Immature teen girls...

[LizzyBee]

Anyone have a teen dd who is uncomfortable with growing up and body issues? I don't know if I need advice or just commiseration.

 

My 13 (almost 14) yo is just not comfortable in her own skin. She has always been immature and dreaded growing up. Eg. when she turned 10, she kept saying she didn't want to be double digits. Well, puberty hits whether you want it to or not. She will look me straight in the eyes and tell me she brushed her teeth and put on deodorant when she did neither. She hates showering, fixing her hair, washing her face, etc. She won't shave her armpits, but I did find out this week that she started shaving her legs a few months ago (yea, progress!). It is partially related to sensory issues, and she is having OT in large part to help her gain more confidence wrt body issues.

 

I have tried to prepare her for starting her period, and since I work outside the home, I've told her to call me at work or let her older sister know if she starts when I'm not here. This morning, while starting a load of clothes, I discovered that she started a few days ago. She told no-one, didn't rinse her clothes out, and she has been using nothing but toilet paper, so of course her clothes had blood on them. Ugh, I just realized her sheets probably need washed, too. I gave her a pad as she was getting ready to walk out the door for a hair appt this morning. After she left, I saw the wrapper in the trash, but not the strips. I called her on dh's cell phone and explained that if she doesn't attach it to her underwear, it will slip and she could have an embarrassing accident while she's out. I told her to go in the hairstylist's bathroom and take care of it, but who knows whether she did.

 

If you've had a teen like this, please tell me that she will eventually mature and these issues will resolve. The deodorant thing is particularly troublesome, because she has awful b.o. when she doesn't use it. I've tried to explain that I'm not trying to be mean about it, but she's not going to have any friends if she smells bad.

 

:confused::confused::confused:

[Remudamom]

I've got one that was like this, now almost 16. She's still a bit of a problem. She's a bit OCD. She's gone from hating to brush her teeth to taking an inordinate amount of time brushing them. She hates the feel of paper on her skin, hates napkins.

 

She doesn't want to wash her hair because she has very dry skin and psoriasis on her scalp. She thinks washing makes it worse. She's afraid because I have psoriatic arthritis and she's seen how debilitating it is.

 

No period problems, and she washes her clothes and sheets way too much. I try to help, but it's a battle. I'm afraid she'll have problems when she moves out, trying to do things her way.

[Haiku]

My dd was like that. As far as the body odor issue, nothing worked until I made her ride around in the car on a cold day with the window down. I didn't do it to be mean or make a point, but I picked her up from school and had errands to run, and she had just been in gym class, and she smelled so horrible I couldn't stand to be in a closed-up car with her. After that she started wearing deodorant. I figure that once she realized I was willing to ride around in a freezing car to escape her stink that she actually had a problem.

 

She also wouldn't wear a bra, so I let her go to school bra-less a few days. The kids at school took care of that one. They called her Pokey.

 

As far as the period thing, I think it might require a more focused discussion. Handing her a pad on her way out the door the first time she has gotten her period, after you've realized she's been dealing with it by stuffing tp in her underwear, seems a bit casual to me. I would definitely follow up on that one.

 

For my dd, it was peer pressure that eventually did the trick (her problem was that she wouldn't change her pad frequently enough, so she both leaked and smelled). My dd was adopted, and she has a terrible self-image, so even though we have been to tons of post-adoption counseling, I think it was the teasing by her peers that really opened her eyes. I hate to say that, but really, nothing I said made any difference. She stained our couch several times because she wouldn't deal with the pad issue.

 

Tara

Edited April 28, 2010 by TaraTheLiberator

[i.love.lucy]

Yes! I have one of these and she's only 9.5!!! She hates to take showers, brush her hair, wear the right shoes, wear a bra, etc. I am dreading the period talks (haven't had those yet - will do this summer when she turns 10). I've labeled her in my mind as "highly sensitive" but I think that means mild sensory issues. I don't see it translate into food issues, but definitely anything that touches her body. She really doesn't like to be touched much - snuggled or cuddled - as she's gotten older. Her shoes have to be tied exactly right, no tags on her clothes, etc. But this is now manifesting itself in these other physical ways that are not really socially acceptible - like not wanting to wear deodorant, or a bra (not a big issue now but will be soon I can tell), I KNOW she won't shave when the time comes, hates to wash and brush her hair.

 

I feel ya. I'm guessing like Tara said, the best antidote is the peer pressure. My dd is also quite shy and would D.I.E. if someone made fun of her or called her "Pokey". But I am guessing it would solve the problem quickly!!

[LizzyBee]

...As far as the period thing, I think it might require a more focused discussion. Handing her a pad on her way out the door the first time she has gotten her period, after you've realized she's been dealing with it by stuffing tp in her underwear, seems a bit casual to me. I would definitely follow up on that one.

