Why I'm eating chocolate though dieting or My life as a sitcom!

[FaithManor]

Theme song (smooth jazz - lots of brass and an awesome sax player).

 

Enter happy mother in her nightgown singing softly to self, sipping the second mug of morning coffee, and gently waking three boys from their slumber.

 

First two boys keep pulling covers over heads and have to be forcibly removed from room after warning calls. "Do we have to? I'm tired! Why can't I play first! Why can't you make pancakes instead of breakfast muffins? Why, why, why, why........" Mother responds firmly but politely while the audience surmises that her serene expression masks clenched teeth.

 

13 year old, buried under a mound of blankets lumped in a shape similar to the Matterhorn, keeps groaning and attempting to fake illness. No fever, no vomitting, actually no sign of illness as he tries very hard not smile while feigning misery - think Ferris Bueller in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off". (Producer holds up the "Laugh" sign.) Unlike gullible parents in movie, boot child out of bed and into kitchen for breakfast.

 

Much mumbling later including many comedic moments including a loose

4-h duck in the house and duck poop with duck poop jokes from the three male children, mother has lost her sense of humor and its only 8:45 a.m.

 

Father (played by - Hugh Laurie), Hollywood wimp style (don't take this the wrong way, I dearly love my dh), announces that it might be better if ran into the office today instead of work from home (he works from home 95% of the time). Exit father of brood while mother (played by Cate Blanchett - don't I wish!) glares on.

 

Many assignments and much whining later, weary mother lets the whiners out to play. Puts bacon on the stove and hear's "ring, ring". Oh, wouldn't you know it, its the chatty lady from church who is also the biggest gossip and MEGA EASILY OFFENDED". Immediate problem, trying to extricate from the conversation without the woman making a big deal about it on Sunday morning. Keep saying "Bacon is frying, gotta go" to no avail and finally say "I REALLY MUST RUN!" Hang up phone and head to dining room only to hear this "P...A.... Get out of the house there's a fire in the kitchen....Mom! Mom!!!!"

 

Run to the kitchen to see three foot tall flames shooting out of skillet into range hood. Send DS 13 out of house with his brothers and have a dickens of a time putting out fire. House filled with smoke, lungs burning, manage to call DH and ask how to get the smoke alarms to stop blaring in ears. Dh, now realizing that just possibly today would have been a really good day to work from home, wisely races the six miles from office to reset the smoke alarms, open all the windows, place fans in the windows to exhaust smoke, and check over the range to make sure fire has not spread (he actually did that part first). After expressing many concerns about the amount of coughing and hacking the mother was exhibiting, finally decides she'll live and then gives her that "What were you thinking?" look.

 

Hollywood mom, now being represented by reality TV woman (possibly Kathy Bates style) so the hair and makeup is no longer done and the clothes look and smell like they were the entre at a weenie roast, replies, "I learned a very important lesson today. Don't answer the phone when cooking bacon.....Aren't you glad everything is okay?" Doesn't know if she should try to look Kathy Bates stern, as in, don't take me on today buddy, Julia Roberts flirtacious, or legally blond ditzy.

 

Take boys to grandma's house. Two younger boys play rummy. DS 13 must work on standardized test prep because he's taking the Iowa Basics next week. He hasn't been doing well on the test prep books - spends more time thinking, "This is stupid" than actually doing the work. Will probably get scores something like "most rocks in America are smarter than your son" and will not be able to convince the private school that does the testing that DS is really a very good student we just waited too long in his homeschool career to expose him to this kind of testing. "Sure Lady!" Sigh......"Ds, why are you staring at the same problem for five minutes? This is a timed test, ya know?" Reply: "The question was worded stupidly. There was also a spelling error. Why should I have to do this when they can't get it right? Hmmmmm.....Good philisophical question but my reply, "Well, because someday you'll be a prospective college student and colleges think of freshmen as "circus animals". Whichever monkey has the best jumping - through - hoops act, wins."

 

Several, "I hate math comments" and obvious that 13 year old is trying not to cry in order to save face, give up on test prep....leave 13 year old with grandma, who is snickering in the corner and apparently either immensely entertained by some completely unrelated item in the "Reader's Digest", or is openly amused that the "mother's curse" works!

 

Go home, spend two hours cleaning in kitchen....still faint smell of smoke but otherwise not bad. Tried to light a smell-well candle and couldn't find matches....just possibly could DH, having determined that I am not in my right mind today, confiscated household flammables? Afraid to ask!

 

Question of the day? Where on earth did we put the kitchen fire extinguisher because it for certain was not in the kitchen when I needed it. Answer: It's in the 4-H supply box from when DH, the mad scientist, was teaching kids to make rocket fuel and light it off in the church parking lot!

 

Chocolate never, ever, tasted so good.

 

Faith

[SquirrellyMama]

I think something stronger than chocolate is in order.

 

:grouphug:

[Blueridge]

:smilielol5:

[Starr]

And that is why so many people say they could never home school. :lol:

[mrbmom77]

:lol::lol::lol:

 

I needed that! Hilarious!

[cillakat]

OMG. So glad you're okay. My friend's house sitter was cooking bacon and the same thing happened - except when she turned around to see the flames, they'd already engulfed the whole wall.

 

You're a great writer. What fun it was to read! Living it, I'm sure, was another story entirely. Glad you were able to keep - or at least regain - your sense of humor.

 

Best,

Katherine

[Jean in Newcastle]

:lol: Want some more chocolate?

[Harriet Vane]

:lol:

[Remudamom]

Love it. You know how to hang up on someone with offending them? Be very happy to talk to them and hang up when YOU are talking. She'll think you were accidentally cut off.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I hope it's Godiva chocolate and is accompanied by a wine cooler.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Love it. You know how to hang up on someone with offending them? Be very happy to talk to them and hang up when YOU are talking. She'll think you were accidentally cut off.

:lol: I will need to remember this.

[KrissiK]

OK, now I think I need some chocolate.:001_smile: