I'm looking for ideas to create rituals and strengthen relationship with my daughter.

[Subterranean Society]

Cammie's thread on a father's ritual with his daughter got me to thinking (even harder).

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/21/fashion/21GenB.html

 

I'm currently looking at ways to create and cherish more ritual in my family. I'm particularly interested in ways I can create ritual with my daughter. She'll be staying home after her Montessori K year and I want to find ways to connect on a deeper level. I'm looking for some ideas to mull over.

 

Thanks.

[HRAAB]

My dh often included his dd's in whatever he was doing - took them alongside. Working in the garden, orchard, on an engine, he would have one of the girls out there asking questions, he would answer, show them how things worked. He's very patient. Whenever he runs an errand, he takes a girl with him.

 

While those aren't what I consider rituals, they have done so much to build a strong relationship between my girls and their father. He did have special date nights with them. They would go out to dinner, one on one, so they could have dad's undivided attention. They had what we call 'buddy days' where dad would take them fishing or hiking. On their 13th and 16th birthday they got flowers from their dad. We used to own some ground where we were going to build someday (never happened), but each girl got to go alone with dad for a weekend once a year.

 

I love rituals, but I think their relationship strengthened in the day to day things more than the few rituals we have. However, my older two still talk about their buddy days and such with dad. They are good memories. And my girls love their dad.

 

eta: Oh, and we read together as a family every night. Not a father/daughter thing, but it is a ritual.

[Lara in Colo]

I really believe in rituals. I think that it fosters memories and (possibly) healthy habits that can last a lifetime. I have 4 children (3g, 1b). My two older girls and I have a daily Bible/tea time. We brew a pot of tea, we sit in a circle and we read the Bible. We discuss what we read, we try to understand the motivations of the people and make a connection to our own lives. Ex: yesterday we read about Moses having two men help hold up his hands during a battle, how sometimes we are the one God works through and sometimes we are the one helping that person. Like when I volunteer to help daycare at church, I help the pastor. This way they understand WHY I leave them some Sundays to the mercy of their fathers hairstyling abilities. LOL This also makes Bible a special time and (hopefully) makes it a stress free enjoyable time they will continue and cherish.

We have a family birthday in June for all four children, this saves me money on multiple parties (they still get a cake on their b-day and 1 present). I can also give summer presents to the unfortunate winter B-day children. (Like bikes) and the summer b-day children always seemed to end up with community presents (like a trampoline). My goal is to foster sense of togetherness and sibling bonding. I hope they get together after they are grown and have dinner togther or something for "their birthday". I'm waiting to here about what other people do so I have more.

 

Lara

[myfunnybunch]

With my oldest, my stepdaughter, I started a journal. She would write in it and give it to me. I'd write back and give it back. It helped trigger deeper in-person discussions too.

 

It gave her a chance to ask questions or address issues she was unsure about bringing up in person; it gave me a chance to affirm and reaffirm that I love her, I care what she thinks, and to discuss delicate issues.

 

She stopped abruptly after her summer visit to her mother, along with a pretty major shift in attitude toward me. I missed it a lot. (But she did start a shared journal with one of her best friends.)

 

With both girls we do/did a monthly coffee night. We'd go out to the bookstore or a coffee shop and talk about big or small things and browse books.

 

Cat

[PiCO]

I'm not in to rituals, but I think quantity time (as opposed to the "quality time" trend where parents spend less time with children) is important to building deep relationships.

 

We have the best conversations on road trips. I have always discussed anything with my girls- no topic is taboo. They really appreciate that.

[gingersmom]

Nothing fancy, just spend time with your kids.

 

Not doing school or anything. Just 1-1 time. Go to the playground, explore museums, take a walk, go for a bike ride.

 

Your daughter is young-have a weekly tea party. Do an arts/crafts project together.

 

I cook with my kids weekly. It begins with us looking through cookbooks together and them picking out what they want to make (sometimes its a whole meal!). They put together the grocery list, we shop and the cooking begins.

 

We have even gone to the dollar store for decorations to make the table look "fancy".

[Momto5]

I agree with the posters that spontaneous unstructured time is important.

 

I also agree with the posters that value daily/weekly rituals. We have daily family rituals at our house and they provide a wonderful rhythm for our days.

 

A few ideas:

 

1. whatever ritual you choose, let your daughter lead it or take the prominent role.

 

2. it can be very simple. It can be tea at a certain time of the day. Maybe you have a craft project or book to offer but let her decide. Let her select the tea, set the table, choose the tea cups, etc. I think you'll learn a lot about her by seeing what she chooses.

 

3. Try not to establish a ritual that involves shopping or the need to purchase things. First, it can become a problem if finances change. Second, you don't necessarily want her to associate shopping/purchasing with quality time (this is my personal opinion, others may disagree).

 

4. I love the cooking idea. Maybe you could assign her one meal where she takes the lead (menu planning, theme, cooking) etc. and you just facilitate.

 

5. Volunteer together and then spend time discussing your experience.

 

6. Create a seasons, book, or theme table. Work together to come up with ideas to decorate a small table (or shelf on a bookcase) for the season, including books, poetry, items, artwork etc. Or create a book table, where she can select a book and items that would go with the book. For example, if she chooses "Blueberries for Sal" she could put the book on a easel on a small table, put out a bowl of blueberries, a stuffed bear, a tin pail, a canning jar, etc. Similarly, you could gather books around a theme like snow and think up other snow themed things to put on the table.

 

7. Have a daily or weekly nature walk.

 

8. Have a game night/afternoon/morning.

 

Good luck to you! Let us know how it goes.

[kathkath]

my aunt got all of her adult nieces/nephews this for Christmas. Looks like what you want.

http://www.amazon.com/Love-You-Rituals-Becky-Bailey/dp/0688161170

[Wheres Toto]

My oldest daughter and I are very close but we never did any formal rituals. I always made sure I was there for her to talk to, had time for her when she needed me and didn't brush off her questions or concerns ever.

 

We do spend a lot of time in the car because she is a competitive dancer. Her studio is about 45 minutes away from home plus there's the competitions themselves. We often have some of the best conversations in the car.

[Melenie]

Every year for their birthdays I take each of my girls out for a special lunch. Just me and the birthday girl. It is always a place that we do not often go to. We talk about all the special things we have done together, what she has achieved, I talk about the day that she was born or what Dh and I did before she was born and whatever else comes to mind. My 6 year old looks forward to this each year and she feels so grown up.

[OrganicAnn]

We have a mother/daughter night weekly. My DD gets to pick a few things to do and we often have a treat/dessert. It is only fun stuff.

[Chris in VA]

My sil did the pillow journal thing, and it worked wonderfully. They started when she was 8 or 9.

 

Every year, on their birthdays, I told my children their birth stories at tuck in time. I added more detail (but never gross) as the years passed. I've stopped, of course, with the boys, but I get to do it again on Saturday with dd.