How do you handle the constantly complaining child?

[ChristusG]

My DD is 5 (almost 6) years old. She complains about EVERY. SINGLE. THING.

 

Me: Stitch, could you pick up your toys off the ground? They are in the middle of the floor, someone might trip over them.

 

Stitch: Uhhhh!!! Whyyyyyy?? (Insert extremely whiny voice and she says this while melting onto the ground) I don't want to. I want to leave them there in case I want to play with them laterrrrrr!!!!!

 

Repeat this process when I tell her its time for bed, when I ask her to do anything, when she hears absolutely anything that's not on her particular agenda (in her mind) for the day, etc. I can ask her something extremely simple and she will whine and complain.

 

Seriously, I think I'm about to go nuts. I've done the whole "I can't hear you unless you can talk to me in a normal voice." I've told her that she needs to do things with a happy heart, as Jesus instructs in the Bible. I've done time out. Nothing works with her.

 

Does anyone else have a child who complains constantly? Most days, I dread communicating with her because I know that most everything she says will be some sort of complaint or whine. And it begins within first few minutes of getting out of bed.

[milovany]

Perhaps consider practicing when it's not a "real" request and a real issue. So cheerfully tell her that there have been some problems with her responses and that you want to have a fun time learning about and practicing a proper response. But toys on floor, roleplay and show her a correct response, and then work on it with her outside an actual "situation."

 

Also, if she DOES do it we have good success with "taking a break" (not "timeouts"). If she answers incorrectly, she goes to her room and sits on her bed with her hands folded. She can come out when she can calmly tell you what she did wrong and why it was wrong. And then tell you what the proper response is. Then go through it again with a proper response. This puts the responsibility on HER (not the clock like a timeout, and not you) to make the change within herself.

 

Just a couple of ideas for you.

 

ETA: If it's really "constant" then it will probably take some pretty constant focus for awhile.

[Brooketopia]

Exact same boat. Mine just turned six. It drives me crazy.

 

I've started just ignoring it when it's quiet and mumbly, but if it's outright loud and rude I just point to her bedroom and say "Time out for speaking grumpy." It helps a bit. She will watch herself for a little while after that.

 

She's my clone. I was the same way at her age...I figure it's my payback.

[Rosie_0801]

I'd say she needs more attention from you. I understand that obnoxious behaviour does not encourage you to want to spend time with her, but she's not going to break the cycle. You might just have to grind your teeth and pretend! I'd also go back to the toddler training style of getting things done like "come and help me pick up these toys." Keep insisting she uses a normal instead of whiny voice. Smile and tell her your ears can't listen to whiny voices, so to go and find her normal voice. If she's the type to respond, you could send her to look somewhere silly like under the couch cushions. :)

 

Rosie

[Cera]

My 5 year old girl has the same attitude. I have been told repeatedly that 5 and 13 are the hardest ages with girls so I am holding out hope that it will settle down soon.

[myfunnybunch]

I have a guy like this. I. Hate. "Whhhhhyyyy?" That kind of "Why?" is not really whining or complaining, it's a protest.

 

I started treating it like a protest instead of whining. Usually, I now say neutrally: "I asked you to pick up. If you'd really like to know why, you may ask me in a polite voice once you've started picking up."

 

The other thing I did was teach my ds to "protest" appropriately. Well, to identify and advocate for what he wants, at least. It is NOT appropriate to fall to the floor and say "Whyyyyyyyyyy???????????" It might be appropriate to ask politely, "Mom, may I leave my blocks out so that I can play with them after dinner?" I said "Yes" a LOT while I was teaching this behavior because I wanted him to be successful, then gradually pared back to my normal (still pretty plentiful) yesses. I'd rather step around blocks for a few weeks and have a peaceful home, then get back to picking up the blocks regularly once the behavior has been learned. If I had to say no, I'd compliment how nicely he asked, explain why it wouldn't work, and offer both to help pick up now and to build blocks with him later. The behavior is rewarded both with words and with attention and help now and in the future.

 

So now he's perfectly behaved and never whines.

 

*snort* Well, at least things are better, most days.

 

One thing that has helped a lot is that with this particular child, for whom the glass seems to be half-empty much of the time, I really really make an effort to create positive interactions. One of our worst times was getting him out of bed. Now, instead of making a request first ("Time to get up!") I connect first. I rub his back, spend some time talking about dreams, give him a morning hug, whatever. He's a sharp and sweet little cookie, and I enjoy that few minutes. Then I let him know breakfast is ready and he can join us at the table. He's usually a little late to breakfast, but he's pleasant, so who cares? :)

 

Cat

[nono]

I whined back at my dd, exactly in kind, for about an hour one day. She eventually burst into tears. I hugged her, brushed away her tears and explained that's what I always felt like with her whining at me.

 

She doesn't whine anymore.

[MSNative]

I have a guy like this. I. Hate. "Whhhhhyyyy?" That kind of "Why?" is not really whining or complaining, it's a protest.

 

I started treating it like a protest instead of whining. Usually, I now say neutrally: "I asked you to pick up. If you'd really like to know why, you may ask me in a polite voice once you've started picking up."

 

The other thing I did was teach my ds to "protest" appropriately. Well, to identify and advocate for what he wants, at least. It is NOT appropriate to fall to the floor and say "Whyyyyyyyyyy???????????" It might be appropriate to ask politely, "Mom, may I leave my blocks out so that I can play with them after dinner?" I said "Yes" a LOT while I was teaching this behavior because I wanted him to be successful, then gradually pared back to my normal (still pretty plentiful) yesses. I'd rather step around blocks for a few weeks and have a peaceful home, then get back to picking up the blocks regularly once the behavior has been learned. If I had to say no, I'd compliment how nicely he asked, explain why it wouldn't work, and offer both to help pick up now and to build blocks with him later. The behavior is rewarded both with words and with attention and help now and in the future.

 

So now he's perfectly behaved and never whines.

 

*snort* Well, at least things are better, most days.

 

One thing that has helped a lot is that with this particular child, for whom the glass seems to be half-empty much of the time, I really really make an effort to create positive interactions. One of our worst times was getting him out of bed. Now, instead of making a request first ("Time to get up!") I connect first. I rub his back, spend some time talking about dreams, give him a morning hug, whatever. He's a sharp and sweet little cookie, and I enjoy that few minutes. Then I let him know breakfast is ready and he can join us at the table. He's usually a little late to breakfast, but he's pleasant, so who cares? :)

 

Cat

:iagree:

 

We do the same thing with my more, uh, challenging child. I cannot agree more with the advice to connect in a positive way. Makes a huge difference. Plus, we try really hard to catch him when he "doing good" rather than only remarking on negatives.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I thought of something completely different when I thought of complaining.

 

For this sort of thing, I'd simply teach her what she needs to say and the tone it should be in. A lot of kids just get in a bad habit or don't know how to do it right. So if you, in a time there isn't a conflict, teach her that from now on, the correct answer is, "okay mom!" she'll get into a different habit.

 

BTW, this isn't to say that she may not have another feeling about something or need to "appeal." For just not wanting to do it, not liking the rule, if she would have liked to do it differently, whatever, she can simply discuss the situation with you AFTER compliance. Now, *my* experience is that these two things need to be done consistently before you add the appeal. Some kids just can't seem to, when still in a bad habit, figure out when to appeal and when to just comply. So if compliance is the new habit, they'll appeal almost only in a real need of consideration rather than for everything. It's up to you, but *I* would wait to introduce the appeal. It seems "mean" maybe but that is just my experience. Then when you allow the appeal, they ASK to appeal. That way you can, if necessary (rarely, hopefully) tell them to just do it and you'll talk later. Usually, you will hear an appeal though and work together for a reasonable compromise.

 

HTHs,

[MelanieM]

The other thing I did was teach my ds to "protest" appropriately. Well, to identify and advocate for what he wants, at least. It is NOT appropriate to fall to the floor and say "Whyyyyyyyyyy???????????" It might be appropriate to ask politely, "Mom, may I leave my blocks out so that I can play with them after dinner?" I said "Yes" a LOT while I was teaching this behavior because I wanted him to be successful, then gradually pared back to my normal (still pretty plentiful) yesses. I'd rather step around blocks for a few weeks and have a peaceful home, then get back to picking up the blocks regularly once the behavior has been learned. If I had to say no, I'd compliment how nicely he asked, explain why it wouldn't work, and offer both to help pick up now and to build blocks with him later. The behavior is rewarded both with words and with attention and help now and in the future.

 

Yes yes YES! We have had a lot of success with modeling appropriate responses, saying a lot of yeses to cement the reward of appropriate responses, and lots and lots of positive attention and celebration of reasonable interactions.

 

I also do the "automatic no": If you have a request and it is presented to me in a whining or screaming fit, the answer is automatically no. I say things like "wow, I'm so sorry, I'd love to help you out but your tone/behaviour means I have to say no! Let me know when you want to try again." (I started this only for times when I was ready to say yes when the energy shifted. It doesn't work if you're going to say no to a calm request as well!)

 

We've also had lots of chats (during calm moments) about how people love to do things for those that are grateful and cheerful, but no one really wants to help, or listen to, a grump.

 

I also love the role play suggestion. We do a lot of that as well, and it does help.

 

We still have our moments around here, but this stuff has really made a positive impact, and I am seeing good results.

[ChristusG]

Thanks for all of the suggestions! I'm going to try some of them out starting today.

 

Did I mention this child is stubborn too? LOL....so it may get worse before it gets better LOL.

[eternalknot]

 

For this sort of thing, I'd simply teach her what she needs to say and the tone it should be in. A lot of kids just get in a bad habit or don't know how to do it right. So if you, in a time there isn't a conflict, teach her that from now on, the correct answer is, "okay mom!" she'll get into a different habit.

 

 

:iagree: I had to explain (several times) to my own complaining kid that the issue wasn't so much his request or his frustration - it was how he chose to communicate those to me. Picking up toys, for example: if I asked him to clean up his Legos, he would pitch a fit. I had to teach him how to say, "I want to keep this until morning so I can show dad/finish building/take a picture/whatever-fill-in-the-blank" in a tone I'd actually consider listening to! It didn't work miracles, but with consistency it did help. I gave him some tools he could use, and he started to use them.

 

Honestly, though, the best teacher was seeing some other examples of poor behavior out in public. We see a few really whiny children at scouts every week, and I've told my son that their behavior resembled his own (when he was having a fit). I say that it's not how he is, or how they are, but it's all about how each of them poorly CHOOSES to communicate. He sees how it looks to someone on the outside, not just us but others present as well. He took it to heart. Whining is not attractive or fun to be around!

[The Governess]

I am having the same problem right now with my 3 yo. :glare: If anything happens that she doesn't like, she starts doing this complainy, completely fake, whiny cry at the top of her lungs. I say things like "I can't understand you, please use your words to tell me what is wrong" or (if she is complaining because she is trying to do something and it's not working for her) "I am happy to help you if you ask nicely." She usually complies with these requests, and she knows the appropriate way to express her frustrations, but that hasn't stopped her from reacting with the complaints *first* every.single.time. Argh.

 

If it's really bad I will ask her to go spend some time in her room until she is able to use a nice voice and nice words. She has made some improvement, sometimes all I need to do is look at her and she will figure out the right response and use it. But I'm wondering if the nice voice and nice words will ever be the default mode of expression for her.

 

Thanks for posting, OP, I'm gathering ideas too. :bigear:

[Heidi]

Oh, when my girls start whining whenever I ask them to clean, I just assume that they are out of practice, or out of the habit of cleaning, so we practice a lot on those days. It works for us. They happily and quickly clean the next day when I ask.

On days I just can't handle the whine, they have to go clean a room (like the bedroom or the playroom downstairs) and they can't come out until it's clean. They're usually down there for hours ;), though they are eventually motivated by hunger.

[myfunnybunch]

when she hears absolutely anything that's not on her particular agenda (in her mind) for the day, etc.

 

You know, I was thinking about this particularly this morning, because we got up late and I forgot to warn my guy that it would soon be time to go to karate. Gah. Some day I will learn, right? Does your dd have trouble with transitioning activities too?

 

My sweet boy has an agenda in his head too, and I find that our day goes more smoothly if he knows what to expect. So I do quite a bit of pre-correcting too. "In five minutes, it will be time to pick up your blocks. I will say, 'Time to pick up blocks,' and what will you say?" (He usually replies, "I'll say, 'Okay, Mom!'"). Most of the time it works. He's more prepared and he's already practiced a correct response.

 

And I completely agree with MelanieM about the automatic no. If I am fussed or whined at, the child has lost the opportunity to get my ear. And they do not get a second chance. And the poor things (maybe not), they see my eyebrows go up and my head shake, and they bring out their politest voices....I do say, "That was so much better. Thank you. Ask like that first the next time and I'll be sure to listen to what you've got to say."

 

Cat