Welcoming Evil Into Our Lives

[Impish]

I know you guys are probably sick of hearing from me, but there's so much going on right now, my head is spinning. I can't fully talk to my dh while he's on a payphone, outside his dying Grandfather's room, so forgive me while I spew it all out here.

 

Wolf's sister, M has been an issue for us for years. When she was in our lives, money, jewelery, make up, and other things of mine went missing...including a time when Wolf had cashed his entire pay, had it in cash, and that disappeared too. The next wk, she had new tires on her car :glare:

 

Anyways, Wolf cut ties with her a few years ago. It was a relief. She was constantly making trouble for us in our marriage. We were new to the whole marriage gig, and the complicating factors of her being his newfound bio sib made for a mess when it came to his loyalties. Since she's been gone, frankly, its been a major stress relief.

 

She's arrived at the hospital. Wolf's questioned her about everything, and she denies it whole heartedly. Wolf *wants* to believe her. He's talking of forgiving her, and establishing a relationship with her...away from the house and kids, but said that this whole experience with Grandpa is making him re-evaluate things, and life's too short to be holding grudges.

 

I dread this. She's been a horror in our lives before. She bragged about being a crack addict just a few months ago. She's a user of the highest degree, and lies like you wouldn't believe. As the youngest brother put it, "If M told me it was raining out, I'd have to stick my head out the window to check." I feel like inviting her back into the smallest part of our lives would be disasterous. She and my MIL have a need for drama, and sow discord where ever they can. M hated that Wolf married me. She wanted him for herself, without any interferance, and if he *had* to marry, she wanted to pick out the bride...First Nations bride, of course.

 

I feel like Wolf is on the brink of inviting evil into our lives. On the one hand, I'm proud of him for forgiving her, as anger and hate only damage the person holding those feelings. On the other hand, the spectre of her being in his life again makes me want to throw up. I seriously fear for the state of our marriage if she gets into his life again.

 

I told him to do what he feels is best for the family, and I would respect and support his decision. I don't know what the heck I was supposed to do. Forbid it? Yeah, not. I'm not his mother, and he's not a wayward child bringing home a 'bad' friend.

 

I just don't know how I'm going to manage having her in our lives again. If she's in his life, then she's in ours, because it'll effect him to a degree that has it impacting our marriage, our family.

 

Arrrggggh! :banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:

[JFSinIL]

You are as much responsible for what is best for your family as your hubby - make sure he knows how much you do NOT think it is a good idea to have anything to do with this woman. Ask if he will mull over everything for a month and then talk it over with you.

[Liz CA]

I would start by being honest. Something like: "I have to admit that the prospect of having her back in our lives makes me uncomfortable. I have been hurt by several things she said/did before and I am not looking forward to sunject myself and our family to this kind of treatment.:"

Let him answer and lay out his feelings. In times, when tragedy like death happens, so many feelings run through our heads, it is easy to lose sight and not to evaluate things.

 

Let it cool down a bit. As the days, weeks go by, your dh may re-think this and perhaps both of you can work on some boundaries for this sister, so she can be somewhat part of the family but will not be allowed to wreak havoc.

[Impish]

I know, in my head, that this is something that needs to be talked about. I'm truly worried that she'll hitch a ride with him back to our city, and before I know what's happening, I'll be face to face with her. *sigh*

 

I'm finding it hard to figure out where the line or balance is. I'm the Wife, she's the Sister. Where does what I want end, and what the relationship with her start? I don't want to have to pull rank so to speak. I don't want Wolf to have to choose btwn us. But I really, REALLY don't want her in the smallest part of our lives. Our lives have been fairly peaceful without her. Looking back at all the crap and drama she brought with her into our lives, I can't help but have the knee jerk reaction of "ARE YOU INSANE? KEEP AWAY FROM HER!!" but she's NOT my sister, and therefore its not MY choice to have her in our lives or not.

 

I can see having to be very careful about how I approach and discuss this with him.

 

Along with being a proud crack addict, she also claims to be dying...for the last 6 years :glare: I know very well what she claims to be diagnosed with, and just shake my head. Of course, this played on Wolf to the point where he wanted to invite her to live with us! :eek: I pointed out that if she indeed had this dx, she would become irrational, and the potential for violence was extremely high. He decided against it because of the strong likelyhood of violence around our children. Now, I thank God, because apparently she was smoking crack at the time to boot :glare:

 

I'm just praying that we don't end up as we were at the beginning of our marriage...because I'm not sure I could handle going through all that again :(

 

I truly wish Wolf and I had normal, healthy people in our immediate families, rather than the bag o'nuts we're stuck with.

[LaxMom]

"Do not try to teach pigs to sing. You'll only frustrate yourself, and irritate the pigs." Franciscan Monk

 

Also, don't try to pretend a crackhead is a normally functioning person because they showed up when Grandpa is on his death bed. Forgive, absolutely. There is, however, a difference between forgiving and enabling.

 

I agree this needs to be discussed after the emotionally charged period of losing his grandfather. And I think Wolf needs to give you his word that, until then, he will not expose your family to this person.

[Brindee]

Also, don't try to pretend a crackhead is a normally functioning person because they showed up when Grandpa is on his death bed. Forgive, absolutely. There is, however, a difference between forgiving and enabling.

 

I agree this needs to be discussed after the emotionally charged period of losing his grandfather. And I think Wolf needs to give you his word that, until then, he will not expose your family to this person.

:iagree: During this emotional time, it's easy to get soft-hearted and philosophical! I TOTALLY agree to have him wait to make any decision about her until he's been away from that situation/place for awhile. Often you make rash decisions that seem fine at the time, but later you go, "What was I THINKING?!"

 

I'm praying for your family! :grouphug:

[elizabeth]

Also, don't try to pretend a crackhead is a normally functioning person because they showed up when Grandpa is on his death bed. Forgive, absolutely. There is, however, a difference between forgiving and enabling.

 

I agree this needs to be discussed after the emotionally charged period of losing his grandfather. And I think Wolf needs to give you his word that, until then, he will not expose your family to this person.

Nothing more to say except that this post is absolutely spot on. I have dealt with a crack addict. God help all of you if your dh makes a terrible decision while clouded by grief. If you have a chance Cope Moyers book, Broken is an excellent book about his crack addiction. If your dh read it and thought for a minute his sis was using this stuff he would bar the door to your home. http://www.amazon.com/Broken-My-Story-Addiction-Redemption/dp/0670037893 a wonderful book . Perhaps you could buy it and leave it around a shared area in a highly visible spot....

[TKDmom]

I agree that forgiveness is essential for your husband--carrying around a grudge doesn't do anybody any good. But letting her back into your lives is not. It'll most likely just open up all those old wounds and undo all your efforts to forgive her. I'd back off for now, but once the initial grief of losing his gf has passed, I'd make some time to have a serious conversation about his sister and her relationship with your family.

[tristangrace]

I think it would be GREAT if the two of you find some outside counsel (as in outside of your family/circle of peers) you both trust and respect to guide you through making decisions about this situation. A wise, experienced counselor ought to be able to offer good advice that is unbiased and should be able to guide the two of you in making decisions together. Even very healthy, mature people often have trouble seeing clearly in personal situations that are emotionally loaded, and this situation seems to be emotionally loaded for both you and your husband in different ways. An objective adviser could be an enormous asset and blessing.

 

Susan

[Avila]

I really admire how you have been working so hard on your marriage and really trying to be supportive of Wolf, especially when something like this comes up.

 

OK, here comes the but! But being supportive and even submissive doesn't mean that you don't have a voice anymore, and honesty done kindly is crucial to the long-term survival of any relationship. It is completely OK to tell Wolf how you feel and to work with him to set boundaries for the dangerous people in your lives. If Wolf wants her back in his life, Wolf and you need to discuss this and how it affects your family and honestly talk about what the boundaries will be and what you are comfortable with.

 

Hugs and prayers for all of you! I know how hard you are working on all of this.

[Impish]

Thanks for all the responses.

 

Wolf's called again, and we talked about SIL for a bit. He's agreed to not make any decisions for a while about her. He says he's forgiven her, but that's it for now.

 

It hasn't occurred yet to him that *I* need to forgive her too, since it was *my* stuff she mostly stole :glare: but that'll be discussed too, at a later time.

[tdeveson]

You can't have a crackhead in your house with your children. Period. Tell him this and let him deal with it. You are in no way being unreasonable. He, on the other hand, is considering something very, very foolish. He needs some frank talking to.

[tdeveson]

It hasn't occurred yet to him that *I* need to forgive her too

 

He needs to hear that. It's great that he forgives her -- it's better for his health. But forgiving someone and bringing them into your house are two very different things.

[Rosie_0801]

I quite understand about you not wanting to make him choose between your and her, but it shouldn't be a choice. Or, more to the point, you should be the automatic choice. You are his wife. Wives and children are supposed to be more important than sisters.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[johnandtinagilbert]

Impish,

I see this situation differently than a ride to the hospital. A chance for a relationship draws my mind elsewhere.

 

As your sister in Christ (wink, wink) let me suggest this is the next battle for your marriage. Please remember this battle is not against your SIL. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places." Eph 6:12

 

The efforts of your heart and Wolf's to save your marriage are clearly stirring up some wicked attacks; however, "'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'" Isaiah 41:10

 

I suggest you start here:

“Do not judge so that you will not be judged. “For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? [/url] “Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:1-5{interjecting: You know I'm not bustin' your chops about hypocrisy, but rather to remind you of the wretch you are without Christ. According to our faith, we all are. I give you this scripture to encourage you in the importance of forgiveness. This doesn't mean, welcome her into your home, only that you need to forgive her...even if you don't want to....even if you are justified in your anger....forgiveness will bring you freedom. Let God be her Judge.}

Remember the forgiveness that has been given to you:“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. “For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. “Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? “Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? “If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!

“In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.Matthew 7:7-12

This may be a simple or extravagant way in which God will bring this girl to salvation --- it may not be at all; however, you and Wolf, through forgiveness and reconciliation may be the people to show her the love of Christ. God cannot use you if you have unforgiveness towards her in your heart.The process can be away from your home, though, so you walk in wisdom and love. Time will tell whether she will change and receive the truth of God's word, or she will be measured as swine*...in which case, do not throw those pearls any longer (“Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. Matthew 7:6) and proceed with the following:

 

 

"Whoever does not receive you, nor heed your words, as you go out of that house or that city, shake the dust off your feet. Matthew 10:14

 

"And as for those who do not receive you, as you go out from that city, shake the dust off your feet as a testimony against them." Luke 9:5

 

"Any place that does not receive you or listen to you, as you go out from there, shake the dust off the soles of your feet for a testimony against them." Mark 6:11

 

"And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or farms for My name's sake, will receive many times as much, and will inherit eternal life. Matthew 19:29

 

“Truly I say to you, all sins shall be forgiven the sons of men, and whatever blasphemies they utter; but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit never has forgiveness, but is guilty of an eternal sinâ€â€” because they were saying, “He has an unclean spirit.â€

(As difficult as all of this is, particularly when one is in the position of Wolf (finding bio fam, etc.), use God's word to encourage him. B/c of his past, he will understand that family goes beyond blood.) Then His mother and His brothers arrived, and standing outside they sent word to Him and called Him. A crowd was sitting around Him, and they said to Him, “Behold, Your mother and Your brothers are outside looking for You.†Answering them, He said, “Who are My mother and My brothers?†Looking about at those who were sitting around Him, He said, “Behold My mother and My brothers! “For whoever does the will of God, he is My brother and sister and mother.†Mark 3:28-35

 

I know your situation for not going to church and I'm fine with that (not a person who believes you must go to the building on Sunday :) ), but I would encourage you to pray for a means of Christian Fellowship for Wolf (you seem to have some). Situations like these a person needs confirmation on following the right path and edification to do the right thing. God can use anyone, I mean anyone, but getting encouragement right out of God's word, Cant. Be. Beat! And it's more likely to come in that way, from a Believer. Galatians 6:10, "So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith." Until you operate in forgiveness, you are probably Not the best person from whom he should receive council in this area -- wife or not.(ducking tomatoes)If I understand correctly, you weren't (strong) Christians when you dealt with this before? If that's the case, then I encourage you to revisit this situation from a Christian perspective, where the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Gal. 5:22-25

a few of my thoughts:

1. You all may not be the people to offer the seed of Christ, but it is your responsibility to at least forgive.2. This doesn't mean you have to be all fuzzy, sweet cotton candy and pretend nothing ever happened.

 

3. It doesn't mean she will ever accept responsibility for what she's done. Let that be between her and her maker.

 

4. It doesn't mean she needs to be in your home or near your children. Spending time to get to know her...lots of time like year+...can still be loving and Christlike.What it all means is, if this is the path Wolf chooses, you walk with him and through prayer, do so with joy and love.I'm not sayin' that'll be easy...it's not...I know, but you walk the line with your husband and no matter how it turns out (the outcome of your SIL is not what's at stake here, at least for you), you will be the wife Wolf needs you to be and in doing so, you will automatically be the daughter of the Most High God, that He (Yahweh, He) wants you to be.

 

Your goal here is not really about your SIL. It is about the next step in your walk as a Godly wife.

 

:grouphug: and meant only as loving, sisterly, Godly (I hope) encouragement from one sister in Christ to another. This is bigger than a car ride.

 

[BigMamaBird]

Your dh's desire to reconnect with his sister is admirable. I would sit down as a couple and put down on paper some non-negotiable boundaries. First and foremost among them would be that she not come to your home, not call your home and have absolutely no contact with you or your children. Some others I'd consider would be time limits on the amount of time dh can spend with her, the understanding that no financial help will be given until complete trust is restored and that you as his wife have complete veto power (used wisely and with love of course) over any decisions regarding SIL.

 

I'd also accept, right from the outset, that you are most likely not going to receive an apology for or even acknowledgement of her past behavior. If you keep waiting for that you will only be setting yourself up for disappointment. Until she proves herself trustworthy, I'd keep my expectations of her very, very low.

[hillfarm]

First, I'd sit down in a calm moment with your dh and let him know that you want what is best for him and your family. That although you are still upset about what has happened with SIL in the past, that you are willing to try to make it work because of your love and respect for him.

 

Let him know that you are willing to admit his sister into your lives, but not the evil that she seems determined to bring. No drugs, no lies, no stealing, no backbiting, no manipulation, no disrespect. Care for the person, but do not enable her bad and destructive behaviors. If she really wants a relationship with him, perhaps him taking a firm line about this could help get her on the right track. Remind him that her disrespecting you hurts the children you have together, in addition to how it makes you feel.

 

Does he believe that she is an addict? If not, tell him what you have heard and encourage him to check it out. Get that book and make sure he sees the reality of what a crack addict can do to those around them--emotionally and physically. Does he want his children exposed to this? His wife? Himself?

 

Let him know that you are truly committed to your role as a guardian of your family's wellbeing. That you really want to see SIL straighten up and get on track. But that you are not willing to stand by and watch while she drags him and your children, not to mention you, under the bus as she blindly continues on her path of destruction. Ask him to help you figure out what you all as a family could do to help her without letting her hurt you, somewhat like rescueing a wild animal. The rescue workers cannot let themselves be shredded and destroyed or they cannot be effective in helping the wounded. The two of you need to discuss ways in which you might be able to help without being destroyed yourselves.

[Impish]

Thank you all for responding, and giving me much to think and pray about. :grouphug: