Should I "fire" the therapist? (sorry it's long)

[Cortana]

My younger ds (8) has high-functioning autism and is currently seeing a mental health counselor to help with the behavioral issues he has. The first visit I mentioned that my older ds is currently homeschooled and we plan to begin homeschooling our younger ds next school year. She didn't say anything, but it was pretty obvious by her body language and facial expression that homeschooling isn't something she approves of (whether just for special needs kids or all kids, I can't say).

 

Ds's last session, dh took him so I could go to another appt. At the end of the session, dh mentioned that ds may not be going back to school after spring break (major issues going on at school). The therapist proceeded to tell dh that I didn't tell her we were considering homeschooling ds, it wasn't a good idea, that she was against it, something about ds not having adequate coping skills and something else and he needed to stay in public school. Dh wasn't exactly sure what she was saying, he was a bit taken aback. This also led to dh being upset with me, thinking I wasn't telling the therapist things she needs to know. I hadn't told her about not sending ds back after spring break as this was something dh and I had discussed in between appts, I hadn't had a chance to tell her yet.

 

I really don't feel comfortable with this therapist now. She has been excellent with ds, but since ds works with her 1-on-1 w/o me or dh in the room, I'm concerned with what she might tell ds during the sessions. And I want to have her tell me what she said to dh.

 

So, should I confront the therapist and see what she has to say and explain why we don't agree and try to get refocused on the issues ds has or just tell her this isn't working out and find someone else?

 

And fwiw, I don't believe for one second that public school would help ds with his coping skills. That's total bunk. I was seriously bullied my entire public school years and my coping skills are crap thanks to it. I never really learned how to stand up for myself and still get pushed around to this day. I don't want that for my kids.

[Ibbygirl]

My dd is a high functioning Aspie with OCD and ADHD. Homeschool has been THE ONLY thing that works for her. I homeschooled her right from the start but when her behaviors started manifesting (before we had her evaluated and diagnosed) dh thought that she had to go to school for "socialization". She went for 3rd grade and it was A NIGHTMARE! She was spacing out all the time in class. She would come home with tons of homework and she didn't know what she was supposed to do and I had to basically homeschool her when she got home without the benefit of having taught the lesson and knowing what was expected. She was bullied mercilessly and I was constantly in the office with the principal, vice principal and ESE specialist. I realize that every child is different and every family situation is different, but with a child like mine, one on one schooling is the absolute best situation for her. It allows me to give her breaks when she needs them, to tailor the curriculum to her (and her attention span), to work on her socialization skills one on one etc. I would never send her back to school again.

 

I think your son's therapist probably has some definite opinions about what *she thinks* is right or wrong when it comes to schooling. I've noticed a lot of that myself when dealing with my dc's therapists, but the interesting thing to me, is that when they listen to me telling them what it is I do with my dc and they see the results in them, I've managed to get them to open their eyes and change their thinking about homeschooling. My dc's behavior therapist that we have now told me that my dd had to be in school for socialization reasons. I told him about all of the socialization that she has going on with other kids in our homeschool group, church, etc. I told him what we do in a day and when he looked at it all objectively he actually agreed with me that it was the better thing for her.

 

My best advice is to go with your gut. If you know that homeschooling is helping your son and it works for you guys, then IMO that is validation enough of the rightness of your choices. The fact that your son is "doing excellent working with the therapist one on one" should tell you something right there. Maybe you could even broach the subject with her on that tack? Ask her if she could have the same success with 20 kids doing group therapy as she could with a one on one session and then explain to her that is what you want to do with him with his schooling. Maybe she just needs to look at it in another way? JMHO.

Edited April 1, 2010 by Ibbygirl

[Melissa in Australia]

I have no advice, but is it common for people to allow therapists etc. to be with their children without being present?

how would you know what to work on with your child if you aren't at the therapy?

[Harriet Vane]

First talk to her. If she cannot respect your parenting decisions, then fire her.

 

Ask her how much experience she has personally with homeschooling. I'd be willing to bet it's nil.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

Please don't let her convince you to avoid homeschooling. My 15 yo nephew is a high functioning aspie with lots of behavior issues. Homeschooling would be the absolute best thing for him.

 

I'd be very clear about that topic being off limits. I've seen my nephew use therapists' words to support his point in ways the therapist never intended. If she openly disagrees with you, I would see it causing real problems.

[Joanne]

First talk to her. If she cannot respect your parenting decisions, then fire her.

 

Ask her how much experience she has personally with homeschooling. I'd be willing to bet it's nil.

 

:iagree: One of the things I hope to do as a therapist is develop the word of mouth reputation that I am friendly/understanding of counter-cultural decisions. (homeschooling, medical choice, homebirth, "extended" nursing, etc)

 

I once had to confront my therapist over a "put the kids in school and go to work" comment. I had been talking about the stress related to running a home daycare. It wasn't stress over being at home or homeschooling, but her solution was the default, culturally present one. We worked through it, quickly and she thanked me for the confrontation and we moved on.

 

Counselors are professionally trained; I'd give them the benefit of the doubt *once* to hear you and have a discussion. If your gut continues to tell you that it's a no-go due to the homeschooling issue, find another therapist.

[Laurie4b]

I have no advice, but is it common for people to allow therapists etc. to be with their children without being present?

how would you know what to work on with your child if you aren't at the therapy?

Yes. That is,in fact, standard. The therapist meets with the parent before or after the appt, but not during.

[LNC]

When I wanted to enroll my son with MR and autism in school for special ed 5th grade (and we did and it's been great for 2 years now), his therapist was firmly against it.

 

She said he was mainstreamed at home with his two typical sibs. My problem was that they were developing beyond him, and I couldn't keep him busy enough with him resorting to stimming all day. At school he's engaged all day long at his level and learning the life skills he needs.

 

Every family and situation is unique I think.

Edited April 1, 2010 by LNC

[Orthodox6]

This may be harder, if you lie in a small town with few professional choices.

 

If you like this therapist overall, and think her a "good fit" for everything other than your education choices, . . . then you could try speaking with her privately (son not present). Tell her that your family will make the call on educational setting, that she has not persuaded you to choose differently, and tactfully remind her that, as a professional, she has to work with you as you are and as who you are. I see this as no different from my family belonging to a religion which often runs bluntly opposite to what would be advised by a typical therapist. We are obligated to hold our ground, and the professionals are obligated to respect us and not undercut us. (Bottom line -- Who pays whom ?)

 

Otherwise, move on. Discussing school issues and performance are going to come up during routine appointments.

[Laurie4b]

I agree with pp's: talk to her once. I would say, "I heard from my husband that you didn't think homeschooling was a good option for x because of ___" Tell me what your impression is of what homeschooling is like. Listen to her. (This is important). Then ask how she formed that impression. (She may have had clients who were slack homeschoolers. One of our OT's had. She didn't tell me she was negative about homeschooling but as we progressed, she began to say things like she could see how some homeschoolers could do a really good job with their kids, and shared that she had worked with one homeschool family who really hadn't done what the kid needed. We were her second, but that first one can make a big impression) .

 

After listening, tell her that you are still intending to homeschool. Alleviate any of her concerns and then ask her, "Will you be able to be supportive of our lifestyle choice to homeschool?" If she says yes, ask again, "Are you sure? Because it is important to me to be able to keep the focus on ds's progress in x,y, z and not feel like I have to constantly defend our lifestyle choices. So I just want to be absolutely sure that we will have your support." If there is anything less than a hardy yes to this, then ask her for a recommendation so that you can move on.

[jillian]

She sounds like she is not a good fit for your family. I would give her a call and let her know that if she cannot respect your parenting choices that she is not a good fit and that you will have to look elsewhere for the help for your son. However, I would be prepared to have a DSHS/CPS call from her (it's been known to happen) because of her reaction. Get your state laws and such prepared :)

 

Normally I would say to try and speak with her about homeschooling but only if she has been making progress with your DC, if the work is just so-so I would move on.

[Mrs.W]

If it were me, yes, I'd stop seeing her. Autism is hard enough without having to worry about personnel issues. You need to focus on what's best for your son and not defending your choices to others. There are plenty of professionals who have a favorable impression of homeschooling, so unless there is a bureaucratic reason for seeing this particular therapist, you're better off without her. If you've never looked into RDI, you might want to -- they are extremely favorable of homeschooling.

 

When our son was in K and 1st grade at a Christian school, my son struggled behaviorally and would have a meltdown about once a month. I'd have to go pick him up (one time I found him hiding under a chair, curled up in a ball, crying), but once we started homeschooling, the behaviors pretty much disappeared. He hasn't had a meltdown in 3 years and he has blossomed in ways I couldn't have imagined.

[QueenCat]

I would talk to her first, and make sure you both truly understand where each is coming from. If you choose, after talking to her, to discontinue therapy, be prepared for a social services call. Therapists often call social services after being "fired" or when parents don't follow their recommendations.

[StephanieZ]

I'd fire her immediately. I would not permit my child in the room alone with her again. EVER. I would be in the room for the wrap-up/say good-bye session.

 

I'd find a new therapist who is supportive of hs'ing.

 

There are plenty of bad therapists out there and they can do a lot of damage.

 

Dh and I tried to help a 13 yo cousin once. . . She was in big trouble at home and we allowed her to come move in with us (different state). . . We were young parents; one baby at home only. ..

 

A main point of contention was that the 13yo smoked. My house rules included 1) go to school and 2) no smoking. Honestly, that was almost all I required.

 

The therapist knew that very well. The 13yo kept sneaking cigarettes (that she got at the ps she was attending) and I kept applying consequences. It was a vicious cycle.

 

After 2 mos of struggles and a downward spiral that endangered my baby's safety (according to the same therapist. . ) I ended up sending the girl home.

 

Afterwards, I learned that the therapist was smoking with the 13yo right there in the therapist's office. UGH. Needless to say, I no longer trust therapists w/o reservation. . .

[Joanne]

I would talk to her first, and make sure you both truly understand where each is coming from. If you choose, after talking to her, to discontinue therapy, be prepared for a social services call. Therapists often call social services after being "fired" or when parents don't follow their recommendations.

 

Do you have some actual information, research or statistics to back up this assertion?

[SonshineLearner]

I'd wanna record what she's saying. Some states it's legal without knowledge... some it's not... and I'm not sure about during therapy. BUT, I'd probably do it either way..

[Cortana]

I appreciate everyone's input. I will sit down with her and have a discussion about what was said. I want to hear what she said for myself. I don't look forward to it, but I know having to defend the decision to homeschool is unfortunately part of making that decision in the first place.

 

Like some of you have said, my biggest fear is that she will contact CPS about this. I don't think she would, but that is a reality. Dh got rather riled up when I told him this, his response was "bring it on, I'd really like them to try to find something. We aren't doing anything wrong and they'll see that."

 

We don't live in a small area, but are limited to providers due to insurance. And the way ds's sessions go, I meet with her for about 10-15 mins, then she works with ds 1-on-1 for about 30 mins, then she meets with me for another 5 mins to go over what she worked on with ds and to schedule the next appt.

 

I agree with the point made about how her working with ds 1-on-1 is working well and and using that point to explain our position on homeschooling ds. In fact, they do have group sessions but she said ds is too young to benefit from it. Go figure. I believe she's also under the misunderstanding that ds would be totally isolated from the world, which he most certainly will not be. He already gets tons of "socialization" time outside of school plus we are looking into co-ops as well.

 

The bottom line is I need to hear what she has to say and go from there. I will make it clear that this is our decision, one that we have not made lightly and have spent a lot of time discussing and praying about. If she can't respect that and agree that subject is off limits, then we will find someone else.

[SproutMamaK]

I think you're making a good choice. Talk to her and see what she has to say. See how she responds.

 

I have to say, with all of the therapists I've dealt with (between speech, OT, behavioural, physio, etc) not ONE of them would have the audacity to presume to tells us what parenting choices we should or shouldn't be making for our child. They're too professional and frankly, they have enough respect for us to realize that we think these things through and their opinion won't change our mind. The only time someone HAS mentioned something (WRT to homeschooling, btw) was, "Can I ask what you plan to do about social skills?" That was it. Not a lecture, a (albeit leading) question, and one that was easily answered (to their satisfaction). If a therapist thought they had the right to call me out like that.... hoo boy. I'd talk to them afterwards and see if we could mend fences, but the relationship would NOT be the same again.

 

Can I ask how often you meet with this therapist? Spending the first 10/15 minutes talking to you instead of your child seems a bit excessive (and frankly, expensive for the amount you pay them per hour!) if you're seeing her frequently.

 

To answer a PP, yes, it's common for children to be left alone with their therapists. I often leave the door open to hear what's going on if I feel like "tuning in" for a while, and the therapists will always tell me when the session is done how things went and what weaknesses he had, etc.

[Joanne]

Like some of you have said, my biggest fear is that she will contact CPS about this. I don't think she would, but that is a reality. Dh got rather riled up when I told him this, his response was "bring it on, I'd really like them to try to find something. We aren't doing anything wrong and they'll see that."

 

Therapists have specific parameters and guidelines about reporting. It's *rare* statistically that you'll find a therapist reporting because you've made a decision to get another professional. You might find an elevated hostile response to homeschooling choices if the professionals are affiliated with the public school setting but even then, reporting for anything other than abuse or actual neglect is unlikely.

[jillian]

Therapists have specific parameters and guidelines about reporting. It's *rare* statistically that you'll find a therapist reporting because you've made a decision to get another professional. You might find an elevated hostile response to homeschooling choices if the professionals are affiliated with the public school setting but even then, reporting for anything other than abuse or actual neglect is unlikely.

Not to nag at you but if a therapist "feels" there is abuse/neglect/maltreatment going on they have a legal right to call...whether that's valid is of course a completely different issue. Also *most* state's DSHS/CPS are required to follow up on EVERY claim so it could lead to some hassles, especially if this therapist truly thinks that the OP and her husband are endangering their child by not "getting him the services he needs" (i do not agree with that since so many special needs children fall through the cracks at PS'). I do think it is wise advise to have your ducks in a row, paperwork properly filed, etc. I know that we are told in my psychology classes (graduate level) that if we "feel" that abuse/maltreatment/neglect is going on we are supposed to call and make a report. Of course I do not feel homeschooling a special needs child falls into any of those categories :)

[texasmama]

First of all, I am a therapist. I work with kids and adults, doing all types of therapy, but my main practice has been with kids/families. So my advice is based on my professional experience. I also have not read any of the other replies...

 

Since you like this therapist otherwise and she works well with your son, I wouldn't switch without trying to make it work. A good match with a therapist can be very hard to find.

 

If I were you, I would ask to speak with her privately at the beginning of the next session and tell her that you really appreciate/value/etc. her work with your son, but you get the impression that she is against homeschooling...and that are concerned that your son might get that impression from her, which would be counterproductive to your plan with him for schooling. Then see what her response is. A good therapist would probably express her thoughts/concerns on homeschooling, to which you can say, "I appreciate your feedback. However, this is something that we have decided to do at this time. If at any time this seems to not be working for my son, we will look at other options. Is this something you are able to support while working with him, even if you have misgivings?"

 

If she says "no", then you have your answer. If she says "yes", then you have her commitment and if at any time she breaks it you have the optino to leave. A good therapist will not sabotage your plan to homeschool. No matter how much I disagreed with a parents' schooling plan (or another plan that didn't involve safety), I wouldn't attempt to influence the child negatively regarding it. That would be inappropriate and unethical, particularly if a parent had specifically asked me not to do this.

 

I hope that helps you and all the best to you and your son as you work this out.:grouphug:

[texasmama]

I would talk to her first, and make sure you both truly understand where each is coming from. If you choose, after talking to her, to discontinue therapy, be prepared for a social services call. Therapists often call social services after being "fired" or when parents don't follow their recommendations.

 

As a therapist, I must say that I have never done this. I have only called child protective services when I suspect a child is being abused or neglected. I also don't know any therapists personally who have called social services to make a report in these circumstances.

[texasmama]

Not to nag at you but if a therapist "feels" there is abuse/neglect/maltreatment going on they have a legal right to call...whether that's valid is of course a completely different issue. Also *most* state's DSHS/CPS are required to follow up on EVERY claim so it could lead to some hassles, especially if this therapist truly thinks that the OP and her husband are endangering their child by not "getting him the services he needs" (i do not agree with that since so many special needs children fall through the cracks at PS'). I do think it is wise advise to have your ducks in a row, paperwork properly filed, etc. I know that we are told in my psychology classes (graduate level) that if we "feel" that abuse/maltreatment/neglect is going on we are supposed to call and make a report. Of course I do not feel homeschooling a special needs child falls into any of those categories :)

 

This situation doesn't meet any criteria for suspicion of abuse or neglect. I worked for a year as a child protective services investigator before getting my masters' degree and becoming a licensed therapist. There are occasions in which homeschoolers are reported to CPS, but choosing to homeschool your child rather than send him to public school doesn't meet the suspicion of abuse or neglect criteria.

[QueenCat]

Do you have some actual information, research or statistics to back up this assertion?

 

Experience of friends and homeschoolers in my homeschool group. I wouldn't have made the comment if I hadn't seen others experience having social services show up on their doorstep after a falling out with a therapist. I'm not in the habit of just making something up, as you imply, but no, I don't have "research or statistics" to back up what I've seen others experience.

[QueenCat]

As a therapist, I must say that I have never done this. I have only called child protective services when I suspect a child is being abused or neglected. I also don't know any therapists personally who have called social services to make a report in these circumstances.

 

Glad to hear you haven't done that. Unfortunately, I've known a few families who have had the unfortunate experience of having social services show up on their door step after dropping a therapist who disagreed (and pushed it) with homeschooling. Fortunately, all of these cases were closed quickly.

[texasmama]

Glad to hear you haven't done that. Unfortunately, I've known a few families who have had the unfortunate experience of having social services show up on their door step after dropping a therapist who disagreed (and pushed it) with homeschooling. Fortunately, all of these cases were closed quickly.

 

That is a shame. I would hate for people who are not therapists to think that most therapists report homeschoolers, though. That is untrue and it paints therapists in a bad and unfair light.

 

I've done therapy off and on for almost 20 years (yikes, I'm old!:glare:), and during that time, I have had the experience of my advice/recommendations being ignored frequently. That is a client's right to do. They are paying me for my advice and help and if they don't want to follow it, they are free to ignore it. In Texas, a "report" of "abuse or neglect" solely because someone chooses to homeschool would likely not even be investigated unless there was a separate issue involved. Other states may differ in their approach.

 

My goal in responding to this issue is not to discount anyone's personal experience but to present that all or most therapists are not reporting homeschoolers or other people out of anger that their recommendations aren't followed. In 20 years, I have not ever done this and do not know any therapist who has...and I know a lot of therapists. Bad therapists exist just like bad doctors and other professionals exist, but good, appropriate and ethical therapists don't file false reports out of anger. A relationship with a therapist is like any other give and take relationship in that it requires communication.

[jillian]

This situation doesn't meet any criteria for suspicion of abuse or neglect. I worked for a year as a child protective services investigator before getting my masters' degree and becoming a licensed therapist. There are occasions in which homeschoolers are reported to CPS, but choosing to homeschool your child rather than send him to public school doesn't meet the suspicion of abuse or neglect criteria.

oh i know that, but that doesn't mean that this therapist "won't" do it. it was just a cautionary word--if she feels strongly enough she could still "report" it. :)

[Laurie4b]

That is a shame. I would hate for people who are not therapists to think that most therapists report homeschoolers, though. That is untrue and it paints therapists in a bad and unfair light.

 

I've done therapy off and on for almost 20 years (yikes, I'm old!:glare:), and during that time, I have had the experience of my advice/recommendations being ignored frequently. That is a client's right to do. They are paying me for my advice and help and if they don't want to follow it, they are free to ignore it. In Texas, a "report" of "abuse or neglect" solely because someone chooses to homeschool would likely not even be investigated unless there was a separate issue involved. Other states may differ in their approach.

 

My goal in responding to this issue is not to discount anyone's personal experience but to present that all or most therapists are not reporting homeschoolers or other people out of anger that their recommendations aren't followed. In 20 years, I have not ever done this and do not know any therapist who has...and I know a lot of therapists. Bad therapists exist just like bad doctors and other professionals exist, but good, appropriate and ethical therapists don't file false reports out of anger. A relationship with a therapist is like any other give and take relationship in that it requires communication.

 

I agree. I used to work as a therapist and nobody I know would have done this. That's not saying it doesn't happen, but I wouldn't consider it a "probability." A therapist could make the case that the child needs some kind of treatment and the parent isn't providing it. It's conceivable that they could do this re: school choices. If a therapist did this, it would be a therapist with major control issues.

 

If this worries OP at all, the solution is to find another therapist first and then tell current therapist that you are switching therapists. You don't need to say why. But I agree that it is an unlikely, though not impossible, outcome.