We're having trouble making a decision....

[Pamela H in Texas]

Background:

 

1) Hubby got in at 4am this morning. He's been gone 4.5 months. We're doing fine, but we were looking forward to time just the four of us.

 

2) Hubby was laid off the other day so we're living on a last paycheck. We'll have income tax check by the end of the month. I won't get paid til March 25th and it's part time. Hubby will have unemployment eventually and will look like crazy for a job.

 

3) Hubby's brother stayed with hubby and me for 2 weeks this summer. My kids (17 and 15yr olds) were visiting my mom at the time.

 

4) Hubby's brother was no problem when here, but he wasn't the ideal roommate either (he didn't look at getting a job as a job itself, he didn't contribute to the household at the time nor after he left, he required me to drive him around). But he was respectful for the most part and easy enough to live with. Having a good personality helps A LOT.

 

5) We did have VERY strict rules about his behavior here (biggest concern being drinking). He was fine.

 

Anyway, hubby's brother says his situation "isn't working out." He has burned every other bridge. He does have some negatives against him making it harder for him to get a decent job and get on his feet. I feel for him. But he's not the best at taking responsibility and overcoming his past either.

 

I'm pretty okay with him coming back though I wish it wasn't right when hubby is just getting back. I was thinking that one additional "rule" would have to be that if hubby gets a job out of town, BIL will have to go somewhere else. Unfortunately, that makes his life hard, but he can't stay here without hubby here.

 

My only other concern is the toll on our family. We need our time and won't be able to get it. And there will be additional financial issues (cigarettes, gas, electric, water, food, etc).

 

We are so thankful for times family has given us help in the past. We want to pay it forward. But I'm not sure we're really able to HELP past giving him a place to stay temporarily (possibly VERY temporarily). I don't feel we're able to really give him a hand UP which makes me leery of putting our own family in such a position.

 

WWYD?

[Old Dominion Heather]

I think under the circumstances, I'd tell him that you will help him look for a place he can afford, but at this point, you can't afford to have him in your home. I think you have really got to say no at this point. Like you said, this would really put a strain on your relationship w/ your husband. And it is the truth. Do you have the money to add another adult to the budget?

[Starr]

You sound like you would really like some time to reconnect with your husband. I would try to help him come up with another plan. If your husband leaves in a month then what will he do?

[elegantlion]

I think under the circumstances, I'd tell him that you will help him look for a place he can afford, but at this point, you can't afford to have him in your home. I think you have really got to say no at this point. Like you said, this would really put a strain on your relationship w/ your husband. And it is the truth. Do you have the money to add another adult to the budget?

 

:iagree: My dh was gone from us for 7 months, we did get to see him briefly a few times, but it took us a good while to get back into our routines. There were a few days I was glad there was no family near to hear our "discussions". Even innocuous things as doing laundry and cooking, not to mention time to be a family can take some re-adjusting.

 

Plus if he gets another out of town job, would you be able to kick dear BIL out? IIRC didn't your dh have only a few days to get to his last job? what if that happened again?

[Pamela H in Texas]

Paula, those are the things I've been thinking. So far the only "discussion" has been about dear BIL. That in itself seems to be a problem! But like you said, we have some re-adjusting to do. It hasn't been an issue yet, but surely stuff will come up.

 

And we SO hope he gets a job here, but.... If hubby has to leave again, it will very likely be a case of "can you be here Monday?" IF we allowed BIL to stay here, he would have to understand he may have little notice before he had to leave. But it seems that if he could handle that, he could find a better situation now.

[Harriet Vane]

I have had all manner of people live with me, but I would not do this. This has potential for heartache, and it has the potential to NOT help dear bil either.

 

You have very little money. You are trying to reconnect after an extended absence. Your bil, beloved though he is, has some issues. This could be a powder keg.

 

Better to preserve the good relationships you all have right now and NOT take in bil.

[Peela]

I agree with the others. And it sounds like the burden is falling on you, and you have enough to deal with. He is a single man by the sounds of it...he can take care of himself, he's an adult. You have already put your hand out and helped him...it's not your job or your duty to continue to do that.

There is only so much one can fall back on family.

We had dh's father here for a while- he has beginning alzheimers and his wife needed a break for a few days. We took him on happily and he wasn't much trouble. Then the wife decided to just not come back for a few more days. It became unpleasant. Dh's father has not exactly been a loving father or a loving grandfather, and we are not close at all- not even dh. We were just being family friendly taking him in. He just sat doing crosswords all day and after a week I had so had enough of him. We all had. He didnt do a dish or make a snack the whole time- that was fine for 3 days, but more than that, I just felt used.

Just because someone is family doesn't mean one 'owes" them one's own wellbeing.

[Corraleno]

And we SO hope he gets a job here, but.... If hubby has to leave again, it will very likely be a case of "can you be here Monday?" IF we allowed BIL to stay here, he would have to understand he may have little notice before he had to leave. But it seems that if he could handle that, he could find a better situation now.

 

EXACTLY.

 

I would tell BIL, that *if* DH finds a job in town, then it might be possible for BIL to stay with you temporarily while he gets on his feet, but as long as DH is unemployed then (1) you guys are not financially in a position to add to your household and (2) DH may have to leave town at a moment's notice, in which case BIL would have to leave immediately anyway, so it is not a stable enough situation for him to plan to stay there.

 

It sounds like you've already done a lot to help him, but at some point he needs to get his act together and stop sponging off kind-hearted family members. I think it's wonderful for people to help those who can't help themselves ~ but I think it's inconsiderate for people who CAN help themselves to exploit the good will of others, and I don't think you need to feel the least bit guilty about putting the well-being of your own family above that of a grown man who refuses to act like a grown up.

 

Jackie

[Tree House Academy]

No. Unfortunately, I think that taking him in all the time is giving him a "crutch." Sometimes you have to be put in a position of sink or swim before you learn how to "swim."

 

What a tough situation to have come up right now. I am sorry!

[RoughCollie]

I would tell your BIL that you are unable to accommodate him right now.

 

Your husband just got laid off. Unless your BIL is planning to pay fair market value for renting a room, plus his share of the utilities and food, in a regularly agreed upon manner and on time, I would say no. I would also say no if he did not have his own transportation and do his share of communal and personal household chores.

 

We had someone living with us for 2 years, and it changes the family dynamic. Although that person became a friend over that time, I will not do it again as long as the children are living here. (In our case, the kids' Sunday school teacher asked to stay with us for 3 days and ended up living with us for 2 years.)

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I would do one of 2 things:

 

1. Just say a very loving "no". Let him know you love him, but, you aren't able to do it at this time. And then own the decision and refuse to feel guilty about it.

 

2. Say "yes" with a TON of boundaries written on paper and signed by all involved. Boundaries including: what will happen regarding transportation, how much money he will be contributing to the family (I would require some money that realistically meets your needs), what will happen regarding his food, etc. and what he will contribute for that.

 

If he doesn't meet these requirements, he needs to leave.

 

These would be my 2 choices.

[TravelingChris]

I can't see letting any other person in the household when you are living so close to the edge and your husband just got laid off. But what really surprised me is your list of things he needs- one of them being cigarettes. Why would you use your meager unemployment earnings and other small amounts to buy BIL cigarettes? Forget that they are bad for you, they are also very expensive.