 

For my dd, it was peer pressure that eventually did the trick (her problem was that she wouldn't change her pad frequently enough, so she both leaked and smelled). My dd was adopted, and she has a terrible self-image, so even though we have been to tons of post-adoption counseling, I think it was the teasing by her peers that really opened her eyes. I hate to say that, but really, nothing I said made any difference. She stained our couch several times because she wouldn't deal with the pad issue.

 

Tara

 

I agree about needing more discussion. She had a 10:30 appt and I didn't make the discovery until about 10:05. I felt bad about having to rush her out the door under those circumstances. FWIW, she got her hair cut for Locks of Love and came home smiling and happy.

 

My dd is planning to go to a public charter high school beginning in July. I am concerned that peer pressure will teach her a thing or two, but I just hate for her to have to be humiliated in order to understand why hygiene is important.

[LizzyBee]

I've got one that was like this, now almost 16. She's still a bit of a problem. She's a bit OCD. She's gone from hating to brush her teeth to taking an inordinate amount of time brushing them. She hates the feel of paper on her skin, hates napkins.

 

She doesn't want to wash her hair because she has very dry skin and psoriasis on her scalp. She thinks washing makes it worse. She's afraid because I have psoriatic arthritis and she's seen how debilitating it is.

 

No period problems, and she washes her clothes and sheets way too much. I try to help, but it's a battle. I'm afraid she'll have problems when she moves out, trying to do things her way.

 

I worry a lot about how this dd will fare as an adult. If any of my kids end up living at home until she's 30, she will be the one. :tongue_smilie:

[LizzyBee]

Yes! I have one of these and she's only 9.5!!! She hates to take showers, brush her hair, wear the right shoes, wear a bra, etc. I am dreading the period talks (haven't had those yet - will do this summer when she turns 10). I've labeled her in my mind as "highly sensitive" but I think that means mild sensory issues. I don't see it translate into food issues, but definitely anything that touches her body. She really doesn't like to be touched much - snuggled or cuddled - as she's gotten older. Her shoes have to be tied exactly right, no tags on her clothes, etc. But this is now manifesting itself in these other physical ways that are not really socially acceptible - like not wanting to wear deodorant, or a bra (not a big issue now but will be soon I can tell), I KNOW she won't shave when the time comes, hates to wash and brush her hair.

 

I feel ya. I'm guessing like Tara said, the best antidote is the peer pressure. My dd is also quite shy and would D.I.E. if someone made fun of her or called her "Pokey". But I am guessing it would solve the problem quickly!!

 

My dd wears the same pair of shoes all the time and hates having to get new ones, will only wear a certain kind of socks, etc. I'm concerned that if she gets made fun of in school, it will be downright traumatizing for her, but all I can do is tell her what she needs to do. I can't always make sure she does it.

[LibraryLover]

I am not sure it's immaturity as much as it might be denial. ;) She might also be embarassed; some children are more private by nature than others. While I might not dwell on the deodorant part right now...I would encourage showering on a regular basis. As in "Please take a shower today before we leave". I don't know any older teen women who are not interested in feeling and looking clean. So keep that reality in mind. :)

 

I'd have a quick, non -threatening chat. Don't let it be a lecture. "Growing up can be scary, and it's hard to think about all the things that go along with that. I wasn't too thrilled when I got my period for the first time because it was one more thing to worry about when I was busy." (Or share whatever your truth was). "It gets easier, it really does". etc.

Edited April 28, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Haiku]

I just hate for her to have to be humiliated in order to understand why hygiene is important.

 

I hated it to, but I must admit that it took care of the problem far more quickly and decisively than all of the talking, books, pink-and-girly feminine products, etc., that I could come up with. I tried very hard not to shame her or make her embarrassed, and it didn't do a thing. A little embarrassment by her peers did the trick.

 

Tara

[Rosie_0801]

You could suggest cloth pads, just for the sake of offering a choice?

 

Rosie

[Chris in VA]

You could suggest cloth pads, just for the sake of offering a choice?

 

Rosie

 

:iagree: For girls with sensory issues, cloth pads are a blessing. They truly are soft and comfortable (as comfy as pads can be), and they are not hard to take care of. Have a storage place (special bin/hamper) so you can wash them every few days (ykwim--sounds like I'm saying they are for multiple use, but I'm not! lol) and give her a small bag to keep in her purse or backpack--the little drawstring go bags that people use for cloth diapers work well, or go on one of the cloth pad sites and see what they offer, since she'll need to put a used one in something if she's out.

[LizzyBee]

:iagree: For girls with sensory issues, cloth pads are a blessing. They truly are soft and comfortable (as comfy as pads can be), and they are not hard to take care of. Have a storage place (special bin/hamper) so you can wash them every few days (ykwim--sounds like I'm saying they are for multiple use, but I'm not! lol) and give her a small bag to keep in her purse or backpack--the little drawstring go bags that people use for cloth diapers work well, or go on one of the cloth pad sites and see what they offer, since she'll need to put a used one in something if she's out.

 

I never thought about pads being extra-uncomfortable for a girl with sensory issues. I will look into the cloth ones and ask her if she wants to try them next time.

[LizzyBee]

Thank you to everyone who responded. It is nice to come here and discuss this with people who don't know my kids. DD and I had some time to talk yesterday afternoon.

[Karen in CO]

I got The Care and Keeping of You for my dd. It covers the changing body and provided a lot of information to my dd that she was curious about but hadn't figured out how to ask about yet. My dd isn't looking forward to growing up and is activly resisting it, but at least she is more open to discussing some of the points and feels more empowered by the information she has.

[LibraryLover]

I never thought about pads being extra-uncomfortable for a girl with sensory issues. I will look into the cloth ones and ask her if she wants to try them next time.

 

 

It depends. Cloth feels somewhat wetter, and can feel more bulky, where commercial pads are more wicking and less bulky. It might be nice to have a choice, however. Maybe cloth at home where she can change them often, the others when she is out. For a sensory kid I know, tampons changed everything for the better. Whole Foods sells less toxic versions of both tampons and pads.

[LizzyBee]

I got The Care and Keeping of You for my dd. It covers the changing body and provided a lot of information to my dd that she was curious about but hadn't figured out how to ask about yet. My dd isn't looking forward to growing up and is activly resisting it, but at least she is more open to discussing some of the points and feels more empowered by the information she has.

 

She's read that book, but maybe I'll get it from the library again. It might be helpful to read it again now that she's actually started her period.

[Teachin'Mine]

Is there a summer camp should could attend? Maybe being with lots of other girls she'll pick up some good info and avoid having to be embarrassed in school next year. It may also lead to embarrassing situations for her, but at least she won't be with the same kids all year. Would it work to say "You can't do ... until you do ..." ?

[Sputterduck]

WOW

 

You just described me! I did wear deodorant, though. I would have died if I smelled. I couldn't do anything until I'd showered for the day, so that wasn't a problem.

 

I cried when I turned 10 about being double digits! I cried when my mom got me an electric shaver for Christmas, and I opened it in front of everybody and was so embarrassed. I didn't shave my legs until I got comments about it at school. I was so embarrassed.

 

Be gentle with that child! My mother did not understand, and that made things really hard. I wish she had pushed some things in a gentle but firm way so I didn't get embarrassed in public. And other things I wish she'd have let slide.

 

You daughter needs to not bleed on things and she needs to not smell. She needs to take care of herself wrt cleaning herself. But with all that please be understanding and gentle. Other than the necessities, let her take her time growing up.

 

Btw, I turned out okay. I promise. Some things are still awkward for me. I feel pressure to wear makeup, but it bothers me so much I never will. I can't stand the feel of stuff on my face. I do shave. I still hate aging. I eventually came to terms with puberty.

[Tutor]

Anyone have a teen dd who is uncomfortable with growing up and body issues? I don't know if I need advice or just commiseration.

 

My 13 (almost 14) yo is just not comfortable in her own skin. She has always been immature and dreaded growing up. Eg. when she turned 10, she kept saying she didn't want to be double digits. Well, puberty hits whether you want it to or not. She will look me straight in the eyes and tell me she brushed her teeth and put on deodorant when she did neither. She hates showering, fixing her hair, washing her face, etc. She won't shave her armpits, but I did find out this week that she started shaving her legs a few months ago (yea, progress!). It is partially related to sensory issues, and she is having OT in large part to help her gain more confidence wrt body issues.

 

I have tried to prepare her for starting her period, and since I work outside the home, I've told her to call me at work or let her older sister know if she starts when I'm not here. This morning, while starting a load of clothes, I discovered that she started a few days ago. She told no-one, didn't rinse her clothes out, and she has been using nothing but toilet paper, so of course her clothes had blood on them. Ugh, I just realized her sheets probably need washed, too. I gave her a pad as she was getting ready to walk out the door for a hair appt this morning. After she left, I saw the wrapper in the trash, but not the strips. I called her on dh's cell phone and explained that if she doesn't attach it to her underwear, it will slip and she could have an embarrassing accident while she's out. I told her to go in the hairstylist's bathroom and take care of it, but who knows whether she did.

 

If you've had a teen like this, please tell me that she will eventually mature and these issues will resolve. The deodorant thing is particularly troublesome, because she has awful b.o. when she doesn't use it. I've tried to explain that I'm not trying to be mean about it, but she's not going to have any friends if she smells bad.

 

:confused::confused::confused:

 

Sounds a lot like my dd13. I'll be reading the responses to this as well. :grouphug: Glad to know it's not just my dd. Maybe we should start a support group. :001_smile: