seeking wisdom in the cell phone/texting world

[Hoggirl]

Ds is getting a phone for his 12th birthday in about a week or so. Actually, he is getting my old phone, and I am getting a new phone. We are going to add unlimited texting to our plan. He is only child.

 

I do not want to debate the merits of phones for 12-year olds. We made the decision a long time ago that we would get him a phone when he entered the youth group at our church. He is already getting one far later than most. :tongue_smilie: Crazy, isn't it? However, I would like to know how you all monitor usage - especially the texting. I want ds to develop self-discipline in this area, b/c I do not want it to become an idol to him. My inclination is to give him free rein and see how he does and become restrictive (how?) if necessary later rather than to try and impose limitations on him from the get-go. Sort of trying to demonstrate that we trust him with this new responsibility, if that is what it is.

 

TIA.

 

Oh, also, I am a techno-idiot. Will I be smart enough to text???

[Cheryl in NM]

I have no advice for you, just BTDT. It was a mess for us. This is when ds began a secret relationship with a girl at church. He was texting her several times a day, calling her before she left for school at 5:30am, not answering our phone calls because he was on the phone with her. It basically gave him free reign. We took the phone away and canceled it.

 

You are just going to have to set up your rules and check his phone to make sure he's following the rules.

[Perry]

I don't know how other plans work, but I can monitor our usage on the Verizon website. It lists the number of texts and calls sent and received, along with the number.

 

For $4.99 a month you can add parental controls. You can block certain times of the day, and set their phone to receive texts from selected numbers. Here is a description. I received an email from Verizon that indicated you can set a limit so that once the limit is reached, no more texts can be sent or received. But when I tried to set that up, it doesn't really work that way. Instead, you get a text message that says they are at their limit. But it doesn't prevent them from continuing to use it for texting.

 

 

 

Good luck. Texting has been nothing but a hassle for us.

[Peela]

yeah, no advice here. my ds13 desperately wanted a phone but after a short time, never used it. It sits in his drawer. However, he chats online a fair bit.

Dd15 however loves her phone, takes it everywhere, texts frequently. It is a lifeline for her. I dont check her messages. i do check her computer every now and then, and her My Space when she leaves it on sometimes, and I havent come across anything bad. However, I was pretty smart as a teen- they can cover their tracks if they really want to. i am not sure about phones though.

I would do what you are suggesting- trust him at first, and see how it goes.

[Ellie]

He has to have ground rules. The rules would be NO texting in church during the worship service or during Sunday school (in fact, he should turn off his phone during those times). No texting to A when he's actually spending time with B. No texting during family meals. If he does any of those, he loses the phone for a week.

 

As far as whom he calls, that's something you'll have to wait and see, but you could talk to him about what is appropriate and what is not. You get to decide.

 

He's just 12. He's immature because really, he's still a child. He needs his parents to give him some boundaries.

[LibraryLover]

Just as an opposing example: I have 2 (16 & 15) teens and now a 20 yr old . They have never never abused their phone privileges. So, it can happen. My younger teens and I don't text. lol However, I am going to change that at next upgrade! Texting makes more sense to me; it's quicker and the message gets to the person more easily. One doesn't have to answer in time (meaning the black hole of my purse is a problem). There will be a certain $ limit on texting for us.

 

I never want to go back to the time when kids did not have cell phones!

Edited June 22, 2009 by LibraryLover

[eternalknot]

If you're not sure about setting boundaries for him in advance of his receiving the phone, consider spending some time discussing etiquette (some of which will overlap with responsibility). I wish more adults exhibited etiquette!

 

As mentioned in an earlier post, no texting A while spending time with B. No gadgets at the table or other designated family time. General awareness of people around him (level of ringtone, level of voice). That sort of thing.

 

Maybe also a reminder to him that the phone is for HIS convenience (and perhaps yours, as his parents) rather than for every one else's convenience - it's not Pavlov's bell, and he doesn't have to drop everything every time he gets a call or text (unless it's coming from you).

 

happy early birthday to him!

[Pamela H in Texas]

I let my kids have free reign though I definitely would have set limits had it been necessary (or if it becomes so). My kids are pretty responsible and respectful so it never would have crossed their minds to have their phones on during meetings (what you might call church) or at the table. I think a lot of "boundaries" are common sense. If your kid is less "into" common sense, discuss it. But I think it's silly to suggest that just because he's a child, he'll tend towards the ridiculous. Recently, at a meeting, it was suggested that parents take their children's cells during the convention. If *I* needed to take my kids' cells during a convention, they just wouldn't have them! You're either responsible enough to have them or you're not, imo.

Edited June 22, 2009 by 2J5M9K

[SonshineLearner]

I like my kids having phones. No sending pictures of each other. It's probably easiest if you just really stick to that, otherwise, what's appropriate?? (you might not want a teen to judge that) No bad language in texts.

Remember it's "your" phone, but whenever I get bored, I might check through it. And, I can see how many texts your doing...and judge whether everything looks right. I check on a semi-regular basis...but not often enough that they're constantly expecting it. I want them to have a reason to think, "Mom might be looking at this". If I saw no texts when I looked, I'd have a talk.....(No texting while interacting with people that are standing in front of you:-) I saw one person who said she kept all chargers in her room....at a certain time each night, phones were connected....To keep those late night calls at bay...

Carrie

[Perry]

Remember it's "your" phone, but whenever I get bored, I might check through it. And, I can see how many texts your doing...and judge whether everything looks right. I check on a semi-regular basis...but not often enough that they're constantly expecting it. I want them to have a reason to think, "Mom might be looking at this".

Carrie

 

Good point. When my kids got Facebook, texting and AIM, the first ground rule was that I have complete access and can check those at any time.

[OhM]

14yo dd is just now getting her first cell phone.

 

We're paying the $10.00/month to add her to our minutes plan (which is just too cheap to leave right now!) She's responsible for the cost of whatever texting plan she gets. She's chosen the $5.00/month for 300 messages for now, but is fretting about how to control people texting her. It could cost up to $15.00/month for unlimited, which she does not want to spend.

 

We have had lots of discussions about how friends are using their phones, and what we find inconsiderate about their use. The restrictions we have so far have been joint decisions, and come from those discussions.

 

:lurk5: I'm eager to see how this plays out for her!

[WagsWife]

My daughter has had some kind of cell phone since she was 10. Our rules have always been:

 

~The the phone is primarily for safety. The fact that you can talk/text to your friends is an added benefit...but if I can not get a hold of you, it defeats the purpose of why you have a phone...and no phone means no freedom.

 

~I have access to ALL her electronics. I have (and monitor) passwords to email and Facebook. She is not allowed to delete any messages on her cell phone. When the phone is getting full, she brings it to me and I scroll through them. When I am done, I will delete the messages.

 

~I there is to be no calls/texting after 8:30 pm during the week and 9pm on weekends.

 

Our daughter is pretty obedient, so we don't have issues with her...but she knows that when I say enough, not to push it. She is not allowed to take the phone into church, she is not allowed to text/call during family time...she is also not allowed to be rude and talk (more than a couple of mins) to one person while she is visiting another.

 

Ultimately, she knows that if she misuses the phone, it will be taken away.

[Lolly]

My first advice is to turn off third party billing. You have to go to your provider and tell them to do this. That way the phone cannot possibly be used for any activities that you can run up charges for. Some of these "businesses" are unscrupulous. Someone else can grab your dc's phone and set them up. Don't ask me how I know.

 

Second, we have had to make the rule that there is to be no texting/phone use during meals. it is just rude. other than that, we haven't really had any issues. I love my kids having phones/texting.

[MamaT]

Other than the common sense and etiquette rules that everyone else has mentioned, I would let your ds know that if it's not something he would say face-to-face to someone then do not text it.

 

We had an issue when our 12yo dd first got her phone with her texting me things that she would never say to my face - things that I would consider disrespectful. I immediately took her phone for a week and explained this to her. She hasn't done it again.

[Hoggirl]

I appreciate these insights so as to know what to expect. I have had more than one friend tell me that her child went crazy with it at first, and then the novelty wore off a bit.

 

I especially appreciate the advice about 3rd party billing, though, I must admit I am not sure what this is or how to cancel that option??? Any more specifics on that?

[Lolly]

I appreciate these insights so as to know what to expect. I have had more than one friend tell me that her child went crazy with it at first, and then the novelty wore off a bit.

 

I especially appreciate the advice about 3rd party billing, though, I must admit I am not sure what this is or how to cancel that option??? Any more specifics on that?

 

You just have to go to your provider and request that 3rd party billing be turned off as an option. Personally, I think it is silly that it is allowed in the first place.