Mom issue (yes, again)

[BakersDozen]

Those of you who read my epic post about my mom and the fit she threw this last week when a dear friend was coming over (my mom apologized, admitted she behaved like a spoiled brat) gave me good thoughts/encouragement. Well, I need more, or maybe I just need a hug.

 

All I've heard for 10 years is what my mom would do to help me when she retired. Yeah, right. She sleeps until 9, is ready by 10, coffee for an hour at some coffeehouse (I finally had to put my foot down and tell her that I would not be joining her every morning, that my dc need me home), back here to read or nap, etc. Yesterday she got sick and went to bed early, woke up feeling fabulous. I had planned to take the week off of school so we could do some fun things before she leaves on Thursday yet she informed me this morning that she wanted to go to the library to do some work (write letters). I asked her if it was something that had to be done this week or could it wait until she got home on Friday and her response was that she would like to get it done now.

 

Ladies, at that point I stood there looking at her feeling alone, empty and defeated. I have no family here, I've never had a bit of help and have never asked for it not when I had 4 age 4 and under, not with a brand new baby or when we were moving with a brand new baby. All I asked her for while she was here was to help with the younger girls so I could tackle painting/wallpaper projects I can't get done during a regular school weel. She chooses coffee and her laptop over helping. After she left I sat on the couch unable to even cry, I just feel numb. I am angry and hurt, I want to tell her to just go home. Tomorrow she wants to go to Prescott (our historic area) for the day - no kids, just her so she can "relax".

 

I can't change her. I knew this was coming, tried to prepare myself for it yet I realize that nothing can prepare one for disappointment especially from parents. I can't say anything as she would turn it into a huge drama-rama/guilt trip and I would never hear the end of it. I want her to help on her own. I want her to choose her grandkids over her stinking "work" on her laptop. As of Friday she will be back in her museum of a house by herself with all the time in the world to do what she wants.

 

3 more days...I need to get through just 3 more days.

 

Oh, she was going to take a shuttle to the airport but asked if I would drive her on Thursday instead (so now I get to find a sitter for 5 hours) because she wants to visit with me. My tongue is getting blistered from biting it.

 

I hope this doesn't come across as disrespectful toward her, but I'm sure others have experienced something like this. And I hope I treat my own dc/grandkids better than this. :crying:

[SonshineLearner]

"I'm sorry Mom, I wish I could do that, but I already had plans... or .... I just don't have a babysitter to ask... Wish I did...." "Let's get together next time, perhaps I'll have someone to trade with by then... it's hard not having anyone to trade with..."

 

Carrie...

[MamaT]

First :grouphug:. I know how you feel. I was hurt by my mom over and over again because I kept expecting her to act differently "next time." I finally realized that she is who she is - the most self-centered person I have ever met. I let go of any expectations that she would ever act loving and motherly. It just wasn't going to happen. I also gave myself permission to do what was best for me and for my kids where she was concerned. She hasn't hurt me since.

 

In your case, I would tell her it just wouldn't be convenient to drive her to the airport - give her any reason you choose.

[FriedClams]

Ugh - I feel your pain and wish I could help. I have detached parents as well. We were planning yet another cross country trip to visit them next week (I've spent 4 weeks there this year alone helping them move, etc.) and they were completely unaffected when I canceled. I drag my kids to see them 3-4 times a year, over 1500 miles and multiple flights - and I seriously think they could care less. Despite our flexibility and travel to see them - they still question homeschooling and make comments about it. They aren't in good health and have never been with my kids without me there. They've never watched them overnight, ever. We're a military family so I have no family anywhere near me and haven't for 20 years. I've spent fewer than 10 nights away from my kids - mostly sleep overs very nearby. DH and I have spent 1 night alone and away in 8 years.. My parents love the idea of being grandparents - but their execution sucks. When I hear friends talk about doting grandparents, I will admit jealousy! Sounds a lot like where you are. I feel your pain. At this point I lean on a few things...

 

1. Exodus 20:12 - Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you. God calls me to a level of behavior and attitude that has nothing to do with how I get treated. I honor Him when I honor them.

 

2. I view each trip as a mission trip to love and serve others. It's still hard - but it makes it easier for me to "take it" when it's given. I serve. I serve. I serve. I try to ignore and turn a blind eye. Some days go great. Others require a lot of repentance.

 

3. What I model to my kids is how they will treat me. They will never "get" the dynamics of my relationship with my parents. I hope they won't ever, anyway. BUT - I pray that the model I show them of making an effort to remain connected with family - regardless of distance is something they will do for me as I age.

 

My best advice is to let go of the dream of what we wish out parents were. It's terribly hard. There are days when I just want to scream that I feel, well, gyped (I have no idea how to spell that). But, I have a loving Heavenly Father who is all I need and is here any time I need Him. I cling to that.

 

((hugs))

[Rosie_0801]

Yes, my mother thinks she helps and my grandmother who was able to babysit her daughter's child anywhere from two to 5 days a week couldn't commit to coming and taking mine out for an hour each week, the year my aunt was travelling.

 

Roll your eyes, bite your tongue, and be glad she doesn't live closer, I guess. You will eventually learn to accept it, but it sure takes a long time. It's funny the little flame of optimism that burns about our parents, even when we know it makes no sense.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[gingersmom]

My mother lives 30 minutes away and comes to visit at most twice a year.

 

But if you hear her bragging to her friends you would think she was grandmother of the year.

[G5052]

Years ago I decided that saying "no" was best for me with my mom, and she put some distance in the relationship and favors the sibling that bites his tongue and is at her beck and call. When my dad was in hospice for several months and in the process of dying, neither would return my calls or bothered to keep me posted. Now she's in bad shape, and I can't find out what's going on because she's blocked me every way possible legally and my sibling isn't communicating either. So there are consequences if you say "no," but I still know that doing that was right.

 

As a psychologist once told me, "You don't choose your parents, but you can choose as adult how to relate to them."

[Danestress]

I'm curious about whether maybe she's just overwhelmed by so many people in one space. Maybe she just really has to carve out "alone" time because she isn't able to cope with so many interactions? I'm just wondering - if she was a woman who only wanted a couple of children herself, it would make sense to me that maybe she doesn't feel a rest with so many children in a house, though I surely wish she would figure out how to enjoy that too. They are her grandchildren and she's getting multiple amounts of LOVE from that, but for the serious introvert, it could be genuinely hard for her even though she love you and loves them. My father adored my children, but he also found it very hard to be around a houseful of children, and most of the time when DH was active duty they stayed in a hotel when they visited. They just liked having their own space and some quite time. That did hurt at first, but the older I get, the more I understand it. I was used to the crying, laughing, fussing, busy child-filled life I had built (and I only had three!) but they were unused to it.

 

 

I will say that my mother always wants time alone with me too, and my grandmother always wanted my Mom alone for at least part of every visit. I think it must be hard for them to love us so much and then not really get enough (in their minds) of time alone with us to talk. And for some women, it's never enough. They want HOURS of time to talk. I find the talking irritating, and like you, I think it would be nice to be able to *do* some things with the extra set of hands around. But it sounds like your mother really loves you and wants to be alone with you a lot, and maybe it's because she doesn't like competing with the children for your attention. Anyway, if you can find a sitter for the day, I think I might try to take your Mom to the airport so that you can have that one-on-one time she craves, but I don't blame you for feeling disappointed in the visit. It's hard when things aren't the way we wish they were:(

[BakersDozen]

3. What I model to my kids is how they will treat me. They will never "get" the dynamics of my relationship with my parents. I hope they won't ever, anyway. BUT - I pray that the model I show them of making an effort to remain connected with family - regardless of distance is something they will do for me as I age.

 

I needed to read this. My dc have seen reactions of mine toward my mom/mil and I need to curb that.

 

It's funny the little flame of optimism that burns about our parents, even when we know it makes no sense.

 

The flame going out was what I felt today - my last shred of hope that she would be involved/change was gone.

 

I'm curious about whether maybe she's just overwhelmed by so many people in one space. Maybe she just really has to carve out "alone" time because she isn't able to cope with so many interactions?

My mom was an only child but had 4 of her own. BUT, she was the kind of mom who wanted us around but didn't want to BE with us, if that makes sense. She loved when we were all home but her idea of together-time was her in bed/reading/watching TV while we did our own thing. She is overwhelmed by the # of people in our home and I try every way I can to make her time easier, to have a couple of my dc go w/her in short intervals. It doesn't really work. She basically wants to be on her own private vacation while in a house of 10 people. She'd be better off at home. Thanks for your input on taking her to the airport. I bet that is just how she feels (wanting time w/just me) but honestly the thought of being in a car w/her for almost 2 hours makes me shudder. I think my tongue would be bitten through by the time I dropped her off.

[kalanamak]

 

The flame going out was what I felt today - my last shred of hope that she would be involved/change was gone.

 

 

I think my tongue would be bitten through by the time I dropped her off.

 

 

:grouphug: I agree with the shuttle, and I hope you have peace by letting go of all expectation!

[OrganicAnn]

Are you and your mom communicating about what each one's expectations? It seems you both have expectations that aren't being met. It sounds like her visit will end soon, but if not I would say something like "Hey mom. You had said you were going to help with the kids. Did you want to do that tomorrow morning starting at 8:00 or would the afternoon be better. I thought you could do xxxx with the kids."

 

Also if she hasn't been around kids since you were little she might be out of practice and afraid to take responsibility for all the kids for several hours. She might be more comfortable one on one, but that is not really going to help you.

 

Anyway communication might help with both of your expectations.

[Cammie]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I know the frustration you are going through. For us it is my in-laws. We moved around the world (literally) so they could develop a closer relationship with their granddkids. They now live one over-night bus ride away and in the last two years - we have seen them one time! I have been angry, frustrated and hurt. On the other side, my parents and my brother have made every attempt to come to our side of the globe to visit at least once a year, or to meet us wherever we are vacationing.

 

Some people won't ever change. We have to take what they are capable of offering and be glad for that amount. It sounds like your mom has always been someone who needed her space - even when you were growing up. She still needs her space - maybe more than other people do. I wish for you she could be the helpful jump in there and get dirty with the kids type of grandma - but she won't ever be. You will just have to model that for your kids when it is your turn to grandma!

[WishboneDawn]

i I can't say anything as she would turn it into a huge drama-rama/guilt trip and I would never hear the end of it. I want her to help on her own.

 

Is that honestly worse then what you're going through already? At what point have you had enough an decide to just deal with her tantrums? I mean heck, she's leaving in a few days. A couple of days of her guilt trip would give you a bit of practice at tuning it out and seeing it for the tantrum it really is. After that she has to talk to you on the phone and then you have the power to end the conversation.

 

Why should she ever change if you're willing to go along with the relationship the same way you always have?

 

Good luck!:grouphug:

[Happy]

Ugh - I feel your pain and wish I could help. I have detached parents as well. We were planning yet another cross country trip to visit them next week (I've spent 4 weeks there this year alone helping them move, etc.) and they were completely unaffected when I canceled. I drag my kids to see them 3-4 times a year, over 1500 miles and multiple flights - and I seriously think they could care less. Despite our flexibility and travel to see them - they still question homeschooling and make comments about it. They aren't in good health and have never been with my kids without me there. They've never watched them overnight, ever. We're a military family so I have no family anywhere near me and haven't for 20 years. I've spent fewer than 10 nights away from my kids - mostly sleep overs very nearby. DH and I have spent 1 night alone and away in 8 years.. My parents love the idea of being grandparents - but their execution sucks. When I hear friends talk about doting grandparents, I will admit jealousy! Sounds a lot like where you are. I feel your pain. At this point I lean on a few things...

 

1. Exodus 20:12 - Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you. God calls me to a level of behavior and attitude that has nothing to do with how I get treated. I honor Him when I honor them.

 

2. I view each trip as a mission trip to love and serve others. It's still hard - but it makes it easier for me to "take it" when it's given. I serve. I serve. I serve. I try to ignore and turn a blind eye. Some days go great. Others require a lot of repentance.

 

3. What I model to my kids is how they will treat me. They will never "get" the dynamics of my relationship with my parents. I hope they won't ever, anyway. BUT - I pray that the model I show them of making an effort to remain connected with family - regardless of distance is something they will do for me as I age.

 

My best advice is to let go of the dream of what we wish out parents were. It's terribly hard. There are days when I just want to scream that I feel, well, gyped (I have no idea how to spell that). But, I have a loving Heavenly Father who is all I need and is here any time I need Him. I cling to that.

 

((hugs))

 

Terrific post.

 

OP, what about being open and frank with your mom. Hey, Mom, I thought you were going to xyz so I had time to qrs without the kids. Did I misunderstand?

 

I think its time you had a *conversation* with your mom. She can't read your mind and I know in my dealing with my adult son what he hears is not always what I said. And vice versa.

 

Talk.

[*********]

My parents live an hour away. They have never watched my children. Never. They've never offered, and I've never asked them to. In fact, I haven't seen them in over a year.

 

We're just not close. I wish it was different, but it isn't. I guess my point is this; sometimes, we wish people were different than they are. Maybe we wish our relationship was different with them; that we were closer. But it's just not the way we wish it was. My answer to these situations is to just accept reality to be the way it is, grieve over it if I must, then move on.

 

I know it's hard. I have no help. None. Even my mil, who complains that she doesn't see the children enough, also complains when we ask her to keep the children. So, we rarely ask. Seriously, dh and I have time without any children for maybe three hours once a year.

 

I figure when they're grown, I'll *wish I had them around all the time. Easier to remember some times than others, :tongue_smilie:, but it helps.

 

Sorry about your mom. I really do understand.

 

:grouphug: