RUDE Grandfather

[TXMary2]

I am so furious right now! From day one my grandfather has been against homeschooling and never has anything nice to say about it or my abilities to do so. His personality is he knows EVERYTHING and no one is going to tell him otherwise.

 

My mom and my grandmother were out with my ds6 and my mom was having him recite all the things we have been working on this year like "Tell Grammy your phone number, address, days, months, count to 100" etc. My grammy went home and was bragging to my grandfather about how smart ds is and he told her, "That child is not smart, he is autistic." My grandmother was so upset so she called my mother. My mother and her father have a horrid relationship and this just put her over the edge. She called me and told me and now I am pi***d.

 

My son is not autistic. He has a speech problem with a few sounds and is currently attending speech therapy through the public school system which is a service we can get "free" since we are taxpayers in the district. Before starting therapy he had 3 evaluations by different people for different things and I am pretty sure if he showed ANY signs of autism they would have said so!

 

Out of respect for him being my elder I am not going to tell off my grandfather, but as of right now I have no desire to ever go to their house again and see the man! I definitely won't bring any of the kids since he always acts like they are gum on his shoe anyway.

:glare::angry:

 

This is most upsetting to me because when I was growing up my grandfather was my favorite person on the planet! He treated me like a princess and I could do no wrong. Until I became an adult. Sigh. Whatever.

[Starr]

It's unfortunate that your grandmother didn't tell someone else she could trust. You didn't have to know this. Try to let it go. He probably doesn't even know the meaning of the terminology he uses. You know your son is doing well! I'm praying for peace for you.

[LauraGB]

I'm sorry he said something so dim about your son. :grouphug:

 

I'd be pretty irate, too, until I had a moment to breath really look at the sad sort of individual who says stuff like this. Without knowing your grandfather, I would think one of two things: A) he's getting old and things are getting confusing and difficult, which makes him negative and crabby or B) he's just a cranky old fart and it's a shame he's spoiling his relationship with not only his own daughter (your mother, with whom you said he had a terrible relationship), his grand daughter and now his grandson. Either way, instead of wasting your energy on being angry (okay, a little bit is okay ;)), spend it on feeling sorry for your grandfather and the beautiful things he must be missing out on everywhere.

 

:grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

This is most upsetting to me because when I was growing up my grandfather was my favorite person on the planet!

 

Write him a letter and include that bit. If he responds well, good. If he doesn't, try to forget your relationship ever developed past the good bit.

 

Rosie

[secular_mom]

I am sorry that he doesn't seem to understand autism, and tried to use the label as an insult to your son.

I am sorry that he said your son is not smart. I am sorry that you are offended by knowing someone said your son is autistic, even if he isn't. Hugs.

[TXMary2]

Thank you ladies. I have calmed down a bit. I apologize if I have offended anyone who does have an autistic child, I certainly did not mean to slight anyone. I was completely thrown for a loop and very upset that my son had been insulted by someone who is supposed to love him. Saying he wasn't smart and saying the reason was autism just shocked me. I don't know a lot about autism, but aren't autistic kids typically smarter than average? That was always my perception. I Googled "signs of autism" and frankly my grandfather is talking out of his you know what. I don't think he knows the first thing about it nor does he really know anything about my son apparently.

[tex-mex]

It's unfortunate that your grandmother didn't tell someone else she could trust. You didn't have to know this. Try to let it go. He probably doesn't even know the meaning of the terminology he uses. You know your son is doing well! I'm praying for peace for you.

:iagree: That kind of thing should have been shielded from you. It was an insensitive comment from someone who had no business telling you (via his wife and your mom) his opinion. When folks get old, I find they become more blunt (rude? :D) with comments like this. Try to let it go. Be the better person and forgive. It isn't easy. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Charles Wallace]

I am so furious right now! From day one my grandfather has been against homeschooling and never has anything nice to say about it or my abilities to do so. His personality is he knows EVERYTHING and no one is going to tell him otherwise.

 

My mom and my grandmother were out with my ds6 and my mom was having him recite all the things we have been working on this year like "Tell Grammy your phone number, address, days, months, count to 100" etc. My grammy went home and was bragging to my grandfather about how smart ds is and he told her, "That child is not smart, he is autistic." My grandmother was so upset so she called my mother. My mother and her father have a horrid relationship and this just put her over the edge. She called me and told me and now I am pi***d.

 

My son is not autistic. He has a speech problem with a few sounds and is currently attending speech therapy through the public school system which is a service we can get "free" since we are taxpayers in the district. Before starting therapy he had 3 evaluations by different people for different things and I am pretty sure if he showed ANY signs of autism they would have said so!

 

Out of respect for him being my elder I am not going to tell off my grandfather, but as of right now I have no desire to ever go to their house again and see the man! I definitely won't bring any of the kids since he always acts like they are gum on his shoe anyway.

:glare::angry:

 

This is most upsetting to me because when I was growing up my grandfather was my favorite person on the planet! He treated me like a princess and I could do no wrong. Until I became an adult. Sigh. Whatever.

 

 

Listen.

We apparently have the same family, or at least in the neighborhood. We didn't get "autistic," but we did get "monster."

 

CUT OFF THE INFORMATION. I have a basic list of people who get information about what our child is doing for homeschooling, and that list basically includes none of the family, because the supportive ones have proven to be information suppliers to the nonsupportive ones.

 

For a long time, I ignored the comments I heard directly or through informational channels. (If you're thinking my family operates a lot like a Soviet Bloc country before the Berlin Wall fell, you're right!) In order to combat ignorance and prejudice, I gave detailed emails with links to all the curricula we were using, the Sayers essay, TWTM, and so on. I'd show them writing samples, photos of what we were doing, all in the name of, well, some glasnost.

 

Didn't work. Apparently, we were homeschooling not for any actual reasons. We were homeschooling to boost my ego.

No, I don't really know how that works...uh...maybe because our only child gets to be the head of the class??

 

Eventually, it just became too ridiculous. Why continue to deceive myself that they would actually take pleasure in our child's academic accomplishments? Why continue to believe that they would acknowledge that homeschooling, while not a perfect panacea for all the world's ills, worked for OUR family? Why continue to hope that they would not take our decision to homeschool as criticism of what they chose to do with their own kids (it wasn't!)?

 

So now, we pass a lot of bean dip. It's like being gay in the army: they don't ask; I don't tell.

Edited April 11, 2010 by Charles Wallace

[Impish]

Sounds like your grandfather is a jealous person.

 

You were his favourite as a child. Then you went and not only grew up, but had the audacity to replace HIM as the leading man in your life! The horror! So he takes out his jealousy on your son, because you love and adore him.

 

That's *my* thinking anyways. Could be totally wrong, but its amazing the crap ppl are jealous of, and how it gets expressed.

[HeidiKC]

So now, we pass a lot of bean dip. It's like being gay in the army: they don't ask; I don't tell.

 

Heh heh. I like this. Not the situation, of course. But good description!

[Night Elf]

I don't know a lot about autism, but aren't autistic kids typically smarter than average? That was always my perception.

 

This would make an entire different thread. Actually, autism is an entire spectrum. Not all autistic children are smarter than average. Sometimes average would be a blessing. I'm not saying your son is or is not autistic, or does or does not have signs of autism since I do not know you or your child. I'm just speaking in generalities.

[tex-mex]

Listen.

 

So now, we pass a lot of bean dip. It's like being gay in the army: they don't ask; I don't tell.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

Good one. I think the lesson to learn from this is that Gramps doesn't get to hear the wonders and joys of hsing. And the OP's mom needs to be more careful with what she shares with OP (I'm sure she meant no harm... but ya know how it goes in a family, right? :confused:). Set some boundaries, IMO. And pass the bean dip! LOL ;)

[TXMary2]

Listen.

We apparently have the same family, or at least in the neighborhood. We didn't get "autistic," but we did get "monster."

 

CUT OFF THE INFORMATION. I have a basic list of people who get information about what our child is doing for homeschooling, and that list basically includes none of the family, because the supportive ones have proven to be information suppliers to the nonsupportive ones.

 

For a long time, I ignored the comments I heard directly or through informational channels. (If you're thinking my family operates a lot like a Soviet Bloc country before the Berlin Wall fell, you're right!) In order to combat ignorance and prejudice, I gave detailed emails with links to all the curricula we were using, the Sayers essay, TWTM, and so on. I'd show them writing samples, photos of what we were doing, all in the name of, well, some glasnost.

 

Didn't work. Apparently, we were homeschooling not for any actual reasons. We were homeschooling to boost my ego.

No, I don't really know how that works...uh...maybe because our only child gets to be the head of the class??

 

Eventually, it just became too ridiculous. Why continue to deceive myself that they would actually take pleasure in our child's academic accomplishments? Why continue to believe that they would acknowledge that homeschooling, while not a perfect panacea for all the world's ills, worked for OUR family? Why continue to hope that they would not take our decision to homeschool as criticism of what they chose to do with their own kids (it wasn't!)?

 

So now, we pass a lot of bean dip. It's like being gay in the army: they don't ask; I don't tell.

 

 

Thanks Charles. Typically I only share information with my mom as she is my number one supporter. My grandmother supports us too, but my grandfather and uncle both think I am a "dumb broad" that isn't qualified to educate my children. I wish my mother hadn't told me and kept it to herself, but she was ticked and I was the best person to vent to apparently. I appreciate your humor!

[ConnieB]

Write him a letter and include that bit. If he responds well, good. If he doesn't, try to forget your relationship ever developed past the good bit.

 

Rosie

 

And I'd include a pamphlet about autisim to educate him on the condition so that in the future he knows what he's talking about. There is a huge gap between speech delays/problems and autism.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, it does sound so sad since he was a great grandpa when you were younger....most times this description comes from people who include "he's always been this way". Perhaps you could try to have a private uninterrupted conversation with grandma to find out if there is a particular reason that he's changed his attitude towards you. It can't just be homeschooling, or at least I hope not! And perhaps if grandma knew how sad it makes you that your child isn't getting to see the same love and affection from grandpa, maybe she'll put a bug in his ear. Sometimes grandmas tend to look past the bad habits in their spouses because they've lived with it for so long, until they have their eyes opened that it's hurting someone they love, like you.

 

If not, then yes, best to keep your distance so that your memories of him will be positive after he's gone and not about his latest rude uneducated comment.

 

For various reason we have little or nothing to do with my inlaws (my folks are gone)...so effectively my kids have no grandparents....or at least not blood grandparents. They have a whole host of older adults that love and adore them (and spoil) just like grandparents are supposed to....but I did have to cultivate that, but I did it because, like you, I have vivid wonderful memories of times with my grandparents and I wanted that for my kids....whether blood or heart. Maybe you can look into developing the same....we found many of our grandparents from visiting retirement centers (not convalscent because we wanted healthy grandparents, lol). We went with our support group to put on little shows for them (think talent show or show & tell, not heavily rehearsed, just each child having the chance to take center stage and do their thing, recite poety, read a book for beginner readers, sing, dance, play an instrument, etc). That led to more time, doing crafts together, etc etc and well, some just grew on us or us on them. Even though we move often, we've kept in touch with quite a few, even visiting them, or having them as guests, over holidays and such. Every new station we seek out retirement areas to make new friends.

[Colleen in NS]

I am so furious right now! From day one my grandfather has been against homeschooling and never has anything nice to say about it or my abilities to do so. His personality is he knows EVERYTHING and no one is going to tell him otherwise.

 

Out of respect for him being my elder I am not going to tell off my grandfather, but as of right now I have no desire to ever go to their house again and see the man! I definitely won't bring any of the kids since he always acts like they are gum on his shoe anyway.

:glare::angry:

 

Boy, oh, boy, I could write this post right now, just substituting the type of relation and the issue - just came home from a very frazzling afternoon. I knit my way through a very long (as in, hours long) monologue that had absolutely no consideration for my kids' ages and innocence.

 

Listen.

 

CUT OFF THE INFORMATION.

 

So now, we pass a lot of bean dip.

 

:lol::lol::lol: And I needed this laugh right now, too!! This has been my policy for years with this person - to cut off the info. and give very short, selective answers to any questions.

 

That is too funny about the detailed e-mails and the boost to your ego - boost????? My ego is deflated half the time, wondering if I'm doing a good job or not!!

 

:grouphug: to you, OP!

[....]

Wow, we must be related...

 

Apparently, we're homeschooling because I need a purpose in life also...:glare:

 

And the quizzing thing...yeah, I'm tired of that *&^ too. And the "I want to see your handwriting" and all that other :001_huh:.

 

Sorry, I know my comments don't help. I understand your frustration. :patriot: Sometimes I feel like the Last Man Standing.

[Charles Wallace]

boost to your ego - boost????? My ego is deflated half the time, wondering if i'm doing a good job or not!!

 

:grouphug: To you, op!

 

Yes. That. You got it.

[TXMary2]

Wow, we must be related...

 

Apparently, we're homeschooling because I need a purpose in life also...:glare:

 

And the quizzing thing...yeah, I'm tired of that *&^ too. And the "I want to see your handwriting" and all that other :001_huh:.

 

Sorry, I know my comments don't help. I understand your frustration. :patriot: Sometimes I feel like the Last Man Standing.

 

 

The other latest ongoing thing with him is wanting to know when my oldest is going to college. Um, if and when he feels like it. He has a job he likes. His employer loves him and has given him two raises and a promotion and he hasn't even been there one year yet. Behind the scenes my grandfather is saying that he can't get into college because he was homeschooled. That cannot be further from the truth!:glare:

[Carrie12345]

Thank you ladies. I have calmed down a bit. I apologize if I have offended anyone who does have an autistic child, I certainly did not mean to slight anyone. I was completely thrown for a loop and very upset that my son had been insulted by someone who is supposed to love him. Saying he wasn't smart and saying the reason was autism just shocked me. I don't know a lot about autism, but aren't autistic kids typically smarter than average? That was always my perception. I Googled "signs of autism" and frankly my grandfather is talking out of his you know what. I don't think he knows the first thing about it nor does he really know anything about my son apparently.

 

If it makes you feel any better, my grandfather (RIP) insisted my ds *wasn't* autistic, but a result of lazy parenting. :tongue_smilie:;)