Funeral etiquette question

[crl]

I have an etiquette question about our strange family situation.

 

My hubby and I were married in the summer of 1999. His Dad (FIL #1) was diagnoised with cancer in March 2000 and passed away May 2000. Hubby's mom got remarried to a pastor in the fall of 2001 and has lived in Michigan (9 hours from us) ever since. We've invited them on vacations with us almost every year since our DD was born in 2003. We just found out her hubby's (FIL #2) only brother who helped raise him was in a fatal car accident over the weekend. Of course we feel horrible for him since this was his best friend and brother. We had met the brother twice and so we weren't close to him, but feel the need to do something for FIL #2. The funeral is scheduled for Friday in MI (10.5 hours from our house). My mom said maybe just sending a plant in the brother's memory to FIL #2 might be nice. What do you all think? Any help would be appreciated since I am clueless on how to handle this and my hubby is even more clueless.

[Pink Fairy]

I think sending flowers or a plant would be very appropriate.

[olan719]

I think sending flowers or a plant would be very appropriate.

:iagree:

[melmichigan]

You could also call the funeral home and see if they are setting up donations in his memory to a specific organization that you might like to donate to. When my Mom and then my Dad died we asked for donations to the Diabetes Association in lieu of flowers.

[3lilreds in NC]

For *me,* going to funerals is very important. It has very little to do with how well you knew the deceased, honestly, and everything to do with supporting those left behind. In my mind, it's what you do - you go to the funeral. No question.

 

When my grandma died, a dear friend of mine came to the funeral and held my hand while I sobbed. I can't remember if she'd met my grandma or not, but she knew I needed her to be there. That meant more to me than I can say.

 

OTOH, my inlaws have avoided coming to the funerals of my grandparents, using various excuses. Even my BIL and SIL came to my grandfather's funeral, but my inlaws could not be bothered. That hurt me a lot. I've forgiven them for a lot of things, but talking about this makes me realize I need to pray about that one. (Darn it.)

 

I will tell you that when my SIL's father died, I was all for all of us going to the funeral, and dh was willing to do that, too. She said, though, that she would rather us come another time when he wouldn't be there and hold her hand then. I think she just wanted to be with her mom and her sister, and that was fine. Dh went anyway, but more to be with his parents, who were pretty much guaranteed to be a pita because they were not the center of attention.

 

That's my 2 cents. :D If it's prohibitive for you to go, time wise and cost wise, then do what your mom said and send a plant or whatever. I think, though, that your FIL would appreciate you being there more than he could ever tell you, and if you can go, I would.

[hornblower]

IMO funerals are not for the dead - they're for the living. If at all possible, I'd try to go to the funeral, not for the man who died, whom you didn't have a relationship with, but for the man left behind who is grieving and needs to be encircled by love.

 

When the father of a friend died, I went to the funeral even though I'd never even met the father. I went for my friend.

 

If it's just not possible to go, I'd telephone, spend some time on the phone call. Send a donation to a charity of the dead man's choice. Also, call FIL in a few weeks or so & ask how he's doing. Ask point blank how he's grieving, not just the generic 'how are you?' which often yields the generic 'oh, i'm ok...' These are some other ways in which you can support a bereaved person from afar.

[Spy Car]

IMO funerals are not for the dead - they're for the living. If at all possible, I'd try to go to the funeral, not for the man who died, whom you didn't have a relationship with, but for the man left behind who is grieving and needs to be encircled by love.

 

When the father of a friend died, I went to the funeral even though I'd never even met the father. I went for my friend.

 

If it's just not possible to go, I'd telephone, spend some time on the phone call. Send a donation to a charity of the dead man's choice. Also, call FIL in a few weeks or so & ask how he's doing. Ask point blank how he's grieving, not just the generic 'how are you?' which often yields the generic 'oh, i'm ok...' These are some other ways in which you can support a bereaved person from afar.

 

Beautiful advice :001_smile:

 

Bill

[3lilreds in NC]

IMO funerals are not for the dead - they're for the living. If at all possible, I'd try to go to the funeral, not for the man who died, whom you didn't have a relationship with, but for the man left behind who is grieving and needs to be encircled by love.

 

When the father of a friend died, I went to the funeral even though I'd never even met the father. I went for my friend.

 

If it's just not possible to go, I'd telephone, spend some time on the phone call. Send a donation to a charity of the dead man's choice. Also, call FIL in a few weeks or so & ask how he's doing. Ask point blank how he's grieving, not just the generic 'how are you?' which often yields the generic 'oh, i'm ok...' These are some other ways in which you can support a bereaved person from afar.

 

Beautifully stated. :grouphug:

[Spy Car]

Beautifully stated. :grouphug:

 

As was yours :001_smile: :grouphug:

 

Bill

[justamouse]

IMO funerals are not for the dead - they're for the living. If at all possible, I'd try to go to the funeral, not for the man who died, whom you didn't have a relationship with, but for the man left behind who is grieving and needs to be encircled by love.

 

When the father of a friend died, I went to the funeral even though I'd never even met the father. I went for my friend.

 

If it's just not possible to go, I'd telephone, spend some time on the phone call. Send a donation to a charity of the dead man's choice. Also, call FIL in a few weeks or so & ask how he's doing. Ask point blank how he's grieving, not just the generic 'how are you?' which often yields the generic 'oh, i'm ok...' These are some other ways in which you can support a bereaved person from afar.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[abbeyej]

I agree that going to the funeral would be best, if you possibly can. If not, I do think a plant and a handwritten note (sent separately is fine) expressing your sorrow at your step-FIL's loss would be appropriate. As others have said, it really doesn't matter that you don't know the deceased well. What matters is that you seem to have a good relationship with your MIL's husband and that he's grieving now. You simply express your concern and sorrow for him. In person is best, if you can manage it. But if that's just not possible, it's okay. Send flowers or a plant (or call the funeral home to see if a charity has been designated to receive donations instead of flowers) and send a handwritten note. It need not be long...

[Crimson Wife]

My whole extended family went to the funeral of my cousin's father, even though he and my aunt had experienced a bitter divorce years ago. It was a bit strange especially with the "other woman" there as the grieving widow but my cousin really appreciated us being there.

[Chris in VA]

I guess I'll be the odd one. I'd just send a plant and a nice note, and call to check on him and to let him talk, later, after it "sinks in" a bit.

[crl]

Thanks for all the advice. I'll run them by my hubby. My guess is that he'll choose not to go just because we have 2 young kids and more than a 10 hour drive to get to the funeral.

 

If we don't end up going, I'll definitely try to check in with the funeral home about donations. Another friend of mine mentioned a fruit basket since all of the man's kids and young grandkids are from out of town and will be eating the widow out of house and home.