Another boundries question

[Parrothead]

What am I to do with my friend who pops in unexpectedly? I told her that we generally school between 10-2. About twice a month now, she pops in, bringing her small child. The child starts to get into toys and the mom just tells him, "I said only a few minutes." Almost like she is blaming the child for the visit.

 

Today dd and I are having a slow day. Yes, it is just after 11 and we are just now getting breakfast going. We are still in pj's. And my friend and her kid just left

 

Why would she come over like that when I've told her a couple of times now that we really aren't available from 10-2? Oh, and she homeschools her child. I would think that even though she has less to do with a K'er that school time is almost sacred.

[OnTheBrink]

She presses the boundary because you let her. :001_smile:

 

I'd sit her down and tell her point blank that you will not accept visitors between 10-2. Period. If she comes over, don't answer the door. Just because someone knocks doesn't obligate you to open the door. Maybe put a friendly sign on your door saying "School in session! Please call after 2pm!"

 

She's behaving disrespectfully and rather selfishly, and she's learned from you that she can do that. So, you're going to have to re-teach her! If she gets offended, that's her problem. You're not responsible for her feelings; she is. And, your priority is your family during those hours, not entertaining her. :grouphug:

[Murphy101]

Well I'd just have an honest discussion.

 

I really get frustrated when we are in gearand getting some momentum and get interrupted. It throws off everything and we have to start over. I think I need to put up a do not disturb sign and turn the ringer off.

 

Seriously. I have 1 friend who literally has a do not disturb sign on the door and gets really upset if it's not respected. (the poor Schwann man rang rang the bell anyways. He sure didn't get an order!)

 

now that said, there's friends and there's Friends. I have closer friends that we have no real boundaries with. They don't even knock before entering and drop in or call anytime day or night.

 

It sounds like this is more of a question of misunderstanding. Maybe you just need to tell her that your educational load is much heavier then hers and you really cannot have it interrupted. Please.

[Parrothead]

Just because someone knocks doesn't obligate you to open the door. Maybe put a friendly sign on your door saying "School in session! Please call after 2pm!"

 

Sheesh, today she caught me walking from the kitchen to the living room. She had her face mushed up against the glass of the front door, peeping in. :banghead:

 

I like the idea of a sign. And now that it is the Christmas season, I think I might wrap my doors in wrapping paper like giant presents. :lol:

 

 

It sounds like this is more of a question of misunderstanding. Maybe you just need to tell her that your educational load is much heavier then hers and you really cannot have it interrupted. Please.

 

I've done that. i'm going to have to reiterate.

 

We've only been in this area for 2 1/2 months. The first time she did it, I polietly scooted her out. Each time I get a little less polite. Today she left saying that she could see I wasn't awake enough for company. :001_huh:

[mirth]

It sounds like this is more of a question of misunderstanding. Maybe you just need to tell her that your educational load is much heavier then hers and you really cannot have it interrupted. Please.

 

Yeah, this first. Escalate to "what part of 'stay away from 10-2' don't you understand?" if this doesn't work.

[mirth]

I've done that. i'm going to have to reiterate.

 

We've only been in this area for 2 1/2 months. The first time she did it, I polietly scooted her out. Each time I get a little less polite. Today she left saying that she could see I wasn't awake enough for company. :001_huh:

 

Ok, maybe it is time to escalate.

[Parrothead]

Yeah, this first. Escalate to "what part of 'stay away from 10-2' don't you understand?" if this doesn't work.

:lol:

 

Wanna be my backbone?

[Leila]

Sometimes, you just have to be honest and tell her that you are busy in this particular hours and she can't come or you can talk about time she can come over because you and your kids are busy. Some friends think that they can just come visit without telling. I have one and I told her, she can't do that and we need to schedule our playdate. Now she comes every Friday afternoon. The rest of the week is school week.

[Murphy101]

Ha. How rude of her.

You should have responded that in the future she should assume you won't be awake enough until after 2!

 

My goodness. Really you were too nice. I wouldn't have let her in!

[kpupg]

Ok, maybe it is time to escalate.

 

Boundaries ... boy that can really set me off.

 

You know, there is no law that says you have to answer the door ... or the phone, for that matter.

 

Sympathies,

Karen

[Hedgehogs4]

I would go, answer the door, and stand in the doorway and greet her, and say rather urgently, "hey, I'm really in the middle of something with the kids, and don't want them to break their momentum...can I call you later?"

 

That way you've greeted her personally and put the "rejection" on yourself, not her. When you call her later, then explain how interruptions really throw the kids off and it would be better for you if she didn't visit during school time.

 

hth

[OnTheBrink]

Does she just walk in to your house? If so, lock the door and even if she sees you, you still aren't required to open it, esp if you put a sign on the door.

 

I'm afraid if someone just entered my house, I'd have to kill them on sight.

[Parrothead]

Ha. How rude of her.

You should have responded that in the future she should assume you won't be awake enough until after 2!

 

My goodness. Really you were too nice. I wouldn't have let her in!

:lol: Why can't I think of snappy comebacks like that?

 

I think what caught me off guard this morning is that she had her face mushed up against the door and her hands around her face blocking the sunlight so she could see in.

 

I don't answer the phone unless it is dh or one of our parents. She figured that out this weekend when we left the phone upstairs in the charger. We can't hear it ring when it is up there.

 

So far she hasn't called in two days.

 

I really think I'm going to put up a sign on both doors that says?

Avalon Academy

School hours between 9-3

Please call on us when school isn't in session.

 

I'm giving an hour on either side of when we usually do school.

[JoyfulMama]

I'm thinking the friend is looking for some social time, and might be up for a scheduled time to get together.

"Friend, I'd love to be able to relax and chat more with you, would you like to make a regular date once a week? That way I can make sure my mind isn't on other things, and the kids can play for a bit. How does Tuesday afternoons, around 2:30, work for you?"

Be willing to negotiate on the time to suit you both, and I think things might work themselves out. This validates your friendship, while reinforcing your boundaries for school time.

[elegantlion]

:lol: Why can't I think of snappy comebacks like that?

 

I think what caught me off guard this morning is that she had her face mushed up against the door and her hands around her face blocking the sunlight so she could see in.

 

I don't answer the phone unless it is dh or one of our parents. She figured that out this weekend when we left the phone upstairs in the charger. We can't hear it ring when it is up there.

 

So far she hasn't called in two days.

 

I really think I'm going to put up a sign on both doors that says?

Avalon Academy

School hours between 9-3

Please call on us when school isn't in session.

 

I'm giving an hour on either side of when we usually do school.

 

I like the sign idea. The fact you've only been in the area for a few months and she's already pushing this would frankly make me want to take a step back. You could also put that you homeschool year round. :D

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm thinking the friend is looking for some social time, and might be up for a scheduled time to get together.

"Friend, I'd love to be able to relax and chat more with you, would you like to make a regular date once a week? That way I can make sure my mind isn't on other things, and the kids can play for a bit. How does Tuesday afternoons, around 2:30, work for you?"

Be willing to negotiate on the time to suit you both, and I think things might work themselves out. This validates your friendship, while reinforcing your boundaries for school time.

 

I like this idea. Yes, you should put up the sign. But if you want to keep this friend (and you may or may not. . .) then I would also be proactive and make a date to see her. She sounds very lonely.

[AuntieM]

I think what caught me off guard this morning is that she had her face mushed up against the door and her hands around her face blocking the sunlight so she could see in.

Oh my goodness! She is like a child herself - no surprise she's not "getting" your message. I'd just wave at her and still not come to the door, methinks...

 

I really think I'm going to put up a sign on both doors that says?

Avalon Academy

School hours between 9-3

Please call on us when school isn't in session.

 

I'm giving an hour on either side of when we usually do school.

Good idea, now you just have to stick with it.

 

Definitely let her know that your educational load requires more uninterrupted instruction time than hers. Even so, you really haven't asked much at all by asking for peace from 10 am to 2 pm. That's such a short time span... lunchtime, to boot. I'm thinking she's bored or lonely or can't think or something to do with her own child?

 

Perhaps if you set a standing play date one or two afternoons a week at 3 pm, she will have that to look forward to and leave you alone the rest of the time... just a thought.

[Parrothead]

Definitely let her know that your educational load requires more uninterrupted instruction time than hers. Even so, you really haven't asked much at all by asking for peace from 10 am to 2 pm. That's such a short time span... lunchtime, to boot. I'm thinking she's bored or lonely or can't think or something to do with her own child?

 

Perhaps if you set a standing play date one or two afternoons a week at 3 pm, she will have that to look forward to and leave you alone the rest of the time... just a thought.

I'm sure she is bored and lonely. Her husband is a mid-distance truck driver and is gone several days in a row, a couple times a week. I really don't know if she has any other friends. She is a nice person. I'm beginning to wonder if she is one of those needy type people. May explain why I seem to be her only friend. Then again she has only been in the area 3 months longer than me.

 

So a sign and a specified time to visit seem to be in order. Thanks a bunch.

[Laurie4b]

What am I to do with my friend who pops in unexpectedly? I told her that we generally school between 10-2. About twice a month now, she pops in, bringing her small child. The child starts to get into toys and the mom just tells him, "I said only a few minutes." Almost like she is blaming the child for the visit.

 

Today dd and I are having a slow day. Yes, it is just after 11 and we are just now getting breakfast going. We are still in pj's. And my friend and her kid just left

 

Why would she come over like that when I've told her a couple of times now that we really aren't available from 10-2? Oh, and she homeschools her child. I would think that even though she has less to do with a K'er that school time is almost sacred.

 

If you are gutsy, call her today and say, "I need to talk to you about something. I'm confused because I thought I had been clear that we can't really have visitors during school hours. But if you come over, I don't want to hurt your feelings by not inviting you in, but then our school work is interrupted. " Let her explain--maybe she didn't quite get it. Maybe. At any rate, you're hitting it dead on one last time.

 

Then put up the sign, block off the windows, and don't answer the door.

 

If you're passive aggressive, you could drop by her house around the time she'd normally be going to bed and stay late a couple times a month. Just kidding.