WWYD? DS's grandparents and presents

[SW in IL]

My daughter (16yo, lives with my ex) called us just after Thanksgiving to tell us that Grandma J (ex's mom) got "everyone in the family" a Wii for Christmas... And it seems that Grandma did get Wii's for everyone... except DS. Not sure why my son got left out, especially since my ex hadn't talked to anyone in his family for years (maybe it's a way to get back in his good graces? but then why buy for the other grandkids and not my son?). We talked to Grandma J but didn't get an apology or an explanation... She said that she bought 10 Wii's and gave them to "all" the grandkids... Well, DS is one of her grandkids and didn't get a Wii.

 

To top things off, my daughter said that they're giving DS their old, broken PS2 for Christmas ("Maybe you can fix it so C can use it" she says... I know nothing about these systems, not even how to hook them up to the TV!).

 

I've been the one to take both DS and DD to see Grandma J at least once a year because my ex refuses to speak to or see his parents. He's returned (to them) every other present they've given DD for about 8 years!

 

Any thoughts or ideas on how to handle this?

 

Thanks,

Sue

[Jean in Newcastle]

Somehow she's differentiating between your dd and your ds because she lives with your ex right now and your ds doesn't?

 

And it sounds like your ex has stopped returning the gifts that were given to your dd? (at least he didn't return the Wii it sounds like).

 

The Ps2 is that coming from your ex MIL or is it coming from your dd and your ex?

 

If the PS2 is coming from your dd and your ex - I would honestly tell them that you cannot fix it and that they need to give him a working gift.

[Rosie_0801]

"Sorry Son, some people don't have any manners," is roughly what I'd say. Well, that's what I'd say to my son. I might well say that to the adults involved too. That's crappy behaviour.

 

Rosie

[tex-mex]

Simply rude... :glare: poor kid. Anyway he can get a Wii?

[Laurie4b]

My daughter (16yo, lives with my ex) called us just after Thanksgiving to tell us that Grandma J (ex's mom) got "everyone in the family" a Wii for Christmas... And it seems that Grandma did get Wii's for everyone... except DS. Not sure why my son got left out, especially since my ex hadn't talked to anyone in his family for years (maybe it's a way to get back in his good graces? but then why buy for the other grandkids and not my son?). We talked to Grandma J but didn't get an apology or an explanation... She said that she bought 10 Wii's and gave them to "all" the grandkids... Well, DS is one of her grandkids and didn't get a Wii.

 

To top things off, my daughter said that they're giving DS their old, broken PS2 for Christmas ("Maybe you can fix it so C can use it" she says... I know nothing about these systems, not even how to hook them up to the TV!).

 

I've been the one to take both DS and DD to see Grandma J at least once a year because my ex refuses to speak to or see his parents. He's returned (to them) every other present they've given DD for about 8 years!

 

Any thoughts or ideas on how to handle this?

 

Thanks,

Sue

 

What is Grandma's motive for not getting ds a Wii? What is dad's motive for giving him broken toys? Is this a punishment because he lives with you? Does your ex use material things to bribe or punish the kids in a war against you?

 

Does ds have to know that everyone else got Wii's? I wouldn't tell him. If he finds out, I would say that there is something wrong with Grandma J. (Is she mentally ill or unbalanced? )

 

Sorry that your ds has to cope with all this. If you can get him a Wii, I would do it.

[Nakia]

Well for starters, I would tell them to keep the broken system. That's like a slap in the face. Who does that?????

[dangermom]

I think I'd try to swing it so that you can refuse any Wii's for your kids, and so that your son doesn't know. Is there any way you can keep this from him? That is a really low blow and I see no reason why he should get his feelings hurt like that.

 

I dunno, maybe it's unfair to your daughter, but I'd want to say "Sorry, none of us need Wii's."

[WishboneDawn]

I don't know what you can do.

 

But, me being me, I'd take the PS2. It might make a neat project for you guys to see if you can repair it. There's lots of information on the internet - I've been able to repair computers and an old Nintendo with what a google search is found.

 

Alternately you could accept the PS2 but tell the GP that you're going to get a quote on a repair (Kijiji usually has listings for local repair shops or a local computer shop might be able to refer you to a console shop) and ask them to cover that so you're ds isn't disapointed.

 

I sort of like the first option because it's a real model of how to take lemons and make lemonades.

[*********]

So your dd lives with your ex, her dad? And your ds lives with you? Is your ds a biological son of your ex? If not, perhaps that explain's ex's mother treating him different? (Not at all saying I agree with that; I do, unfortunately, have experience with my own family members treating my step and bio children differently. :glare:)

 

What does your daughter say about why her grandma didn't get her brother a Wii? Perhaps she doesn't know why, and is passing on the PS2 to her brother to try to help his hurt feelings? I can see a 16 year old feeling badly in this situation, and maybe this is the only solution she can come up with?

 

I'm assuming that your dd will be keeping her wii at her dad's house, and that ds is the only child at home with you, right?

 

Is there *any possibility that grandma is getting your son a Wii, but he just hasn't received it yet? Or does she have a history of excluding your son for some reason?

 

Whatever the answers, I'd either not tell your son about the situation, and tell dd to not say anything as well (she's old enough to understand why, I'm sure), or just have an honest talk with him about it.

 

Sorry, that's a tough one. :grouphug:

[Mrs Mungo]

Maybe she purchased one system per set of siblings without really thinking that your two kids don't live together?

[mommaduck]

Did g'ma get dd a Wii? Perhaps she feels that both children can use it at their dad's, her son's, and she doesn't want to give one to be kept at your house?

[Stacie]

First of all, :grouphug: for your son. I'm so sorry he has to deal with this.

 

I deal with this with my children and dh's mom, who refuses to acknowledge them but gives their cousins wonderful, memorable gifts. I've managed to shield them from the situation, but it's getting more difficult to do so. Though I've spoken gently and kindly to MIL about it, she has no explanation beyond "I just don't feel close to them." My children are very close to their cousins so this will come up soon. I let my MIL know the explanation will be hers to own, as will the guilt and that I have no explanation for her behavior and refuse to make one up.

 

Honestly, you did not create the situation and you should not have to explain it away. Let your exMIL (or your exH, whichever is more appropriate) know that if you can't shield him, the explanation, just like the situation, belongs to her. She should be able to justify the slight TO him if she's able to justify it to herself. Maybe knowing she will have to explain it to a child may change her heart and he'll get one after all. :grouphug:

[tdeveson]

I'm surprised that when she said, "I got a Wii for all the grandkids," you didn't tell her that ds was her grandchild too.

 

I'd tell her to take her broken ds and shove it where the sun don't shine, and explain to your ds that some people are just rude and mean and it has nothing to do with him.

[SW in IL]

DD is 16, is my ex's biological daughter and has always lived with my ex.

 

DS is 15, is my ex's biological son and has always lived with me.

 

Ex cut himself and DD out of Grandma J's life when DD was about 7 or 8. The only contact DD's had with Grandma J has been through me, until now. Every year, ex would send all gifts back to Grandma J until she finally gave up and started buying bonds for DD for birthday/holiday presents.

 

Ex has another child (DD and DS's half brother - about 8 years old) who lives with his second ex-wife... Half-bro got a Wii to keep at his mom's!

 

DD got a Wii to keep at her house.

 

Ex's sister's 2 kids and 1 step-daughter (all grown) got their own Wii's. Ex's other sister's 4 (grown) kids got their own Wii's. Ex's step-brother's 2 kids (pre-teens) got a Wii that they have to share.

 

DS knows all about this... DD told him that Grandma J got her a Wii and when we called Grandma J, Grandma J listed off all the family members who were getting Wii's. I even asked Grandma J, Does <DS> get one?, but received no answer.

 

The broken PS2 is coming from DD (and ex?). Not sure if this is their way of "rubbing it in" (they know I can't afford to buy a Wii) or if it's DD's way of trying to make DS feel less left out. At first I thought she felt bad, but then why tell DS not only that she got a Wii, but that Grandma J got Wii's for "everyone in the family."

 

I've simply told DS that I don't know why she didn't get him a Wii, especially after she told him that "everyone" got Wii's.

 

Gotta run,

Sue

[Stacie]

DS knows all about this... DD told him that Grandma J got her a Wii and when we called Grandma J, Grandma J listed off all the family members who were getting Wii's. I even asked Grandma J, Does <DS> get one?, but received no answer.

...

I've simply told DS that I don't know why she didn't get him a Wii, especially after she told him that "everyone" got Wii's.

 

 

Is it possible that she got him one and is waiting to give it to him when she sees him? If not I'd have your exH call her down on it, or provide one for him. If the one for DD was actually for the both of them, then your exH should either get him one or make them share it by half of the time at your house, half at his. Some things should just be left to die a quiet death, but this one is too blatant of a slight to not question.

[mommaduck]

Does she have a grudge against you or some other issue? It sounds like something is causing her to use leaving out ds as a way to strike out against someone. I can only guess that it's you (?)

 

(hugs to you...we've been there with grands playing favorites or using kids to strike out against the parents)

[Mrs Mungo]

Ex has another child (DD and DS's half brother - about 8 years old) who lives with his second ex-wife... Half-bro got a Wii to keep at his mom's!

 

This is the only thing that gives me pause. Everyone else who got their own Wii (as opposed to sharing with a sibling) is grown. Still, this kid has a mom that is separate from any of the other kids.

 

I even asked Grandma J, Does <DS> get one?, but received no answer.

 

Then you haven't seen her? Or received an answer? Maybe she was wanting to surprise him? Does your son spend much time with your ex? Does your dd spend much time at your house? Again, maybe she just wasn't thinking that your dd and ds don't live together because from your list it sounds like the only other set of still-child-siblings-with-the-same-mom got a wii to share.

[elfgivas]

i think i'd try to focus on what DS is giving people for Christmas, not what he's getting (or not getting, as the case may be).

 

then he can have the pleasure of plotting and planning (and baking/making/doing whatever he's thought of for folks). it will shift the emphasis to what he wants to do for people he cares about for Christmas, and that will help him deal with it in a small way. (but it could also be in a big way). he can't fix her; he can only be the best him he can be, KWIM?

 

i'd be the one full of a sense of injustice on behalf of one of my children, and would have to watch myself very carefully not to become bitter. (i'm not saying you have this to deal with, but i know how i'd feel and how hard it would be for me to just let it go)

 

fwiw,

ann

[kalanamak]

I even asked Grandma J, Does <DS> get one?, but received no answer.

 

 

Dementia?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Dementia?

 

I'm thinking that she miscounted when she bought them but now doesn't want to admit it. . .

[Guest janainaz]

Maybe she purchased one system per set of siblings without really thinking that your two kids don't live together?

 

That is a good thought. Hopefully, this is the situation. Otherwise, shame on Grandma if she did that knowingly. I think I would feel around the situation and really find out before making any assumptions.

 

If I found out that she did do it knowingly, I would say something to her and address the potential hurt feelings if ds finds out and give her an opportunity to think about that. From there, I would brush it off and just accept that some people are not always kind.

 

My grandmother just passed away this last year at 95 years old and she was very immature at times. She would get some bee in her bonnet and I learned to rise above her childish ways!

 

As for the broken Playstation - I'd find out the heart behind that idea. Maybe it is meant as a kind gesture, but I'd be honest about not being able to get it fixed.