If you were married to my husband, how would you encourage him/build him up?

[Sahamamama]

Sorry about the long-winded title to this thread. My husband is sleeping... so sweet. He is wonderful. He is good, he is a great husband and a fantastic father, and he has been on my heart lately....

 

How do I explain? It feels as though something has shifted in the past few months between him and his parents. I can't tell if it's resignation or a new-found independence.

 

We live in NJ, they are in CA. The distance is a good thing, according to my husband. I agree. They are... intense. ;) To be with them is an unbelievably stressful experience. My husband is nearly 40 years old, and they are still telling him what to eat/not eat and when to put a jacket on.

 

We live in a small house, because that's what we can afford. When they saw our house for the first time, they said, "What were you thinking? Why did you buy this house? Our grandchildren deserve something better." :001_huh:

 

My husband recently finished up his college degree, and his parents came for the graduation. Afterward, at his graduation celebration, his brother, my parents, and I all told him how proud we were of him. His parents asked, "When are you getting your Master's degree? This little B.S. isn't enough for you. You should have been a doctor by now." :001_huh:

 

We live on a tight budget, and this past summer, we didn't have a van (bad brakes). So, during the week, I couldn't go anywhere with the girls, because you can't fit three car seats/boosters in the back seat of our car. Instead of asking us how our summer was going, my husband's parents were upset that "their grandchildren" weren't going for swimming lessons. "What? You mean they don't go to swimming lessons? Your brother's son goes to swimming lessons...."

 

It goes on and on and on this way. Each time they call, they ask him, "Did you lose weight yet? Are you working out every day? Your brother lost weight last time we saw a picture of him, but you looked so heavy in the photo you attached to your email. When are you going to lose weight?" On and on and on...

 

I've asked him about confronting them. He said he did this once, back in his twenties, when he and his dad went ONE TIME to a counselor. In that one session, my husband said he felt as though his dad had never been proud of him, had never said he was pleased with him. After that session, his father was offended and angry for weeks. My husband said that's how his father always reacts to any criticism, and he realized it was never going to bear fruit to pursue a change in their relationship.

 

He has never confronted his parents about any of their behavior towards us. I agree that it's probably pointless. He has put them off many times from coming to visit us again, and he comes up with "reasons" for why we aren't going out there to visit them. I used to think that he missed them, but avoided having them come here for my sake (they are unkind to me, to say the least). Now I'm not so sure.

 

My husband seems to have changed on the inside -- as if he's made this emotional break from needing them to be pleased with him and his life. My question for The Hive is, now that he's come to this place in his heart and life, how can I encourage him and build him up?

 

What I mean is, I think he's satisfied with his life ON HIS OWN, and not in need of any parental approval -- which he's not going to get, anyway. I think he's ready to measure and manage his own life, satisfied with his work, his wife, his children, and himself. It feels, too, as though this means that MY role is changing -- as though he's ready now to really hear me say, "Well done, David."

 

If you have any experience with this, then please share how to build up the heart of a man who has NEVER heard a sincere, complete "well done" from his parents (and never will). What could I do or say to support him?

 

I love him, and I am proud of him. How can I let him know?

 

Sincerely,

David's Wife :001_wub:

[IsabelC]

Show him this post? :001_smile:

His parents sound way toxic, it's hard but he will surely be better off avoiding too much contact with them.

[dragons in the flower bed]

If you have any experience with this, then please share how to build up the heart of a man who has NEVER heard a sincere, complete "well done" from his parents (and never will). What could I do or say to support him?

 

My partner has recently resigned himself to never having acknowledgment from his parents. I find it encourages him when I catch him doing for our kids the things his mother and father never have and never will do for him.

[KidsHappen]

Well, start by just telling him. I also write lists of the reason I love my hubby. I leave messages on his phone, IM him or send him and email when I am thinking of him. I brag about him to our kids. I whisper in his ear when we are out and about. Basically I just let him see, hear, feel and know that I love him and that I am proud of him and happy with him just the way he is. As a matter of fact, I think I will send him a quick IM right now. :)

[Kathleen in VA]

I think one of the best things you can do is just show gratefulness for everything he provides for you. Sounds like you're already doing this, but it's all I could think of. I've read that if men know that their wives are happy, they are happy, too. Just be content with the limitations you live with - the tight budget, the small house, etc. and verbalize your appreciation from time to time. Be happy and cheerful and grateful. Like I said, it sounds like you already are doing that so I'm not much help, am I?:)

[Sahamamama]

I think one of the best things you can do is just show gratefulness for everything he provides for you. Sounds like you're already doing this, but it's all I could think of. I've read that if men know that their wives are happy, they are happy, too. Just be content with the limitations you live with - the tight budget, the small house, etc. and verbalize your appreciation from time to time. Be happy and cheerful and grateful. Like I said, it sounds like you already are doing that so I'm not much help, am I?:)

 

Actually, Kathleen, you are always a great help and encourager -- here and on your blog. BTW, we made those Roman recipes you sent us last year. Remember?

 

Thanks for the advice about David.

[Alicia64]

Sadly, I know more about this topic then I wish I knew.

 

Bricks would come off of both of your shoulders if you learned as much as possible about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

 

We all have narcissistic tendencies, but having a full blow personality disorder is much more. It's not good to be a child of an N. You never do anything right, the N's never acknowledge anything positve, on and on and on.

 

Once I got a true handle on my N parents, I learned to maintain light, rather superficial contact -- and my life felt SO MUCH better for it.

 

Confronting them is not the answer -- it makes N's so much worse. They will not get better basically no matter what happens or who "confronts" them.

 

For your dh to realize that he was always going to an empty well is a start. The next best thing is to congratulate him for choosing such an amazing wife. Many children of N's choose N partners -- which is just more drama and heart ache. He did good by 1) moving far, far away and 2) choosing you.

 

Read everything on line you can. Then re-read every chance you get. It's easy to forget and slip into old patterns w/ N's.

 

Good luck! Great lives can come from N households.

 

Alley

[Jean in Newcastle]

I noticed that you have Christian curriculum so I'll give a Christian answer, ok? I would support him by encouraging him to look at the Bible for how God thinks of him. Neil Anderson has some good books on how God views us.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Victory-Over-Darkness-Realizing-Identity/dp/0830725644

[Rosie_0801]

Do what you do already, but where more people can hear. My dh loves it if he hears me telling someone else what a great bloke he is, or if my Facebook status is praising him in some way :)

 

I'm so glad your hubby has come to this place. It's taken lots of work for mine too, and my inlaws aren't/weren't even as bad as yours! (But bad enough...)

 

Rosie

[Sahamamama]

Confronting them is not the answer -- it makes N's so much worse. They will not get better basically no matter what happens or who "confronts" them.

 

For your dh to realize that he was always going to an empty well is a start. The next best thing is to congratulate him for choosing such an amazing wife. Many children of N's choose N partners -- which is just more drama and heart ache. He did good by 1) moving far, far away and 2) choosing you.

 

Good luck! Great lives can come from N households.

 

Alley

 

:grouphug: I mean that, sincerely.

 

Thanks for the advice about reading up on NPD. I think you are on to something I had not considered. Good advice!

 

I agree, confrontation is pointless. It just creates a lot of emotion that does nothing to alter behavior. Last year, when my husband only began to confront them about something, his father said to him, "How can you tell us that we are wrong about anything? We are your parents. Your mother will get upset, and you know how her heart is, and if anything happens, it will be your fault." I personally heard him say this. It was surreal.

 

And, thanks for the compliment! Yes, I do think that my husband did WELL in marrying me, LOL! Thanks for the vote, Alley! :D And, yes, we do have the ability to create a beautiful life together, if we learn how to nurture each other. My husband recently told me, "You know, Honey, I've never had any depth in my relationships with my family. I'm learning how to be deep." It was kind of funny when he said it, but now I'm not sure he was joking, KWIM? He really IS learning how to connect on a deeper level (than just playing ping-pong), and to find complete approval and a home for his heart.

 

You know, I just realized: My name is "Beth Ann." That's Hebrew for "Home of Grace." Hmmmm..... where my parents prophetic?

[Sahamamama]

I noticed that you have Christian curriculum so I'll give a Christian answer, ok? I would support him by encouraging him to look at the Bible for how God thinks of him. Neil Anderson has some good books on how God views us.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Victory-Over-Darkness-Realizing-Identity/dp/0830725644

 

Thanks, Jean! GREAT resource, that is exactly what we both need to read and study and live out. As I read through the TOC, each chapter seems to leap out as though it speaks directly to this aspect of our lives. We do need this book, I'm going to order it tomorrow. Thank you!

[Impish]

I agree with the post about NPD parents. Wolf's mother *and mine* are both NPD to the extreme.

 

Moving far away is a blessing.

 

I find that in some respects, as much as I believe in being submissive to my dh (no flames please!) he needs missed mothering. He looks to me for encouragement, approval, to help him heal old festering wounds.

 

I tell him how proud I am of him, how proud I am to be his wife, how grateful I am to be the one by his side. I tell him what a wonderful father he is.

 

It helps to be a bit of a mind reader too. I can tell when his mother's called, or he's thinking of old criticisms. Those are the times when he needs positive affirmation (without gushing!) the most. For my dh, all the growing up with a single NPD mother left him feeling completely worthless. He feels that he doesn't deserve the wife and family he has. That's something I've found is our biggest battleground in a sense. I've learned to stand up and call 'BS' when he's getting into one of those funks, when demons planted by his mother arise, and hold a true mirror of who he is and his worth in front of him. I remind him that I married him for HIM, not his job title, earning capacity, etc etc.

 

Big :grouphug: to you and him.

[Kimm in WA]

Having dealt with the exact same type of parent, I highly recommend two books.

 

Toxic Parents

and

Margin

 

 

HTH,

Kimm

[Sahamamama]

Having dealt with the exact same type of parent, I highly recommend two books.

 

Toxic Parents

and

Margin

 

 

HTH,

Kimm

 

Kimm, thanks for the book recs. I'll look into them.

[Kathleen in VA]

Actually, Kathleen, you are always a great help and encourager -- here and on your blog. BTW, we made those Roman recipes you sent us last year. Remember?

 

Thanks for the advice about David.

 

Yes, I do remember, now that you reminded me.:) I've got a horrible memory, but I'm glad you were encouraged by my blog and that you got some use out of the recipes. You encouraged me, too - thanks.:)

[katemary63]

I haven't read the other posts yet but...We've BTDT! Same exact story.

 

I actually wrote a letter to my DH "from" his parents. It was titled What I Would Say to T.H. if I Were his Parents and it started out, Dear Son,.

I filled it with all the "well dones" and "good jobs" that he deserved but never heard, listing all his successes and stating how proud "we" were of him. I signed it, Your Loving Parents, Mom and Dad. I think it helped him to realize that it is THEM who had the problem and not HIM who was lacking in any way. He could see what they COULD have chosen to say to him and compare it to what they actually say to him. Yes, it is painfull to comprehend. But...it is the truth and helped him place the blame on them and feel a whole lot better about himself.

 

I'm so sorry for your DH. What a tragedy that they don't see the good man he is. Shame on them.

[jenL]

I completely understand all that both of you have been going through with your Dh's parents. My DH has the same type of parents, and it has only been recently where he's been able to accept that he will never get what he needs from them. He's turned to God and the Bible, and he has a great mentor at our church who has helped him tremendously on this walk. He still communicates with his family, but he's able to shrug things off whereas before he was hurt so he tried to avoid them altogether (which caused more issues).

 

I have always encouraged him, praised him, and stood by him through everything. If your DH seems to have have "found" his independence, and you've noticed a change, then you are probably already doing everything he needs to support him which has helped him get to this point. Just continue to love him and let him know how wonderful he is to you and your children. How thankful you are for his work to support your family... put notes in his lunch, or hide them in his drawer. Little reminders of his "greatness" will keep him confident and show him he's #1 with you.

 

As a wife, you must be feeling so much joy toward him as you watch him "grow". Congratulations to both of you!

[Kanga]

You have already received some great advice. I just wanted to add from someone who has BTDT, that some people that come from this background have a hard time accepting praise, so you need to sneek in under the radar. May not apply to your husband, but thought I would share just in case.

 

For example:

"I noticed that you shoveled the drive way (indisputable fact, can't put up praise deflector shield). That is going to make getting to the doctor's early tomorrow so much easier for me (another indisputable fact and you have now given solid evidence to establish the credibility of your praise). Thank you for clearing off the drive way. I feel blessed to have such a thoughtful husband! (He can't dispute how you feel).

[Sahamamama]

You have already received some great advice. I just wanted to add from someone who has BTDT, that some people that come from this background have a hard time accepting praise, so you need to sneek in under the radar. May not apply to your husband, but thought I would share just in case.

 

For example:

"I noticed that you shoveled the drive way (indisputable fact, can't put up praise deflector shield). That is going to make getting to the doctor's early tomorrow so much easier for me (another indisputable fact and you have now given solid evidence to establish the credibility of your praise). Thank you for clearing off the drive way. I feel blessed to have such a thoughtful husband! (He can't dispute how you feel).

 

Thanks, Kanga. Yes, this does help, because my husband will often "deflect praise" with a shrug and "Oh, that's nothing." But you're right! If I do what you suggested, he can't blow it off. Thanks!

[Sahamamama]

As a wife, you must be feeling so much joy toward him as you watch him "grow".

 

Yes. It is like watching a rose stretch out into the sunlight. It is like watching the sun gloriously rise up over the ocean waves. It is like going through old files and photos, and realizing that a hard and painful season of life is gone... so it's okay to throw some "stuff" away! :D My husband is getting rid of baggage... in a good way. I am happy for him! He's always been a happy, funny, and upbeat man, but he's even happier these days! :001_smile:

 

Thanks for the encouragement.

[Redrapunzel]

WOW. I am not sure if I am happy to not be alone or really sad that others are dealing with the same insanity. Bless your soul! I totally understand what you are dealing with. I bought "Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism" and reading that REALLY helped. I read several passages to my husband, then I gave it to him to read. It helped hearing from someone besides me that his family is honestly, totally NUTS! I am a nurse and I have worked on the psych unit. The last time I had to deal with his family, I looked at him in shock and disbelief and told him that I had called and gotten orders to give injections of anti psychotic medication to LOTS of people who were more stable and well adjusted than his family was at that moment. It was sincere and I still stand by it too.

 

I do differ in how I deal with it in that I am no ones door mat and if they go after him or my children I am on them like white on rice. NO ONE messes with my husband or my children. I do not care who you are. I have chewed out every member of his family more than once. I have told my husband when it happens and why I did it each time. I will never forget the first time I yelled at his dad. I thought he was going to have a stoke. He was screaming at me and his wife and calling us idiots over something that he did. I let him have it with both barrels and he about dropped dead of shock. No one stands up to him in their family. Each time I have a run in with them I tell him the same thing. No one talks to me like that and no one talks about my husband like that! It is not deserved, it is unkind and I will not tolerate it. Hubby understands this. I also point out to him that it is not emotionally healthy or fair to allow people to be abusive. There is no special place in heaven for the best enabler. Fostering wicked behavior is NOT a virtue.

 

When we first met he thought his mother was a poor victim and his father was the mean one. Now he understands that his mother and her constant enabling have shaped his dad into the monster he has become. He does not like his family and I can't stand them. Hubby is 1000% better emotionally than when we first got married. I make sure that he knows he is loved beyond words with the way I look after him and the children. I find with him it works best if he is being hard on himself to run down the reality of the situation. Example, if he says "I need to loose weight. I am fat and too lazy to work out like I need to". My reply, You are right honey. What a lazy lard butt you are. It's not like you work 50-60 hours a week, have a wife and 3 small kids, many projects at home, are in your late 30's now and oh gee, recovering from major spinal surgery!

 

When I take this tact and present the facts to him, he rolls his eyes at me, but he listens more than when I try to put it in a sweet, supportive girlie way.

[Sahamamama]

I find with him it works best if he is being hard on himself to run down the reality of the situation. Example, if he says "I need to loose weight. I am fat and too lazy to work out like I need to". My reply, You are right honey. What a lazy lard butt you are. It's not like you work 50-60 hours a week, have a wife and 3 small kids, many projects at home, are in your late 30's now and oh gee, recovering from major spinal surgery!

 

When I take this tact and present the facts to him, he rolls his eyes at me, but he listens more than when I try to put it in a sweet, supportive girlie way.

 

Hey, it turns out that you ARE married to my husband! :lol: He says the same thing, I say (almost) the same thing. I do leave out the "lard butt" part, but otherwise, it's the same scenario -- 50-60 hours of work, not counting the commute or work he brings home; three small girls who want to spend time with Daddy when he is home; and an old house that always has something falling apart/clogging/oozing sewage. Lovely. And he is going to be 40 next April. Same man. Different location.

 

I agree, though, presenting the facts does seem to help him see that he is a bit too locked into making a living right now to become the tall, thin, buff athlete that his parents want him to be.... (shhh, it's a secret, he'll never be tall.... oh, and he's built like a solid cube, so he'll never actually look thin, no matter how fit he gets). Not only does he not have the geometry for that, he doesn't have the time. Truly.

 

Thanks for the tips!

[Alice]

One year for Valentine's Day I wrote out 100 things I loved about my dh. Neither of us are very expressive normally about things like that and I think because of that it really meant a lot to him. He also said it meant a lot to him to know that a lot of the things I loved were just who he was instead of things the world says is important (For example...I love that he is the guy at church that everyone knows to go to with a problem in the building because he's always willing to try and help fix it. I love that he's sacrificed his own career t stay home part-time with our kids. NOT how he looks or how much money he makes or what things he can "provide" us.)

[Kathleen in VA]

One year for Valentine's Day I wrote out 100 things I loved about my dh. Neither of us are very expressive normally about things like that and I think because of that it really meant a lot to him. He also said it meant a lot to him to know that a lot of the things I loved were just who he was instead of things the world says is important (For example...I love that he is the guy at church that everyone knows to go to with a problem in the building because he's always willing to try and help fix it. I love that he's sacrificed his own career t stay home part-time with our kids. NOT how he looks or how much money he makes or what things he can "provide" us.)

 

This is so precious - what a lovely idea.:)