So tired of "you're not from around here" vent

[Renee in NC]

It's a lot better now than it used to be. We moved here 10 years ago, and people have been very friendly to us. I live in the same region as Laurie4b, and truth be told, there are now more d*** yankees than native Carolinians here. They even have a town named for us, although my family doesn't live there: Cary, Containment Area for Relocated Yankees. :D

 

:iagree:

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

I was born there and what she says is very true of the Triangle area. You forgot the "half-backs" though - those Yankees who moved to FL first and then went halfway back to the northeast.:D

 

I am teasing because one of my best friends in NC is from "up north.":tongue_smilie:

[NavyWifeandMommy]

I can relate and it really does bite. We had something similar here happen to us. We just stopped going to that church and now we attend a few on and off. Sending you virtal hugs. :grouphug:

[mom4him]

Dh's job transfered us almost 5 YEARS ago. We have tried diligently to find a church home, settle into the community, and put down roots. We have invited people over, called the folks we have numbers for, and tried to be friendly and welcoming. To no avail....... We had folks over last night for dinner and games. The oldest daughter was not there because she was attending a conference with the other girls from church. No one thought to invite, or mention it, to my daughter. The girls met at Starbucks last Sunday after church, no one included my dd. There have been numerous bbqs, craftings, etc., that no one thinks to invite us. But, come Sunday, they laugh and talk about how much fun they all had together.

 

I finally mentioned this to the pastor's wife and another lady. They couldn't understand why I was not happy about it because I wasn't part of the core group. Back to last night.....We were told that many families were at the church from the beginning, it will take 3 or 4 years for us to become "a part of things"

 

Homeschool cover (required by law here). . . . .We have a pool. I invited the cover families who live close by to come swimming. No one did. The reason, "it takes a few years to get involved"

 

Meanwhile, life goes on. Birthday parties with no guests. Christmas cookie making with no cookie exchange. Illnesses, crises with no outside support or encouragement. Joyful events with no one to invite. I'm just tired of it!!!

 

So, what do I do? I'm not born and raised here. I won't always live here (for which I 'm beginning to be thankful). How do I make friends, or at least meet folks to spend some time with?

Is the whole community this way or is it the church you are going to? Sad to say many churches are VERY clicky. I went to a church for 25 yrs, was the praise and worship leader for 3, headed up the nursery for 5 but was excluded from many functions that were 'for the leadership'. It hurts, a....lot.....

My kids and I are no longer going to this church.(not because of any of these things.) It is such a relief to be in a body that is truly interested in my dc and myself and are willing to share their lives with us and have us share ours with them.

Continue to pray, walk in constant forgiveness(not an easy one) and know that God will lead you.

[cathmom]

:iagree:

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

 

I am teasing because one of my best friends in NC is from "up north.":tongue_smilie:

 

:D

[Kim in Appalachia]

Do you perhaps live in Stepford? I remember the movie and when the new families would be excluded until the wives were assimilated. Maybe you are safer away from them:D

 

.

 

:lol::lol:

[TravelingChris]

To a PP who said that church is not a social network and we can't depend on it to make friends. Well I disagree completely about the nature of the church. If all we need is Biblical teaching, we can sit at home, read our Bible, and read great commentaries or listen on the web. Church should be a fellowship community and I am so disturbed about reading of all these unwelcoming communities of worship. In my view, it is so antithetical to a true Christian community. In 2006 I moved to a small town in Florida. Many of the people at the church we attended and joined were original members of the church. The Sunday School I joined had been meeting for over 20 years. Many of the kids grew up together and were now adults. I am getting teary eyed over how welcoming these people were. Yes, most were Southerners including our very welcoming minister and his wife. (FLorida southern, not Miami Beach). People talked to us right away. NOt just greet us at the door, but engage us in conversation. My 13 yo was allowed to join the adult choir. IN the two and a half years we were there, dd was fully incorporated into the youth group, my dh into the men's group, and I joined a book club. DH even joined a church committee. I never felt excluded.

My new church is not quite as friendly as it is much larger. BUt I and many others make sure that anyone sitting or standing alone is approached and welcomed and start conversing. OUr pastor keeps talking about how for our Christian walk it is important to have fellow travelers.

[SusanAR]

I think the situation that the OP is referring to most often happens in communities that are not very transient. Communities where people have lived for several generations tend not to be as welcoming, generally speaking, that places where people move in and out.

 

It sounds to me as if you've landed in a place where people have not had the benefit of living in different places. Moving around is a pain, but it also opens one's eyes to the different cultures that exist even within the country.

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, I believe living in a town that isn't transient makes it very difficult to fit in. (Where I live there are many 3rd/4th generation farmers). I differ from the OP in that I AM the pastor's wife;). We have been here 3.5 years, and I still find it hard to fit in!

Edited February 1, 2010 by SusanAR

[QueenCat]

Yes, this is why I have told my dh I never want to live in an area that doesn't have a military base close by! People who move around a lot generally tend to be more open to the world around them, and more accepting of newcomers, than people who have always and forever been a part of their small community.

 

That said, I do think people in the South have more issues with this, even with military bases nearby. We have very good friends who were stationed in Florida on the Gulf Coast, and they were never able to break into the ranks of their church either. Fortunately, they were able to move away after 3 years, and they certainly never looked back!

 

I live in a military town. Since we are not military, and aren't from here, it is has been much harder to find a circle of friends then when we lived in an area that was transient but not military. I really do think that it is wonderful for the military spouses to have each other when their hubbies/wives are deployed but to automatically exclude someone because they aren't is just weird. Especially if one chooses to live off post. My dh works on post, and served in the Coast Guard years ago but some have the audacity to say he didn't really serve. The more annoying problem is the locals that continually say "you're not from around here", "that's not how we do it", etc. We can't win here, it is very hard.

[KidsHappen]

That said, I do think people in the South have more issues with this, even with military bases nearby. We have very good friends who were stationed in Florida on the Gulf Coast, and they were never able to break into the ranks of their church either. Fortunately, they were able to move away after 3 years, and they certainly never looked back!

 

Wow, I have found just the opposite to be true. The farther north I lived the harder it was to not be considered an outsider whereas almost everyone in FL is from somewhere else. The only people I have ever met who were born in FL live somewhere else, and while TX does have lots of natives it is also very welcoming to newcomers. I currently live in TN and have for almost 7 years now. I found it difficult at first but nowhere near as difficult as say WI or MA.

[QueenCat]

snip.... I currently live in TN and have for almost 7 years now. I found it difficult at first but nowhere near as difficult as say WI or MA.

 

We're in TN too. NW of Nashville. Our tutorial is almost in Nashville, and much better as far as people being open to newcomers than where we live. Worth the 35 minute drive! It has taken much longer to get settled here than elsewhere, overall. It was much easier in Georgia....