bipolar, especially a mood disorder, those programs are usually mroe detrimental than helpful. i realized a better option was to rersearch residential treatment facilities.

 

There is some good information on this website: http://www.bpkids.org.

[elizam]

Please restart the guitar lessons, and please apologize to him for stopping them. Please have a soul-searching talk with your dh about ways you may, inadvertently, be making this boy feel disrespected. Then, go together with your dh to your son and give him a heartfelt apology. Ask him what you and dh could do to make him feel loved. Be humble.

 

As emeraldjoy said (one of the best messages I've read on these forums), it's all about building the relationship. Giving your son the knitting night sounds excellent. Just make sure you do something that night that he wants, that he likes, that it is all about him. Sacrificing now could save you years of heartache later.

 

Please consider keeping up, or even increasing the days your son spends with the carpenter, if he likes it. Please don't send him to school. A good friend's son sounds so much like your boy, and it was at school that he got in with someone who started getting him drugs. He wouldn't have had access at home. You will once again likely save yourself some more trouble by keeping him home with you, especially if dh steps up his involvement, and most importantly, if you and dh seek a new, sincere approach to your relationship with him.

 

I cannot echo emeraldjoy enough: it's all about the relationship you choose to build with him.

 

 

AMEN and AMEN again.......

 

 

and I wish I had never sent my kid to school, where he had more access to bad kids, troubled kids, drugs, etc. Plus he has problems i the classroom due to inattention, outbursts, etc. so he felt stupid and the teachers who didn't know how to handle him acted very ugly toward him. Very few teachers seem to actualyl care about troubled kids these days and just wish they'd drop out. My son is smart and loves to read, loves music, etc. He needs those good things in his life.

[elizam]

He may just need medication.:iagree:

 

yes, we had a very good counselor who told me that with ppl like my dh and ds, it's like "pissing in the wind" to try to counsel them without meds. You can do all the counseling in the world and get nowhere if the person needs meds. my dh and ds need them. Trust me, they do. They CAN be wonderful ppl, but so irrational and awful when they are unstable.

[elizam]

My first thought was bipolar or other bio-chemical issues.

 

I woudl try to get in to a adolescent psychiatrist ASAP--even going in through the emergency services program, etc.

 

What you write sounds so much like my friend's son who is 17. I have thought bipolar since I met him 10 years ago but the doctor they saw didn't agree.

 

Things kept getting worse and worse and the physical violence did start. Right after Christmas he stepped in front of a semi and barely survived. He may never walk again and might have a long term brain injury. He though did get on the correct meds for bipolar and his mom reports that he is the best he has been since he was a very young child.

 

I urge you to get professional help NOW. Ask about bipolar, a mood disorder, etc. Do some research, etc.

 

 

Sadly, amny drs don't understand or believe taht teens and even children can have bipolar. This is going to be more of a problem with the new DSM recommendation that kids be dxed with something else called "Temper disregulation syndrome" instead of bipolar.

 

my ds did better on meds but refuses now to believe he needs them. I have had several bad scares with him. he tried to run away for no apparent reason up I85 on a bike. Not very rational thinking! He was found beaten and drunk on the roadside another time, and told the psychiatrist who evaluated him taht his main proble in life is "my mom" and that he was beaten into a gang. It made no sense. he was in that mood state for weeks. Eventually I saw him and he gave me the most sweet hug. i have not had many hugs from him since he was little. he has been violent with me and his siblings. My dh will beat him up if they both are having mood problems.

[TX Bluebonnet]

So, according to Wiki, Sixx currently works with troubled youth. If I were you I would be writing letters to him. Might be a long shot, might not.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nikki_Sixx

 

With the formation of Sixx:A.M. and the release of The Heroin Diaries, Nikki Sixx teamed up with an already existing charity known as the Covenant House and created his own branch called Running Wild in the Night [17]. In addition to partially funding the services the Covenant House provides on its own, Sixx’s division also provides a creative arts and music program, allowing the beneficiaries of this program to discover an answer to their problems that is better than drugs.[18] Because Sixx has been dealt an upper hand along with his success, he has been able to negotiate with people in his industry to provide the program with musical instruments and software [19]. Sixx has arguably prevented thousands of potential drug users and rehabilitated teenage addicts from continuing to dabble in the world of drugs, as the Covenant House helped almost 78,000 youth at risk last year.[20]

Sixx didn’t just establish the program. A portion of the profits from Sixx:A.M.’s album The Heroin Diaries Soundtrack is donated to help the Covenant House. Sixx also continues to auction off personal items to fund Running Wild in the Night. As of April 2009, he had raised over $100,000.[21] In addition to monetary contributions, Sixx has made personal and emotional ones. George Lozano, the director of Covenant House California, said that Sixx is "passionate about the cause; he can relate to the youth in our program and they can relate to him. He’s a great role model for these kids

[Lovedtodeath]

remember, there is nothing wrong with medication of that's what's needed. I know lots of people think medication is bad but I so don't agree with that. Heck, if the barn needs painting...then PAINT it.

I am this kid. I have been. The school counselor and my older sister (bipolar) had me convinced that it was my mom's fault. My parents took me out of school I got a part time job at a fabric store with older ladies and went into the ministry. 100% improvement. Removal of the bad influence and insertion of good.

 

and medication, I could not handle my mental health without medication (though mine is natural). That is what it is for. Please do not deny it to me, or anyone else. I beg you.