Weddings for children of divorced parents?

[Night Elf]

I'm not anywhere near this dilemma yet, but with my oldest dd's 18th birthday next month, the topic has popped into my mind. I've been looking forward to my dd's 18th birthday. I've been thrilled at the idea that I will no longer need to speak with her dad and stepmom about her daily life or choices or whatever. I pretty much stopped talking to them last summer when we had a fight and they called me names that absolutely floored me. They had been nasty before, but they were really going all out. Well, suffice it to say that what little courtesy I had for them at that point melted away.

 

So dd17 is getting ready for prom tomorrow night. Her boyfriend's mom has been amazing in helping the teens with all the details. It actually reminds me of someone preparing for a wedding! I didn't go to prom so I had no idea there was so much involved. Anyway, I realized that this is exactly how my dd17's stepmom is with everything. She is a control freak. If the people around her don't go with her ideas, she first pouts and plays the 'oh poor me' card. When that doesn't work, she tries guilt. If that doesn't work, she gets angry. I absolutely cringe at the idea that she will make a scene if she can't plan my dd's wedding. She did *everything* for her oldest dd's wedding, to the point that the girl even confided in my daughter that her mom was making decisions she didn't agree with but couldn't say or do anything about it. :001_huh:

 

So... were you a child of divorced parents who had to endure this type of situation when you were married? Do you have a child who is married and had to deal with an ex along with spouse in this type of situation? What might be in store for me? I can't help but wonder how people handle this if the mom and stepmom don't get along.

 

Yes, I worry about things that may never happen. It's my nature. ;)

[Remudamom]

I'd say your dd is going to have to step up and stand her ground if she wants to plan her own wedding, or have you help. And I wouldn't be surprised if money was withheld!

[OrganicAnn]

My parents were not divorced, but my DH's parent were divorced. I've seen everything from the kids going off and getting married with no friends and family to everyone behaving and cooperating.

 

I'd say that kids of divorce try not to plan on money for the wedding, because money can mean demanding some control. I'd say that if a child is older, he/she will be more likely to feel confident making their own decisions and not allowing someone else to take over your wedding.

Edited May 1, 2010 by OrganicAnn

[springmama]

I wouldn't be too worried about her wanting to plan your dd's wedding. Obviously she thinks the mother of the bride ought to do the planning, as demonstrated by her involvement in her own daughter's wedding. I would hope that she would expect you to be the one involved in your daughter's wedding.

 

In any case, it's probably not even worth worrying about at this point unless your daughter is in a serious relationship and considering marriage. Maybe you have 10 years or more until she gets married and even then who knows if the stepmother will still be around?

[Danestress]

Did she resent the boyfriend's mother's involvement or appreciate it? If she's laid back and doesn't really need to control the details, and if she has an okay relationship with her step-mom, maybe she will actually like having someone who is really detail oriented and "into" wedding planning help.

 

If she doesn't like that, she will have to figure out a way to set boundaries.

[bluemongoose]

My parents are divorced...I didnt invite my bio-dad. As for the mom in control thing...my mom can sometimes be very opinionated (I am too though) and it can feel controlling at times. I handled it by expecting nothing as far as money goes and that way I felt free to tell her it was my wedding and this was how it was going to be. With controlling people it is much easier if they dont have any strings to pull with you, then you can just stand up and say no.

[justlittleoldme]

My parents are divorced, and Hubby's parents were never married. That being said-

 

When I got married since my mom paid for everything, she and I made most the choices. My dad or his g/f never gave any input, or were really asked for any input. For my brother's wedding, my mom and his wife's mom did all the planning. My dad's g/f (same g/f as before), has always been around to help and has always been very supportive. I guess we just got lucky she isn't overbearing or opinionated.

 

I have to say though, the wedding is just the tip of the iceberg! Holidays, birthdays, grandchildren's births, etc are all major stresses. If you invite one parent, the other is angry. If you invite neither, they are angry. If you invite both, one or the other gets upset that you invited both. It sucks horribly when you are stuck, again, in the middle as an adult, with no custody plan to fall back on. Hubby and I now invite everyone, and whoever shows, great. If they don't, that's their problem.

 

As a step-mom to a step-daughter, I know someday when/if she gets married, I plan on stepping back and letting her mom do the motherly type things that are expected, but being available for anything that she may need or want help with. I'd only hope that all the older-adults would respect the adult-child's feelings.

[Night Elf]

Aww... speaking of money, she's been saving for a car and we're going to help as much as we can. Her dad told me last night that he didn't feel it was fair to put money into her car when she doesn't call and visit him as much as he believes she should. When I asked him to repeat it, he said he didn't mean it that way. I know he's feeling upset right now. Her birthday is around the corner and it's a little overwhelming for us. It's almost like she's going from little girl to adult overnight.

 

As for the stepmom, there are so many issues surrounding her. I'll wrap it up in one word - toxic. And it's not the whole stepmom thing at all. She's just not a nice person. If I knew her in passing, I'd still avoid her. I'm rather sad for my ex-husband. Anyway, off of that.

 

Dd17 doesn't mind her boyfriend's mom taking care of everything for prom. She loves his mom. She's a really nice person. Very cool family indeed.

[Renee in NC]

I am so glad that my child in this situation is a BOY! I assume that we will do what my my brother did for his wedding:

 

My Dad paid for the groom's expenses.

 

His mother paid for the honeymoon.

 

Both our stepmother and his mother were "mothers of the groom."

 

I never talk to his Dad - well, I did once before he came here at Easter, but that was the first time since we moved. Before we moved, I talked to him once to tell him we were moving. I try to do everything my email as there have been issues in the past where he has said, "You never told me that!" With email there is a record.

[Peela]

I would say...let go of your expectations of what you want out of the wedding, and focus solely on what your dd wants (if/when it hapens). Then work with her to make sure she gets that. Its about her, not the parents (or step parents).

If she feels you are hurt if she lets the step mum get involved, she will be busy trying to placate everyone, which is impossible, instead of focusing on herself.

I think that if the stepmum can't be the mature one..someone has to be. Its hard to be he only one doing the right thing, and letting go of personal desires for the greater good, but the alternative is worse.

[Pippen]

My parents divorced when I was 10, and my dad and I did not have a good relationship. My dad was at my wedding, but I have a very close relationship with my brother and had him walk me down the aisle. Yes, it was awkward, but I had to do what was right for me.

 

What I wish I would have done differently was postpone the wedding long enough to pay for it all on my own. My mother helped us out and it was a big stretch for her.

[Lara in Colo]

The best way to handle this situation is the same as any situation in her life. Teach her to be a strong, independent person who knows her own mind and is able to face the consequences of her actions. It is HER life and her choices are best for her. That being said, she has to face that fact all our lives are tied togther with others and we must try to be polite and accomodating where we can. She must also face the emotional and financial backlash those choices make. Adulthood bites.

 

Lara

[Melissa in FL]

I'm a child of divorce and my parents don't get along well. My husband and I split up what we wanted each parent to be in charge of. My mom did the decorating of the hall and the flowers, my dad took care of the food, the drinks and the cake. They paid for what they were in charge of. We also paid a chunk of it and were in charge of those areas (DJ, dress, photos). There were akward times, but it all worked out. My parents never talked to each other through the whole thing and it did stress me out a bit.

Melissa