Sorry...big, long extended-family vent...

[Julie in CA]

My dh is one of 7 brothers. Between all of the nieces & nephews, there have been 4 big family weddings in the last 7 months. Some of my dh's brothers and their families travel to our area for the weddings, and they always stay at our house. I love entertaining and enjoy having the large crowd here. Including our family, it ends up being about 30 people (8 adults and the rest are kids). The 4 couples each have a bedroom with a huge bed, and the kids flop on my family and living room floors.

 

The balance has shifted. The kids are growing up, and now one of them is bringing their new spouse. Fine. One of the others though, is 19 and is bringing his new girlfriend with him. To stay at our house (though not in the same bed). I have a couple of petty problems with this.

 

#1. This wedding is severely limited in size, and the girlfriend has not been invited. Nephew is insistent that she come, but is not planning to ask if there's room for her or let anyone know he's bringing along an uninvited guest. When my sil told me about this, she said, "well, he's determined to have her come, and there's nothing I can do." Uhm....okay. I think it's incredibly rude, and I wish she would point out to him that mature love doesn't need to be together every single moment, and that they can live without each other for the roughly 48 hours that he'll be gone.

 

#2. I have a very conservative viewpoint, and the entire family knows this. I don't intend to allow teens living in my house to travel on overnight trips with their bf/gf. I know not everyone feels this way, but I'm feeling...irked that they will be staying under my roof. They didn't ask. I didn't invite the gf. I don't want two "romancers" to be included in the group of cousins sleeping in my family room. At the same time, they know me as being extremely hospitable always, and perhaps they thought that would outweigh the awkwardness I might feel about the situation? Or perhaps they just didn't care how we would feel about it? {sigh}

 

#3. This one is about one of the other brothers and his family of 7. When we spoke 2 months ago, they asked if it was they could stay with us (as usual) for the next wedding (the one this weekend). I love the happy chaos of all of the families staying here, so of course I told them we'd be so glad to have them! They are supposed to arrive Friday, but a different sil let me know today that she thinks they're not planning to stay here after all, but rather spend the night in a hotel close to the church. That would be fine (though we'd miss them), but *why on earth don't they just let me know* so that I could offer that room to other out-of-town company who will otherwise have to pay for a room somewhere else?! :banghead:

 

Okay, I know I'm not probably being very rational, and especially not very nice. That's why I'm sayin' it all here--letting it all hang out, so that I don't vent my irrationality to family. If you've actually read this, I apologize. I'm not usually this {fill in the blank}. I'm gonna wander off and go do some deep breathing exercises now...........:leaving:

Edited January 6, 2010 by Julie in CA

[elegantlion]

I don't know about the other issues but if you are close to the nephew I'd pull him aside and privately converse about how you feel about NOT being asked if it were okay to bring girlfriend.

 

I'd probably make a point to make her feel comfortable though, she could be family down the road.

 

I come from a smaller family. The first trip I took with dh we were not married and we stayed at a cousin's apartment (we we both adults over 21). We went to visit his grandmother and most of his family that weekend. I was so nervous and even more uncomfortable when I walked into Grandma's kitchen and spied a photo of dh and his ex-girlfriend. Grandma (who is still sharp as a tack 20 years later) noticed my distress and promptly announced in front of the whole family that she enjoyed seeing my dh, but needed an updated photo. I loved her from that moment. She made ME, the outsider, feel important.

 

All that to say, I wouldn't take your frustration out on her, but let your feelings be known to your nephew.

[happyhomemaker25]

I would not allow the GF to stay. Technically she is not family. You were not asked. It is something you do not agree with. It is your house. Period. I don't think it's inhospitable to say that she can not stay at your house.

The other issues you can probably work around.

[Julie in CA]

I don't know about the other issues but if you are close to the nephew I'd pull him aside and privately converse about how you feel about NOT being asked if it were okay to bring girlfriend.

 

I'd probably make a point to make her feel comfortable though, she could be family down the road.

 

I come from a smaller family. The first trip I took with dh we were not married and we stayed at a cousin's apartment (we we both adults over 21). We went to visit his grandmother and most of his family that weekend. I was so nervous and even more uncomfortable when I walked into Grandma's kitchen and spied a photo of dh and his ex-girlfriend. Grandma (who is still sharp as a tack 20 years later) noticed my distress and promptly announced in front of the whole family that she enjoyed seeing my dh, but needed an updated photo. I loved her from that moment. She made ME, the outsider, feel important.

 

All that to say, I wouldn't take your frustration out on her, but let your feelings be known to your nephew.

Oh, I'd never *ever* be less than kind to her (or really, anyone, lol!) It's not really her fault, other than being young (she's only 17, I think) and not probably having enough guidance about what would be a more polite choice. I'm just feeling a little...grumpy, at the moment. Perhaps taken for granted a little? It's not exactly a snap to prepare meals and lodging for 30 or so people for a few days, though I love doing it. I'm not looking for kudos, just to not feel trampled on, kwim?

 

Thanks for letting me vent a little though, without the condemnation I always feel will come if I let my feelings loose a little. I probably just need one (or more) of these: :chillpill: Or even these: :cheers2: Anyone wanna tip a Mike's on my behalf? (I don't have any!) :D

[tex-mex]

Make the (cousins) girls sleep in one room and the boys in the other? Separate the bf/gf??

[Julie in CA]

Make the (cousins) girls sleep in one room and the boys in the other? Separate the bf/gf??

Yeah, it's not that I think something will "happen" under my roof, I'm just not thrilled with a change in atmosphere & status quo. I'm also feeling a little disgruntled about not being asked in the first place.

 

You are right, I will feel better if we make a point about having a "boys room" and a "girls room."

 

Thanks. :001_smile:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would be grumpy because I would guess that he didn't ask you about bringing his gf for the same reason he's not asking /telling the bride and groom about her. The old "it's better to ask forgiveness than permission" thing.

[SonshineLearner]

Seriously, to a wedding, don't you always invite your guest and their choice of guest? (spouse, friend, date)??

I can't imagine limiting someone to coming solo...

As far as at your house, he's young, not mature yet... and probably just needs a gentle heads up about letting you know/asking you. :-)

[Danestress]

I do think that generally it's more polite and correct when you invite a single man to a wedding to include in the invitation ability to bring a date. Of course, your relatives probably don't think of your son as "a single man." They think of him a your kid. But more and more, they need to start treating him the way they would treat any adult man, and I think one generally contacts potential guests (or doesn't need to because the knowledge is already there) to find out the name and address of any significant other for an invitation.

 

So I think, actually, that this problem could be avoided by honoring him as an adult.

 

But I don't think you need to have guests at your house that you don't want. And I think that since this girl was NOT invited, that you are well within your rights to tell them that you are not going to participate in having your son bring her with no invitation because you think that reflects badly on you. If they think that they are adults and that what they do does not reflect on you, then they are all grown up and can pay for a hotel:) Of course, you don't want that. You don't want them in a hotel. You want him to do what you want because you are his mother.

 

This is a hard age to parent sometimes!

Edited January 7, 2010 by Danestress

[cougarmom4]

Make the (cousins) girls sleep in one room and the boys in the other? Separate the bf/gf??

 

:iagree: Just state matter-of-factly that the downstairs rec room & bathroom are for the girls; the living room floor & guest bath are for guys...and then stick to your guns. I think you are being so gracious that nobody would think to question you (well, they shouldn't!).

 

I'd also give the brother & family of 7 a phone call and kindly mention you'd heard they might not be staying at the house...say you're more than welcome to again...and if they still prefer the hotel, say, okay, then I'm going to offer the room to so and so.

[Starr]

I always thought traditionally the only date you brought to a wedding was a fiance. The kind where there was a ring and a date.

[Julie in CA]

I do think that generally it's more polite and correct when you invite a single man to a wedding to include in the invitation ability to bring a date. Of course, your relatives probably don't think of your son as "a single man." They think of him a your kid. But more and more, they need to start treating him the way they would treat any adult man, and I think one generally contacts potential guests (or doesn't need to because the knowledge is already there) to find out the name and address of any significant other for an invitation.

 

So I think, actually, that this problem could be avoided by honoring him as an adult.

 

But I don't think you need to have guests at your house that you don't want. And I think that since this girl was NOT invited, that you are well within your rights to tell them that you are not going to participate in having your son bring her with no invitation because you think that reflects badly on you. If they think that they are adults and that what they do does not reflect on you, then they are all grown up and can pay for a hotel:) Of course, you don't want that. You don't want them in a hotel. You want him to do what you want because you are his mother.

 

This is a hard age to parent sometimes!

I value your words of wisdom. Thank you. :001_smile:

It's my dh's nephew that's doing this, not my son. The family tradition has been to specifically invite "significant others," but not to leave the invitation open for random dates. Right or wrong, for this occasion, the budget of the bride's family and venue room size precluded inviting *anyone* extra.

[Julie in CA]

I always thought traditionally the only date you brought to a wedding was a fiance. The kind where there was a ring and a date.

That has been the tradition in my dh's family.

[QueenCat]

Two separate issues here.... For the first, have the girls in one area, the boys in the other with a firm time for no more back and forth. Have your husband sleep with the guys, perhaps? Second issue, the date to the wedding, is not something you can control. Does your family normally do name cards at seats (common at weddings)? Wondering why nephew's parents aren't teaching him how it is rude, and will cause family problems. You could subtly drop a line to the hosts of the wedding, along the lines of "I'm look forward to meeting dear nephew's girlfriend, are you?". Granted that might cause problems to but at least they'd be prepared and it might offset a scene at the wedding, where there might not be a place for the girl to sit!

[torikei]

My house is "The House" too! My pet peeve is when they decide to stay in a hotel and don't bother to tell you! I've also had to deal with parents dropping their kids off while they stay with other friends in the area. "The kids are just so sad if they don't stay with you!" My least favorite thing is the really negative political discussions.

 

I've finally had to set some boundaries. Setting boundaries had been a really good thing for me. I was starting to get rather resentful and wasn't enjoying my family. I don't think they really meant to be so thoughtless. They just assume I can deal with it all--not that they'd ever want to deal with it personally themselves. They just assume I can--especially since I already have six children.

 

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

 

Tori

[Julie in CA]

My house is "The House" too! My pet peeve is when they decide to stay in a hotel and don't bother to tell you! I've also had to deal with parents dropping their kids off while they stay with other friends in the area. "The kids are just so sad if they don't stay with you!" My least favorite thing is the really negative political discussions.

 

I've finally had to set some boundaries. Setting boundaries had been a really good thing for me. I was starting to get rather resentful and wasn't enjoying my family. I don't think they really meant to be so thoughtless. They just assume I can deal with it all--not that they'd ever want to deal with it personally themselves. They just assume I can--especially since I already have six children.

 

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

 

Tori

:grouphug: Thanks! Wow, you really *do* understand! I'm not wildly excited either when people leave their kids with me and then stay somewhere else. I understand that it would be more fun for the kids, but I'd prefer to be hostess, and not babysitter (when I have a choice ;) )

You don't live close enough that we could be IRL friends. Bummer. :001_smile:

[torikei]

:grouphug: Thanks! Wow, you really *do* understand! I'm not wildly excited either when people leave their kids with me and then stay somewhere else. I understand that it would be more fun for the kids, but I'd prefer to be hostess, and not babysitter (when I have a choice ;) )

You don't live close enough that we could be IRL friends. Bummer. :001_smile:

 

 

I wouldn't mind living in California right now ;) You know the funny thing is I'm the chef/baker in our family. I know you are an awesome cook--perhaps it's not our conversation that draws everyone to our homes. Maybe they're just hungry :D.

 

P.S. It would be super to have you as an IRL friend.

[Aggie]

The issue we've had to deal with in dh's family is setting a precedent. If we allowed his brother and his g/f to spend the night once, we'd set ourselves up for allowing it again. Not to mention the liberties other family members might take because of our stance that ONE time.

 

Do you think the other cousins might expect to take advantage of your hospitality in this same way (bringing b/f and g/f to spend the night) in the future?

[Julie in CA]

I wouldn't mind living in California right now ;) You know the funny thing is I'm the chef/baker in our family. I know you are an awesome cook--perhaps it's not our conversation that draws everyone to our homes. Maybe they're just hungry :D.

 

P.S. It would be super to have you as an IRL friend.

Hee hee! Yes, I've heard that I have a reputation as a person who "feeds" people. Between my restaurant baking job, and my occasional job as a caterer's helper, and my reputation for "cooking big" for church events, well...hungry people seem to find me. Thankfully, we've been blessed (so far) to have the resources to provide food for many, and often. :)

[Sonshine]

Well, aside from any rudeness involved in other's contributions to the situation, your children and their cousins are becoming older. They will have girlfriends, boyfriends, and/or fiancees at some point. Whatever style of dating/courtship those in your family practice, most people don't just wake up married one day. You were going to have to deal with this sooner or later. I would hate to end that all cousins and innocent all sleeping in the same room too, but it had to happen eventually. You feel like you are being forced to adjust your style of extended family togetherness earlier than you had planned on, but you might as well figure out what your new plan is and go with it. I think it is wonderful that your children and their cousins are so close and enjoy being together so much.

[jld]

Your house, your rules.

[2cents]

I think that the young man's family might be putting the burden of being the 'bad guy' on you. Maybe they think that you'll not allow her to stay and that way she won't come to the wedding? I think the young man's family should have made their wishes clearer.

 

However, I also think it is customary to allow singles to bring a date. This girl is more than a date too since they are gf/bf. In the interest of keeping peace, I would treat this couple as adults but put them in separate rooms for sleeping. Hopefully they will understand that around the other folks they need to mind their manners but if they don't, a reminder might be in order.

 

As for the large family that might not be coming, you got that info secondhand so that might not even accurate. I would shoot them an email and just ask them if they are coming because you heard that they may be thinking of staying nearer the church and you have other family that could use the room.

 

Deep breaths. :grouphug: