My DH has grown a lot in 10 years! S/O of IL thread

[jujsky]

The IL thread, and something that happened last night really got me thinking. My DH and I have been married almost 10 years, and he has grown so much in that time. His parents are Eastern European, so there are some cultural differences in what they expect from their son compared to what the average American-born parents expect from their children. They make a lot of demands on DH, and it was especially difficult early in our marriage. It got to the point that his parents were interfering so much at one point that the "D" word crossed my lips. Yup, it was THAT bad! To give a couple of quick examples, MIL would call DH every day and ask what we were having for dinner, and then say, "What? Is that all she knows how to cook?" Every. Day. Also if DH and I told them about any decision we made together (to get engaged, to buy a car, buy a house, switch jobs -- whatever) we would tell them together, and then they would call DH as soon as we got home, and ask him to come down in a few days --alone -- so they could discuss OUR decision and make sure DH knew what he was doing. Basically, they thought I was pulling all the strings and forcing their son to do things I wanted him to do (soooooo not true!) and they wanted him to make the decisions they would make, so they would take him away from me and try to make him change his mind. We had a huge blow-out with them after we became parents and I called them on it, and said these private meetings about OUR family decisions were no longer going to happen -- that it was a discussion with both of us if they were concerned, or no discussion at all. His parents have tried to get him to go down a couple of times to talk about our decisions, and he has either flat-out refused, or to their shock, he has brought me with him unannounced.

 

Anyway, DD has a dance recital this weekend, and a dress rehearsal Friday. DH's 84 year-old grandmother (who lives with his parents) was upset that she wasn't able to go. She has a lot of health/back problems and wouldn't be able to sit through a long recital. I felt bad that she was disappointed, and it occured to me that she could always have my FIL or DH take her to the dress rehearsal, which is open to everyone for picture-taking since no photos are allowed during the show. That way she wouldn't have to sit through the whole thing, but she'd be able to see DD dancing in her little costume, which is all she really wants to see anyway. DH was touched that I came up with that idea, he worked it out with his dad who is off every-other-Friday, and we were good to go.

 

Last night, he talked to them, and now his grandmother doesn't want to go to the dress rehearsal -- she wants to go to the show! There are still tickets available, but they aren't going to be great. I stood outside in line 3 weeks ago at 8:00 Am for over 2 hours to get tickets for decent seats. When he told me, I was so ticked. I said, "Great! There is no way your grandmother can sit by herself. She doesn't speak any English, and if something happenend, she'd be far away from all of us. Now I'm probably going to have to give up my seat so she can see the show." He said, "No, you're not." I said, "Well you're not -- I'll least get to see her at dress rehearsal, and this will be your only chance to see her. It will have to be me. We can't have her sitting by herself, and we can't ask anyone else to give up a seat." His response? "One of my parents is going to have to give up a seat. They said that my grandmother didn't want a ticket weeks ago when you were getting them. You were nice and came up with a way for my grandmother to see DD. Now that's not good enough for them. Well, it's not my problem. They can figure it out because I'm not dealing with it, and neither one of us are giving up our seats to our own DD's show." Some of you may think it's horrible that we won't give up our seats to an elderly woman, but if you knew all the times that the grandmother and the ILs have manipulated situations, or the number of times we have bent over backwards rearranging our schedules and changing plans to convenience them, you wouldn't think we were so bad.

 

He has been standing up to them for years, but this is huge! He is an extremely polite, thoughtful, considerate person, and the fact that he won't give up his seat and won't allow me to give up mine speaks volumes about how far he has come. He used to bend over backwards trying to please them, no matter how unreasonable their requests. He's been slowly setting boundaries for years, but I never expected this :) Go, DH! He told me his capacity for BS diminishes as he gets older :lol:

[gardening momma]

Some of you may think it's horrible that we won't give up our seats to an elderly woman, but if you knew all the times that the grandmother and the ILs have manipulated situations, or the number of times we have bent over backwards rearranging our schedules and changing plans to convenience them, you wouldn't think we were so bad.

I don't think it's horrible at all. I think it's appropriate to require the IL's to figure out available seating themselves.

[Mom-ninja.]

When I first read your title I thought "grown" as in gotten bigger. I know my DH has by 50lbs! :lol:

 

 

Sounds like your DH is a great guy. I'm lucky in that I have pretty hands off IL. Sometimes too hands off, but I've gotten over it. I'd rather have them not be involved than be in my face.

[Impish]

I know that my dh has grown tremendously in our six year marriage. Its far too long to really explain, but I totally get what you're saying. WE are truly a family, he and I, and our children, and WE come first, period. Everyone else comes after. As much as the romance of the wedding and vows proclaim 'Two become one' it takes longer than a day or speaking words. It takes time and adjustment to really come together and for some it takes longer for the light to really come on and for them to really realize, "This is my family and first loyalty now."

 

And then there are folks that bitterly and viciously resent that happening, forever and ever and ever, amen. *sigh*

[Catwoman]

That's absolutely great, Julie! :hurray:

 

Cat

[katemary63]

Great! I'd be proud too! He is doing the right thing even though it is difficult. That is the definition of maturity.

[Mrs. Frankweiler]

As the spouse with the overbearing, always-have-an-opinion parents, I can appreciate how much courage it must have taken for him to stand up to them like that. Good for him! I'm getting there, and I'm learning that with each little "break" from the extended family, my family (my dh & kids) becomes a little stronger.

 

We also have the cultural difference going on....I'm Hispanic(but was born in the US), he's American. It's sometimes hard to understand where the other is coming from because our upbringings were more different than the average couple.

 

I think it helps that we have always lived away from my parents so we've had to make our own traditions and customs rather than do my parents have always done (or do what they want us to do.) I see my sister and their husbands (especially the husbands!) struggle with this this because they live so close to mom & dad.

[Tree House Academy]

I think that is wonderful. Unfortunately lots of men should be willing to do the same as your dh when it comes to their parents. I was blessed with a dh whose mom and step-dad try not to interfere and do not step behind my back like that. If that were the case, I would hope my dh were willing to stand up like yours did! :)

[ConnieB]

Your post just radiates with the love and pride you feel for your husband! Might I suggest printing it and presenting it to him this Sunday for Father's Day.

 

And ENJOY your seats at your daughter's performance. And tell her to "break a leg" as they say in the dance world for good luck!

 

I so agree with others that Grandma shouldn't be given your seats. That said, however, what are the chances that you would be able to exchange your IL's seats to a place where three seats are together.....at least that would resolve the problem of Grandma (or one of the ILs) having to sit alone. THey may not be the best of seats, but at least they'd be together.

 

I have to wonder if Grandma is the one that decided she didn't want to go to the dress rehersal, or if this decision was made for her? I don't have a back problem, but I still don't like to sit through dance recitals with hours of students I don't know just to see my child, or a friends child on stage for 5 minutes. I typically volunteer to be in the back on performance night and enjoy the performance during dress reherasal because then I only have to sit through one or two numbers before the one I want to see! I can't imagine sitting in those uncomfortable auditorium seats with a bad back! Perhaps DH could call and talk directly to Grandma to let her know her choices, and how the dress rehearsal will be just as wonderful, but much shorter than the regular performance.

[EKS]

What's the D word?

[katilac]

What's the D word?

 

Divorce.

[jujsky]

I AM really proud of him! He's such an incredible person anyway, but I totally wasn't expecting him to have such a strong reaction to this situation. He's going to talk to his parents and grandma again tonight and lay it all out on the line for them as far as what their options are. I don't think the decision was made for her, but I think she may also not quite "get" the whole dance recital protocol. She didn't go last year because she either wound up in the hospital, or was just released from the hospital, but my ILs have gone to one, FIL went to the dress rehearsal last year to take pictures, so they really should understand how it works. I think sometimes my ILs tend not to try to explain things to grandma because she is also a rather difficult woman (and I wonder where MIL gets it from? ;)) so it's easier for them to just say the Russian equivalent of, "Whatever," so they don't have to deal with getting into a fight with her.

 

But yes, big kudos to my very awesome DH :)

[Renee in NC]

Oh, Russian. You said RUSSIAN! Acckkk!:lol:

 

Just kidding. Kind of. :D

 

My oldest son's grandmother and great-grandmother are Ukranian.:tongue_smilie:

[jujsky]

Oh, Russian. You said RUSSIAN! Acckkk!:lol:

 

Just kidding. Kind of. :D

 

My oldest son's grandmother and great-grandmother are Ukranian.:tongue_smilie:

 

Then you probably have a better understanding than most ;) On top of that, they are from the "Intelligencia" class in Russia, so they have some very hoity-toity class-oriented ideas that aren't relative here in the US where class-lines are much more blurred. AND DH is an only child, so we don't even get to share the wealth with his siblings ;)

 

So to update you ladies, DH talked to his mom last night (grandma is her mother) and tried to talk sense into her. She insists they're buying a ticket for grandma, even though DH told her the show will be over 2 hours long and very loud. MIL is giving her seat to grandma. In a way, that will be sort of nice. MIL is sort of a mean, superficial person, and she has no qualms about making rude comments about the dancers. If she sees a heavy child, she will talk about how fat and disgusting she is (which is hypocritical because she's no light-weight). Last year she looked at DD's dance class picture and systematically ripped apart almost every little girl in the class when we had the family come over after the recital. She talked about how fat this one was, how homely that one was -- and these were 3 & 4 year-old little girls! Who is mean and hateful to a bunch of little girls? So at least if she makes rude comments, I won't have to hear them.

 

Sad as it is, I think part of the reason they're getting grandma a ticket is so they don't have to come to the whole show. When MIL learned last weekend that DD was going to be on after intermission just like last year, she said she'd come just for the second half. I gave her a look, and I think she clued in that I was not pleased. I just think it's sort of rude. I wouldn't like it if people in the first part left and created a half-empty audience for DD's dance (they don't because there is a finale with everyone at the end) and I don't see any difference with coming half-way through the show and missing the first half. Those kids work so hard all year, and I think if you're going to the show you're going to support ALL the kids there -- not just your own. If grandma is with her and physically can't sit through a whole show (she truthfully can't) it gives her a valid excuse to miss the first half. I don't think DH came right out and said we're not giving up our seats, but I believe he said something along the lines of, "Grandma can't sit alone. How are you going to handle that?" and MIL offered to give up her seat. Not thrilled with the ILs, but totally thrilled with DH!

 

I think I'll go to the back couple of rows and ask if there are 2 people together who have someone in the first part of the show. If so, I'll let them use those 2 seats until intermission. We have 3rd row seats, so someone should get some use out of them :001_smile: